Just What I Needed

[DnJ]

HelloTad

How many miles do you have on the Galactic Aqua Corolla now? Did you pair your phone to it? Hands free calls is pretty good. I also like being able to play music off the phone, without an aux cord.

It’s coming up on two weeks and I was thinking about you. I also figured your car would be getting low on fuel and I think you know a gas station that’s just a nice little drive away.

Just a little encouragement from a caring friend. This fear stuff is difficult. I’d ride shotgun with you if I could. What music would you have blasting on our road trip?

How are P and J? They grow pretty fast at this stage. I’m sure they snuggle up to you lots.

Take care buddy.

DnJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Andrew, Gerda and DnJ.

Andrew, that app sounds interesting. I'll look into it. They already know to give me a ring if they haven't heard from me or haven't seen me post something on Facebook in a day or two. I will check out that app though.

Gerda, I've heard of that book. Never thought about Youtube. And yes, there was a time when I wouldn't get out of bed or leave my room. So, in that regard, I'm doing alright. Today is my birthday. Nine years ago today, I was 2 weeks post bomb drop and I spent my birthday on the phone for hours talking to a crisis counselor. So, I'm doing good...just have a few issues still. Not sure I'll ever be the same.

DnJ, To answer your questions, I have just over 1200 miles on the new car. Mostly city driving to and from work. I did pair my phone to it, but don't really use all of the features too much. I spent over two decades on the radio as a dj so I don't listen to a lot of music, but when I do, I prefer the 80's hair metal stuff. Sorry to disappoint, but I have not taken the trip. I tried a few days ago and got about 10 miles outside city limits when I came upon a coyote and two pups that had been very recently hit by a car. It bothered me a lot and I turned around and went home. (I'm hyper sensitive to stuff like that these days. Never used to be.) I couldn't "unsee" it. We have a lot of coyotes here and they are always getting slaughtered on the freeways.

I did go to the mall, but the first thing I thought of once I got inside was "what if I can't find the car when I leave?" Yeah, I'm stupid like that. Ug!

As for my two little princesses, Piper and Jazz are wonderful. Yes, they do cuddle me a lot and follow me everywhere. They greet me at the door when I get home from work and are also becoming quite vocal. So glad that I adopted them. They have both doubled their weight and are thriving. It's amazing what a little TLC and a permanent home will do. Can't imagine my life without them. There are sometimes at work when I think, "I just want to get home to my babies."

That's all for now.

Tad

[AndrewP]

Happy Birthday Tad!

[bttrfly]

sorry I'm late hope your bday was greeeeat!!!! xoxoxo

[tadpole1025]

Thanks AndrewP and bttrfly.

Nothing going on really. Spending Thanksgiving alone like I always do these days. (Boys always go to XW's because she has to overdo everything and throws a fit if they don't.)

Anyways, just feeling a little down and wanted to say hello and hope everyone has a great day.

Tad

[DnJ]

Hello Tad

Happy belated Birthday!

Sorry I missed the date, and it’s so close to mine.

Hey, two guys turned 52 over here. We are well aged, like fine wine. Or scotch. Now, now. Form a line. There’s lots to go around. Lol.

I’m really glad you dropped in. Have a great day buddy.

DnJ

[neffer]

Have a great day Tad!

Enjoy your little cats!

[Gerda]

Tad, I think I post this here already and just posted it to Pax, but I really want to encourage you to work actively on healing yourself. You are right that you will never be the same but you can become something even better if you work on healing. From me reading your posts out here in DB land, it seems pretty clear that your W ripped open a wound that was already there, just as my H did mine. Just as what your W did really has almost nothing to do with you and is all about her, it seems to me, reading your posts, that how much you are hurting and destroyed by all of this is more about something in you that was already there. Her betrayal was really real, of course, I just mean that the way it has destroyed your ability to live as full a life as you want to now is not about her but about a wound you already had. You can heal this!

Just posted this for Pax, and I will repost it here. I know you are not religious, and these two books really offer a path to healing that is totally secular --

I really recommend two books to you, they are helping me a lot. There are some cheesy or corny parts but it is helping me so much to become aware of my wounds, pre and post H, and to start to heal them. One is called, You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse and the other is called, Whole Again.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you DnJ, neffer and Gerda.

I appreciate the responses.

Gerda, I wouldn't say that I am "not religous." I do believe. I believe in a higher power and try to live a decent life. I haven't picked up my Bible in a while, but I pray almost daily. I just don't go to church.

Thank you for the book recommendations. If I can get time, I will check them out. Actually, I have a hard time reading a book or being on my computer these days. My kitties have to be the center of attention. Not complaining.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what you said about a wound that I already had. I'm no therapist, but I imagine you may be right. I believe that I may have some abandonment issues. Before XW dropped the bomb, I had two big, hurtful events in my life.

When I was 4, my mom left my dad for another man and vanished for 6 weeks. My dad was distraught and I was dumped on my grandmother. When I say "vanished", I really mean vanished. Police were involved. It was believed that she was kidnapped. She was a "missing person." She eventually married the other man and had a kid with him. (He became "the chosen one" and I was pushed aside.) I was pushed back and forth between my mom and grandmother. On her deathbed, my mom actually apologized to me for pushing me aside and pretty much ignoring me. Because of the way things were, I bonded with my grandmother and not my mom. I bonded with her the way a kid should have bonded with his mom.

When I was 5, my mom and stepdad took me away from her and moved me to California for 2 years and then to Germany for 3 years. Then, we came back to Phoenix for a few weeks and were off to California for 2 years. We moved a lot because he was in the military. (Basically, I felt that I was taken from my "mom.") I felt alone a lot of time growing up. I didn't have the best stepdad either. I was always told I couldn't do anything and was "uncoordinated" because I was left-handed. He messed with my confidence.

I've never been a fan of people blaming things on their childhood, but I'll admit, I did not have a good one. If you are speaking of previous wounds, I imagine that it has a lot to do with the things that I mentioned above.

Other stuff: I found out recently that XW has remained friends with some of my old radio friends that she met through me. They were mostly my friends when we were married. She only knew them because of me. What's the point?

I'm at work. Going for now.

Tad

[Gerda]

Tad, now that you write that, I remember that we talked about this a little bit before, and then, as now, I was like, "HOLY MOLY!" Your saying, "Hm, I guess if I think about it, I did suffer a bit as a child" is the understatement of the century. You were hurt and hurt and hurt again, abandoned and abandoned and abandoned again. And then made to feel like you were unworthy, and you probably used that to interpret that all the abandonment was your fault.

How do I know? Because I did the same thing.

And when I was reading your post here, I got the chills. Tad, we both were children of MLC mothers. We both were devastated by MLC. And then we both fell in love with people who were carrying the MLC seed in them.

Lately, reading about NPD, I have been very struck by all the signs I had that something was brewing, and I ignored them all.

I was speaking with a prayer partner of mine, an older lady in another state who I only know on the phone, and told her that I was feeling badly about all that I ignored, like it was my fault in a way for being attracted to someone who turned out to be exactly what I was trying to avoid. And she very strictly told me not to do that, but to forgive myself for being attracted to what was so familiar to me.

I mean, H changed drastically, dramatically. But I can see now that there were signs of something simmering, and that I worked really hard to keep them at bay exactly as I did with my mother for my entire childhood and teen years.

It's actually eerie.

And I had the same feeling reading your post.

But the difference is, I am deep in the thick of working on these wounds, and you are still wondering if you have any wounds worthy of examination. Tad, you are worthy of that and of much more love and care! The kind of love you shower on your kitties, you can shower that on yourself and let your Higher Power shower that on you too. You can be free of these terrible feelings of unworthiness and paralysis. You really can.

All this time I kept asking God, why did you give me a man who would open all my own wounds.

Now I think that, though God doesn't want this kind of evil for us of course, he will use it to heal us if we allow him to expose what is really wrong.

If you haven't opened your bible in a long time, maybe you should. I bet God has some things to show you about your wound, about forgiveness and a huge force of love that is waiting for you to help bring you up from the ashes to become your best self, the one whose growth got squashed by all that childhood trauma. And get that book I mentioned, it is really going to help you see clearly! Make time for that! Make time for YOU!

(((Tad)))))