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A Message from Michele
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Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865052
09/11/19 10:01 PM
09/11/19 10:01 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Neffer I just read your situation. Thanks for sharing. There is one thing that really stands out that you said and it was your search for freedom. That you wanted to be free. That is exactly where my w is at. She just wants her freedom, she doesn’t want to be mom (even thought she pretends in front of people) and she certainly does not want to be a wife. Something really funny just happened. I had my kids at the playground with their friends. My w went over to my d and her 12 year old friends to tell her about her day. I’m sorry I find that a little odd. There is so much I read about MLC and how they become like teenagers, well there she was hanging with them for about 20 minutes telling them about her day. She is definitely going through something and only she can get through it. I will keep working hard to focus on myself and GAL. I’m sorry I can’t help but notice some of her behaviors. Thanks for sharing neffer definitely learned some new insight. You also mentioned you w did not put in the work. What could she have done to help the situation?


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865070
09/12/19 12:33 AM
09/12/19 12:33 AM
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IHCLACS Online
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I'm curious Wolf. In what context was your W telling a bunch of 12 yr old about her day? If you don't mind sharing?

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: IHCLACS] #2865085
09/12/19 03:09 AM
09/12/19 03:09 AM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by IHCLACS
I'm curious Wolf. In what context was your W telling a bunch of 12 yr old about her day? If you don't mind sharing?

She is a teacher and a bad area. She was telling them stories about the kids and what they were doing in class and how she handled them. Some of the dumb things they were saying and how they couldn’t answer questions.
Why by the way?


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865098
09/12/19 10:29 AM
09/12/19 10:29 AM
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I was just curious if she was dumping her day work issues on a bunch of 12 yr old voluntarily, or if it was more in the context of just generally telling them about her day? I guess she needed to vent/share her frustrations, but I can see your view on how it would be awkward to he sharing your work issues with 12yr old kids.

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: IHCLACS] #2865109
09/12/19 01:04 PM
09/12/19 01:04 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by IHCLACS
I was just curious if she was dumping her day work issues on a bunch of 12 yr old voluntarily, or if it was more in the context of just generally telling them about her day? I guess she needed to vent/share her frustrations, but I can see your view on how it would be awkward to he sharing your work issues with 12yr old kids.


Not sure I didn’t hear the whole conversation, I was playing basketball with my son about 50yards away.


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865124
09/12/19 04:08 PM
09/12/19 04:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
But does it say they ever realize what they are doing in the book. Do they ever “come back” to their normal self? My friends daughter drowning triggered something in my wife, I wonder if she will ever realize what she is doing?


They realize what they are doing when they are doing it, they just don't know WHY they are doing it. Some unseen force is driving them. They don't "come back" to their normal self because they are never "not" their normal self. They are doing things that are out of character for them, but they are still who they were at the same time. A teen will sneak their parents' car keys, go joy riding, wreck the car, bring the keys back and put them where they found them. When confronted they will deny and say the car must have been stolen. When finally presented with irrefutable evidence they will sheepishly admit they did it. When asked why they will always say "I don't know", and the point of the book is to explain that indeed, they really don't know why and to help parents contend with the fact that something is going on in their body and mind, a chemical change or something, that is driving them to do things that are not normal for them. I really think this happens in a lot of WAS situations too. There's a reason most WAS's are in the "midlife crisis" age range.

By the way, the above example of the teen taking the keys and wrecking the car is an actual example that happened in my family.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865139
09/12/19 06:13 PM
09/12/19 06:13 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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I have a question. I have been reading 5 love langueages and man does it explain a lot. I definitely messed up my wife’s love language. I was wondering, can I give her a copy? 2 reasons why; 1 Maybe she would see I was trying I got her love language wrong. 2 it talks about not being in love anymore but love is a choice and it can come back if we fill a person’s “love tank”. I don’t know, it might be a stretch. I really wish I read this book a long time ago. I know now spending time and words of affirmation is her 2 love languages. Not buying gifts and doing things. Sad how I screwed that up!!


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865142
09/12/19 06:28 PM
09/12/19 06:28 PM
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LH19 Online
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You can give her a copy but it won’t change anything and just set you back further.

You’re trying logic and reason again.

I am going to go out on a limb and guess that she didn’t fill up your love tank either.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865144
09/12/19 06:37 PM
09/12/19 06:37 PM
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LH19 Online
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W,

My ex’s father cheated when my ex was 13-14 and moved out for 3 months. She cried a few times during our relationship when talking about it and how it was the worst 3 months of her life. Now logic and reason would say that she would never put her kids through the same thing she went through. Now logic and reason would say she saw her parents go through a difficult time and they were able to work through it stay married.

You have to throw logic and reason out the window.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865149
09/12/19 07:15 PM
09/12/19 07:15 PM
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Ready2Change Offline
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
I was wondering, can I give her a copy?
No.


Quote
if we fill a person’s “love tank”.... I know now spending time and words of affirmation is her 2 love languages.
Right now, just fill her love bucket with words of affirmation in a non-needy way.


Read coaches words here again:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846984


Use your logic and reasoning to make changes in your behavior that will make her think of you differently. Her thoughts will then make her feel differently about you.


Remember that everything that works is counter intuitive.

Look here for "Counter intuitive ways to attract":
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094

It is much higher in my recommendations than T5LL (which I still believe is a must read as well).


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
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