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A Message from Michele
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Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864907
09/10/19 10:20 PM
09/10/19 10:20 PM
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DejaVu6 Offline
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DejaVu6  Offline
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While your decision making back then definitely seems a bit questionable (the wanting him to sleep with other women so his number is higher part), I didn't see anything that is unforgiveable. You made some mistakes. You owned up to it. You tried to fix it...not the best way to go about it but you tried. He had a part in it too. Sounds like MC with a good therapist would have benefited both of you at the time.

Stop beating yourself up Kas and trying to figure out what went wrong and why and who is to blame. No one on here is completely blameless and hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20. Forgive yourself, do the work, move forward and try not to repeat past mistakes. Be the best you that you can be. As long as you do that, you will be okay. The future will take care of itself. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864913
09/10/19 11:13 PM
09/10/19 11:13 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 701
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kas99 Offline OP
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kas99  Offline OP
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DejaVu6

He went to a sex therapist to undo his Catholic shaming about sex upbringing which helped. During those years he was hard on our then 13 year old girl. He started forbidding her to watch or read anything that had sex in it. We had lots and lots and lots of arguments over her. Ever since then if you ask her what she wants to be when she grows up she says "a stripper". I think this is part of why she disowned him. Since he left I also found out that she cracked my parental pin and has been watching MA since then. We tried MC but they took my side. He quit going.

After losing patience with me things went south quickly. I knew I was on thin ice but I couldn't stop. How do you stop being mentally ill? I was about 80% stable but I struggled A LOT to maintain that and that 20% was bad sometimes. I'd go sit in a parking lot downing vodka or taking a bunch of benzo's before coming home so he didn't get upset with me. I was so afraid he was going to leave me but in the back of my mind I did feel like it was inevitable.

The last argument we had was because he was gone for 2 weeks which is HUGE trigger for me. He ignored my text messages and I got angry. What I didn't know of course was that he was already planning to leave.

Since then I've added a new med and am 99% stable (6 months which is a world record). No more 20% rants. I don't drink and I stopped taking the benzo's. It was too little too late of course. Sad.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864942
09/11/19 06:35 AM
09/11/19 06:35 AM
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DejaVu6 Offline
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Honestly Kas...your H does not sound particularly stable himself. He sounds quite emotionally abusive, IMO.

Not too little too late. You be your best self for you and for your kids. Leave him to his own devices. If he comes back and you are BOTH stable and wanting to genuinely work on things rather than assign blame, then great. If he doesnít come back, you will be better off for having done the work. Be prepared...as you do the work and get better, donít be surprised if he becomes less and less appealing to you. Feelings change... on both sides.

Keep fighting the good fight Kas! (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Moving soon [Re: DejaVu6] #2864959
09/11/19 12:37 PM
09/11/19 12:37 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 701
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kas99 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Honestly Kas...your H does not sound particularly stable himself. He sounds quite emotionally abusive, IMO.

Not too little too late. You be your best self for you and for your kids. Leave him to his own devices. If he comes back and you are BOTH stable and wanting to genuinely work on things rather than assign blame, then great. If he doesnít come back, you will be better off for having done the work. Be prepared...as you do the work and get better, donít be surprised if he becomes less and less appealing to you. Feelings change... on both sides.


He wasn't like this until after he found out about my past. His number is 2 and he thinks the man should have more sexual experience. I cheated on him while dating (3 months after we met) and he couldn't forgive me.

Everyone I know personally says he doesn't sound emotionally stable (easier to tell this story in person). Sounds depressed Says hes going through something. Says he doesn't hate me despite what he's telling himself and me.

I hope he comes back once he is stable but I will move on because I have no other choice.

Re: Moving soon [Re: DejaVu6] #2864975
09/11/19 01:54 PM
09/11/19 01:54 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 701
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kas99 Offline OP
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kas99  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Leave him to his own devices. If he comes back and you are BOTH stable and wanting to genuinely work on things rather than assign blame, then great. If he doesnít come back, you will be better off for having done the work


I'm not emotionally stable either. I regress and I have relapsed. At first I was doing the work to get him back but then I noticed the changes in my kids. I couldn't bear to take that away from them.

I take a DBT (therapy) class and my instructor says I'm nothing like the person I was. My support group agrees. She also thinks WAH is emotionally unstable and thinks it bothers him that I didn't follow the script. She also thinks that now that he is committed to this path he will have go through with it. His pride is too high and he'd rather die alone than appear weak.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864976
09/11/19 02:01 PM
09/11/19 02:01 PM
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DejaVu6 Offline
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Beating someone up about their past before they met you is ridiculous. The man should have a higher number than the woman. WTF?? Whatís that? Oh...itís the 1950s calling. The fact that he made this an issue indicates to me that he has been this way for a long time. Maybe he was just good at hiding it before. Itís all about control and making himself feel better by making you feel bad. Do not buy into it. You and your kids deserve better and sometimes better is being on your own. I know it is what I would choose if my partner was treating me like that.

Keep working on yourself and getting healthy Kas. My prediction is that the more healthy you get, the less you will want to be with your H. Healthy people with good self esteem would never put up with that. Save yourself first and worry about your M later.


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Moving soon [Re: DejaVu6] #2864977
09/11/19 02:02 PM
09/11/19 02:02 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 701
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kas99 Offline OP
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kas99  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Be prepared...as you do the work and get better, donít be surprised if he becomes less and less appealing to you. Feelings change... on both sides.


After posting my story here this thought crossed my mind. I felt lighter. My moods are still up and down so this thought probably won't stick but today I feel pretty good.

The only thing I'm dreading is moving but if I can get him to cooperate I won't have to see him.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864979
09/11/19 02:15 PM
09/11/19 02:15 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 701
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kas99 Offline OP
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kas99  Offline OP
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NVM my mood just dropped. I'm trying but being at work is the worst. I feel slightly better than yesterday so that's good right?

DB questions [Re: kas99] #2864980
09/11/19 02:29 PM
09/11/19 02:29 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 701
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kas99 Offline OP
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Is it normal to have moments of sadness while GAL?

Is it progress if I have moments of acceptance? Mostly I cling to hope but it is slowly diminishing.

Re: DB questions [Re: kas99] #2865011
09/11/19 06:07 PM
09/11/19 06:07 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 1,934
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neffer Offline
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It all comes in cycles. What you need to do is to know yourself. When a low cycle is coming just be aware of it. We all need to cycle up in the waves.

Onward and upward.

Go girl!


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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