CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


A Divorce Busting Telephone Coach
can help you save your marriage singlehandedly!
CALL 303-444-7004
or see Coaching Packages online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Re: Hitting my Stride Part 1 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2865029
09/11/19 08:27 PM
09/11/19 08:27 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,557
Midwest
D
DonH Offline
Member
DonH  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,557
Midwest
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
It's just as you move forward in the R, especially at our age, eventually there is a decision that will be made.


Hmmmmmmm - really? Because I think it's the opposite. When you are or we were in our 20s or 30s, yes, for sure the expectation would be moving toward marriage and having kids. But at "our age" kids are likely off the table. For many, so is marriage. Not to say people don't live together, etc. but if anything the expectation for people in their later 40s, in their 50s, for certain 60s, 70s, and 80s marriage is just not as typical or nearly as expected. Or is that just my mindset?

Beyond that, 8 months really is pretty short. Even for those marriage-minded people in their 20s and 30s, less than a year before getting engaged is not as typical.

I'll, confess, you're situation would scare the bejesus out of me. But that's because I don't want to get married - yet if I was dating someone who I was told or I felt that I am the luckiest man alive and would be a fool to say no to, what do I do then? I don't want to lose her but I also don't want to marry her. Then again, I was sort of told this by people about my ex W before we got married. She's the best thing, and I'd be a fool if I let her go, blah, blah, blah - that is until we got divorced and the same people then told me they knew it wouldn't last and wondered why I married her in the first place!!! Yeah, no kidding - they wanted to have it both ways - and kinda did!

You've also not been divorced that long and this really is your only serious R post D. I'm not at all suggesting you look for something better - you may be the luckiest guy. I just think you'll have a better confirmation of that at 18 months versus 8. And remember, her son is part of the deal.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Hitting my Stride Part 1 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2865097
09/12/19 09:51 AM
09/12/19 09:51 AM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,985
T
TBSakaJ9 Online OP
Member
TBSakaJ9  Online OP
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,985
I guess what I mean is that our age most people know what they want and dont waste time messing around. I agree 8 months is a very short time and after coming out of a D even shorter considering all the pain that was involved.

I agree 1.5 to the 2 year mark is a better time frame. I think I dated my Xw for almost 2 years before I proposed and another year before we got married.

And yes, they are a package deal.....along with her 73 old mother that lives in town and her 50 yr old sister that comes to town and stays with her once a month for a weekend. As a doctor they also rely on her for a lot of support as well, more emotional than financial but as they age she will become the caretaker of the family.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Hitting my Stride Part 1 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2865178
09/12/19 10:53 PM
09/12/19 10:53 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,894
K
kml Offline
Member
kml  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,894
Just read this on FB and thought it was a good way to view the doctor's son's behavior:

"Every time you think of calling a kid "attention-seeking" this year, consider changing it to "connection-seeking" and see how your perspective changes.

Re: Hitting my Stride Part 1 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2865206
09/13/19 01:46 AM
09/13/19 01:46 AM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,695
J
JujuB Offline
Member
JujuB  Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,695
KML - that post made me teary eyed. Very, very true.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Hitting my Stride Part 1 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2865218
09/13/19 11:07 AM
09/13/19 11:07 AM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,985
T
TBSakaJ9 Online OP
Member
TBSakaJ9  Online OP
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,985
Yes, I agree. Very cool. Thanks for sharing and I can really see that in him. He has no Male that is consistently in his life to model behavior after.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Hitting my Stride Part 1 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2865231
09/13/19 02:20 PM
09/13/19 02:20 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,658
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline
Member
AndrewP  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,658
Canada
kml - as always - raises a good point. I recall with B's GS3 that he would also be very attention seeking and get quite wound up and aggressive. What worked with him was making him the centre of attention for a while, usually holding him on my lap and rubbing his back (something B taught me). Yelling or other disciplinary measures were counter productive.

B's opinion was that he was acting out because he had had so little stability in his life and was so used to people being temporary that he acted the way he did as a result. Over the months he certainly calmed down a lot and I recall in the last few times I spent time with him he would ask me out of the blue quite regularly if I loved him. Not being able to prove to him that people do care and do stick around is certainly one of my bigger regrets on that relationship ending.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Hitting my Stride Part 1 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2865274
09/13/19 07:40 PM
09/13/19 07:40 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,054
D
Dawn70 Offline
Member
Dawn70  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,054
Totally agree with kml. Sadly, I have to remind myself of this often since I deal with "kids". Granted, I'm not dealing with little kids like the dr's son, but I think we are quick to judge all ages of kids based on specific moments in time or specific actions and we kind of forget to take a step back and look at the big picture. I have no doubt, if you and the dr do go all in, you would be a wonderful role model for her son. And, I also have no doubt that he would settle in and not be so....rambunctious? annoying? bratty? spoiled? (Not really sure what word to use here and don't want to be offensive.) Based on all the things you have said, I think the kid is already trying to test your boundaries. He's the little king, being doted on by all the women in his life and now here comes this dude, taking away some of the attention that he gets from the main one doting on him.

I'm just glad to see that you finally have a woman who is exactly what some of us ladies told you was possible. We all said there were good, strong, caring, attractive, loving, loyal women who weren't game players and while I think you (and most of the other men on the board) were pretty skeptical, you have found EXACTLY what we said all along absolutely did exist. I'm really glad for you and for her.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Hitting my Stride Part 1 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2865454
09/16/19 10:59 AM
09/16/19 10:59 AM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,985
T
TBSakaJ9 Online OP
Member
TBSakaJ9  Online OP
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,985
Thanks D, yes she is all of those things....including arrogant, it comes out more when she is drinking. Dont get me wrong, she all of those positive qualities however she is very proud to be a dr. Truthfully she doesn't need a man for anything other than the fact that she doesnt want to be alone but I can see a weak, needy man wouldnt stand a chance. Many times she has commented to me about how in her marriage she earned the money, I dont think she approached it as they were a team. She had also commented how she was not a good wife either. I know what she values in me however if we were ever to move forward in marriage she would have to not hold money over my head. I have no issues having prenups, separate accounts, etc. But she couldnt hold it over my head.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Page 5 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004