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A Message from Michele
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Re: Has H run away?: Standing & Wondering [Re: CanBird] #2864849
09/10/19 02:18 PM
09/10/19 02:18 PM
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peacetoday Offline
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Usually you will hear something or through the grapevine when they disapear

you may just have to be patient for now

My xh left right after our D
He remarried immediately and that why he probably filed and went thru with the D
He has called me once in 10 years only leaving a VM saying he messed up and wanted me to tell his old friends to call him and left a number
His sisters have not heard from him in years

MY XH was heavily back into alcohol/prescriptions
he was once a sober man

eventually I believe you will get something
it may be served but you will get some information


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Dreams. Missing H, wanting to reach out [Re: CanBird] #2865022
09/11/19 07:34 PM
09/11/19 07:34 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 147
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CanBird Offline OP
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CanBird  Offline OP
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Had an intense dream last night. Missing H. It wasn't even a happy dream. It wasn't even him. Lol..

It's the half way mark in his season/work (if he's still at sea), and I'm really missing him. I want to talk to him SO badly. I have not reach out regarding our R once since he's been at sea/work. He has bothered with me or D3. Now that I'm reading what I just wrote, I feel like why would I reach out? His 2nd BD in June via phone call, he said "I don't want to come home. I don't want to be married." So I haven't bothered him.

Do I leave him be? He got a letter from me in March/April after 1st BD; "I want us to work, but I'll give you space." Is that enough?

Long distance MLC [censored].


Never Give Up

BD: March 2019
H away: April-? Oct/Nov (at sea/work very remote)
BD: June
Re: Has H run away?: Standing & Wondering [Re: peacetoday] #2865093
09/12/19 07:31 AM
09/12/19 07:31 AM
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Posts: 147
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CanBird Offline OP
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Originally Posted by peacetoday
Usually you will hear something or through the grapevine when they disapear

you may just have to be patient for now

My xh left right after our D
He remarried immediately and that why he probably filed and went thru with the D
He has called me once in 10 years only leaving a VM saying he messed up and wanted me to tell his old friends to call him and left a number
His sisters have not heard from him in years

MY XH was heavily back into alcohol/prescriptions
he was once a sober man

eventually I believe you will get something
it may be served but you will get some information


Thank you Peace for your reply. I hope H will reach out to his Dad. At least he has during this.


Never Give Up

BD: March 2019
H away: April-? Oct/Nov (at sea/work very remote)
BD: June
We & House Still Standing. H unknown worried [Re: CanBird] #2865094
09/12/19 07:37 AM
09/12/19 07:37 AM
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CanBird Offline OP
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No mail or new bank transactions. I'm worried. Not about money, but not knowing if H has dropped of the boat, literally. I have to have patience, I know. I really care for this person, this man, so much so I'm not doing anything to see if he's okay. Feels so wrong. Am I jumping the gun? Worried for no reason? Patience patience right?

Renos are coming along. Might be completed this weekend.


Never Give Up

BD: March 2019
H away: April-? Oct/Nov (at sea/work very remote)
BD: June
Re: We & House Still Standing. H unknown worried [Re: CanBird] #2865101
09/12/19 11:54 AM
09/12/19 11:54 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,421
Southern Maryland
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CanBird,

I, too, wasn't able to see some of the recent postings on your thread and contacted the Administrator about the issue. I see that all of the latest postings are now out there for us to see.

Now, about him disappearing off the face of the earth. It's normal for some of them. Right now, he is focusing on himself and his job. He's off in another world and you aren't part of it. When in depression, it is very hard for them to focus and concentrate on things, therefore, they have to focus on things in bits and pieces. He knows that you are capable of taking care of things.

There is nothing to worry about. Just keep an eye on the bank transactions. Dig deeper for patience and allow him to contact you when he's ready.

Glad to read that the renos are coming along nicely.

Nothing New: Standing Here [Re: CanBird] #2865306
09/14/19 09:56 AM
09/14/19 09:56 AM
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Nothing new. Guess thats good? A friend is visiting, staying with us for 2wks. Nothing else to report.


Never Give Up

BD: March 2019
H away: April-? Oct/Nov (at sea/work very remote)
BD: June
Re: Nothing New: Standing Here [Re: CanBird] #2865308
09/14/19 11:43 AM
09/14/19 11:43 AM
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enjoy your friend

something will turn up eventually..or you will make the choices to free yourself when the time comes
this is not the way to live a marriage out-but we give them a free ride for a while to see if they can turn around

unfortunately, for most --it seems that once entered into MLC...it is a long road
few spouses can really wait it out

none of it is your fault..you are doing all you can..detach and let go
read about recovery and detachment in Melodie Beatties books and find recovery for you if you feel you need to work on your past as well-

because at the end, there is no guarantee and many will never do the work needed to step up

I know you probably concerned about his well being, but these guys get caught up with the wrong people and sometimes become addicted and make poor decisions

MY XH is a vanisher, and once he chose to leave, he never really returned in any form
he left 2 kids now grown behind..his children

you sound young
and my best advise to you would be to heal through therapy and move forward
life is short
and when your H shows up and eventually he will because he is still M
if he is ready to man up and do what it takes to recover and be in relationship
you can then choose if this man/lifestyle is what you want to pursue


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: Nothing New: Standing Here [Re: peacetoday] #2865357
09/15/19 07:58 AM
09/15/19 07:58 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 147
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CanBird Offline OP
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CanBird  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by peacetoday
enjoy your friend

something will turn up eventually..or you will make the choices to free yourself when the time comes
this is not the way to live a marriage out-but we give them a free ride for a while to see if they can turn around

unfortunately, for most --it seems that once entered into MLC...it is a long road
few spouses can really wait it out

none of it is your fault..you are doing all you can..detach and let go
read about recovery and detachment in Melodie Beatties books and find recovery for you if you feel you need to work on your past as well-

because at the end, there is no guarantee and many will never do the work needed to step up

I know you probably concerned about his well being, but these guys get caught up with the wrong people and sometimes become addicted and make poor decisions

MY XH is a vanisher, and once he chose to leave, he never really returned in any form
he left 2 kids now grown behind..his children

you sound young
and my best advise to you would be to heal through therapy and move forward
life is short
and when your H shows up and eventually he will because he is still M
if he is ready to man up and do what it takes to recover and be in relationship
you can then choose if this man/lifestyle is what you want to pursue


Thank you Peace. I read about recovery and detachment quotes/articles by Melodie Beatties. Really gave me a different prospective on what it means to detach.

I don't want to let go, but I understand I need to step aside. It's interesting how words can affect us. Just by reading different versions of the same message, I feel a bit more comfortable in coping with things. More reading on the subject might be the key to helping me be stronger throughout the unknown.


Never Give Up

BD: March 2019
H away: April-? Oct/Nov (at sea/work very remote)
BD: June
Re: Nothing New: Standing Here [Re: CanBird] #2865369
09/15/19 02:00 PM
09/15/19 02:00 PM
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Posts: 3,662
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peacetoday Offline
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Can

IM glad you are finding some other ways to cope and step aside

Alanon...may also be helpful

the book courage to change also has many pages on detachment, letting go, acceptance, grief and change

good luck fellow traveler-


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
What Would you Do? [Re: CanBird] #2865610
09/17/19 06:04 PM
09/17/19 06:04 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 147
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CanBird Offline OP
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Recap: H has been at sea/work since April. MLC aside, everything the same (mostly) but this.

It's been almost a month since H last automatic deposit from work was made. And the was only for 48 hrs.

My stomach is in knots. What is going on!?!

Do I ask him? What would I say? "Has something changed at work? Just wanted to let to you know Haven't seen anything from your employer."

As requested, I open his mail, and scan important items, including pay stubs, incase something needs to get corrected.

So many emotions going on here.

D3 and I are getting by for now, but I wanted to know what's going on.

I'm sure this is just what the MLC spouse does, the unexpected.

Give me strength to let him be and let him find his way.


Never Give Up

BD: March 2019
H away: April-? Oct/Nov (at sea/work very remote)
BD: June
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