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A Message from Michele
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Re: Last resort technique? [Re: LH19] #2864929
09/11/19 02:21 AM
09/11/19 02:21 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
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DBX80 Offline OP
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DBX80  Offline OP
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OK, I understand what you’re saying. It’s just confusing because, for example, today she came over to have dinner with me. If you “intensely dislike someone” as DS9 put it, do you go to their house to have dinner with them and talk for 2 hours? Remember that she is staying in a hotel and really has no need to come by the house except to see the dogs every couple of days. So the fact that she chooses to come over for dinner and conversation with me suggests that she does not “intensely dislike” me. Am I wrong?

BTW, I always try to keep the conversations light and pressure-free. I don’t mention the relationship unless she brings it up first.

Re: Last resort technique? [Re: DBX80] #2864939
09/11/19 04:57 AM
09/11/19 04:57 AM
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Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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Missouruh
She might have just come over for dinner b/c OM couldn't entertain her and she's tired of feeling shacked up in a hotel room without fresh food.

Decline the next invitation or prepare to start being there for her when she is clearly not there for you. Do you think she would find that attractive? Do you think people want the things that they already have and know they can have whenver they want?


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: Last resort technique? [Re: DBX80] #2864984
09/11/19 03:11 PM
09/11/19 03:11 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
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neffer Offline
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Keep reading, keep posting Dbx.

Remember "believe nothing that they say and half of what they do".

Part of the rules are counterintuitive. Trust them. You can´t compite with OM and she´s gonna read
you are still trying to control her. Give her time and space as requested. You are gonna need them too.

Keep studying DB. It takes time. Be patient.


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Last resort technique? [Re: ovrrnbw] #2864994
09/11/19 04:57 PM
09/11/19 04:57 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 35
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DBX80 Offline OP
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Thanks for the input ovrrnbw and neffer. Lately, she has been coming over for dinner pretty consistently almost every night. What am I supposed to do? I can't just leave my house every time she shows up. Am I supposed to go hide in the bedroom while she's in the kitchen eating her dinner? That doesn't seem like an attractive thing to do. Help?

Re: Last resort technique? [Re: DBX80] #2864999
09/11/19 05:03 PM
09/11/19 05:03 PM
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LH19 Offline
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How about some boundaries on when she can and cannot come over? How about having other plans?


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Last resort technique? [Re: LH19] #2865005
09/11/19 05:29 PM
09/11/19 05:29 PM
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DBX80 Offline OP
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Hi LH19. I'm not sure I'm in a position to set boundaries regarding access to the house, as we both own the house 50/50. As far as "having other plans", I can certainly do that once or twice a week, but what about the other 5 days? I guess I'm just getting stuck on the practical aspects of being "scarce" in my own home.

Last edited by Dbx80; 09/11/19 05:29 PM.
Re: Last resort technique? [Re: DBX80] #2865009
09/11/19 05:54 PM
09/11/19 05:54 PM
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LH19 Offline
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Well you can go cut the grass, go for a walk, go to the gym, work on a project etc.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Last resort technique? [Re: DBX80] #2865012
09/11/19 06:08 PM
09/11/19 06:08 PM
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neffer Offline
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What LH says. GAL, GAL, GAL.

GAL!


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Last resort technique? [Re: DBX80] #2865015
09/11/19 06:51 PM
09/11/19 06:51 PM
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Posts: 186
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crdcheck Online
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DBX, I was in a similar sitch. W was staying in another room of the house, absolutely certain she was going to divorce me, but was happy to make dinner for the two of us, watch TV together, I cleaned up. No arguments, no anger. Maybe not as many conversations as you. Two questions I had to answer were: 1) is she being my lover and partner, or is she being a friend? 2) what do I want?

For me, this was absolute friendzone, maybe a bit of her using me, too (we also maintained the illusion of family for our daughter, giving W more time and more control over the relationship). As to the second question, I want a wife, not a friend. So, I stopped being her friend. It's been a challenge to balance because I naturally like people and want to be around them. I had to force myself to limit myself to being cordial, not sharing too much. What I'll tell you specifically is that you need to GAL and do 180s. Go ahead and make dinner, but bring it to a friend's house. Or make it for yourself, not her. Eat early, eat late, whatever, but you aren't her cook. Maybe have people over. Whatever it is, do what you enjoy, and do new things.

Final thought: if you keep doing what you've always done, you can't expect a different result. Whatever narrative your W has for you, you are confirming it every time you do what you've done before. I can't tell you what the right answer is but I can tell you the wrong one: doing what you've done before.


M(35), W(35), D(4)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
W moved out Aug 13
In mediation with intent to dissolve as soon as possible
Re: Last resort technique? [Re: DBX80] #2865020
09/11/19 07:33 PM
09/11/19 07:33 PM
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Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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Missouruh
Originally Posted by Dbx80
Thanks for the input ovrrnbw and neffer. Lately, she has been coming over for dinner pretty consistently almost every night. What am I supposed to do? I can't just leave my house every time she shows up. Am I supposed to go hide in the bedroom while she's in the kitchen eating her dinner? That doesn't seem like an attractive thing to do. Help?

Well you certainly could.

But you shouldn't be there when she shows up. You should be out doing something. And not every time but often.


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
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