I’ve got a couple challenges going on now. So I thought it appropriate to change thread names
Thanks for all the support guys. I just asked if she wanted a backrub last night just to be nice because if her bad day. She said no she wanted to go to sleep but was thankful I asked. Turns out she wasn’t playing around about how bad her boss is. Her boss just recanted letting W have half the day off after concert. W said it’s so miserable up there now she is thinking of quitting. This is why her attitude lately
On the cancer front. I gave green light on treatment plan.
Temozolomide chemo every day for a year. Blood draws every two weeks. Doctor said he is very optimistic this will work.
Since it’s inoperable he says it’s 70% chance of being more cancer. 30% chance of it being radiation damage from previous treatment in ‘15
Oz, you really need to pay attention to what’s going on with you now.
You are going through cancer treatment and need lots of self care. And your wife is getting all the back rubs?
And when you said “wow, her day was really bad, I figured something awful was going on.
She can’t have her half day off after a concert?
Not for nothing, I expect a teenager to get upset at that. Especially with what’s going on, not really a big deal. Put your big girl panties on and wake up in the morning and go to work and call your boss an agile behind their back.
I do not like to invalidate anyone’s struggles. What might not seem like a big deal to me, might be a big deal to someone else. But I’m sensing a lot of immaturity on her part and lack of compassion for you.
Do not initiate any more backrubs. Be present, but you need to care for you.
There’s a lot more going on in her job than that. People cussing each other out. Backstabbing. Drama. It sounds miserable to me. But the lack of compassion part you are right.
There’s a lot more going on in her job than that. People cussing each other out. Backstabbing. Drama. It sounds miserable to me. But the lack of compassion part you are right.
Except for the cussing out, this is background noise. There's competition for the best roles/pay. If your wife repeatedly shows up late and has been formally reprimanded for it, that's a sign she's not working so hard for the next rung at her job's ladder, that a "backstab" should even be on the same page as cancer.
I earn a top 5% income. I've never spent much time thinking about office gossip. I know some delight in discussing who outmaneuvered who and who's getting the next promotion.
W and I have returned to the way we were before my MRI. Like best friends. She still msgs on her phone quite a bit. I know a lot of times it’s family and friends. But I’m not sure about all the time. I have a hunch it’s not. And someone on here told me that LBSs hunchs are usually right. The thing is. There is nothing I can do about it is there? Anyways. Besides that everything else in her behavior says not A. It’s just the msging thing. And it really could be nothing. I know a lot of people who FB msg her. Also I feel like I don’t have time for this right now anyways. I need to be 100% focused on me and my health. But at the same time not letting any of that show to her
Had a great weekend. Chiefs won! Sat evening I loaded up the dogs and the boy and went to the park. Threw the frisbee and the football. Had a blast!
So cancer aside. I need some advice. I did what you all said. I stopped talking to her about my cancer as soon as I did things got way better again. I’ve covered many things with the doctor. Made several decisions. All without speaking a word about it to her
Then yesterday she asks about it. I tell her “I’ve spoken with doctor several times and I got my blood drawn today and I should start chemo by the end of the week. She explodes. But not in anger
Her. WHAT?!? You didn’t tell me any of this?!? Why wouldn’t you say anything?
Me well the last time I brought it up you said it was my decision and you seemed very stressed out so I decided to keep it to myself
Her. it does stress me out , living here stresses out, our S stresses me out, my job stresses me out. But you should still tell me. I AM YOUR WIFE! WE ARE MARRIED! WE HAVE A KID TOGETHER!! (Tears are starting in her eyes). You have to tell me these things.
me. I am sorry. It just seemed you had enough on your plate ATM and you told me it was my decision
We then walked outside and I filled her in on everything. She has been “clingier” lately. I was shocked.
Cadet nailed it. You handled it great. Now keep doing what you were doing. Only share info with her if it directly affects her, like you need a ride to the doctor or something.
But she asked me to share info with her from now on and I agreed. Soooo?
Oz, it's amazing how many pins you're juggling. Congratulations on making progress with your wife!
Just an idea--could you thread the needle? I.e., instead of saying nothing (the distancing which got her to pursue) or going into full info dump mode (what got her to back away), could you keep your promise by giving her a 1-2 line unemotional summary on the days things happen, as you might update an acquaintance? That would empower her to ask for more info only on the days she wants and can handle it.
Hopefully others will chime in with a variety of options to choose from. Stay strong!
Hey everybody. Sorry for the long absence! It’s been a while.
I’ll spare everybody the details of my cancer goings on and just say that everything is going as could as it could be. I’ve got meds adjusted, financial and insurance kinks worked out and am fighting this thing tooth and nail. (Think Rambo, mean mug, M-16 in each hand, cigar hangin out of mouth). Yea. That’s how I’m fighting it
As for my M. Hmmm. I don’t know really. I have no idea where it stands. Suppose it’s kinda the same just in limbo. What I do know is that it isn’t even close to the forefront of my mind. I enjoy being by myself. I don’t think about my M all that much. Whatever will be will be. I’m very content. I’m just happy. I really don’t know how else to say it. I guess I hope she comes around. I would love to spend the rest of my life with her. But if she doesn’t want that. Then see ya!
I kinda backslid into some old habits a week or two after being rediagnosed with cancer. Then I busted out of that rut and saw things in a whole new light. What an I doing? Why am I groveling over another human?!? I am their equal!! Not inferior to her. WTF am I doing lol. Only this time those feelings stuck
I can honestly say that if she were to say we are done when I get off work tonight. Here’s how it would go
W we are done I’m moving out H ok. I would like you to stay and us work on our M but you gotta do what’s best for you W well I’m leaving H ok I’ll help you pack
I don’t even think I would be sad. Let me revise that. I KNOW I wound not be sad. Is that bad?
I don’t know. I’m just happy. And damn it’s a nice day outside. I’m enjoying every second of it
W we are done I’m moving out H ok. I would like you to stay and us work on our M but you gotta do what’s best for you W well I’m leaving H ok I’ll help you pack
Oz
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Hey Oz, glad to hear you are doing well! I hope you rip cancer a new a-hole Keep it up, a positive outlook is your best weapon and it sounds like you've got that down!
Hey guys hope you are well. I have a question if you don’t mind
My mom was in town for the weekend. It’s my sons birthday today. My mom and my W stayed up late last night visiting. My mom (who knows about everything going on) told me this morning about their conversation
Her goes
Mom: so how are you guys adjusting to the move? W: well H and I are still trying to adjust and it’s hard, but S loves it here W: and I’m not proud of it but H and I are not doing very well either Mom: oh? W: yea we have only ML once in the last 6 months and we were barely saying ILY to each other and now we don’t say it at all, it started when we lived at the farm, but it’s got a lot worse since we moved to Wichita Mom: oh wow I’m sorry
Mom said it seemed like W wants things to get better. But if she wants them to be better she has the power right?
I kinda feel like droppin an ILY just to see what happens ya know?
Thoughts?
I’ve come so far. I’m not gonna lie. It gives me a bit of hope.
I'm skeptical about the conversation. It may be her way of setting up the bomb drop.
Having said that IMO it is ok to test the waters with an I love you or a sexual advance if the feeling is right. Just don't overreact if it's not reciprocated. Then just go back to DBing.
Thanks LH. that’s kinda what I figured too. I’ve gotten all adjusted and ready for her to leave. Lol. There will be no overreacting, trust me, I actually figure on it blowing up in my face lol. I think it’s possible that W was just letting mom know what’s going on so that way when she leaves she has cleared the air. Make sense?
I also think that the opposite is possible. That she has redeveloped feelings for me. But wants to see if I still have them For her. I don’t think she ever thought that I could go this long without getting upset over lack of sex (I have killed it in that dept) she is very bull headed that way. And we are actually playing this sad game of waiting for the other to say ILY. Sounds like a bad country song
I have just come so far in detachment and letting her go and there is almost a certain excitement to being single again (I feel rotten for saying it out loud). I don’t want to get drawn back in to be hurt all over again. Make sense?
I’m very happy with how far I’ve come. But I don’t want to go too far. Make sense?
I know I’ve come a ways because I feel like helping others on here. Instead of it being just about me
PS. We had a blast for S bday party yesterday. I can’t believe how fast he’s growing up
You communicate to her in a loving way that you want to work on the relationship with her but if she doesn’t want to work on it that you have no interest in living like roommates. If she tells you she has no interest in working on it then you walk and never look back. (Separation/Divorce).
Having said that you DO NOT have that conversation unless you’re willing to follow through.
I would want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her. But I am done with the way things are. I still don’t think she has cheated. But im not sure. I’m not very worried about it.
Threre are a few points I would like to cover with you guys first
1 have I given it enough time 2 I have backslid some in my 180s (I think mostly to my mind being constantly on cancer. No pun intended) so should I get those back on track first? 3 we are best friends. Do I preserve that or no? 4 is it normal to feel sad about this at this stage. 5 is it normal to feel excited about being single? 6 I’m worried I haven’t done everything I could. I just know I’m tired of the way things are. If she wants to be part of my life that’s great. But if not, I’m done, I don’t really care anymore. Walk away
Ps
7. Is it normal to have a small hope that walking away will cause her to think about things. But to also know that’s silly?
Keep in mind I'm new at this and have no idea what I'm doing. I am NOT a veteran.
My WAH left 7 months ago and I've been dark for the past 3. In the beginning he gave me an inkling of hope that he might want reconcile later (said he needed time) but took it back. He was going to file for D asap but hesitated. I might have hope for years down the road but I am not in limbo.
My WAH may never come back and I get that but for us to have a shot at reconciling he needed to leave. He believes he will be happier without me and that I am the source of all of his problems. Maybe that is true I don't know but what I do know is he needs to live in reality (for at least a year) to find out for himself. In the meantime I will move on.
Reading your above post it makes me believe you are unsure and looking for a reaction from her. WWs are great at limbo so you better buckle down if you’re in for the long haul. I was in limbo for about 1.5 years. Read RR17 he’s on almost 2.5 years. Doesn’t hurt to keep up your 180s but also start to plan your future for you and your son moving forward.
1 have I given it enough time - either she wants to work on it or not 2 I have backslid some in my 180s (I think mostly to my mind being constantly on cancer. No pun intended) so should I get those back on track first? can't hurt 3 we are best friends. Do I preserve that or no? not a fan unless you're together 4 is it normal to feel sad about this at this stage. yes 5 is it normal to feel excited about being single? depends 6 I’m worried I haven’t done everything I could. I wouldn't do anything until you are sure Ps
7. Is it normal to have a small hope that walking away will cause her to think about things. But to also know that’s silly? I think most LBS's here have hope based on all kinds of "silly" things. Its normal.
Thanks guys. I’m sure about being sure. Does that make sense? I don’t think I’m interested in staying in the friend zone for 2 years. Since we don’t like our rental we were gonna start looking for a new place in January. So the are we living together or not thing has to happen by then.
When I look at her. Most of the attraction is gone. I just see the person who stopped loving me. And that’s it. I have no doubt the attraction when come back with a quickness if she put forth even the smallest effort. But otherwise. I’m tired. I’m just really tired. I enjoy being by myself more than with her. I enjoy being with my son. AS once asked me what I would do if I looked out the window and she was banging some guy. With abc being some sort of confrontation and d being “eh”. It would definitely be “eh” now. No questions asked. Is this the goal of DBing. Steve 85 always said everybody comes here looking to save their marriage. They end of saving themselves. I’m more comfortable than I have ever been by myself. Several months ago. She was out with a friend until 1 am. I couldn’t sleep. Fretting if she was cheating (she wasn’t). She did this again last weekend. I was out like a light at midnight. Went out with some friends. I think I really could care less what time she gets home
You guys told me to take a break from the forums. I did that. For a good while. I feel much better on my return
I think I just need some direction. Because I think much longer of this. I will never want her back at all
You have been here for only 4 months and when you came here you were one of the most desperate posters I have ever seen on these forums. It is very rare that members on these forums are ready to give up after 4 months. Especially with no known OM.
If your lease is up in January why don’t you wait until then?
I lived in limbo until my lease was up. Granted WAH cancelled the lease but it ended limbo after 5 months. He had to give 60 days notice and I knew when he did that we were over. Moving stunk but its better than limbo. Still not going to file though. Not yet anyway.
If you even have to ask this question then no. What I always tell LBS's considering S or D is this- if you can tell yourself every day for at least a couple of months that you're done and ready to move on, and there is no anxiety or fear or worry or regret in that thought, then you're ready.
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2 I have backslid some in my 180s (I think mostly to my mind being constantly on cancer. No pun intended) so should I get those back on track first?
180s should be for life, so yes do try to stick with them.
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3 we are best friends. Do I preserve that or no?
Up to you. Some people can do it and some can't. Some LBS's just feel like their heart is getting ripped out all over again whenever they're around their ex. My XW and I aren't "best" friends but we have remained on friendly terms and can hang out or take the kids to dinner or have a birthday party for them without it being weird or awkward. It works for us but I've seen sitches here where it didn't work.
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4 is it normal to feel sad about this at this stage.
Sadness means you're not ready, you need more time. There's no rush is there? Time is your friend, use it.
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5 is it normal to feel excited about being single?
I can't really say, my XW left really soon after BD and I certainly was not excited about it. It was quite a while before we got divorced and I wasn't excited about that either, more like relieved it was over. But then I had already been dating a while by then so it was more of a formality than anything. But let me tell you, dating is exhausting work. It's like having another job. It's not anything to be excited about, LOL!
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6 I’m worried I haven’t done everything I could. I just know I’m tired of the way things are. If she wants to be part of my life that’s great. But if not, I’m done, I don’t really care anymore. Walk away
Again I think it sounds like you need more time to process this. By the time I got divorced I was 100% satisfied that it was the best path for both of us, that there was no path to reconciling and that she had changed so substantially that she was no longer the person I fell in love with and was married to for so long. Whatever happened transformed her into a different person. Not better, not worse, just not the person that was in love with me and that I was in love with. Once that realization hits you, that the spouse you knew really is gone (if that is the case with you) then your path becomes more clear.
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7. Is it normal to have a small hope that walking away will cause her to think about things. But to also know that’s silly?
I think it is VERY common for LBS's who were BD'd less than a year ago to say they are ready for D, when in fact they are REALLY hoping it'll be a wakeup call that will "snap her out of it". It's a horrible idea! Because right now, D is likely what she wants. So if you suggest it to her, you will find a very willing participant. And that will be a huge gut-punch to you. Then what do you do, because you don't want D, but she does, and you told her you were going to pursue it. It's a lose-lose situation for you.
0 I am done with the way things are. Good. Lead through the needed changes 1 have I given it enough time - I don't believe so. Give it more time. 2 I have backslid some in my 180s (I think mostly to my mind being constantly on cancer. No pun intended) so should I get those back on track first? - Absolutely. 3 we are best friends. Do I preserve that or no? - Not if she chooses to leave. 4 is it normal to feel sad about this at this stage. - [b][color:#CC33CC]Yes. Privately grieve the death of the old relationship. 5 is it normal to feel excited about being single? - Yes. Be happy. Be happy with just you. Be happy no matter how anyone else is. 6 I’m worried I haven’t done everything I could. - Lots of things you still need to do. It is like an onion with many layers. Keep pulling off layers.
7. Is it normal to have a small hope that walking away will cause her to think about things. But to also know that’s silly?-Yes. normal.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
AS. I can promise you that I’m not trying to get a response out of her. If she wants to D than fine. I really am OK with it. Your “having sex with OM” question you posed to me a couple months ago? If I saw that it would phase me zero. I mean that. I would literally be like “holy smokes! They are doing that THERE?!!? And then I would kick her out of the bedroom and sleep like a baby. Zero emotional response from me
She has offered little to no support in the way of my fresh diagnosis.
She really has the ultimate cake eating experience. She gets to come home, vent about her day, enjoy my income. Enjoy the plutonic aspects of my company without offering any intamacy. It’s very one sided
I stand by this statement unequivocally. If she BD’d me tonight I wouldn’t even blink. When I said I was a little sad I meant in the way you get sad when summer is ending or something like that. Like (wow it’s all coming to an end).
Take this as you will. I stumbled on some fair evidence of a PA. Just by accident. I don’t know if I even care.
I have no idea how much time I have. Sounds like a few years talking to doc. I’m not sure if I want to spend it all in limbo.
Besides. Steve once told me the only way to get out of friend zone is to tell her To kick rocks. If she wants to make it work great. If not great.
Is this what total rope drop feels like. Cause I feel liberated. And nervous. And great and a little scared
But she has changed a lot. She is overwhelmed with stress and depression. But she doesn’t try to fux it. She still seems to think I’m the cause of it all. (Who knows. Maybe I am).
Either way. I’m tired. I love her. But the rope is dropped. Cage door open. And I’m ready to walk out the door and never come back
She has offered little to no support in the way of my fresh diagnosis.
Hi Oz, so is she your best friend, or offering zero support? Those are opposites. When your evaluation is inconsistent or fluctuating, that's an indicator you may need more time.
The lease isn't up until January. Wait for her to bring it up? A few months isn't much in a 10-year relationship.
Originally Posted by ozman
She really has the ultimate cake eating experience. She gets to come home, vent about her day, enjoy my income. Enjoy the plutonic aspects of my company without offering any intamacy. It’s very one sided
Some aspects of this are firmly under your control. My partner--we spend 50% time together--came over agitated. After listening for a bit, I asked her if she wanted to go out and do something fun with my son and I or she needed to stay and focus on what was bothering her. She stayed. My son and I had fun. Later she and I had a fun conversation. I mean to say, if (a) You don't enjoy hearing her vent, (b) You have no explicit agreement to get something in return, and (c) You don't implicitly trust her to give you something in return--stop doing it. Drop that rope and enjoy life instead.
Originally Posted by ozman
I stumbled on some fair evidence of a PA. Just by accident. I don’t know if I even care.
I would, but since it's not a deal-breaker for you, I'll let this one be.
Originally Posted by ozman
And then I would kick her out of the bedroom and sleep like a baby. Zero emotional response from me
That is an emotional response--relief that the exhausting limbo of wondering what she will decide is over.
Originally Posted by ozman
I’m not sure if I want to spend it all in limbo.
Besides dating--what would you differently if you were out of limbo? Could you begin doing some of it now? We spend so much time waiting for our moment. Now is the time! Go live your dream now.
When I said I don’t care. It’s more of like I feel done. I’m not mad. I’m not sad (except for how I explained earlier). I enjoy being around my boy. But I don’t really enjoy being around her any more. She doesn’t like who I am. I’m energetic and goofy and adventurous and spontaneous and a little to loud. But that’s me. She doesn’t like that. And that’s ok. If she is sleeping with someone else fine by me. She wants to be done. If I ask her if she is in an A she will deny it. I don’t have means to prove it. I prolly never will. Why would I continue to live like this?
I really am just tired. Like genuinely tired. Maybe I overestimate our friendship. She told me. “I didn’t sight up for this”. Talking about my cancer on night of BD. It’s all sinking in. She really genuinely can’t handle it. She is broken and refuses to be fixed
I’m ready to walk away. Like I said. No emotion why am I standing here for someone who doesn’t want to be with me. Maybe there is someone out there who does. Maybe there isn’t. All I know is this isn’t right she nixed our M when she broke the vows of it. Why am I standing here trying to un-void the contract. Does that make sense.
A stain on a new pair of panties. In the crotch. On the outside of the panties. Kinda narrows it down. But like I said. I’m not sure I even care. Not like I’m ok with it. More like I’m just done.
This morning. And she was out very late on Saturday night. But her alibi seems sound. But this is what I don’t want to do. It’s exhausting and I don’t have any desire to continue digging. I Just saw them there on a fresh pile of clean clothes. While getting ready for work. And I thought hmm and picked them up to look
In six years and well over 15,000 posts here, I have noticed....I've only seen one of two methods ever work with a wayward and/or cheating spouse: either Allen A's consistent, boundary-laying, affair-exposing, throw-everything-you-got-at-'em approach . . . or, Robx's/Gucci's "You know what, I agree, maybe this is best as I'm tired of your crap behavior anyway/time to move on" approach. Or perhaps some combination of the two.
I believe a mix of AllenA, Gucci, RobX, Puppy and Coach are the best. Puppy guided many down the right path.
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This morning. ....I don’t have any desire to continue digging...
Best thing is to not reveal what you know. Do not reveal how you know. Do not even reveal that you do know...YET....
Intel is powerful if you can handle it. I am a firm believer that an alpha male will do what it takes to understand what he is dealing with before taking action. Then he will do what is necessary to protect the relationship if it is important to him. He will gain respect in doing this.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Personally after everything I’ve learned through this process, IMO a PA should be a deal breaker for everyone on this board.
I believe there is a difference between a drunken one night stand and a full blown secret affair that last for years.
As for OZ, it is important to understand what he is dealing with.
I know that unhappy wifes are easy targets. Even happy wifes are easy targets. I have the skills to easily seduce these woman. Getting LBH to add these skills to their behavior and use them with their wifes takes time. LBH have so many roadblocks in their way, mostly self created. How do they rewire their thought process and behavior?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I have only one fear. And that is dying in a hospital bed of brain cancer alone. But that’s a different story. As far as my marriage. I don’t have any fears any more. Just want to make sure my boy is taken care of.
I have no fear of her, of her having an A, of her leaving, of D.
If she wants to reconcile. I’m in. Full disclosure and full transparency. If she wants out. I’m out. Peace
That’s where I am
I’m cool with either outcome.
Unless PA is confirmed. And then I’m not sure if I would want to Reconcile. I would have to think a lot in that.
But really. I’m cool with whatever.
And I really appreciate you guys questioning the validity of my feelings. I kinda question them myself
I believe there is a difference between a drunken one night stand and a full blown secret affair that last for years. I know that unhappy wifes are easy targets.
Personal tolerances. For me, monogamy is a core promise, so cheating is unacceptable. Drunken one-night stands typically require choosing to have drinks under questionable circumstances. I've been the OM more than once, where it was clear to me the spouse was angling for an "oops" moment. I drew a line the one time my partner tried to be intimate after going to a bar and "forgetting" the evening. It jogged her memory.
Thanks for everything today guys. You all are really great. You really are. I wouldn’t be where I am today without this group of people. Maybe now that I really don’t care at all how it turns out. Maybe now the heavy duty DBing can kick in. Lol
But I don’t have a lot of patience left I feel like.
Life is not a game. And we shouldn’t treat it as such
I don’t think they’re playing a game I think that is their true feelings at the moment that they are done. What they don’t know is that the feelings can and will likely come back at some point and the fantasy that they have in their mind will likely never come true.
I understand where you’re at right now with not willing to live like you are anymore, I got there too. It just took longer then 4 months. Just remember you’re feelings fluctuate and today you can decide you’re not done.
AS. I can promise you that I’m not trying to get a response out of her. If she wants to D than fine. I really am OK with it. Your “having sex with OM” question you posed to me a couple months ago? If I saw that it would phase me zero. I mean that. I would literally be like “holy smokes! They are doing that THERE?!!? And then I would kick her out of the bedroom and sleep like a baby. Zero emotional response from me.
She has offered little to no support in the way of my fresh diagnosis.
No from what you've described she's been pretty cold and heartless about it. I'm curious if you think she's hanging around with the hope of grabbing your life insurance and/ or estate?
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She really has the ultimate cake eating experience. She gets to come home, vent about her day, enjoy my income. Enjoy the platonic aspects of my company without offering any intimacy. It’s very one sided
My XW moved out pretty quick after BD so I don't know what this is like, but it sounds like absolute hell based on what you and others have described.
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I have no idea how much time I have. Sounds like a few years talking to doc. I’m not sure if I want to spend it all in limbo.
The truth of it is your WAS has shown no signs of turning around. Will she if you give it enough time? Maybe, maybe not. But it will probably be a year or even years before you know. It's your life and your choice, but if it were me then I would file for D now and never look back at her and make the most of the time I had left whether that is with someone else, or just my loved ones. If you only have years left then the BEST time you have left is happening now, why waste it on someone who doesn't love you or even care enough about you to show even basic interest in what you're going through.
So AS. Let me clear something up. Brain cancer is a funny thing. Stats said 3.5 years to 17 years. Lol that’s quite a spread. It’s been 7.5 years and I still feel great. I just always have the docs give me worst case scenario. So that is something like 3 years. But who knows right?
Anyways.
So I just got off work. She has been off work for an hour and a half now. She has been about an hour late from work every day this week. I called her yesterday ( legitimate question) and she didn’t answer. You know how I feel about that? Nothing. I feel nothing. And if I do feel something. It’s pity for her. There might be a tiny bit of sadness way down deep there. But it’s way way down there , if it’s there at all. This really is a strange feeling. I don’t know what to make if it. Is it rope drop. Is it over? I don’t know. Make sense?
Do we have a chance if I’m not trying at all? Or is that what gives us a chance? Do I actually care. I do love her. Prolly always will. Should I throw out an ILY or some sort of advance just to see if it blows up In my my face lol!! If it does then oh well. Should I sit her down and ask her if she is in out and go from there?
Should I do nothing and wait for lease to be up. Should I put the moves on. Lol. I feel like for me it’s a win win. Regardless of what happens. Make sense. Is this the whole goal of DBing. To get to this spot?
I feel like I could BD her. But I don’t think I will. That seems mean
If you are really ready to pull the plug on it then have the conversation with her.
Tell her in a kind loving way that the relationship hasn’t been working for you over the last 4 months and that you would like to work together on improving the relationship. Listen to what she says and validate her feelings. If she says I would also like to work on it then great set up an appointment with MC. If she says she’s done and doesn’t want to work on it. Validate her feelings and then let her know that you can’t live like this anymore and that discuss amicably divorcing.
You have to be 100% sure you are ready to D because my guess is that’s where you are heading and not following through will only prolong your limbo.
So I threw an ILY out there this morning while she was leaving for work. She about didn’t have time to reply before shutting door. So there was no reply. We will see how she is this evening
I am still willing to work on it. Maybe I am rushing things a touch. But there are really not much for feelings left from me. I guess we will see how it goes
I just want to make the right choices in the mean time. But however it turns out is fine with me. Maybe I should wait till lease is up. Maybe is shouldn’t.
Well Oz yesterday you had me convinced you were ready to move on but after today’s post it’s clear you are not.
Here’s what I can tell you. If she’s in an affair which all signs point to right now. Nothing is going to change by January. Even if she’s not you will not likely see any movement.
Speak to a lawyer and start to look into getting your own place. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
LH. Nah my friend. I am ready to move on. I just want to make sure I didn’t explore some option that I should have. Her alibi as her to where she has been also is pretty iron clad. If I needed to pick up some slack where I have slipped than maybe I should wait a while. I’m done. But if she is willing to work on it and I just blow by that opportunity than I would regret it. Does that make sense? Like I’m done. But I’m still willing to give it a shot if she is.
If she is still done after 4 months. Than I’m done too. No sweat. If she is willing to give it a try than I’m all in
So I figure i have 3 options
1 Start saying ILY again (cause it’s true). And than have a big R talk, sort stuff out. See where she is and go from there. If it’s D great, if it’s R great. But clear the air. Lay it all out in the table. A or no A. Let her know I’m not mad or sad and I’m fine with whatever. Everybody’s showing their hand. There is no dishonesty. Full transparency. If my cancer is too much, that’s ok. I don’t hold it against her. If she doesn’t love me any more. That’s ok too. She has been unsure about our M since it started. The day we got married her dad asked her “are you sure about this”. Her response “I don’t know”. Then they walked down the aisle. Lol. But just be open and honest. Two human beings just being decent to one another. And if it’s over? Call it. I mean her no I’ll will. And to be honest I don’t think she does me either
2 wait till Jan and then do above convo.
3 DB my butt off and see what happens. I am in prime position to do that very well now. Cause I have zero neediness. Cause I am over her
I hope all that made sense.
Also I have no interest in a lawyer. I know my rights. I don’t think she is trying to screw me or take S from me. From where I sit. She is a great mom, she has been a good wife, everything just got too much and she doesn’t know how to handle it.
We couldn’t afford lawyers anyways. I would be for mediation. You know? How civilized people act. That care about each other. But for whatever reason can’t be together
So that is something like 3 years. But who knows right?
Right, no one knows. You could live another 50 years and I could die in an accident on the way home today. I've never been big on the "live every day like it's your last" concept, if I did I would sure not be sitting here at work, hahaha! Better to live assuming you'll be around a while and plan accordingly.
I made it about 3 years before enough was enough and I pushed the D through. It's hard to keep loving someone that doesn't love you back, I did it for a good long while but couldn't continue indefinitely. You do get to the point where you just don't have much feelings or emotions about it anymore. It's not that you quit caring or lose hope, it's that your priorities shift away from this person and onto other people and things. For me I knew when it was time, there weren't any doubts at all.
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Do we have a chance if I’m not trying at all? Or is that what gives us a chance?
There's always a chance. After BD, after S, after D, even after decades apart. No one knows the future.
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Do I actually care. I do love her. Prolly always will. Should I throw out an ILY or some sort of advance just to see if it blows up In my my face lol!! If it does then oh well.
I would have said no, but I see in a later post that you did and got no response. Not sure why you felt inclined to say that, if you want to temp check her then do it the right way- sit her down, tell her you are ready to move on, ask her if she feels the same and if she does then discuss where to go from there. But again, don't do this unless you are 100% sure that S and or D is what you are ready for.
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I am still willing to work on it. Maybe I am rushing things a touch. But there are really not much for feelings left from me. I guess we will see how it goes
You seem like you are all over the place. You don't have feelings, but you do love her. You're done, but you want to say ILY and see what her reaction is. You want to BD her but you're afraid you're not doing enough. So give yourself more time.
Like AS said you're all over the board. IMO you have two choices:
1. Continue to detach, 180s and GAL 2. Sit her down and get right to the point and tell her this isn't working for you and you would love to work on the marriage but if she has no interest you are ready to walk and never look back unless she brings up reconciliation first.
I would talk to an attorney about getting a separation agreement that specifically spells out custody and financial arrangements. Find out how long it takes and spend the next 3 months getting your ducks in a row. Keep DB'ing because that's for you. I don't recommend moving out until you have a legal custody agreement in place. Don't assume she will be civil. You just never know how someone will react after a BD.
Not sure about the conversation. I could argue either way on that one.
Like I have told you earlier, this process is like an onion. peel off one layer at a time.
You have many layers left to peel off. Do the hard work now.
The hard path is the easy path and the easy path is the hard path. I tell my kids this all the time. Do the hard work now to make your life easier later. Take the easy path now and your life will be harder later.
You still do what you feel like and not what you should be doing. Who told you to throw out an ILY? I believe a "Those jeans make you look fat" would have been a better choice.
List out all the books you have read since joining this forum.
1) Stop pursuing your W. 2) Focus on you. 3) Be the best dad ever. 4) DB your butt off.
1) Never make assumptions 2) Do not take anything personally 3) Always do your best 4) Be impeccable with your word
Weigh the words of these active posters very heavily: Sandi2, AnotherStander,LH19,Steve85. Weigh the words of these wise posters heavily also: PuppyDogTails,Coach, AllenA, Gucci,RobX
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Part of your DBing effort is to protect yourself legally. Arrange free consults with the top 3 divorce attorney's in your area. Have a list of questions.
Go watch a few divorce hearings.
Review your states statutes.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
LH 19 said that maybe throwing out an ILY would be ok. Based on convo W had with my mother
Am I just getting antsy for resolution you think?
If W DID want to recon. I don’t think she would take the first step. It’s not her way
I really don’t feel like I’m all over the board. What I do feel is very content. Whether she stays or goes. I just don’t wanna blow it if it CAN be saved. If it can’t. I’m totally fine without her. Make sense?
Not trying to beat a dead horse. Just wanna button down what you guys are really thinking
If you’re 100% ready then talk to her about it. We stress no relationship talks because they usually don’t end well but if you’re ready to walk then it’s ok. It’s actually the mature alpha thing to do. You are lovely communicating that you would love to work things out but if she’s not interested then you will go find someone who wants to be with you.
Now having said that if she says she’s not interested and you don’t follow through you will remain in limbo until she’s ready to D you or she changes her mind. She will have zero worries of losing you.
I’m ready for the convo. I’m guessing 90/10 she wants D vs R. But who knows. I love her, I really do. But I am completely detached. She could walk and it wouldn’t hurt.
That being said. Would DBing and 180ing and GALing like a crazy man make a difference in the next 3 months. Cause the convo has to happen then no matter what. I’m not renting another place with her unless she is committed
That’s why I asked about ILYs. What have I got to lose? If they blow up in my face then fine. Or is convo better
Not sure what you mean. If you’re talking about that you feel you are done and ready to walk away. Yeah it would be great but I’m not buying it. Can’t remember anyone who was ready to give up after 4 months.
If you mean where you’re sitch is at it’s pretty much par for the course. Little to no movement after 4 months.
Wife is extra pissy tonight. They are playing the chiefs game at the drive in. Sounds awesome right?!??!! She doesn’t want to go. So I’m going by my self. It’s gonna be awesome!!!!
She might be about ready to BD me again. Who knows. Lol
I also have another question. I thought that when you became completely detached (your done). That is when you could DB effectively. I am completely detached. So I’m curious why I am being told to sit her down for the big “are you in or out convo”. If being detached is the big goal
I also have another question. I thought that when you became completely detached (your done). That is when you could DB effectively. I am completely detached. So I’m curious why I am being told to sit her down for the big “are you in or out convo”. If being detached is the big goal
Oz, you are nowhere close to detached. Your WORDS (to us) say detached. Your ACTIONS do not. Let me offer an example to help you understand the difference:
NOT DETACHED:
Originally Posted by ozman
First off she is upset about money. Or lack there of. She is being very short and cold
H do you want to go to chiefs game at drive in theater? It’s free W no H ok, well I’m gonna go W ............
H how was your day at work? W fine.
Very short. Very snippy.
DETACHED:
Originally Posted by ozman
First off she is upset about money. Or lack there of. She is being very short and cold
H do you want to go to chiefs game at drive in theater? It’s free(Oz is walking out door) W noWhere are you going? H ok, well I’m gonna goOut. W ............ Where?? H To watch the game. (leaves and closes door)
H how was your day at work? W fine.You've been quiet lately, are you doing OK? H I am awesome! W Aren't you going to ask about my day? H Oh wow, I didn't realize what time it was. (leaves, closes door)
Originally Posted by ozman
I’m ready for the convo. I’m guessing 90/10 she wants D vs R. But who knows.
I do. It's 100/0 right now. Give it time and it'll shift.
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I love her, I really do. But I am completely detached. She could walk and it wouldn’t hurt.
That being said. Would DBing and 180ing and GALing like a crazy man make a difference in the next 3 months.
If you were really detached you wouldn't even ask that question.
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That’s why I asked about ILYs. What have I got to lose? If they blow up in my face then fine.
You'll lose whatever respect she may still have for you, and you will potentially gain nothing. Why? Because you are clearly only saying it as a trick to get a response out of her.
First off you are not detached because if you were you would not care if she said no to the Chiefs game and would not care if she said work was just fine. In fact not only do you care you took answers she gave you that are perfectly acceptable and turned them into she hates you.
Second I am not sure I can give you anymore advise because you take things out of context. I gave you advice based on your insistence that you were ready to end the limbo. Even thenI specifically told you that I didn't think you were ready, I think you need to get back to the DB basics. Print of Sandis 37 rules and start implementing them.
When you asked her to go to the game that is pursuit. Which well not advised is ok if when she turns you down it doesn't effect you in anyway. It clearly did so I think you need to stop all pursuit.
I think I know what’s happening. When I first came to the board and read countless stories on here the theme seemed to be that the WW will not look back until the LBS was done. So since I wasn’t done I would pretend like I’m done. Well guess what my ex knew I wasn’t done. Why? Because I had been with her for 24 years and she knew me like a book.
You see if you can even convince us you’re done you’re sure not going to convince the person who knows you best you’re done.
Hmm. AS i have to say that sounds more rude than detached you know what I mean?
We also have a son so I can’t just up and leave without asking her if she’s got the boy taken care of
Also this is how that conversation would go if I did what you said
W where are you going? H out W uhm ok I guess I’ll watch S thanks for letting me know (sarcasm). And where are going H to watch the game W uh ok, you couldn’t have said that the first time I asked. Why are you being a dick??
She was also very rude this morning.
And as I am typing this she just texted me from work. It says “I’m sorry I was rude this morning”
Hmm. AS i have to say that sounds more rude than detached you know what I mean?
That's NGS talking.
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We also have a son so I can’t just up and leave without asking her if she’s got the boy taken care of
Yes of course, that is why I mentioned before that you need to SCHEDULE your evenings off with your W. But you didn't do that, did you? Tell her you need a couple of evenings to do as you please, and offer her the same. You take Tuesdays and Thursdays and she watches S, and she gets Mondays and Wednesdays and you watch S. That, like what I posted above, is an EXAMPLE. You have to TAILOR it to your specific needs, not make excuses not to do it. On your days you go do your own thing. She asks where you're going you say "out". Get it?
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W where are you going? H out W uhm ok I guess I’ll watch S thanks for letting me know (sarcasm). And where are going H to watch the gameIt's Thursday, my evening to do my own thing as we previously agreed to. W uh ok, you couldn’t have said that the first time I asked. Why are you being a dick?? H I will not be spoken to in that manner, and besides, it's time for me to head out (leaves, closes door)
I was just trying to provide some context to how she was acting. It didn’t bother me that she didn’t want to go. That’s fine. I left and was excited as soon as I walked out the door. I wasn’t bothered by her response. I was just giving an example of her irritability.
I’ll leave it at this. I really don’t know what I am. When I get off work and she is not there. I’m not disappointed. I look forward to the little bit of time alone. When she pulls up with S. I’m happy to see her. If she is in a bad mood, I don’t get my feelings hurt I just let her be. I was fine with the way things went last night. I will admit there was a small pant of sadness once I was there cause lots of people were asking “where’s W?” But that pang was brief. I still feel guilty for my share of the M problems. But I don’t feel responsible for her happiness. I enjoy myself when I’m not around her more than I do when I’m with her. I feel like having the big R talk with her so that if it is over, it’s over and no more limbo. I don’t feel like I have done as good as I could of however in the last 3 months. But the one certaintity is. I’m tired of the limbo. Make up your mind. Because I know for a 100 percent fact I will be fine without her.
I want her to make up her mind. And I am ok with whatever. I promise that. But if I am needlessly throwing away a marriage because of impatience. That would make me sad. Does that make sense? It’s not me fretting about am I really done or not. It’s me fretting about becoming another divorce stat when if I would have just been patient things would have worked out. That being said. I’m out of patience. You love me or you don’t. Be my wife or don’t. Because I’m tired.
I hope this makes sense. I’m not arguing with you guys. You guys are much wiser than I. But I do think some things have been lost in translation in this text format
Thanks
Just saw your above post AS. thank you. You are right
Well Oz there is only one way you will find out the answer to you question about be patient. Being patient. My guess is your going to find out the answer come lease time. She will either approach you about going your separate ways or getting a new lease. If it’s about getting a new lease then let her know you are only interested if she is willing to work on the marriage. Then you can DB your a$$ of the next 2 months and have no regrets.
ozman, just came in to encourage you. Hang in there. This is likely the hardest thing emotionally you've ever gone through (and that says a lot because you've been through a lot). It can be difficult to remain patient. But doing nothing is always better than doing the wrong thing. Remember, when you feel you need to act, usually the best course of action is to do nothing.
Hang in there!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Please start a new thread and link both of them together.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Keep it up, a positive outlook is your best weapon and it sounds like you've got that down!