CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


A Divorce Busting Telephone Coach
can help you save your marriage singlehandedly!
CALL 303-444-7004
or see Coaching Packages online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Re: 4 months in....(Re: Advice needed) [Re: Kirsty84] #2864973
09/11/19 01:47 PM
09/11/19 01:47 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,662
P
peacetoday Offline
Member
peacetoday  Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,662
K,

You did ok- its hard to deal with this type of crazy

and Truthfully, I dont think it matters-

They will leave no matter what we do-if that is in their mind

They will push the envelope so far until they get a reaction-
they will take NO responsibilty for their part, of anything
He is escalating and will find a way to justify his actions and make it about you anyway-


I think what matters more at this time is you and your kids
What do you need to do to take care of things when/if he leaves
Do you have a plan, so he cant walk over you

No matter what they say about taking care of you and the kids, once they leave there commitment shifts to their new life
I agree with KML..The new lifestyle with OW will grow old and her kids will be in a worse off position living with them

I would protect the kids first with legal help/counseling to deal with their pain and confusion- until they adjust
and they will adjust as long as you remain solid-

Im sorry for your pain--
hang in there


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: 4 months in....(Re: Advice needed) [Re: Kirsty84] #2864987
09/11/19 04:20 PM
09/11/19 04:20 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,894
K
kml Offline
Member
kml  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,894
You didn't "blow it" by setting firm boundaries. The car is in your name, of course he's not taking it. Take the keys away from him if you have to. He's working, let him buy his own car.

If you have any joint financial accounts, take half the money out and put it in your own private accounts.

You need to step back a bit and take off your rose-colored glasses. I know you love him and he's the father of your children, but he's abusive, disrespectful and probably a narcissist. You've been putting up with way too much for way too long. You may not even be able to see how abnormal this relationship is until you have some space from it, or are in a new relationship with someone who treats you with respect. I know that was true for me.

Good for you, btw, for starting your own successful business. Keep the focus on that and on providing stability and joy for your children. Nurture your friendships and family relationships.

And even though you're not married, consult a lawyer to find out your rights!!!!

Re: 4 months in....(Re: Advice needed) [Re: Kirsty84] #2864989
09/11/19 04:29 PM
09/11/19 04:29 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 24
S
Sunset3 Offline
New Member
Sunset3  Offline
New Member
S
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 24
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It truly is awful.

It will be so much better once he leaves. H was only at home for a few weeks after BD, and it was horrible. I was sad when he left, but that quickly turned to relief. The space will do wonders for your mental health. And honestly, if he is with OW, he already left in his mind. He's a jerk for trying to make you do the 'pick me' dance.

Good job on keeping quiet about the OW! It is hard having to keep your intel a secret, but it is smarter for the long run. I'm in the same situation, it is furiating to see him looking all smug and knowing he thinks I'm stupid. Do you have some close friends and family members that you can confide in?

As far as legalities of him moving out -

If the car is in your name, it should be yours, even in a community property state. (both of our cars are in H's name) Especially if you aren't married, it is yours. You could call and report it stolen if he takes it without your permission. If you need proof of adultery for legal reasons, you are allowed to put a GPS tracker on the car if it is yours (confirm with a L).

Talk to a L about child custody and be careful about setting precedent. Keep the kids at home with you until you get legal counsel. I let H take the kids overnight, and now my L says I probably can't take away overnights because I already let him do it (grrrr). I regret letting H bully me into a schedule before I talked to a L. Make a formal schedule and stick to it. Pick a schedule you like, he's the one that moved out. Research standard schedules where you live. Let him see what a divorce will look like. If he doesn't want to be with you, he needs to experience not being with the kids 50%+ of the time. That's divorce life. Don't sugar coat it for him. He is firing you as his spouse - it is no longer your concern if he is happy or not. Do what is best for you and the kids.

Whose name(s) is your house under? Talk to your L about not letting him back in the house after he moves out.

Is there legal separation where you are? Taking legal action seems like you are giving up on the marriage, but you have to protect yourself. My H moved his paychecks to a separate account and drained the joint account after declaring that he wasn't going to financially screw us over. Trust nothing that they say. They are selfish liars and you need to take care of yourself and your kids.

The situation is a nightmare, every day you get through it is a success! Be proud of yourself! You are awesome!


Me 33, H 34, T 12, M 9
S2, Baby d
BD May 2019, OW Confirmed June 2019
H Moved Out & Filed D July 2019
Re: 4 months in....(Re: Advice needed) [Re: Kirsty84] #2864996
09/11/19 05:00 PM
09/11/19 05:00 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 81
K
Kirsty84 Offline OP
Member
Kirsty84  Offline OP
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 81
All Your support keeps gets me through each day,

H is moving out tonight. Because I have said I will keep the car he apparently canít get to work easily unless he moves in closer with his ďfriendĒ. He has justified over and over that this is his only option.

Whether this is ow or his friend I donít know. I think it will be telling the kids that breaks my heart most. He also asked if He can come back on Friday night while I go out with work on a night out!

He has said that he needs to be away from here to see if he misses me etc or if there is anything left worth fighting for. He said that he loves me but there is no spark, he canít breathe in this house, feels trapped etc. Oh and also he doesnít like to watch the same things as me on Netflix.

I was going to buy the house we rent. His name is still on the tenancy so he will need to remove it himself before Incan do anything. In terms of money we have separate accounts but I have most things in place. I can do the child payments legally or just directly from him. While I think the first month he will pay up its the months after that I think I may have to do it legally.

We havenít discussed splitting anything as he said he doesnít know how long this will be for.

He actually seems in high spirits about going which is sad.

Worst nightmare Iíve ever experienced.

K

Re: 4 months in....(Re: Advice needed) [Re: Kirsty84] #2865014
09/11/19 06:26 PM
09/11/19 06:26 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,894
K
kml Offline
Member
kml  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,894
Yeah they have a high about changing their circumstances. It's like a wolf in a trap biting off their own leg to get free. He's convinced his unhappiness will end with the move - he doesn't realize that it will just move with him, but he won't be able to blame you for it any more.

This is not about you.

Btw why can't he buy his own car? Get him to take his name off the tenancy as soon as you can; you can always add it back later if he makes a miraculous turnaround, but if you delay getting it done, he might refuse to do it later just to spite you. Strike now while he's happy about leaving (or pretending to be).

Re: 4 months in....(Re: Advice needed) [Re: Kirsty84] #2865019
09/11/19 07:26 PM
09/11/19 07:26 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 81
K
Kirsty84 Offline OP
Member
Kirsty84  Offline OP
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 81
Heís gone and it is to a friend I know who has picked him up.

He broke down as he was leaving and said ďI love youĒ as he went out the door.

He has agreed to buy his own car now. He was almost begging me to beg him to stay through his tears.

I shed a few tears but didnít break down until now.

Thanks all

K

Re: 4 months in....(Re: Advice needed) [Re: Kirsty84] #2865036
09/11/19 09:03 PM
09/11/19 09:03 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,894
K
kml Offline
Member
kml  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,894
Just remember - he loves you but NOT ENOUGH TO STOP HIS FREAKIN' AFFAIR!!!!

If he says it to you again, it's okay to reply: "Apparently not enough to stop your affair and get counseling."

Right now he loves the "drug" more than his family. Like an addict, he'll try to have both, but you need to stand firm. You're more than happy to go to couples counseling IF he gives up the OW.

I suspect, though, that by the time he comes to being willing to do all that, you'll have realized how nice it is not to be with an abusive spouse.

Re: 4 months in....(Re: Advice needed) [Re: Kirsty84] #2865090
09/12/19 05:48 AM
09/12/19 05:48 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 81
K
Kirsty84 Offline OP
Member
Kirsty84  Offline OP
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 81
Thanks kml you are right.

I feel awful today and hope I now get stronger each day.

I suppose Iím wondering what now? His parting words were ď let me know when you are ready to talkĒ which actually I think should be the other way round.

I plan on NC unless itís regarding the kids. I think In his mind he thinks he can come round when he feels like it which wonít be the case.

Feeling lost now with it all and a way forward.

K

Re: 4 months in....(Re: Advice needed) [Re: Kirsty84] #2865091
09/12/19 06:37 AM
09/12/19 06:37 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 196
United Kingdom
Y
Yorkie Offline
Member
Yorkie  Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 196
United Kingdom
"he doesn't know how long it'll be for" Well it will be as long as YOU determine, not him. He thinks this is within his power - ie K will just accept me back if I decide to. He thinks he is IT.

It's your job to show him/yourself/ the world that you will not sit around waiting for him. That's for you and your strength.

Either it will be permanent or YOU will decide that he has done the required work, dropped OW and shows true commitment to the M.

Tell him if he's coming round to see the kids that he lets you know in advance as you have things that you will do whilst he takes care of the kids. Even if you get in the car and sit in a car park. Get dressed up to go and sit in the carpark though!

There is no need for any 'talk' - the cards are on the table from both parties. You both have things to do; he has to grow up and you have to recognise how strong and great you are and that you don't need an abuser in your life.

Time to be a bit selfish Kirsty. The way forward is to concentrate on you. it will be easier now he's not in the house. I know that's a rubbish thing to go through, but I think it's better for the LBS mental health.

Re: 4 months in....(Re: Advice needed) [Re: Kirsty84] #2865096
09/12/19 08:33 AM
09/12/19 08:33 AM
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 515
Wales
W
Westo Offline
Member
Westo  Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 515
Wales
I agree with everything Yorkie says.

And kml is correct in saying you are in an abusive relationship. You will see this in time, and it wonít be long either.

I found that NC was much better than I expected. It gave me peace, it was detachment I found difficult.

You are doing brilliantly and I honestly think (given time) that you will wonder if this abusive narcissistic is actually worth fighting for.......

Page 8 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004