This is my first post on this board despite BD being almost 3 years ago. My H would appear to be in the minority as I’ve never uncovered any kind of affair. He filed for D Nov 17 and moved out Dec 17 a day before our 7 year wedding anniversary. He’s been through the usual, change in how he dresses, lots of holidays abroad, spewing, tantrums and complete personality change etc. He’s calmed down loads this year and started to show signs of his old self on occasions but we are clearly far from done as today has shown whilst at mediation. It was revealed to me today that he has dropped his legal representation and hasn’t been using them for sometime as he wasn’t really happy with them. What a surprise. We have been having months of mediation and now he’s realised that it’s time to find a new lawyer as he doesn’t like anything that I’m asking for in the settlement. The mediator is pushing to try and bring this to an end but he just keeps putting up blocks. 2 years ago he was desperate to have this D and yet his efforts are so half hearted. Why on earth do they insist on a D only to then drag it out. He goes on about wanting to move on with his life but then leaves everything hanging. It’s like he puts in just enough effort to make it seem like he’s cooperating when in-fact he’s doing nothing. Will this ever come to an end?
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
The mediator is pushing to try and bring this to an end but he just keeps putting up blocks. 2 years ago he was desperate to have this D and yet his efforts are so half hearted
Reasons why they stall: 1) The paperwork is too much hassle (they want the "zipless" divorce where everything magically goes their way without them having to do any work). 2) There's a financial benefit to them to stalling the divorce (they're reluctant to part with a chunk of change they'll have to give you, or what they're giving you now is less than what they'll owe in support with a divorce) 3) They want to keep you as Plan B in case their fantasies of a different life don't work out 4) They're in denial about the financial realities of divorce and keep changing lawyers in hopes of finding one who will tll them what they want to hear instead of the truth about what they will owe you. 5) There's an OW who is pushing them to marry and they're using the excuse that they can't get YOU to finish the divorce as a way to keep the OW off their back.
Oh - and yes, most likely he had an affair even if you didn't discover it. Maybe only liaisons with foreign prostitutes, or an online long distance affair, or rarely they were a closeted homosexual. Also rarely there was a simple addiction (drugs or gambling) instead of an affair. But I'd say 98% of WAHs here have had an affair, and he shows the typical sxs otherwise.
Kml thank you for your very interesting insight. It’s great to finally find someone answers to my endless questions after all this time and it’s certainly very much appreciated. Is it good or bad that I’m neither surprised or upset at the possibility of H having had an A, emotional or otherwise? I think I’m actually reaching a point of not caring.
To any newbies who are unfortunately joining so many of us on this journey I just want to say that despite how it feels or looks it does get easier and you will get through this. 2 1/2 years ago my life felt like it was falling apart and I was literally terrified of what lay ahead. But even though you can’t see it now you will be ok and you will get your life back on track. I promise you, you will be ok sooner than you realise. Our WAS on the other hand, who knows what awaits them. But Karma always bites back.
Now I just need to wait and see if H actually does get himself a new lawyer without the threat of court action. I really do hope so.
I think KML said the main possibilities of why the MLC er stalls and we do see this kind of thing a lot
I tend to wonder if they are really done when they dont push the D through but many times they cant seem to come back either
they are just confused and lost they get a glimpse of the new life and of course they remain unhappy--so they probebly wonder did they do the right thing
You on the other hand- seem fine and grounded one day--they follow through or we do-
mine waited about 2 years, and he was with OW then I got served and he went through with D and M OW I was surprised to see him marry her so quickly-
hang in-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Peace today thank you. She probably pushed him to marry so quickly as deep down she was probably terrified that he would change his mind and leave her to.
I don’t know and probably never will his reasons for delaying but I’m almost at a point where I don’t think I want to stand anymore, time is passing and my life is moving on.
I think many of us here, give it the time 2-5 years of healing and seeing where our H land--
We all have needs and choices and if our H cant step back in the R after a reasonable healing time- We can make the choice for them But some want to stand for longer and hold on to the vows and that is fine too It is a personal choice
It seems the hardest part is over...the path to acceptance that this M may be over for good-
good luck
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Well for whatever reason I've been unable to post so I'm trying again.
H has been fairly quiet on the activity front since mediation. I am however still waiting for him to sign the paperwork for the solicitors who are dealing with the house, If it actually sells. I guess sighning two pages is just way to much work for his busy schedule.
Today is the 2 year anniversary since BD2 , it's over and I want a divorce. I had actually forgotten all about it until this evening so that's an improvement on last year. December will be 3 years since BD1 so we'll see how I deal with that come then. I was hoping by this point it would be slightly clearer as to where on tis journey he is but unfortunately not. Although his reply antics seem to have more or less become a distant memory and he's been showing signs of depression more so lately. I couldn't believe how scruffy he looked the other day, really not his thing and he's replaced his usual aftershave with the rather unpleasant aroma of BO. The man I married would have died of shame if he smelt of anything other than his Paul Smith Aftershave. But as my Ic has pointed out it's not my job to worry about him. I need to look after me and our D.
On another positive note it's my Birthday this weekend and for the first time in 2 years I'm actually looking forward to it. I've also registered to do a Baby yoga instructors course and I passed my first assignment this week so that's really positive as if I pass I will be able to work for myself running as many classes as I want when I want giving me more time with D and cutting my childcare costs down. I will also be able to earn more money than I currently do which is such a relief.
So now I just have to see If H turns up in November to our next mediation session with a Solicitor ready on the other end of the phone or if he'll play dumb and clear he hadn't realised he needed to. I am sceptical as he claims to have a new one but hasn't provided any details and they seem to be available for absolutely any date we arrange the session for. Strange as mine has to fit it around her other clients oddly enough. I guess we'll see what we see when it's time.
congrats on the baby yoga class and passing first assignment what a great idea!
Watching the mlc is quite confusing as they do seem to let themselves go and get totally pulled into a world of darkness usually very different from the original spouse
you are doing fabulous--keep moving and the D will be over soon Many seem to find strategies to keep us on the line but in the end--we get out and move on to a better place and healthier R
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
So today was my birthday, my third without H, and it was actually really nice. I wasn’t looking forward to it as the last two were not really that great as I spent them mostly on my own with either zero or very little acknowledgement of the day from H. The first one he had ended things 4 days before and my parents were away so it sucked. Then the second one H spent the day with D who was 4 at ours ish. They came and went throughout the day and he didn’t left it up to my parents to help d get me a present. This meant he basically ignored the significants of the day and didn’t even wish me a happy Birthday. But this year we have ever so slight progress. He took D to get me a card and gift and he wished me a happy Birthday as he left last night. Well knock me down with a feather. He spent most of yesterday going on about how they had got me something but how D had chosen it and then this morning d told me that H had suggested gifts to get me and had picked the card. 😱 So perhaps he is still progressing after all. I also received a card off my father in law which was a lovely surprise. He hasn’t sent me a birthday or Christmas card since h left. I’ve had the odd text but nothing in at least 6 months. I sent him a thank you text and had a lovely reply back. I have no idea why he’s suddenly started to send me cards but it’s nice as we always got along so well and I do miss him.
All that aside my family and D have given me their time today and we have done some lovely things and my night out with my friends was really lovely. I don’t think it could have been any better.
On a more annoying note my friends are trying to arrange a weekend away for one of their birthdays and this means H will have to have D for a couple of nights. It’s very simple, I’m going and I will have to book it so why the hell does can you have D have to be replied to by h with “ we’ll see. Anything can happen between now and Feb”. What??? It’s only 16 weeks away so I kind of need a yes or a no. And as it’s a weekend and he doesn’t work weekends I don’t see it being that difficult. Seriously what ???? I haven’t actually said who I’m going away with and he was really probing d today about what we spent the day doing. I don’t know if he’s thinking that I might have someone else or if he’s just being difficult on purpose but either way if I want to go I’m going. I’ve not been away for one single night without my d and just my friends since before he left. I’m doing it so whatever it is that he thinks might change it would need to fairly huge and probably unforeseen. Sorry rant over! 😂 Now onto the Ice cream and film because tomorrow I’m back to work.
Happy birthday. It does get easier every year. We'll see is pretty typical. It means unless something I'd rather do or more fun comes along. Planning? What is that.
Like OwnIt said, “Planning? What is that?” . Phffttt. MLCers.
Make a backup plan for daughter’s care, like grandparents or such. Might even be the primary plan if H doesn’t get his head out of..... the sand. (Oh, almost could feel the smack from job )
Have a great day.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Never can really know why he is being stubborn- about you weekend getaway, and while he seems to be making progress- Most MLCers are not very considerate for their childrens needs or the LBS they are very selfish- so it does not surprise me
I would as you said...find another safe place to leave your D... If H cant do it---its best to find a safe fun place for her,,,so you will be free to not worry about her/them
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes and input.
I don’t want H to know as he will just pass the responsibility on but I do have my parents on standby. He seems to just think that if he can’t be bothered they will just step in. What a surprise. I did also question if this could be about control. He can literally do as he pleases when he wants but knows that I can’t as my family aren’t local and neither are his. Without his help I struggle to go out in the evening so most of my socialising happens in the day when D is at school and i’m not working. That’s actually not to much of an issue for me as I only work 3 days and see my friends plenty as they are about in the day to. So despite what he probably thinks or hopes I’m actually quite happy with my life. Unlike him .
Thank you everyone, it’s all very much appreciated.
So I have a random question that I would just like to throw out there. Although H seems to be making some sort of progress the self absorbed behaviour seems to just keep on coming. So I’m just curious to know when they stop being so self absorbed? Is this an element that continues until the end or does it end when they reach acceptance?
I dont think enough people post about the aftermath of MLC so i dont think we really know
statistics of
How many come through? If they return to a normal considerate state If they become good parents again
maybe depends also on the severity of the MLCers issues and childhood trauma I think I will start a thread to ask old timers where there MLCer is 5-10 years after crises would be interesting to see if some old timers pop back in to share
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
What a great idea Peace, I certainly think it could be a very interesting read for many of us. The MLC is a very complex process and info on the later stages with much detail is certainly harder to find. I have no idea as to where my H is the process but I can say with certainty that the self absorbed behaviour is showing little sign of changing. Although on a plus side he does seem to exhibit less of this behaviour towards our D these days.
So interesting developments in H’s D today. Finally received the long awaited phone call from the mediation office to confirm next weeks final appointment. Only 1 problem, it wasn’t to confirm it was to cancel. Apparently H did get a new Solicitor as promised but said solicitor has apparently been signed off on long term sick and H naturally didn’t like the replacement. So he’s now looking for a new solicitor and will let us know when that’s sorted. I think that puts is total up to 7 solicitors that I know of who he’s either spoken with or actually taken on. So as no progress is being made and as H still hasn’t handed me the paperwork for the house I messaged him today to let him know that I was taking the house off the market until the new year. Response to this as you can all guess was radio silence of course. So today the 24 month and counting D went on hold and the house came off the market. My Solicitor wants to give him 2 weeks to get legal advice and then start looking at putting in an application to court but I really don’t want to as it will wipe me out finically and probably take at least a year to get a court date anyway. So as H has slowed his spending and I have no concerns with that for now and as. Christmas is approaching I think I’m going to just going to sit back for a while, concentrate on my course and just take a break whilst I wait and see what H does next. This is going be interesting.
I am sorry that your appointment was canceled, but I'm not surprised. They tend to go through quite a few lawyers and mediators along the way.
I do think you are handling things quite well and if you are comfortable in waiting until after Christmas, then you should do so. Just keep an eye on the finances, etc. I would advise your Solicitor that you are going to sit back for a bit and wait on your h to see what he does. After all, the ball is in his court to find someone new and get on w/things.
Keep the focus on you and your course. You've got this!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Label I’ve just started to read your thread, not caught up yet but it does sound like you’re W is giving her crisis all she’s got. Try to detach and believe nothing that she says, it will make this easier for you on this very long journey.
Just 4 weeks to go now until my wedding anniversary and the 3 year mark for BD. I never believed when all this started that we would make it to our 9 year anniversary, he was adamant it would all be done within 7 months. I wish I could see an end in sight but as we all know spotting the signs of the end stages is difficult at best. So for now I will sit and wait for whatever is next and just hope that the rest of this journey is as kind as possible.
It’s been a while since I last posted as H has been very inactive. What was supposed to be our final mediation session in November never happened because H couldn’t get a Solicitor that would agree with him in time. So roll forward to now and H has now got one, his original one. What a surprise! 😂 So I received a random letter that basically suggested I was holding things up and preventing negotiations by not providing my financial information. The same financial info that I have submitted twice over the last two years. Apparently If I want to continue I need to submit it which I’ve basically ignored on the advice of my Solicitor because 1) I’ve done it and 2) as we are using a mediator his solicitor doesn’t need it. So moving on from that crazy H then decided during a conversation regarding finances to start getting upset about how he doesn’t know what he wants because no solicitor will tell him that he’s going to come out of this D with a decent settlement and how we have used up so much money on this. Ok so point out the obvious why don’t you. Anyway I made it very clear that it’s his doing and nobody else’s and that I didn’t not and do not want a D and that I was willing to negotiate but not without a solicitor. He then proceeded to tell me that he wasn’t angry with me and that he owes his solicitor a fair amount of money and needs to pay his rent so would probably delay payment until Jan. sorry H not my problem. He said we would talk properly about it when he wasn’t working but I wasn’t hopeful. Then sure enough he’s been avoiding me since.
So when he called last night I said we needed to sort out what we are doing and sure enough we have now moved to it’s my fault because I won’t take his financial offer and that I should because he can’t afford to give me what I want. Apparently I’m blackmailing him with my proposed settlement so I’m stalling things. H even asked why we couldn’t have a mediation session with us and our solicitors. You know just like the one he cancelled. 🤦‍♀️ When I pointed out that he could make a counter offer and we could negotiate he actually said “ what you want me to negotiate? You would do that?” OMG this is a man who lives by the rule that everything can be negotiated on and if you don’t ask you don’t get. So back on the crazy train we go. O Joy!
I am so sorry that he's dragging his feet and trying to shift the blame on to you. This is typical MLC behavior.
I agree, if you have already provided your financial information once, there should no need to do so again. Your h's solicitor should be contacting yours and the two of them sharing info. Any more letters or discussions w/your h about this, refer him to your solicitor.
At the rate your h is behaving, it may be quite a while before anything is done. It's frustrating as heck, but you've got this and you will push through it w/lots of patience and prayers.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am so sorry that he's dragging his feet and trying to shift the blame on to you. This is typical MLC behavior.
I agree, if you have already provided your financial information once, there should no need to do so again. Your h's solicitor should be contacting yours and the two of them sharing info. Any more letters or discussions w/your h about this, refer him to your solicitor.
At the rate your h is behaving, it may be quite a while before anything is done. It's frustrating as heck, but you've got this and you will push through it w/lots of patience and prayers.
Hang in there!
Thank you Job. As my Solicitor has said let them wait and when they as refer them back to the mediator. They have everything on record and when that happens he’ll have egg on his face. Quite like my Solicitor at times.
This has all come about because last week I showed myself to have become a little to independent for a MLCS taste. See I dared to go out and buy a new car without asking for any help from him. See in the past he would have walked me through the whole process including the taxing and insuring the car. Then I had the audacity to have him take care of our D whilst I went out with my friend for dinner . From what I understand the MLCS doesn’t like it when we become to independent. It’s certainly annoyed him because he loves Cars and has to have a good look but he can’t even bring himself to go near it . He’s also barely been able to look me in the eyes since so I know he’s one annoyed H. Oops! lol
Foxpop, your H and mine are reading the same script at the moment. Claim you want the divorce and then do whatever possible to stall while simultaneously blaming the other party. Looks like you aren't making the mistake I have at several times, thinking his ambivalence somehow related to feelings for me. Nope, all about him and that MLC fear of making any decision at any time. I think they do convince themselves we are the holdup. At least for mine, I used to do everything for him. Now that I'm not, I can see how he would think it is me. Of course when I try that, I'm just controlling and he disappears because he doesn't have to do things my way. My guess, if you want the divorce you will have to push it through as your solicitor suggests. I will be doing the same as soon as my son, who struggles emotionally, is in the clear from any forced visitation without limits.
I think many mLcers will freak when they realize the money they expected to keep for their new life will be taken from the and many will have to pay alimony/ child support for quite some time when they do the math , they get mad
I think they expected we would pave the way for them and there is the mistake of the LBS D turns to business...not emotional for us we have to take care of ourselves and our kids
hang in
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Foxpop, your H and mine are reading the same script at the moment. Claim you want the divorce and then do whatever possible to stall while simultaneously blaming the other party. Looks like you aren't making the mistake I have at several times, thinking his ambivalence somehow related to feelings for me. Nope, all about him and that MLC fear of making any decision at any time. I think they do convince themselves we are the holdup. At least for mine, I used to do everything for him. Now that I'm not, I can see how he would think it is me. Of course when I try that, I'm just controlling and he disappears because he doesn't have to do things my way. My guess, if you want the divorce you will have to push it through as your solicitor suggests. I will be doing the same as soon as my son, who struggles emotionally, is in the clear from any forced visitation without limits.
OwnIt isn’t it funny how they follow these scripts. No prier knowledge of MLC, no contact with each other yet they follow theses scripts. Fascinating.
If they blame us they can keep avoiding the hard truth that it’s them and only them. However you can only run for so long before it catches up with them. OwnIt don’t think for one second that I haven’t had any thoughts that these delay tactics could be about his feelings for me. I have had moments as it’s human nature but I quickly remind myself that it’s about them and only them.
I have tried to push it through but he finds a way to delay. I’m now faced with only one option to push it through and that’s court but I couldn’t afford it and to be honest I think in reality I would regret it. I also believe H is somewhere in the later stages of his crisis and if I’ve come this far still married then perhaps I should just let it play out and see what happens. At the moment it’s financially better for me to wait and see but I’m watching carefully.
PeaceToday you’re so right, H completely doesn’t get that our D is business not emotional. He’s going on about how he will have no money and I’m there telling him that I don’t care it’s about me being able to provide for our D and not him. He went very quiet. I think he hoped we could cut out the solicitor and he could just manipulate me . Sorry but but not happening I have a child and that changes everything.
So it’s been very quiet this end. H has been very inactive to the point where I’ve had the mediation office call me for an update. I’ve told them speak to H as I have no idea other than he was going to put forward another financial offer after claiming he hadn’t realised we could negotiate.😂 That was a good 4 weeks ago and nobody has heard anything so the mediation office have said he has 7 days to contact them before they review our case. That means they may decide negotiations have failed, Close the case and if H wants his D it will have to be through solicitors again.
I have found that over the last two weeks H has been more helpful and has been offering to walk the dog more and actually paying him some attention. He’s been doing numerous school runs which have been helpful and he’s been paying more attention to the smaller details. Cleaning d’s shoes and doing it with her, noticing the cats need something and just doing it. But I’ve also noticed something else and this has me curious. Do Midlifers try to move bits of themselves back in? What I mean by this is H has a few things that I packed away of his in the garage . He never took them but instead started to give bits to D. One thing being an old teddy from when he was a child. Next he has given d a watch of his and said she can keep it for as long as she wants. It feels like he’s trying to keep a part of himself in the house. I assume this has something to do with their inability to fully let go .
So now let’s see if he contacts the mediation office this week. It will certainly be interesting.
Just when you think you have a handle on things they have to go and mess with you.
So I took a job 2 years ago after H left with the intention of finding something better once the D was sorted. Well almost 2 years on and it’s not. The thing is I hate this job and despite trying for over a year to find something else that will work around D and my childcare arrangements nothing has come up. So I have decided to retrain so I can start my own business in something more family friendly. It’s going well but will be a while yet until I’m done. However things at work really aren’t great and as H has done nothing much with the D since September I have decided to hand in my notice at work next week and build up the business base of a little sideline I have. Now after spending some time in IC I have come to realise that H had a habit of derailing my career plans when they didn’t fully work for him. So needless to say I was a little concerned about sharing my new plans with him but as we still share a joint account and have to disclose our income due the D I reluctantly told him I was handing in my notice. He was actually really understanding which I was momentarily pleased about. Then it came. He just happened to ask me if I had heard from my Solicitor. I said no and that I hadn’t heard anything since December. He said he was asking because apparently he’s put forward a counter offer at least 2 weeks ago. I said I would chase this up as it’s very unlike her to be so slow. So I emailed her as I knew if she was away I would get an out of office message but nothing came back. She doesn’t work Fridays so I called the Mediation office to see if H had been in touch after their request 2 weeks ago, no not a word from him. Call me paranoid but this sounds to me like a deliberate attempt by H to stop me from moving forward with my plans.
After lots of discussion with various people I refuse to let H d deter me. My life has been on hold for far to long and I will not stop what I’m doing. I really can’t be sat at the same desk in another 2 years because H still hasn’t moved forward with any kind of solid plan. Really wish this would just come to an end now.
Why on earth would you still have a joint account?
Have your own accounts and tell him nothing about your life! If you pay things out of the joint account til D, then just deposit money into it from your account in order to pay bills. You need a very clear paper trail about what is being paid and by whom. If you have ever read my story, you can be assured I am speaking truth. And you will see all the advice here be -- hide your money, take your half, do whatever you can. The MLCer will take everything, and whatever he can't take, he will use against you in court to try to get more than his share or alimony, etc.
This is coming from a woman of faith who started standing in 2014. Finances and faith are two different things. Protect the former, nurture the latter.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Why on earth would you still have a joint account?
Have your own accounts and tell him nothing about your life! If you pay things out of the joint account til D, then just deposit money into it from your account in order to pay bills. You need a very clear paper trail about what is being paid and by whom. If you have ever read my story, you can be assured I am speaking truth. And you will see all the advice here be -- hide your money, take your half, do whatever you can. The MLCer will take everything, and whatever he can't take, he will use against you in court to try to get more than his share or alimony, etc.
This is coming from a woman of faith who started standing in 2014. Finances and faith are two different things. Protect the former, nurture the latter.
Hi Gerda thank you for your reply. The reason we still have a joint account is because all the bills for my home are paid by him as I earn very little and am I entitled to no benefits even without his money . I do however have several accounts of my own and my wages go into one of them. He has zero access to my personal money or indeed the savings that he put into my name. I am very well covered and protected. Our joint account is purely his wages and both of our bills including spending money. The first thing I did after he left was make sure that I’m financially protected as best as possible. I also only tell him what I know will have to come out during the divorce, I tell him absolutely nothing else unless I absolutely need to. I do appreciate your concern and advice though. Thank you
Oh thank goodness! I made so many mistakes in that regard, I think we need a sticky here just for that, though honestly I am not sure I would have listened. I thought my H would come out of it. I still think he will someday,but I didn't realize that money is a separate issue and I didn't want to look "greedy"!!!!
I wish you hadn't told your H about the job but it sounds like you are making a good decision for you. Can you AirB a room in your house to make extra money for yourself?
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Gerda how do you manage to still find the hope H will return after all this time? Something will happen with H and I find myself starting to doubt that he could ever want to come back.
The sticky idea is good. Finances are such an important part of all this, especially if you’re a stay at home parent.
I told him as I knew D6 would tell him anyway and I figured if I said something I could prepare myself for what he might try and pull. I’m now just a little more than 3 years in and yet I’ve only just realised that he’s been pulling this game for so long. Funny how we don’t realise these things until someone points it out.
I’ve been a way for a while as nothing much has really been happening with lockdown and everything. It’s certainly proving to be an interesting experience and I have been impressed with H willingness to help with childcare and homeschooling. So far it has worked well and he’s been fairly cooperative which has been something of a relief. I had to laugh when he used lockdown as a chance to start spending his day with D at mine again rather than having her go to his. In the Uk parents who are separated are allowed to collect their children from one home and take them straight to theirs but H insisted that he felt it was to risky and he should spend the day at mine. Every time I’ve managed to get him to start spending his day with D at his he seems to soon find a reason to come back. It’s been ok having him around and we have some nice family moments but I’ve noticed something recently and it’s certainly becoming more noticeable. If we are having a fun moment with jokes and laughter either as a family or even in text messages H will happily join in but he will suddenly bolt as fast as possible and shut it down. He’ll either reply with a jokey comment one minute and then reply with something like stop now. Or he’ll try to find an excuse to leave the situation suddenly. I’m wondering if it’s to much for him to deal with or if it’s some kind of reminder that perhaps things were possible not as bad as he remembered. Either that or he’s just his usual crazy self and I’m possibly best just ignoring it.
I will say one thing for lockdown, it’s certainly been a much needed break from the craziness and stress of the D. I really did need a break from it even if it is only for a short time.
Well what can I say, we appear to actually be on the cusp of having a financial agreement signed and a D nearly complete. Just have to wait for a court to approve our agreement and then we can get the financial side signed off. It’s only taken over two years to agree on the finances lol . I’m kind of relieved as I have spent more money on this than I care to think about and I’m also a little sad as the end of my marriage is almost in sight. However I’m more than aware that H has a history of running at the 11th hour, something he would do even before MLC. So I will have to just sit and wait now which apparently could be as long as 12 weeks with the current situation and a lot can happen in MLC world in 12 weeks. I’m more shocked that we reached the final agreement through talking directly to each other and not through solicitors. I couldn’t take their nasty letters and further threats of court so I had it out with H direct and it oddly worked. He did give me the whole “ well if you just told me what you need we could have sorted this” speech. Because apparently the endless solicitor letters and hours of mediation didn’t cover what I needed. I had to really restrain myself from not laughing at this. However I’m still waiting a year on for him to give me this signed papers so that I can actually sell the house, despite sever requests. So I refuse to put the house on the market again just to have to take it off again because he won’t hand me these.
For now all I can do is sit and wait and keep my focus on finding a new job and building me and D a lovely new life. I noticed many of you like baking and gardening to help you relax and feel happy. Mine is a good Jigsaw, I do love a jigsaw.
Ah, jigsaw puzzles. They are a fun time, slowly piecing together an emerging picture. Hmmm. Kind of metaphorical of our lives.
It seems your pieces are falling into place rather nicely. You and H reaching an agreement through directly talking to one another is somewhat rare; having him see it through to actual finalization is even rarer. I hope he doesn’t do an 11th hour runaway.
I like your view of this; H’s actions and choices are out of your control. A lot could happen in 12 weeks, and almost nothing could as well. Shrug, oh well, his journey.
Your journey is proceeding well, keep moving forward. Good decision not to place the house on the market without the paperwork from H. And really well done restraining yourself after H’s speech - “well if you just told me what you need we could have sorted this”. Lol. Blasting him would have done little. May have felt good, but accomplished little. Lots of wisdom demonstrated there Fox.
I suppose you could look at this point in life as almost being completed this puzzle and getting ready to start another. Or perhaps it is just a part of the bigger grand puzzle being revealed slowly, piece by piece.
Personally, I like the single puzzle of life analogy. Ever new piece, and bit more of the whole unknown picture and future, a bit more history, a bit more experience, a bit more knowledge, and a bit more wisdom.
You and daughter are living a lovely new life. You got this!
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
So 2 and a half weeks in since I gave H the go ahead to apply for the consent order and get things finally tide up and H is now starting to act a little off. I don’t know perhaps I’m just reading into things a bit to much as you know what these Mid lifers are like, being all Nice and then stab and your down. Except I don’t see what he has to achieve from being nice now. If he’s applied for the order (only time will tell) then he’s almost got what he thinks he wants. My reason for suspicion ( and I hate to say hope. Hope that he’s moving through the tunnel again. Yep I know try to not put to much on the positive signs) is this week he’s been more observant of the dog, his dog that he’s hardly paid attention to for the last few years. He’s noticed how he’s become stiff and needs to take his walks slow. He’s taking a small interest in one of my cats and he told D right in front of me as he was leaving to look after me and give me plenty of cuddles because I deserve them. Wow is that a hint of care or is it guilt? Ummm. He then made a passing comment about not being touched but implied it was ok for me to which I didn’t really pick up on at first, not until he had left. I am very suspicious but curious as H has been firmly in his own bubble for so long. But I’m keeping my head down, staying friendly but at a distance and observing whilst keeping my guard up and trying really hard to keep my hopes at zero. This could hurt if I don’t so I’m going to keep doing me.
The behaviour of an MLCer is hard to read. They can run hot and cold, nice then angry, all being driven from their emotional path. H’s latest being nice, of course makes you suspicious. It is interesting when they start paying attention again; to people and pets they’ve ignored for years. Pets being the least hurt by their behaviour and therefore the less threatening, are the first the MLCer usually emotionally reaches out to.
Originally Posted by Foxpop
I am very suspicious but curious as H has been firmly in his own bubble for so long. But I’m keeping my head down, staying friendly but at a distance and observing whilst keeping my guard up and trying really hard to keep my hopes at zero. This could hurt if I don’t so I’m going to keep doing me.
Yes, there is a possibility for further hurt. However, you know H’s projections and justifications, his lashing out, is all about him not you. Therefore it cannot hurt you. You are stronger and wiser than you think.
Good for you to remain friendly and at a distance. Notice not “but at a distance” - wording influences us more than we realize. Friendly and distance are compatible, no need to use but. But denotes and defines the sharp contrast between incompatible items, makes things look like a either/or scenario; friendly / distance - need not be defined that way.
A word on hope as well. It is expectations you need to keep at zero. Hope, you can allow and encourage to live.
Expectation is hope with a timeframe, with a deadline. Expectations have a time component which can expire and therefore becomes unmet. Expectations also have a more realistic possibility, as in they are much more likely to be probably. Unmet expectations breeds resentment, which erodes at us.
The other end of the spectrum is wishes. These are hopes that are far more fantasy based. Unrealistic and unlikely to come to fruition. As in, I really wish I win the lottery.
This is the spectrum of hope/desire. Expectations to wishes, realistic to fanciful. Hopes lay in the middle, with no timeframe, and embraces the possibilities. Hope lives within the possibilities.
To keep expectations to zero, remove the timeframe. It’s ok to hope.
Continue moving forward and doing you, focusing on you. H might be looking about and noticing some stuff; and I do hope so. However, as you wisely know, that doesn’t alter your course.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Well I have heard from my solicitor and H has confirmed our agreement and the papers are ready for my approval so that H can send them to court. He's moving the D on all though slowly but we are not there yet and anything could still happen I suppose. I'm surprised that people think I should be relieved that H is moving forward with the D almost like it's the best thing that could be happening to me, yes I want the stress over with but I'm not exactly doing cartwheels over the end of my marriage. I have had almost 4 years to look back on our M and I have even been over it with my ic and even now I can say hand on heart that our m was genuinely good, despite what H said.
Anyway today H has shown a little bit more of the Mlc crazy. He has been using our streaming account ever since he left but in Feb he removed his wages from our joint account (his way of punishing me for having a long weekend away whilst leaving him to look after our D ) leaving me to pay for it. So when he accidentally logged himself out and couldn't sign back in, because I changed the password, he actually couldn't believe that I wouldn't let him have the details to log back in. He was actually surprised and couldn't understand why I wouldn't want my SXH using an account that I pay for. Sometimes I really do despair .It's crazy moments like this that remind me he is in crisis and that this is not because of me or our marriage.
That happened to me with so many things but your post made me remember our YMCA membership. I kept him on there for five years after BD though he was AWOL and MIA and all that and though he never gave me a penny towards household or kids and regularly stole money. I thought, well, we are still a family and I should cover the family membership in case he wants to go with the kids sometime and so he doesn't feel I am kicking him out. Looking back that is so INSANE that I thought that way. But finally I told him I couldn't afford it anymore (this was while he was living with us and refusing to move out though he was divorcing me) and took him off so I could save the $75 a month. He went crazy, saying this was proof of what a terrible wife I was and was the very reason he could never be with me.
When you look back on it all, you really can't believe what you thought you had to navigate. I was watching AOC's speech yesterday and wondered how that young girl can think that clearly about respect and dignity when Gerda in her 40's got so confused.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
When you look back on it all, you really can't believe what you thought you had to navigate. I was watching AOC's speech yesterday and wondered how that young girl can think that clearly about respect and dignity when Gerda in her 40's got so confused.
Gerda I know that feeling very well.
H's behaviour seems to be getting slightly strange lately, I can only assume he's moving through the tunnel and the confusion is from the movement of going from one phase to another. If not he's possibly going a little mad. The last couple of weeks including the incident with my streaming service I have discovered that he has been blatantly abusing his sisters trust and using her subscription service without her permission and he's 'accidentally', done something else that Is clearly classed as theft but I'm so ashamed I can't go into another details other than he said it was by accident but seemed to think it was funny. H has never done such a thing and if he had he would have always been to worried about Karma. Back to questioning who this man is.
Feeling quite up beat today thanks to a conversation with my Solicitor to sort out the final papers for the financial order. It would appear H has made a few unexpected yet positive changers to the order so although he's still determined to keep most of the money he has decided to give me my spousal maintenance now and not after the house sells. This will be one massive financial help to me and will relieve so much stress and worry as he legally doesn't have to pay me this until it's sold. I was expecting to discover that this would be instead of the money from the savings but apparently he's still willing to give me that to. And finally he has withdrawn any claim on the contents of the house and Is allowing me to keep everything or sell what I don't want. Wow! this is a far cry from a year ago when he wanted to leave me with nothing. He knows I'm struggling finically but didn't appear to care but perhaps he has a conscience after all. He's also agreed to take over paying the insurance for his dog and so I gave him all the info but he's now insisting that we sit down together so he can show me what he has found and we can decide together. Needless to say I'm a little shocked by this sudden change in attitude. I can't help but think it will be followed by a big knife in the back as in previous encounters with H. He's also going away soon and for the first time in 3 years he's not going alone he's going away with his sister . He's told D to be a good girl for her mummy and to look after me which seems to be becoming a running theme with H .
So much strangeness in the space of less than a week it's hard to get my head around as it feels like after a long time of slow movement things are not just happening again but the movement is becoming fairly rapid. I just hope that all this sudden activity isn't going to bring me more misery.
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