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#2865405 09/16/19 12:05 AM
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Hey everyone.

Just a quick little update.

My previous thread is titled "OM Backed Out".


Previous Thread:

OM Backed Out


I've had the new kittens for almost two weeks now.

I love them.

They definitely have personality. Now that they are pretty much settled in and we are getting comfortable with each other, I've noticed that they are starting to get excited when I come home from work...happy to see me. I've also noticed that when I'm at work, I'm anxious to get home to spend time with them. It may sound terrible, but I feel like I have a purpose again. They are wonderful and just what I needed. I still miss "PJ", but they have done my heart a lot of good. I'm spoiling them rotten too. And why not? They deserve it and I enjoy spoiling them. Ever since the XW jumped on the crazy train, I've become a very light sleeper and wake up several times through the night...usually every hour or two. EVERY time that I wake up the past several nights, both kittens are cuddled up to me. They have the run of the entire apartment, four beds and two couches, but yet they choose to cuddle with me. I love it. They are so loving and sweet. Like others that post here, I believe that "PJ" opened the door for these two. I believe that maybe this was his purpose. smile

In other news:

A coworker of mine has THREE different girlfriends that are single. She wants to introduce me to them. I really think I'm going to pass. I just have no interest right now.

Tad







Last edited by job; 09/16/19 07:46 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread

Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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That is a wonderful update.

I am very glad you feel purpose and your heart warming. Those two bundles of energy and fur sound like they have really taken to you. And why not? It’s not all due to your spoiling of them (lol), it’s because you have a kind and good heart.

I agree with you about meeting the three girls. You’ll know when you are ready. There is no rush.

DnJ


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awesome!

focus on the fur babies is best.
xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Thanks DnJ and bttrfly.

Just a quick update since it has been awhile.

The kittens are growing. I've had them a little over a month and they seem to get more comfortable every day. They own the place. I just live here. It's funny coming home from work in the evenings. When I open the door, they actually sprint to greet me. They are wonderful. Have you ever walked into a daycare center and seen all of the toys on the floor for the little kids? My apartment looks just like that these days, but it is covered with cat toys. Again, they own the place...spoiled rotten.

A few times today, I noticed the date...October 10th. I knew it had some sort of significance, but couldn't quite put my finger on it. Almost everything bad that has happened in my life has happened in August, September or October so I knew it was something unpleasant. Finally, it hit me: 10/10/10 was the day that XW dropped the bomb...casually dropped the bomb while we were in the front yard watering the rose bushes like we did every Sunday. It bothers me a little, but not like it used to. I still believe that she'll never know just how much I loved her.

Something I'm struggling with:

Apparently, I'm afraid to leave town. I've been wanting to take a road trip out of town to take some good pictures. I never did though because I didn't really trust my car. (That was my excuse.) Well, I bought a new car a few weeks ago and finally took a vacation. I had 10 days off of work to do whatever I wanted. A few days ago, I finally forced myself to drive about an hour north and came straight back home. I only did it because I knew people will be asking if I took "that road trip" when I return to work tomorrow. I actually drove all the way up to my destination, got gas, and drove right back home. Not sure why I'm like this. I'm afraid to do anything that takes me too far from home. Since the divorce, I haven't really gone anywhere partly because I wasn't able to or just didn't want to. Now that I'm more able to do it, I still don't want to. I always had an excuse before: wanted to be here for PJ, no money, unreliable car, not able to take time off...

Now I can, but don't.

I'm afraid of getting stranded. I'm afraid of having a health issue. I'm just afraid and I hate it.

No idea why.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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Hello Tad

The kittens sound great. And the apartment sounds like the cats rule it. An arrangement I’m sure those two feline friends are most pleased with. smile

Nice to see how long it took for 10/10/10 to register. Well done. Look at you, I turn my back for a bit and you go and get all healing on me. smile

What kind of car did you buy? When you say new, do you mean brand new? Colour? What cool fancy features does it have?

Tad, I am proud of you for admitting those excuses that you used for not going before. And stating the realization that you can go, but don’t.

Originally Posted by tadpole1025
Now I can, but don't.

You did go, got gas, and returned. So, you did - don’t say don’t anymore.

Originally Posted by tadpole1025
Now I can, but don't.

This moves things into the realm of will or won’t.

Originally Posted by tadpole1025
I'm afraid of getting stranded. I'm afraid of having a health issue. I'm just afraid and I hate it.

No idea why.

I’m sorry man. I empathize and totally get the hating of feeling afraid.

You also mentioned being afraid to go too far from home.

Remember fear is just the irrational response to a possible future event. Stranded, health issue - for example.

Tad, I would like you to do something. Go and fill up your new car at that gas station one hour north from you, again. Before you return, find a nice back ground for a picture, maybe a large tree or cool building. Park in front of it and take a picture of your new car in all its shiny splendour. Then leisurely come home.

Post about it. Tell me how your car looks against the back drop. If leaves were falling and crunched as you drove over them. If the angle of the sun did justice to the sheen of the paint. Did the sky and clouds reflect in the glass. What the temperature was.

This is a pretty results specific task and will require your intellectual attention. That rational part. You have a destination, and a purpose. Rational - right?

And I do want to hear about your car.

DnJ


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Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Hi Tad. Good on you for taking yourself out of your comfort zone.

I believe that I am familiar with the feelings you are having. For me, I call it "operating without a net". Having had a partner that we felt had our back betray and then vanish is quite the kick in the self confidence.

Yes, you may know that I recently took myself to Spain. But leading up to that trip I was terrified and rationalized all sorts of reasons to not go. But I did get myself on the plane and faced, sometimes reluctantly the various challenges. Part of what kept me going, like you, was that I had people who were expecting me to do it and I felt accountable to them and more importantly myself to follow through.

You will get that confidence back. Lean even if just in your mind on what support you may have. There is no straight path to healing and finding yourself again. You'll get there one small step at a time.


On BD
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T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Tad - this sounds like the start of agoraphobia. I recommend seeing a therapist who practices Cognitive behavioral therapy.

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Thanks DnJ, Andrew and KML.

DnJ, the activity that you mentioned sounds like a good one, but again, I'm afraid. Really. I will try it though, but it may take a few weeks to get the nerve to go.

My car? It's a brand new (2019) Toyota Corolla. It had a whopping 6 miles on it. It's the same type of car that I had when I got divorced, but eventually lost due to financial reasons. The only differences are it is newer, prettier and this one is a hatchback. It has all of the fancy features including navigation and the ability to hook the phone up to it. I can change the radio station just by telling it to. It's a cool color too. It's called "Galactic Aqua", but basically it's black from far away, dark metallic blue up close and dark metallic green from another angle. It's very pretty...it reminds me of a bowling ball that I used to have.

Andrew, you're right about the kick in self confidence. And I do rationalize and come up with excuses not to go. I've always had a fear of flying, but the act of going ANYWHERE has just been since the divorce. It sux. I grew up in Monterey, California. (Off and on) I loved it there. I was so close to the Pacific Ocean that I could see it from my bedroom window. It's actually where I met XW. I love it there and have wanted to go back for a visit for years. But...I won't. I tell myself that I won't because I have so many memories there. Mostly of XW. I think though that that is also just an excuse.

KML, thanks for the heads up. I did some reading on Agoraphobia. I think you may be right. I don't have the anxiety attacks though. Just mostly a fear of having another heart attack and getting stuck in a hospital somewhere or having car problems and getting stranded. Mostly a fear of not being able to get home. Don't have a fear of LEAVING home, but a fear of not being able to GET BACK home. Thank you. I'll dig a little deeper. Didn't even know there was such a thing as Agoraphobia.

That's all for now. Thanks for the responses.

Tad

Last edited by tadpole1025; 10/12/19 12:13 AM.

Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
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Tad - as a middle-aged "fat guy" - at least in my mind now but in fact prior to bomb-day, I also had a lot of worries about my health. Still do to an extent.

Part of it was the "what if something happens". Heart attacks happen and being alone means nobody to count on. Although as an aside, my now ex once left me on a bathroom floor to die after I fell one day. It was only after she heard me moving that she came in and yelled at me for making a mess. Ah - good times crazy

I do know that you have several kids but am not sure how close you are to them. My two were fairly far away and one still is. I "wanted" them to check in on me regularly but they've got lives and junk like that. So what I did is I signed up for a free app called Life360 so that they could at a glance know if Dad had gotten to work, gotten home etc. Living alone in a big house with 2 cats and feeling like I had no immediate support structure was tough on me. A bit to my surprise they started sharing their locations as well even though S25 stopped a while ago saying that the app drained the battery on his old phone. D27 still does share her location. Her husband did too until he deployed. They liked it as a couple as she would know when he was leaving work for example and be ready for him to come home. And since he worked shift, when they had a dog and she was walking her, they could both be confident that the other would be able to notice if something went wrong.

It's nice and helps me feel connected. D27 is on her own too in San Diego and it may help her to know that Dad is keeping a bit of an eye on her. I certainly feel good knowing that she is aware of me and my movements. A loss of privacy perhaps to some, but a connection to family in others.

Would something like that help you increase your confidence perhaps?


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Tad, I would like to recommend a really wonderful book to you.

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne.

I found this book over the summer; where I go on this little island people just leave stuff outside their houses and other people take it since it's so hard to get stuff on and off island. So I randomly found this book and I felt like God provided it to me because it is the most perfect book for me and my son! It is full of really interesting information about anxiety and phobias and tons of amazing exercises that approach the issue from physical, emotional and psychological perspectives. It taught me that anxiety and phobias are something you can work on. You don't have to be that way all your life, it's a condition you can really mitigate and fully fix. It's really the best book! Maybe the Universe/God put it in my path not just for me and my son but so you would hear about it too. I think it will really help you.

You can also watch youtube videos about phobia work, there are some great ones out there. I did a quick search and this one looked good if you put it in the search -- Phobia Relief: From Fear to Freedom | Kalliope Barlis | TEDxWilmingtonWomen.

And of course if you are willing, you can go to a counselor about that. What you have is fixable!

Also forgive yourself. You have been through h#ll.

And don't forget to focus on what you ARE able to do. You made yourself feel like crap for only driving out of town -- but hey, you drove out of town! You could have been unable to get out of bed but you forced yourself to do that! You lost your car and now you bought a car and it's gorgeous! You go to work everyday and you made the money to buy that beautiful car! I haven't had a man in my life who went to work everyday let alone made enough to buy a beautiful car in almost ten years! You felt lonely and now you saved two kittens and are giving them a wonderful life! Try to make a list everyday of all the good things you are able to do. Instead of telling yourself, "I can't ever go to Monterey because of the pain," try, "The thought of Monterey is painful to me now but it's possible to make new memories there." Let yourself get there slowly, it will happen one day when the time is right.

(((Tad)))))

Last edited by Gerda; 10/13/19 02:58 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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