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Midlife wife crisis10 #2864718
09/09/19 04:19 PM
09/09/19 04:19 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2864507&page=11

Here is the previous link.
Where are all my vets? I miss your posts


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2864741
09/09/19 05:49 PM
09/09/19 05:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
I keep reading on here and other places about childhood issues. I mean everyone has some sort of childhood issues. Does that mean no marriage should work?


My XW went through a lot of abuse in college. Physical and mental. We had 25 great years together before BD. I don't attribute her past to BD, they are unrelated events. LBS's look for all kinds of excuses/ reasons to explain why BD happened, but more often than not there are no specific reasons. Sure if pressed the WAS will offer some things up, but the reality is something is going on in their head and they can't explain it. This is the one thing all LBS's need to accept, but is also the one thing that they struggle with the most- you will never know WHY, and you've got to learn to let go of the need to know. There's a book called "Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy!" that addresses why teens do some unexplainable things, things that may be completely out of character with who they normally are. The long and short of the book is there are chemical changes happening in their brains that fundamentally alter their higher reasoning temporarily, make them "crazy". I honestly think much the same happens in many WAS's but that it is not well understood by the medical community.

Quote
My wís childhood seemed to be pretty good from what she has told me. They traveled a lot, she got pretty much whatever she wanted, she had no chores (not a good thing) 2 loving parents, beautiful home, lots of friends. So what there caused her to stray from the marriage? If anything seeing how loving her family is and was should have made her try harder to keep our m together. Her mom was a stay at home mom and was so loving to her father. Even to this day they always hold hands, she makes it s point to sit next to him and when she does she always puts her hand on his leg. I guess the only thing I can think of is that my w resents the fact that she had to work. She has mentioned that a few times through our m. I guess her working and having to do things around the home (again she never had any chores growing up) made her think this is not the life she wants. She wants the fairytale, a lot of money, she doesnít work, travel as much as she wants and buy whatever she wants. But she knew what I did for a living. Why now after 19 years does it not make her happy? She was happy for so long and if anything things got even better. I guess I just missed her emotional well being. Itís sad because I have learned so much from this. From everyone on here on what I have lacked, books I have read and podcasts I have listened to. I am the lover that she wants, unfortunately she is not ready to give it another chance. Maybe never again.


^^^All of that is a waste of your mental resources. Complete waste of time. You don't know, her parents don't know, SHE doesn't know. YOU have got to LET GO of the need to know. Because you never will! Focus on you and your GAL.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2864743
09/09/19 05:55 PM
09/09/19 05:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2864507&page=11

Here is the previous link.
Where are all my vets? I miss your posts
I am following along.How can we help?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2864758
09/09/19 07:04 PM
09/09/19 07:04 PM
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Hi wolf!

You canít change the past. Even with all of that mind reading and ruminating. Just relax man. Be yourself. Keep working on yourself.

Live the present time. Past is past, future...who knows. Time waits for no one. As Cadetís welcome post says: use your time wisely. Be the lighthouse for the kids, GAL and keep moving forward. You have R2C there, listen to him.

Stay strong Wolf. DB!

Better times coming. Thatís for sure.

Hope.

(((Wolfman)))


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: AnotherStander] #2864817
09/10/19 02:02 AM
09/10/19 02:02 AM
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I keep reading on here and other places about childhood issues. I mean everyone has some sort of childhood issues. Does that mean no marriage should work?


^^^All of that is a waste of your mental resources. Complete waste of time. You don't know, her parents don't know, SHE doesn't know. YOU have got to LET GO of the need to know. Because you never will! Focus on you and your GAL.


So true it is a waste of time. I am trying real hard to not waste my time on this. I am trying real hard to work on myself and GAL. I guess at times I am sad because the family dream is gone. But I will be honest with you I think I am ready for a new life. I know I will be fine, I know life will be good. Itís taken me about a year to get to this point. I know there is better out there and I deserve better.

I am getting ready to truly move on. Neffer and R2C thank you for your words of wisdom. It really helps!!


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2864819
09/10/19 02:41 AM
09/10/19 02:41 AM
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Hi Wolfman,

I think I'm a bit like you in churning over looking for answers when things don't make sense. Isnt an overthinking mind a curse sometimes! too really looked into childhood issues after BD in searching for answers. I personally believe it's important. I had no idea before BD how much childhood issues (trauma, abandonment, abuse neglect) come into play, at least I believe they did in my sitch. I always thought nature, not nurture, but I think I was wrong. I believe the way we do things as adults is in our subconscious, planted at an early age. I shocked myself when I looked into my childhood, and how so many of my ways of doing things were rooted from an early age.

You mentioned your W's mother was stay at home, happy, good wife etc. You then mentioned your W had some sort of change after she went to work, and didn't like work. It may be your W was programmed by her M that her role was SAH, like her mum. There's probably some sort of abandonment issues for your W as well. Look to your childhood too. She may have reacted to something from your past you were subconsciously doing, without any of you knowing about it. I'm identifying and fixing my childhood issues. It's going to take a long time, but its worth it.

Defintiely dont ask your W about her childhood now. Focus on fixing you, if you need fixing that way.

I've read that childhood issues don't doom a marraige discretely, as long as you talk and keep talking about them during the M, work out what happened in childhood, and work through how childhood issues effect M behaviour and communicate about it, rather than repressing it - for example "W, is there a childhood story behind (behaviour/reaction/attitude/belief) XYZ)?". Looking back on my sitch, I think if I'd done that, it may have changed things. We each touched on childhood issues superficially, but never delved deep. I didnt think it mattered.

The above is just my perspective, and maybe food for thought. Good luck mate


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2864946
09/11/19 09:15 AM
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So yesterday I met with my lawyer to go over the stipulation. There were some things that had to be corrected but for the most part it wasnít too bad. Honesty I go back and forth, that I canít believe at times this is happening. I know I need to accept this but it is so hard. I give so many of you on here credit, how I feel you cake to terms with this faster than I have. I know itís stupid but I looked back at old texts of conversations and she would write how much she loved me and this was when we first separated. To now where she has no feelings for me anymore. My mind stinks because it takes me back to all the good times. I wish her mind would do that. Her mind only focuses on the bad. I know in life we donít always get what we want but her forcing me to do all these things makes it that much harder. Sorry for the dwelling. LH you are going to kick my butt for this post.
The last couple of days I have felt pretty good too. But anytime something brings us closer to d it hurts. I have been ďhappyĒ the last few days but today not so much. I still feel real embarrassed about getting divorced, it makes me feel like a failure. Sorry for the down post. I guess better days are coming. I hope so.
Thank you DS9 for your post.
Neffer your post made me think about how to stay focused.
AS the whole thing about your teen is crazy is interesting. But does it say they ever realize what they are doing in the book. Do they ever ďcome backĒ to their normal self? My friends daughter drowning triggered something in my wife, I wonder if she will ever realize what she is doing?


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2864978
09/11/19 02:03 PM
09/11/19 02:03 PM
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Well, you donīt have to sit there waiting for her Wolfie.

There are going to be ups and downs but you need to be surfing up all that. PMA. Listen to AS, LH, R2C, DS,... I come from the other side. And we all say the same: better times coming. Why? Because they depend on you.

Control expectations, live reality, have hope. Then keep on DB. GAL!

Shine there man! Be the lighthouse for your kids.

(((Wolf)))


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2864985
09/11/19 03:54 PM
09/11/19 03:54 PM
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Neffer what is your situation. I donít think I know yours?


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2864998
09/11/19 05:02 PM
09/11/19 05:02 PM
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Iīm a dark side survivor. Thereīs my sitch somewhere. I found answers here, so I stayed. Still having questions, and finding answers.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=61472&Number=2797870#Post2797870


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865052
09/11/19 10:01 PM
09/11/19 10:01 PM
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Neffer I just read your situation. Thanks for sharing. There is one thing that really stands out that you said and it was your search for freedom. That you wanted to be free. That is exactly where my w is at. She just wants her freedom, she doesnít want to be mom (even thought she pretends in front of people) and she certainly does not want to be a wife. Something really funny just happened. I had my kids at the playground with their friends. My w went over to my d and her 12 year old friends to tell her about her day. Iím sorry I find that a little odd. There is so much I read about MLC and how they become like teenagers, well there she was hanging with them for about 20 minutes telling them about her day. She is definitely going through something and only she can get through it. I will keep working hard to focus on myself and GAL. Iím sorry I canít help but notice some of her behaviors. Thanks for sharing neffer definitely learned some new insight. You also mentioned you w did not put in the work. What could she have done to help the situation?


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865070
09/12/19 12:33 AM
09/12/19 12:33 AM
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I'm curious Wolf. In what context was your W telling a bunch of 12 yr old about her day? If you don't mind sharing?

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: IHCLACS] #2865085
09/12/19 03:09 AM
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Originally Posted by IHCLACS
I'm curious Wolf. In what context was your W telling a bunch of 12 yr old about her day? If you don't mind sharing?

She is a teacher and a bad area. She was telling them stories about the kids and what they were doing in class and how she handled them. Some of the dumb things they were saying and how they couldnít answer questions.
Why by the way?


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865098
09/12/19 10:29 AM
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I was just curious if she was dumping her day work issues on a bunch of 12 yr old voluntarily, or if it was more in the context of just generally telling them about her day? I guess she needed to vent/share her frustrations, but I can see your view on how it would be awkward to he sharing your work issues with 12yr old kids.

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: IHCLACS] #2865109
09/12/19 01:04 PM
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Originally Posted by IHCLACS
I was just curious if she was dumping her day work issues on a bunch of 12 yr old voluntarily, or if it was more in the context of just generally telling them about her day? I guess she needed to vent/share her frustrations, but I can see your view on how it would be awkward to he sharing your work issues with 12yr old kids.


Not sure I didnít hear the whole conversation, I was playing basketball with my son about 50yards away.


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865124
09/12/19 04:08 PM
09/12/19 04:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
But does it say they ever realize what they are doing in the book. Do they ever ďcome backĒ to their normal self? My friends daughter drowning triggered something in my wife, I wonder if she will ever realize what she is doing?


They realize what they are doing when they are doing it, they just don't know WHY they are doing it. Some unseen force is driving them. They don't "come back" to their normal self because they are never "not" their normal self. They are doing things that are out of character for them, but they are still who they were at the same time. A teen will sneak their parents' car keys, go joy riding, wreck the car, bring the keys back and put them where they found them. When confronted they will deny and say the car must have been stolen. When finally presented with irrefutable evidence they will sheepishly admit they did it. When asked why they will always say "I don't know", and the point of the book is to explain that indeed, they really don't know why and to help parents contend with the fact that something is going on in their body and mind, a chemical change or something, that is driving them to do things that are not normal for them. I really think this happens in a lot of WAS situations too. There's a reason most WAS's are in the "midlife crisis" age range.

By the way, the above example of the teen taking the keys and wrecking the car is an actual example that happened in my family.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865139
09/12/19 06:13 PM
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I have a question. I have been reading 5 love langueages and man does it explain a lot. I definitely messed up my wifeís love language. I was wondering, can I give her a copy? 2 reasons why; 1 Maybe she would see I was trying I got her love language wrong. 2 it talks about not being in love anymore but love is a choice and it can come back if we fill a personís ďlove tankĒ. I donít know, it might be a stretch. I really wish I read this book a long time ago. I know now spending time and words of affirmation is her 2 love languages. Not buying gifts and doing things. Sad how I screwed that up!!


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865142
09/12/19 06:28 PM
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You can give her a copy but it wonít change anything and just set you back further.

Youíre trying logic and reason again.

I am going to go out on a limb and guess that she didnít fill up your love tank either.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865144
09/12/19 06:37 PM
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W,

My exís father cheated when my ex was 13-14 and moved out for 3 months. She cried a few times during our relationship when talking about it and how it was the worst 3 months of her life. Now logic and reason would say that she would never put her kids through the same thing she went through. Now logic and reason would say she saw her parents go through a difficult time and they were able to work through it stay married.

You have to throw logic and reason out the window.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865149
09/12/19 07:15 PM
09/12/19 07:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
I was wondering, can I give her a copy?
No.


Quote
if we fill a personís ďlove tankĒ.... I know now spending time and words of affirmation is her 2 love languages.
Right now, just fill her love bucket with words of affirmation in a non-needy way.


Read coaches words here again:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846984


Use your logic and reasoning to make changes in your behavior that will make her think of you differently. Her thoughts will then make her feel differently about you.


Remember that everything that works is counter intuitive.

Look here for "Counter intuitive ways to attract":
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094

It is much higher in my recommendations than T5LL (which I still believe is a must read as well).


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865151
09/12/19 07:40 PM
09/12/19 07:40 PM
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R2C,

Iíd be curious to hear examples of words of affirmation that donít come across as needy or pursuant?

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865162
09/12/19 09:14 PM
09/12/19 09:14 PM
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Quote
I have a question. I have been reading 5 love langueages and man does it explain a lot. I definitely messed up my wifeís love language. I was wondering, can I give her a copy?


I think she would naturally resist any reading/listening material that you suggest or give her. I love this book but seldom suggest the LBS read it. Why? B/c they react in the very same way you did.

Quote
2 reasons why; 1 Maybe she would see I was trying I got her love language wrong.


No, Wolf, it would only give her more reason to be angry with you.

Quote
2 it talks about not being in love anymore but love is a choice and it can come back if we fill a personís ďlove tankĒ. I donít know, it might be a stretch.


Oh no, she would really buck up about this one. Choosing to love is polar opposite from what she wants.

Quote
I really wish I read this book a long time ago. I know now spending time and words of affirmation is her 2 love languages. Not buying gifts and doing things. Sad how I screwed that up!!


I suspect we all had similar thoughts or feelings after reading the book. We don't know what we don't know. Now that you know, go forward implementing what you know. cool


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Ready2Change] #2865171
09/12/19 10:32 PM
09/12/19 10:32 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
Youíre trying logic and reason again.


That is definitely my problem. I am constantly using logic when she is not. I have always been a logical person. Iím sorry LH I know you have told me this a bunch of times. I guess when there is a problem a try to solve it and I keep thinking how I am going to solve the problem. But in this instance I have to let it go. There is no logical explanation for what she is doing.

Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I was wondering, can I give her a copy?
No.

Quote
if we fill a personís ďlove tankĒ.... I know now spending time and words of affirmation is her 2 love languages.
Right now, just fill her love bucket with words of affirmation in a non-needy way.
Use your logic and reasoning to make changes in your behavior that will make her think of you differently. Her thoughts will then make her feel differently about you.

How do I do those 2 things. Words of affirmation in a non needy way. What behavior do I need to change?


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865172
09/12/19 10:33 PM
09/12/19 10:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
There is one thing that really stands out that you said and it was your search for freedom. That you wanted to be free


Thatīs MLC selfishness. Waywardness is part of it. And some unknown misteries that were there in my childhood. Faced some of them, working to face other.


Originally Posted by Wolfman
You also mentioned you w did not put in the work. What could she have done to help the situation?

She did. She let me go. Thatīs why I came back. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I started wondering why I did what I did. My inner journey started around that time. I was doing IC and I found this forum. I was saved!


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865173
09/12/19 10:38 PM
09/12/19 10:38 PM
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Sandi thanks for the advice. Itís so sad and hard thatbwhen they are in this state of mind there is nothing we can say at this point that will help our cause. I have changed my behavior and so far proved to her I am not the same person. But I once heard you canít undo years of ďhurtĒ in only a few months. Itís really sad weíre she is mentally too. Tomorrow is my sonís back to school picnic. Itís after school. My w is not coming, itís friday she is going out to happy hour with her friends. Definitely not something she WOULD HAVE EVER DONE!!! But she is in teenage mentality and just wants to party.


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865174
09/12/19 10:42 PM
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You need to focus on yourself Wolf. You know that.


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865184
09/12/19 11:16 PM
09/12/19 11:16 PM
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Wolf, as you know my W is the same. Her need for fun and time with friends is the priority over our son. It's sad, but that's why I'm there for him as much as I can be.

I don't understand it - but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: HopeCA] #2865253
09/13/19 04:15 PM
09/13/19 04:15 PM
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Originally Posted by HopeCA
R2C,

Iíd be curious to hear examples of words of affirmation that donít come across as needy or pursuant?


It would be something like she helps the kids with homework and you say "you are really a wonderful mother, they are very lucky to have someone like you!" Or she mentions something positive at work and you say "You've always been such a dedicated worker, I'm glad to hear that's paying off for you!"

Most guys get this wrong, they think words of affirmation are things like "wow your butt looks great in that" or "my don't your boobs look huge in that top." NOOOOO that is not what it means, LOL!


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: jac12] #2865276
09/13/19 07:45 PM
09/13/19 07:45 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by neffer
You need to focus on yourself Wolf. You know that.


I do. I am trying real hard to just focus on myself. Not something I am use to but I have no choice now.

Originally Posted by jac12

I don't understand it - but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

So true. I guess I was always a fixer and trying to make things right all the time. But where she is in her life I definitely canít and have to step back.

AS basically they are compliments. I do that all the time for her. Tell her what a wonderful mother she is and what a great teacher she is and how lucky those kids are to have her as a teacher. I never talk about her appearance. Just things that she has done and how good she is.

I have my kids today and looking to have fun with them. My s has a back to school picnic in a little while so Iím looking forward to that. Tomorrow my s has a flag football game in the morning. Canít wait watch him tomorrow. Then afterwards going to city for a beer crawl with some friends.


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865281
09/13/19 08:05 PM
09/13/19 08:05 PM
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LH19 Offline
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W,

Interesting that you tell her sheís a great mother all the time when you are always questioning her parenting on the board.

Do you finish NMMNG? What did you take away from it?


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: LH19] #2865296
09/13/19 11:59 PM
09/13/19 11:59 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
W,

Interesting that you tell her sheís a great mother all the time when you are always questioning her parenting on the board.

Do you finish NMMNG? What did you take away from it?

Your right her parenting at times is not the best. But I am not going to start arguments about it. That is part of my 180 she said I never acknowledged her or the good things she did. So thatís what I am doing. When she actually does something him g good.
I did not finish reading it.


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865313
09/14/19 02:27 PM
09/14/19 02:27 PM
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LH19 Offline
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Nobody said to start arguments wolf but if your telling her sheís a great parent when sheís not that means you are expecting something in return which is the premise of the book.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: LH19] #2865323
09/14/19 07:02 PM
09/14/19 07:02 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
Nobody said to start arguments wolf but if your telling her sheís a great parent when sheís not that means you are expecting something in return which is the premise of the book.


Not expecting anything in return. She has said it numerous times that I took her for granted and didnít appreciate the things she did. I make it a point to do that now. That is my 180. Also that counts as my words of affirmation. Thatís all. I am a changed person whether she wants to see that or not is on her.


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865701
09/18/19 04:36 PM
09/18/19 04:36 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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So this Friday my friend is having her husbands 40th birthday at a pro baseball game. My w approached me about either driving in or taking the train together. Honestly I donít know how I feel about that. What does everyone on here think? Is ok we go together? I wonít talk about R or D. Just about work and the kids. My friend also said we are not sitting next to each other. On a different note getting closer to her buying me out. I just want to say on here, it hurts, I put so much work into that house to make it ďoursĒ. I am in a lot of pain. I hate that I am stuck.
Lately it looks like my d is getting better with me. That makes me happy!!! I am trying so hard to show her I am not some tyrant, Iím not as horrible as she thinks.


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865708
09/18/19 05:07 PM
09/18/19 05:07 PM
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LH19 Offline
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Well wolf this is where the precedents is set. Do you want to be friends with her? I sense this is your NGS setting in because you are not detached enough to pull this off.

Remind me again why you didnít keep your castle?


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: LH19] #2865709
09/18/19 05:20 PM
09/18/19 05:20 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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I didnít keep the castle because she is buying me out. This way the kids donít have more changes to experience. LH you were right, I should have never left a while ago.
Originally Posted by LH19
I sense this is your NGS setting in because you are not detached enough to pull this off.
Remind me again why you didnít keep your castle?


What are you referring to when you say pull it off?


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865712
09/18/19 05:34 PM
09/18/19 05:34 PM
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LH19 Offline
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I understand keeping changes minimal for kids. Why didnít she buy you out? I kept my house. NGS?

Before I answer your question I have a question for you. Youíve made it clear you donít want to be in the friend zone but you are considering buddying up with her to the party. Why?


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: LH19] #2865714
09/18/19 05:55 PM
09/18/19 05:55 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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LH she is buying me out. The home appraisal just came back. So she is one step closer to buying me out.
Originally Posted by LH19
Youíve made it clear you donít want to be in the friend zone but you are considering buddying up with her to the party. Why?

Lol because I am a nice guy. All she ever talked about how I was vindictive and spiteful. So I feel like being nice and not holding this gs against her is my 180z


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865716
09/18/19 06:08 PM
09/18/19 06:08 PM
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LH19 Offline
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Iíll try one more time wolf. Why did you not insist on keeping the marital home and buying her out?

You probably were spiteful and vindictive because you gave and gave by being her butlers and got nothing in return which is NGS which you refuse to address.

Sure wolf go and kiss her a$$ the entire time. Just donít cry to us later when you come here and say ďwhy does she think we are friends?

You donít 180 behavior to appease your W. You 180 bad behavior which for you is NGS and you still donít even know what it means.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865720
09/18/19 06:32 PM
09/18/19 06:32 PM
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Wolfman, if you go then go by yourself and sit somewhere away from W. Enough is enough, she wants a D then it's time to break ties with her. If she asks why then tell her YOU need time and space and you hope she understands. I did this with my XW and she actually said she understood and respected that. That's not being "vindictive" or "spiteful". And if she thinks it is, well that's her problem, not yours.

At some point you've got to learn to quit taking all her garbage personally. I am who I am. I have not changed substantially in the last 30 years. I am still who my XW fell in love with 30 years ago. 5 years ago she decided she didn't want to love me anymore, and I actually thought I needed to change???? She didn't just tolerate me for 25 years, she was madly in love. I was everything to her, probably more so then her to me. I see now that the answer to her BD wasn't to change, it was to open the door for her and say goodbye. I used it as an opportunity to change and grow, but looking back she left because of changes in HER, not me. And the same could be said for most people that find themselves here.

Edit- I have to read my own timeline sometimes, LOL! It's been 7 years since BD, not 5. We were married 21 years but together 4 years before that so that's where my "25 years" comes from. So that would have been 32 years ago that we fell in love. Wow the years since BD have really flown by!

Last edited by AnotherStander; 09/18/19 06:35 PM.

Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: LH19] #2865731
09/18/19 09:23 PM
09/18/19 09:23 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
Iíll try one more time wolf. Why did you not insist on keeping the marital home and buying her out?

You probably were spiteful and vindictive because you gave and gave by being her butlers and got nothing in return which is NGS which you refuse to address.


I canít afford to buy her out. Her parents are giving her $100k to buy me out. I wouldnít be able to give that to her. Also giving her child support there is absolutely no way I could.
You are very right about why I was vindictive, I gave and gave and gave and for nothing in return. Look LH I know where you are coming from I am trying to get better at my NGS. I have been like this for 40 years itís hard to not be that way now. I am working on it. Let me figure out how to 180 this Friday. Maybe I will just tell her I am taking the train. If she chooses to follow me then thatís on her. Is that better??


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: AnotherStander] #2865732
09/18/19 09:28 PM
09/18/19 09:28 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Wolfman, if you go then go by yourself and sit somewhere away from W. Enough is enough, she wants a D then it's time to break ties with her. If she asks why then tell her YOU need time and space and you hope she understands. I did this with my XW and she actually said she understood and respected that. That's not being "vindictive" or "spiteful". And if she thinks it is, well that's her problem, not yours.

At some point you've got to learn to quit taking all her garbage personally. I am who I am. I have not changed substantially in the last 30 years. I am still who my XW fell in love with 30 years ago. 5 years ago she decided she didn't want to love me anymore, and I actually thought I needed to change???? She didn't just tolerate me for 25 years, she was madly in love. I was everything to her, probably more so then her to me. I see now that the answer to her BD wasn't to change, it was to open the door for her and say goodbye. I used it as an opportunity to change and grow, but looking back she left because of changes in HER, not me. And the same could be said for most people that find themselves here.

You are right. I did not change, she changed. She doesnít want family or responsibility anymore she just wants freedom. So you are right, itís not me either itís her. I will be honest with all of you, I know you all will beat me up for this but itís something I recognize and trying to work on. I am still in denial. Iím getting better with it but itís still their. Thank you LH and ANOTHER STANDER for being here for me!!! I need to beating!!


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865736
09/18/19 09:51 PM
09/18/19 09:51 PM
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neffer Offline
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Itīs ok Wolfie. We try to open eyes here. That time comes for everyone, sooner or later.

Relax, do your 180 and keep DBing. Practice makes perfect.

Trust yourself. You have that power

DB!

(((Wolf)))


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865739
09/18/19 10:43 PM
09/18/19 10:43 PM
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LH19 Offline
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Why is so hard for you to tell her no thank you?

What are you in denial about?


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865740
09/18/19 10:43 PM
09/18/19 10:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
[quote=LH19]

I canít afford to buy her out.


Hey bud, I trust you've been to several banks/mortgage brokers to ascertain your max borrowing capacity and fell short on what you would need to pay her to effect an overall financial settlement? Or is it also the case that like me you simply didnt want the house and happy to be rid of it?

Good luck mate


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865751
09/19/19 12:21 AM
09/19/19 12:21 AM
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Sorry.... As prideful as it sounds. If your wife isn't putting out, making out, keeping you around for a romanitical interest, working to keep you in the M, in the home, and family intact? All this after they clearly want out!? F@$! EM!!! You either get all of me or none of me! What is that phrase of entitlement that women commonly say? "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best!" Wolf... This is an attraction game at this point...Not love, not marriage, not commitment. No man of principle and self worth has time for this kind dramatic bull$hit! Whether you want to believe it or not. She sees your value as less then hers...She thinks she can do better with her life, with another partner, in another environment. Make your changes for you. Spend your time for you. Do for you. Live for you! No woman is worth sacrificing yourself for unless she proves she is worth it TO YOU! People want what they can't have. People also want what they want. Right wrong or indifferent. Its how we learn to make logical choices that are healthy for us in the long term that keeps us emotionally stable and attractive. This isn't dating where you show interest and she shows it back, and you Live happily ever after. This is a person that is fed up with you that is still keeping you around for social benefit. Recognize it for what it is and who she currently is. There's no respect in that. Opportunities maybe, but doubtful. It won't change anything. Change you, work on you, do for you.

This is how adamant I am about this. Case in point. Many grateful acknowledgements on FB. Today is my birthday. I got a Happy Birthday text from W at 9:30 am. Shortly after a call to pickup S2 from daycare, wasn't feeling well. She bought me a donut and an iced coffee when she got home after work, and wished me a good night out. Updated her on S2's situation, said thanks for the donut and the wishes and left. MIL was thoughtful enough to to bring me a present. O have more conversation with her than I do with W. Buddies and bros couldn't make it out. I decided to dress up and go out for dinner and cigars. ALONE! Listened to videos on stoicism and some rock metal videos which made me happy. Sitting in my car now. Am I lonely? Sure but you know what? I wouldn't change a damn thing. I know who I am. I know what I have to work on. I know what I have to do. And I am going to figure out where I am going. What I love doing and whom I choose to love. People enter your life for a reason, they also walk out of it for a reason. A new motto I've heard is... Don't let them go... Return them. People are where they want to be until they no longer want to be there. That is how you detach...When you are strong enough to have the humility to work on you, change you, better you, be you, do you without caring what everyone else thinks of you including your XW. Then you know you are free and in the right place. Attraction comes natural I believe when you are at your best version of yourself. I have a long way to go...Im a broken man at the moment... But... I've been here before...Someone different is going to come out of this. That's how we grow. Through lessons, hardship, pain, and experience. Our pain will not be for nothing. The loss of our spouses will not be for nothing. Let them move on and live their lives and you live yours.

If your W goes to this ballgame. Are you going to enjoy her company in her present form?

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865753
09/19/19 12:44 AM
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IHCLACS - happy birthday mate. You're not broken mate. You're a survivor!


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: IHCLACS] #2865785
09/19/19 01:52 PM
09/19/19 01:52 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
Why is so hard for you to tell her no thank you?
What are you in denial about?


I donít know why it is so hard. I guess because I am a nice guy. Which has not served me any good. It has all backfired on me. I am in denial about the d. I still canít believe I am getting d. Iím stuck and I am trying real hard to unstick myself. I am the opposite of my w, I think of all the good times and vacations while she thinks of all the bad. Obviously we are in 2 very different places
Originally Posted by IHCLACS
If your W goes to this ballgame. Are you going to enjoy her company in her present form?

I am going to talk to everyone. A lot of people are going. Food and alcohol are included so I will be having a good time with everyone.

Yesterday I was putting the kids to bed and she walked by me and I noticed she had a bandage on her arm, right where they draw blood. So I asked if she was ok. She said no she had to go for testing. I asked for what? She said she didnít know, that she hasnít been feeling well and the doctors had to draw blood to see what is going on. I told her I hope she feels better. She said thank you and that her menstrual cycle is all out of whack and she is really tired. I wonder if this is making her behave this way??? I read about women going through peri-menopause can experience major hormonal changes that can alter the way they act and feel. Even thought she is doing this to me and the family I feel bad for her.


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865791
09/19/19 03:04 PM
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Wolf why didn't you tell us she was premenopausal that changes everything.

Well actually it doesn't change anything. You still think this is like some kind of riddle where if you say the right thing a light bulb will go off in her head and she will change her mind. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

I honestly believe you'll get a chance again at some point. By the picture you painted, your W doesn't sound like much of a catch and its not going to be easy for her to find someone to put up with the bs that you did.

Having said that without addressing the issues in the marriage you will likely get bombed again in the future. You remind of another poster "Thorton" who just got bombed for the 4th time. You should read his thread when you have time.

I hope that when you get your own place you can really start to detach and learn to love yourself because you deserve better.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865794
09/19/19 03:19 PM
09/19/19 03:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
I read about women going through peri-menopause can experience major hormonal changes that can alter the way they act and feel.


I'm convinced it played a huge part in my situation, and I also don't think it's a coincidence that so many WAW's and WW's are in their 40's and 50's. But the real question is how does it impact your approach, and the answer is it doesn't. You DB whether that's a factor or not.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: LH19] #2865795
09/19/19 03:25 PM
09/19/19 03:25 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
Wolf why didn't you tell us she was premenopausal that changes everything.

Well actually it doesn't change anything. You still think this is like some kind of riddle where if you say the right thing a light bulb will go off in her head and she will change her mind. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.


Wolf I definitely agree with LH, I get the impression like he does that you are scrambling to find "the golden answer" to why you are here. And if you can crack the code and find the answer, then you can flip a switch and put everything back to normal. But the truth is you will never know what sent her on this path, because she doesn't even know. Menopause, depression, anxiety, medication, tired of being married, tired of dealing with your health issues, fantasizing about someone else, etc. etc. you simply don't know and you never will. I know it's hard to LET GO but that is the only path to saving yourself, and then maybe your M. You simply cannot go spinning all these scenarios every time she walks in with a new bandage on!


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: AnotherStander] #2865855
09/20/19 12:10 AM
09/20/19 12:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
Originally Posted by LH19
I am in denial about the d. I still canít believe I am getting d. Iím stuck and I am trying real hard to unstick myself. I am the opposite of my w, I think of all the good times and vacations while she thinks of all the bad. Obviously we are in 2 very different places


Mate, I feel your continued pain, and denial, and search for answers. Does it feel like you are under her 'spell' still? It still kind of feels that way for me, but its a lot less strong now. Are you getting IC? If not, this will help, but make sure you get an appropriate therapist. They can help you in distilling what it is in your subconscious that causes you to keep hitting the replay button.

Until you become detached and indifferent, I think you need to try and block from your mind all the good memories. I had to, and I think we have similar minds. Sometimes it gets through, but just keep blocking til you get help to deal with it more subconsciously.

Don't ask her about anything, including bandages, injuries etc. Absolutely resist the temptation. My XW came back from holiday recently with a huge infected pusball on her chin. I said nothing, and didn't even look. She volunteered what happened, and all I said was 'hope it gets better soon' - DILLIGAF.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
[quote=Wolfman]I read about women going through peri-menopause can experience major hormonal changes that can alter the way they act and feel.


I'm convinced it played a huge part in my situation, and I also don't think it's a coincidence that so many WAW's and WW's are in their 40's and 50's. But the real question is how does it impact your approach, and the answer is it doesn't. You DB whether that's a factor or not.


Nail on head guys. For about a year before BD, my XW would regularly say she thinks menopause would come on soon. I was supportive in her concerns back then. A few months after BD, she told me about being in first throes of MP, changes in her cycle etc. You know what I said - 'hope you'll be ok' then I walked off.

I agree with LH19 in that you need to get your own haven. I don't know how you've lasted this long being under the same roof.

Stay strong Wolf, and good luck mate!


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: AnotherStander] #2865905
09/20/19 01:38 PM
09/20/19 01:38 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by LH19
Wolf why didn't you tell us she was premenopausal that changes everything.

Well actually it doesn't change anything. You still think this is like some kind of riddle where if you say the right thing a light bulb will go off in her head and she will change her mind. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.


Wolf I definitely agree with LH, I get the impression like he does that you are scrambling to find "the golden answer" to why you are here. And if you can crack the code and find the answer, then you can flip a switch and put everything back to normal. But the truth is you will never know what sent her on this path, because she doesn't even know. Menopause, depression, anxiety, medication, tired of being married, tired of dealing with your health issues, fantasizing about someone else, etc. etc. you simply don't know and you never will. I know it's hard to LET GO but that is the only path to saving yourself, and then maybe your M. You simply cannot go spinning all these scenarios every time she walks in with a new bandage on!


I agree. You Both are right. I have been for a long time trying to find the problem so I could solve this problem. But being on here is teaching me there is nothing I can do. Regardless of the problem. You are both right that I was hoping to figure it out and flip the switch to make her come back. I am learning from this board that does not happen. Itís a hard pill to swallow but swallow it I must.

DS you are right I need to become more detached. This is a very slow process for me. Also you are right about the memories, I need to stop thinking of the good times, it only sets me back. I just have to accept this is her now, my w is gone and is not coming back. That I can create a new future that will be a happy and fulfilling one. Just like everyone else, Iíve spent almost 20 years with this person, itís hard for me to flip the switch. My switch is more like the circular dial for the lights, itís slowly turning to the off position. Once mine clicks to the off position I will be done with her (romantically) forever.


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865910
09/20/19 01:48 PM
09/20/19 01:48 PM
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Hey Wolf,

You pretty much summed up exactly how I feel as well. I'm a fixer and I always think I can identify the issue in the relationship and resolve it. Dropping the rope goes against my instincts but it's the only thing I can do to keep my sanity.

I'm working on making a conscious choice each morning I wake up, to let go of trying to control the outcome. Some days it's very freeing. Other days, not so much.


Me 43
He 43
D: 18
D: 12
T: 8 years

Bomb 5/10/2014
Back 7/7/2014

Bomb 2 1/28/2016
Back: 5/2016

Bomb 3 4/3/2017
She moved away with SD: 5/27/2017
Back: 8/1/2018

Bomb 4 9/11/2019
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865915
09/20/19 02:51 PM
09/20/19 02:51 PM
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I figure it this way guys. Why fight it or for it? It just keeps us emotionally and mentally distracted from focusing on ourselves, our healing, our progress, our purpose, passions, and new experiences. The only reason why I revisit things constantly in my head is for clairity to change, to respond, to learn and to be at peace with what is. I revisit things in my mind continuously to beat it into my stubborn ways that I need to change the things about me that are undesirable, while still keeping clairity and compassion for myself and XW. This is who I am, this is who I want to be, this is who she is, this is who she wants to be. Gotta let them go. Its easier to look at someone else's flaws then your own, and when you do have the humility and ability to look at your own, its a whole another level to take action to make consistent changes. To hold onto any anger of your circimstance, your distant spouse, their actions, there feelings, their words, their mindset, may temporarily relieve the pain, but I doesn't allow you to heal and grow any faster. This is what I realised today, and this is what detachment is to me.

Last edited by IHCLACS; 09/20/19 02:52 PM.
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Thornton] #2866156
09/23/19 03:03 PM
09/23/19 03:03 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Thornton
Hey Wolf,
I'm working on making a conscious choice each morning I wake up, to let go of trying to control the outcome. Some days it's very freeing. Other days, not so much.


I agree with the mornings. Some morning are so hard. I am getting better but it is taking time.

IH I feel we go through the same pain. Dropping the rope is hard but getting better at it.

Had a incident on Saturday. It was my moms birthday and text my w to have the kids call my mom to wish her a happy birthday. She text me back that she would have to text my d she is at her parents house. I asked why are the kids there? She said it was last minute but was going out with fiends. I said why didnít you ask me to watch the kids they are my kids too. She said it was her day with the kids and she can do what she wants with the kids. I said if you cannot watch them the. You should be calling me first. I have priority over anyone else. She said no, if itís her day with the kids she can pick who gets to watch them. I said yes after you ask me. I am the father of the kids and always have priority over anyone else. She said her parents love watching the kids and I said I donít doubt that but if you are not going to be with the kids I want to be with them. Then she had the nerve to say that she never deprived me of seeing the kids. I told her she had no reason I am a good and loving father. She said I know but I could be like that like other divorced women do. I said maybe thatís because the men were not good and keep listening to your divorced friends they are giving you great advice. She said they are not giving her any advice. I told her itís sad how much she has changed (I know this is against DB Iím sorry I needed to say it) the w I remember wouldnít have done anything to keep the family together and how you wanted nothing but to be together as a family all the time but now you would rather go out and party all the time. You are not the person I married and remember. She said what about you, you go out all the time. I said your right I do, but I would much rather be together with my family but since that has changed, yes I do go out. I told her you do not realize it now, but maybe a month, a year or 5 years but you realize what you had and what you lost. I told her she is chasing happiness and that I hope she finds happiness she deserves to be happy. She was shocked because she was quiet. I said you gave up anhusband who loved you the kids and this family unconditionally. That I would have taken a billet for anyone one of you. And she had the nerve to say really? Just again proves how far gone these WAWís are. We finished the conversation with me seeing the kids for a little while during the day.

There are things that are against DB principles but I needed to get this off my chest. I will say her tone of voice was different this conversation. More reserved almost more scared. Usually she is screaming at me and making me feel like I am wrong about everything, not this time. It doesnít mean anything I know. It was just different.


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866160
09/23/19 03:33 PM
09/23/19 03:33 PM
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W,

If you want the right of first refusal to see the kids then talk to your lawyer about having that in your agreement.

I wonít beat you up for the rest. Youíre still trying to use logic and reason. If it made you feel better then get it off your chest. Just remember the like e rebellious teenager the more you tell her what to do and how itís going to be the more she will rebel to prove you wrong.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866166
09/23/19 03:58 PM
09/23/19 03:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
I am the father of the kids and always have priority over anyone else.


You need to work on getting past this sense of entitlement if you want to co-parent with her. Once you are no longer in the MR, you often don't have the same privileges.

Usually once you are D, if it is her day with the kids you don't have a say in who watches the kids unless there is a specific legal agreement. There are exceptions of course that protect the children from unsafe situations or people but that does not seem to be relevant here with her parents.


Originally Posted by Wolfman
She said I know but I could be like that like other divorced women do.

From what you have written, she is trying to make the co-parenting thing work with you. There are many examples of exW that are vindictive and make co-parenting difficult even when the H has been a good father. You need to be thankful she is not doing that.

Originally Posted by Wolfman
[quote=Thornton] That I would have taken a billet for anyone one of you.


If you would have really done that, what you need to do now is think about what is best for your kids and put your ego and hurt feelings aside. Work with her on co-parenting the kids well without the resentment of her leaving you affect that. You don't want to be emotional now and regret it later.

I know this is not what you want to hear but it is important for the sake of your kids.

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: LH19] #2866296
09/24/19 03:29 PM
09/24/19 03:29 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
W,

I wonít beat you up for the rest. Youíre still trying to use logic and reason. If it made you feel better then get it off your chest. Just remember the like e rebellious teenager the more you tell her what to do and how itís going to be the more she will rebel to prove you wrong.


I forget about that. That she has no logic. Because if she did we wouldnít be here. I notice she just wants to go out and party more and more. Itís sickening to me. Definitely not the woman I married. That ďwomanĒ was all about family and being together. She is no longer there. I will try to remember to not use logic with her anymore it gets me nowhere. She is chasing happiness. That is her journey though. I feel bad for my kids and the way she is. The other day I went over and my son had his head down on the dining room table crying. I said whatís going on. My w said in a very angry tone that he has a project due tomorrow and he has had over a week to do it. So she said she was not going to help him, he was on his own. My son replied while crying but all the parents help the kids. She said no the donít you need to figure this out on your own. Then she left and went for a walk. I took my kids for a bike ride, when we got back I encouraged him to get it done and that helped and he finished most of it. Like I said she is gone. She has gone into super selfish mode.

Not helping the kids, spending lots of money on herself, going out late at night, and just completely miserable most of the time. No idea who she is anymore.

MLC thank you for that. You are right itís not what I want to hear. Itís very difficult at least for me to deal with this. Why? Because I donít want this and yet I have to move forward with it!!!!

Last edited by Wolfman; 09/24/19 03:33 PM.

M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866297
09/24/19 03:37 PM
09/24/19 03:37 PM
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Thornton Offline
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Hey Wolf,

Just know that you arenít alone. My W is so vile and selfish that itís like sheís another person. I canít understand the hatred that she has right now.

I also think about when W was lovable, fun, and kind. It really messes with my mind how she could flip like this.

We simply must detach and leave them to figure themselves out.


Me 43
He 43
D: 18
D: 12
T: 8 years

Bomb 5/10/2014
Back 7/7/2014

Bomb 2 1/28/2016
Back: 5/2016

Bomb 3 4/3/2017
She moved away with SD: 5/27/2017
Back: 8/1/2018

Bomb 4 9/11/2019
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Thornton] #2866301
09/24/19 03:52 PM
09/24/19 03:52 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Thornton
Hey Wolf,

Just know that you arenít alone. My W is so vile and selfish that itís like sheís another person. I canít understand the hatred that she has right now.

I also think about when W was lovable, fun, and kind. It really messes with my mind how she could flip like this.

We simply must detach and leave them to figure themselves out.


It messes with my mind too. I think about all those things, it messes me up. Leave them to figure themselves out? I get it. But for how long? Itís a rhetorical question. What I wouldnít give to just be a family again.
Thornton what does she do differently and when did it start?


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866305
09/24/19 04:01 PM
09/24/19 04:01 PM
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IHCLACS Offline
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Everyday is hard to find a balance and have compassion and not be resentful for who they are now, and not bring out the worst in us because we have hurt each other, and are hurting. Every day is hard to recognize they have changed and so have we. Everyday is hard that you look back on your history of so many memories, and they no longer mean anything to that person, and we are almost forced to forget them to be able to move forward with our own lives. Everyday is hard figuring out our own self worth, where we screwed up, how bitter we have become, and so have they and where and how we are going to move forward with our own lives. Everyday is hard when we didn't want this, and were commited to the good the bad and the ugly no matter what, and they werent. As they lost themselves in all this, so have we to an extent. At some point we have to ask ourselves what the hell are we going to do with the rest of our own lives? Its scary!!! Like which one do you want? Peace, quiet, and freedom by default or choice, or to continue on with this other person (if they would let us.) And try to endure even more hurt, pain, disappointment, silence, and resentment. All we want to do is heal ourselves, and them, but we can't control that can we? Just ourselves. It all comes down to making conscientious choices every day.

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866384
09/25/19 10:48 AM
09/25/19 10:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
Originally Posted by Thornton
Hey Wolf,

Just know that you arenít alone. My W is so vile and selfish that itís like sheís another person. I canít understand the hatred that she has right now.

I also think about when W was lovable, fun, and kind. It really messes with my mind how she could flip like this.

We simply must detach and leave them to figure themselves out.


It messes with my mind too. I think about all those things, it messes me up. Leave them to figure themselves out? I get it. But for how long? Itís a rhetorical question. What I wouldnít give to just be a family again.
Thornton what does she do differently and when did it start?


Hey Wolf -

Been following your sit for a while, I know how much you've been struggling and how this has taken a long time for you, so I won't be harsh. Everyone goes through this at their own pace, it takes some of us longer than others to "get it".

It took me a long time to figure out that my MR was over. Not "how I knew the MR to be", but the MR itself. It is gone, there is no R between myself and my W right now. I had to accept that, and that was not an easy thing to do. I cried and suffered many weeks and months on end, both before and after finding DB. I grieved the end of what I viewed as something really special. I talked to friends, I poured my heart out to IC.

And then i finally accepted it. Yes it hurt and yes there was an immense amount of pain, but it will happen that you will accept this too.

I'm not saying that there is no possibility of another R with your W at some point in the far future. The future is unwritten, and has an infinite number of possibilities. But right at this moment, you need to start living your life for yourself. You need to prepare for every outcome. I know you may not want to hear it, but one of those potential scenarios is that W may not be there, so you also need to prepare for that.

It [censored], I know. It's not what you want, it's not what I want either. But both you and I and everyone here are at a crossroads in our lives where the outcome is unclear.

So in order to deal with that, in order to protect ourselves as much as possible, we need to be prepared, we need to be strong, and we need to be steady, in spite of what we might be feeling on the inside.

Try to live in the moment. Take it day by day - don't worry about what will happen tomorrow, that is a problem for tomorrow.

Have you tried meditating? I find it helps me a lot to calm obsessive thinking.

What are you doing to GAL? Do you have any projects or trips or things you have always wanted to do for yourself? If so, now is the perfect opportunity to think about doing those things.

This is rough, man - but you will get through this, I promise. We are here for you, and do know that you are not alone.

Take care, man - stay strong smile

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866485
09/26/19 12:39 PM
09/26/19 12:39 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Iron will thank you for that. This is the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. I pour my heart out with my IC. I am getting a life but at times it is hard. I donít have a friend who is divorced. All of my friends are married. It is hard to find people to hang out with. Accepting the end of my m is extremely difficult. Just like everyone on here never imagined. I never imagined my w would be doing this. She always wanted to portray this perfect life we had, then she snapped.
Iron will you asked if there was anything I wanted to do for myself and the answer is no, my life was my family and my enjoyment.

I really need everyoneís help here. Really just the support. Itís obvious I am struggling, I am trying real hard to find positive in my life. But itís hard. My family was my world and I know people say you still have your kids but itís not the same. Some days my thoughts go real dark. I have no one. Iím not use to that. Because of my marriage I donít have a lot of friends anymore. I always feel alone. Thatís why I love this board. I know everyone on here has a life but it means so much to me when people respond. I never thought this divorce would break me this bad I was such a strong independent person before I was married. I became husband and family man and lost my sense of strength. Everyday I feel sick to my stomach hoping I will wake from this nightmare.
LH tells me all the time I use logic and he is right. How giving up this life we built is better than staying married. I just wish her MLC would end. And my ďwifeĒ would come back. Because she is not the same person. Please people I know I am not as strong as a lot of you on here, but please just stay with me. This board is the only place I find strength and love. Most days I feel like the zombies from the walking dead.


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866489
09/26/19 01:08 PM
09/26/19 01:08 PM
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Hey Wolf,

I can relate to so many things you struggle with. I describe myself as a family man as well, my family was always #1 and who I wanted to spend most of my time with. All of my friends are married too, and I don't want to be a third wheel. It can be very lonely at times.

Rest assured, how you are feeling right not is not how you will feel forever. It's a process and you will hurt for a while. But then it will start to get easier.

No one here will give up on you, we know your pain. Keep coming here and posting. We will all get through this nightmare together.

Thorn


Me 43
He 43
D: 18
D: 12
T: 8 years

Bomb 5/10/2014
Back 7/7/2014

Bomb 2 1/28/2016
Back: 5/2016

Bomb 3 4/3/2017
She moved away with SD: 5/27/2017
Back: 8/1/2018

Bomb 4 9/11/2019
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866499
09/26/19 03:49 PM
09/26/19 03:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
My family was my world and I know people say you still have your kids but itís not the same. Some days my thoughts go real dark. I have no one. Iím not use to that. Because of my marriage I donít have a lot of friends anymore. I always feel alone. Thatís why I love this board. I know everyone on here has a life but it means so much to me when people respond. I never thought this divorce would break me this bad I was such a strong independent person before I was married. I became husband and family man and lost my sense of strength. Everyday I feel sick to my stomach hoping I will wake from this nightmare.


I hear you, that really brings back memories. Not too long after BD and S, my oldest went to college. That was a cold slap in the face that not only did I lose my W and half my time with the kids, but I was now only going to see my oldest maybe twice a month! Man that was tough. And the weeks I didn't have the kids were so incredibly lonely at first. Just me in that empty house. So what saved me? How did I survive, and then thrive? GAL. I had to force myself to GAL because all I WANTED to do was sit at home and wallow in misery and despair. But I made myself. I went to the gym nearly every day. I worked out until I was too tired to be miserable. I worked on a motorcycle, I did sketches, I read, I texted friends, I built R/C planes, I took painting classes. Slowly over time I learned to enjoy all these activities. Eventually they become so much fun that I looked forward to my "alone" weeks so I could do more GAL. Now don't get me wrong, if given a choice I would definitely have chosen to see my kids more. But we're forced into these situations, so we make the best of it. We are Superdad when we have the kids and we GAL our hearts out when we don't have them. I like my alone time now, I'm alone a lot but I am never lonely!

I don't think you've ever really embraced GAL'ing. You do a little something here and there but you've never gone full bore on it and you have to, it's the only way forward.

Also here's a truth bomb for everyone that has kids- they grow up. The move out. You're still a father to them but not every day like you're used to. It's inevitable that your parenting situation is going to change and diminish no matter what happens to your M. So you have to prepare yourself for that.

Quote
I just wish her MLC would end. And my ďwifeĒ would come back. Because she is not the same person.


It may never happen. Or it might. A friend of mine, his W went full-bore WAS and launched a scorched earth policy. Left, moved in with OM, sold their joint house and business and cut all contact for 2 years. Now they are back together and happier than ever. My XW on the other hand, it's been many years and she's only partially returned to who she was before. Sometimes she seems like my old W and other times like a stranger. All I can say is you've got to quit waiting and get on with life. It may seem impossible, but there are plenty of us around here who were in your exact same spot and are now happy and thriving. That should give you hope!


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866538
09/27/19 12:21 AM
09/27/19 12:21 AM
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Wolf the pain is horrible. I wonder how any of us get through this and survive. Even at my lowest of lows I can't comprehend what my 13 year old daughter is going through. On a visitation she almost decided to walk in front of a car to end her pain. I keep telling her and myself this will pass and we will come out the other side stronger than ever before. Wolf at this moment my daughter and I both care for you even though we have never met.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866540
09/27/19 12:40 AM
09/27/19 12:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Wolfman


I really need everyoneís help here.


I got your back too buddy. How you doing today?

I feel your pain and need for answers. I was very much the same. I really think you need to move out to your own place mate. That you've stayed there so long shows just how strong you actually are. Your W is no longer the woman you knew. She became a vampire, sucking all your strength and energy. The more you're around, the stronger she gets and the weaker you do. Get out of there. Be the lighthouse from afar, where your light and energy guides her back, rather than burns her. Visualise that.

I lasted 3 months months IHS, and it was killing me, and I always thought I had granite willpower.

Are you close to water, or any recreational facilities? Can you get away for a couple of weeks on a solo holiday?

Can you tell us your interests, what you used to do, and maybe we can brainstorm some ideas for you for GAL.

I'm the same too in that I had very little friends and family, and virtually none close by. I visualised myself as some sort of warrior/traveller, walking down a lonesome road, by myself. It's a lonely road we travel mate, but F*&k it - DILLIGAF!

You're a lone wolf mate. Embrace that power and harness all that energy. Visualise that. Squash thoughts of W. Throw them to the side and maul them. Visualise the tough, strong lone wolf you are. Your wolf pack's here now.

Work out like a banshee. When W sees you, she will see you are AMOAFWL. Visualise that and make it happen

Have you got mates at all you can sms/call? I had one really close friend who I'd text and call daily, sometimes several times a day at the beginning.

Get your own place. Don't buy, just rent.

Whenever thoughts of W or loneliness creep in like an insidious cancer, squash them, smash them and maul them.

Visualise.

You've got this Wolfman. Be the Wolf!

I'll check up on you daily for the next few days.

Regds, D


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Thornton] #2866548
09/27/19 02:05 AM
09/27/19 02:05 AM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Thornton
Hey Wolf,

I can relate to so many things you struggle with. I describe myself as a family man as well, my family was always #1 and who I wanted to spend most of my time with. All of my friends are married too, and I don't want to be a third wheel. It can be very lonely at times.

Rest assured, how you are feeling right not is not how you will feel forever. It's a process and you will hurt for a while. But then it will start to get easier.

No one here will give up on you, we know your pain. Keep coming here and posting. We will all get through this nightmare together.

Thorn

Thank you. I need all the help. Iím sorry you went through this too. I have to really focus more on myself something Iím not use to. I know everyone says in time you will get better. I really donít know if I will truly ever get over the situation. I will keep posting and hopefully get better little by little.

AS you are right. I never went full bore. The one thing I have been doing a lot of is working out. I go to the gym a lot and put extra time in. People have noticed so that makes me feel good. Other than that I joined a flag football team, we play on sundays. I now coach my sonís flag football team. So I do things to stay active.

Last edited by Wolfman; 09/27/19 02:11 AM.

M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: rooskers] #2866549
09/27/19 02:20 AM
09/27/19 02:20 AM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by rooskers
Wolf the pain is horrible. I wonder how any of us get through this and survive. Even at my lowest of lows I can't comprehend what my 13 year old daughter is going through. On a visitation she almost decided to walk in front of a car to end her pain. I keep telling her and myself this will pass and we will come out the other side stronger than ever before. Wolf at this moment my daughter and I both care for you even though we have never met.


That is so sad that your d tried to do that. I am so sorry you and your d are going through this. Why do people not understand how much pain they cause others? Why today are people more selfish than ever? Thank you for caring. You have no idea how much that means.

DS9 thank you for speaking with me. I donít want to go away by myself. I hate being alone now. Something that never bothered me before. For a while I was having sever panic attacks being alone. It took me months to get over it. But it still bothers me just no panic attack now. I donít live with w I moved out 5 months ago, I live at my parents house. She is almost done refinancing our home so she can buy me out. Once she does I will buy my own home. That does scare me too, being alone half the time. I will take your advice on squashing bad thoughts. Squashing thinking of my w.
I just never have experienced depression before and now at 41 I feel like there is no end in sight. I know that all depends on me. I am trying real hard to find one positive thing a day and focus on that.

Thank you all for talking with me. It helps so much to feel like someone cares!!!


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866563
09/27/19 11:07 AM
09/27/19 11:07 AM
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IronWill Offline
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
Iron will thank you for that.

You're welcome. smile
Quote

This is the hardest thing I ever had to deal with.

Yes, it is. It is incredibly painful. However, I try to look at it this way - there can be no growth without pain. I don't always succeed in thinking that, but i give it an effort every day.
Quote

I donít have a friend who is divorced. All of my friends are married. It is hard to find people to hang out with.

Yes I know the feeling. I live thousands of miles from my family. All of my friends are also married, engaged, or were "couple friends" with myself and W. You know what i do? I hang out with them anyway. Is it awkward and weird at first? Yes. But i like them, I still want to be friends with them and they still want to be friends with me.

I suggest you do not isolate yourself from your real life friends. That's not healthy, Wolf - you need to get out there and force yourself to do it. You will feel better, maybe not at first, but the more you do it the more you will get used to it.
Quote

Accepting the end of my m is extremely difficult. Just like everyone on here never imagined. I never imagined my w would be doing this. She always wanted to portray this perfect life we had, then she snapped.
Iron will you asked if there was anything I wanted to do for myself and the answer is no, my life was my family and my enjoyment.

I really need everyoneís help here. Really just the support. Itís obvious I am struggling, I am trying real hard to find positive in my life. But itís hard. My family was my world and I know people say you still have your kids but itís not the same. Some days my thoughts go real dark. I have no one. Iím not use to that. Because of my marriage I donít have a lot of friends anymore. I always feel alone. Thatís why I love this board. I know everyone on here has a life but it means so much to me when people respond. I never thought this divorce would break me this bad I was such a strong independent person before I was married. I became husband and family man and lost my sense of strength. Everyday I feel sick to my stomach hoping I will wake from this nightmare.
LH tells me all the time I use logic and he is right. How giving up this life we built is better than staying married. I just wish her MLC would end. And my ďwifeĒ would come back. Because she is not the same person. Please people I know I am not as strong as a lot of you on here, but please just stay with me. This board is the only place I find strength and love. Most days I feel like the zombies from the walking dead.


We won't give up on you, Wolf. If you ever need to talk, someone will be here to help you. But at the end of the day the only one who can do anything about your situation is you.

You are the one who has the power to control your life. You are the one who has to pick yourself up after getting knocked out. If you think about it, even in a marriage, partners can help each other but they can only do so much. they cannot force the other person to do anything. "You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink."

The person who gets knocked down has to want to help themselves first, then that person needs to do something about it. Take some action. Think positively and get busy doing things about it, even if they don't want to at first.

I feel for you man. This is a tough situation that you didn't want. But there has to be something you wanted to do in life before you met your W. Think about it. Make a list here, take some time and write it out. You will be surprised at how much you always wanted to do.

Take care, man - stay strong smile

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866569
09/27/19 01:22 PM
09/27/19 01:22 PM
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IHCLACS Offline
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Wolf. In short you are not alone. I am friendless, (well I have 1 or 2 friends) unsupported, my despise my family's lifestyle and actions, but relate to their mindset in a way. I'm in the middle of moving, refi is done on W part, lost my friends and family through my seperation by me isolating myself from everyone as a result of seperating, probably doing more harm then good to myself because I feel like I've always lost good friends after a breakup, but I have to detach from anyone and anything that reminds me of W and what im losing as a result of marriage failure. BIL moving into home (awkward) , no where to put my stuff, don't have an apartment yet. I get depressed every day but it comes and goes. Little things like listening to You tube videos and cleaning up after myself. Little joy in things. Maybe watching the sun cone up, and work work work, little pleasure in life, but no big purposes for my life, small jealousy of W moving forward in mindset with her life to get what she wants out of it. A part of me wishes i could change my mindset the way she does to get unstuck. The other part of me wishes she took more action. You see that's the problem with me is I have to get my mind right to take action but I'm more susceptible to take action before getting my mindset right. Because I am hyper. I need to create a bucket list or something and achieve it a little at a time. I realize that my attachment to all my previous partners, and women in general, I've never made myself the center of my life. This is something I need to unlearn. That no person can ever make it keep me happy, I have to change my mindset and learn to do it for myself. I have no choice now but to put myself first. That's the scary thing Wolf. Is not knowing where I want to go, what I want to do, how I want to live, and how to take action to get there. Remaining stuck [censored], its hard to quiet the voices and the dialogues in your head that make everything wrong, and everything right, the questions, the what ifs and the influences that are of your own, and that are of other people. Like mind viruses. All the questions, all of the perceptions, who's wrong who's right, what is truth who's truth it is. Am I making the right moves based off of someone else influence, or is it of my own? (That can greatly differ depending on who you are talking to.) All this chatter in your mind and being alone [censored] because it gives you too much room to think, and not enough experience to enjoy. Its no joke when people on here say you must remain in the present. The future makes you anxious, the past makes you depressed. But that is the trickery of the human mind, is that we feel things based on our thoughts, things that are not presently happening right now in real time. It has the ability to keep you repeating the same convos, the same experiences, the same circumstances, and the same tramaus over and over again, even though its not presently happening. The beautiful thing is we can also worry about the future, or we can choose to dream, manifest, and create it, plan for it, do it, risk and all, and actually get there. An emotion is a feeling either of a thought, or an experience. It is a result of that. But it is not us. There is this guy Joe Dispensa on You Tube, I highly recommend his videos which are a little complex in attempting to get your mind in the right frame, and breaking the stuck patterns of the past, as much as we hate going through all of this pain, we must grow from it, or we remain stuck and paralyzed, we must grow from it. Use it to grow from it. I'm tired of being a victim. I'm tired of being depressed, I'm tired losing and not learning to gain from it, I'm tired of habitually repeating the same behaviors even though I don't want to. Its like thoughts become habits and habits become your personna. You get up the same way every morning, you shower, you make your coffee, pack your lunch, drive the same way to work, do the same things, etc, these become habits, we get addicted to familiarity, our thoughts, our comfort zones, and impede our growth. Do something different every day. Whether it be behavioral, habitual, etc. We can't afford to remain attached and stuck and go on this way. We can't afford to think and act the same way if it is not working for us. We can't afford to attach our identities to another person that no longer is one with us, doesn't want us, and isn't willing to work with us any longer. Its draining. You want to hold onto what's familiar, but at what cost? Your sanity, your life, your personality? I don't know who I am anymore, but yet I still do, but I am also going to find out what I am made of by going through the fire. Are you going to sit down in the fire, curl up into a ball and die, or are you going to make the best with what you have, run through it with all your being, and plan to come out the other side? You have a lot to offer going on in your life, don't realize it, and probably are way better off then some of us like myself here. I literally don't have my $hit together, but its going to come. Slowly with every action u take, and every small choice I make not to remain stuck and in the same place, with experience. I also have deeper philosophical questions like what is love and what does it really mean? Is it just attachment to what is familiar? Is it putting yourself first so others can love you for it or putting other people first, so they see your selfless appreciation and sacrifice? Is it letting someone go and honoring their wishes for them to be them? Or trying to convince them that their feelings or perception is not the same as yours and that they are in the wrong? All these schools of thought on life and what is the right way to live it based off of all these influences can be downright confusing when you're searching for it. Because parts of it validate your own mindset in your own experience

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866571
09/27/19 01:49 PM
09/27/19 01:49 PM
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IHCLACS Offline
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Wolf I know Im not your W. I know you miss the affection, the relation, the attention, the experiences, I know you feel lonely, isolated, confused, unrealatable, undesirable, directionless, hurt, scared, angry, resentful, afraid, betrayed, like a failure, lost in your own thoughts, conflicted with your M, society, your spirit, and yourself. (Maybe Im projecting?) If I could give you a hug I genuinely would. You are not alone. But you will only get better if you want to stay commited to the process of getting better.

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866575
09/27/19 02:15 PM
09/27/19 02:15 PM
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Great post IH.

Wolf... he makes good points and your advice is the essence of what it takes to triumph over depression. Do FIRST, feel SECOND. Too many people want to wait until they feel better to do anything. Depression wants you to do that. The key is to get out there and force yourself to do things and have faith that the positive feelings will come. The second way to tackle it (and you should do both) is to change your mindset and your faulty thinking patterns. Google faulty thinking patterns and see how many apply to you. When you catch yourself thinking that way, look for ways to reframe your thoughts so they are more realistic and hopeful. If you struggle to do this, a good IC can help you with it. The third way is to temporarily go on antidepressants with an anti anxiety component. I know medication is not for everyone and I have always been one of those people but at the height of my sitch, I was desperate so I did it. It helped me quite a bit, IMO. I stayed on them for a few months until I thought I had a handle on things and then weaned myself off.

Some thoughts on being the fifth wheel. Again...it is a mindset. I had some issues with it as well but then when I thought back to my MR, I realized that I had done A LOT without my H for the past five years. He was busy separating himself from me (attending fake medical treatments) so I was alone most of the time. When I did socialize, it was usually without him and I was a fifth wheel most of the time. However, I didnít feel that way because I was married so the idea of that kept me from seeing myself in that way. It was my mindset not his presence that kept me from feeling that way. When I was feeling my worst, I FORCED myself to do things. I accepted every invitation I got and in doing so, met some new people and also got to know some acquaintances better. I threw a New Yearís party even though it was the LAST thing I wanted to do. I had about 30 people in my house and when the clock struck midnight, had lots of people lined up to give me a hug. I had a good time in spite of myself. Reach out to people Wolf. They will reach back. And you will be surprised how many people in your life are going through tough times in their relationships or who have gone through similar things in the past. You are not alone but you will be if you keep to yourself and avoid people. I am planning a great vacation next year with two couples who will be celebrating their 25th wedding anniversaries. I am hoping my current boyfriend will be coming along but I know that I canít count on it as we have only been dating for five months and the vacation is a year away. So I am mentally prepared to go on my own and TBH, I will be just as happy either way.

Anyway...hang in there. It will get better with time regardless. I went to my kids open house at their school a few days ago and their dad met us there. A year ago, I remember I was resisting the urge to punch him in the face (I would never do it but man I felt like it) the entire time and couldnít wait to get out of there. I cried on the way home. This time (even knowing that he has replaced me (he had before he left, he just didnít tell me) and is planning a wedding next year, something I thought I would NEVER be able to handle), I was completely focused on my kids. It felt slightly awkward but overall it was good. My XH and I were friendly, we shared a couple of laughs, we talked a bit of ďbusinessĒ and signed up for parent/teacher interviews together. We walked back to our cars together, I gave my kids BIG hugs, told them to be good for Daddy and waved at them as they drove away. Not gonna lie... that part still stings a bit BUT I am adjusting and I know they are happy as long as they know that I am okay so I make sure I always look okay to them. And for the most part, I am.

Bottom line... I am way to good of a person and I value myself too much to waste time longing to be with someone who doesnít want to be with me. Does him not wanting to be with me make any sense given how much he claimed to love me in the past and with everything we had built together? Hell to the no. We were debt free living in a beautiful home and making plans for an awesome retirement. Now... he is living with a woman and parenting her two teenagers full-time and his own kids part time, he has purchased a home and has a $500,000 mortgage, he has lost the respect of many friends and family and is counting on an inheritance from his parents to rescue him financially. His parents will likely both live at least another 10 years. My financial situation is quite a bit better as I have a $100,000 mortgage, a rental home that I own with my sister and about $600,000 equity in the house I live in. Even more than that... I have the respect and admiration (for how I have handled this situation) of friends and family (including many members of his family) and I have held onto my self respect. He lost his a long time ago. When I think about this, TBH, I actually feel kind of sorry for him. He thinks he has skipped over the hard parts by attaching himself to someone new. I think the hard times, for him, are yet to come. I just hope my kids are adults by then so they donít have to witness it first hand.

Keep posting Wolf. I posted A LOT when things were toughest and it made a HUGE difference in my life. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866664
09/28/19 09:45 AM
09/28/19 09:45 AM
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DS9 Offline
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Gíday wolf how you doing buddy. Keep us posted with your thoughts and feelings. Weíre here for you mate.

I second ihcís great post! Youíve got friends here too buddy.


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866742
09/29/19 12:28 PM
09/29/19 12:28 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Thank you everyone those were great posts.

Ironwill I am working at picking myself up. I try everyday and say today will be a good day. I try to do things that make me happy and feel better. The days I donít have the kids I hit the gym for about 1.5 hours. Usually feel much better after that. When I have the kids I try and plan things for us to do.

IH you are very right about what goes on in the head. I am my own worse enemy. My mind is constantly bringing me down. Thinking about the past and how it was. What is my future going to be like? It creates all this anxiousness and anxiety. I just really miss the family dynamic, a lot. We were a team and that is gone. I do get stuck a lot. Then I try to unstick myself. That is not always easy. Iím trying to do more things by myself, trying to get comfortable with myself again. IH you brought up so many great points. I feel like we are living the same life at times. With our w buying us out, not wanting this, few friends, struggling. There are some days that are good. But when they are bad, they are bad. Itís so sad how I hate nice days now. Because it just feels like itís a day I have no one to share it with.

Dejavu I donít get it. How can things be going so well and this is the path they choose? My situation was close to that, as far as how we lived life. Our only debt was our home. Money in the bank, 5 vacations a year, big beautiful home, 3 nice cars, 2 beautiful healthy kids, a husband who was around to help all the time. Yet she had the nerve to say numerous times, ďI wouldnít wish this life on my worse enemy.Ē Are you serious??? You know how many people would kill to have this life and you say that. For my w it was never enough. She always wanted more and more and more. So yeah at times I had to tell her we couldnít go on that $10,000 vacation, we donít have the money for it. My kids also did a million activities so that took a lot of our money. And yet still never dipped into savings. I worked my tail off to make sure we were never in debt, picked up another job to help pay for everything. I even asked her if it was ok I did this other job. She said yeah, but then get mad when I worked. This job made it so we could go on nicer vacations. But yet she would find something wrong or a problem. All I ever wanted to do was make my wife and kids happy. They were my world, my life. For some reason she never saw my dedication and hard work to the family. How many husbands have 2 careers, clean the house, food shop, do the landscaping, clean up after dinner, take the kids to activities, pat all the bills, take out the garbage, make the kids lunch, and yet she felt I didnít care? I get part of it now that, that was not her love language. and yet at times she would compare me to other husbands how they do things for their wives.WHAT?? A lot of friends and family say itís not me. I believe that, but it doesnít make it hurt any less. And when this all started I moved into the basement, to make her happy, I sacrificed again. Even though many people on here told me not too. We have a wall in the dining room with all the vacations we went on, how can she look at those and not see a great life??? I remember one time we were sitting in the dining room with her 2 girlfriends. My w said to them that we barely go away or do anything. They BOTH said are you crazy?? You go away more than both of us combined. They both said we donít do half of what you guys do. I said to my w see we do, do a lot. She actually then said to them no itís not that much. Itís like she doesnít see any of it. She is in a fantasy world.
This is one of the many reasons it hurts me, I worked so hard to give her this life and she took it for granted and then made me feel like I did nothing for her or loved her. Women use to tell me all the time that hey wished their husbands did half of what I did. My buddies would say I made them look bad on what I got and did for my w. Yet she saw none of that!!

Yesterday was a great day!!! I took my kids to a farm to Apple pick, corn maze, hayrides and corn hole. The kids had so much fun we were there for about 5 hours. Then I took them out to eat and did something called slot car racing. We had a awesome day together. It was so much fun. I love those kids more than anything and miss them so much when they are not with me.
Thanks for listening. Comments feedback I look forward too. This forum helps.


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866792
09/30/19 02:01 AM
09/30/19 02:01 AM
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DS9 Offline
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
My mind is constantly bringing me down.
.


Hey Wolf - you need to start meditation to help with racing thoughts. Get the Insight Timer app. If you can't squash your thoughts yourself, jump onto a guided meditation straight away, ok.

Originally Posted by Wolfman


Dejavu I donít get it. How can things be going so well and this is the path they choose?

She is in a fantasy world.


Wolf, please read all you can on how MLC effects behaviour. There are childhood issues there that she suppressed for years, til they welled to the surface. She cannot control herself that way. There is no explanation other than that as to why someone would blow up there life. All you can do is be the lighthouse, and pillar of strength for your kids. You need to be in your right mind to do that. You've got this Wolf.

If it helps you in exhausting all avenues of getting answers, and doesn't offend your principles/values etc, then go see a reputable psychic and ask them what happened.

Originally Posted by Wolfman
corn hole.


Oh geez this made me laugh Wolf. You Yanks have some funny sayings, and I thought us Aussies had some weird sounding games!


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866931
10/01/19 10:33 AM
10/01/19 10:33 AM
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IHCLACS Offline
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Hey wolf I started generating a response to relate to you and everything is going on yesterday but I didn't have the time to finish it all but I will put it up here later. But I want to share a couple of new thoughts I had drving this morning.

Wolf. Even though we all have gained valuable insight here by listening to each other's sich's here on a incremental daily basis. Let me pose a few questions. How much time of your life do you think you have wasted trying to figure all of this out of your sich in the past year? How much more action do you think you could have taken for bettering yourself, your well being, and your life, if the majority of you, your emotions and your actions weren't focused on your W? I know we have to process this in our own way, and in our own time, but how many times have we re-read and heard the same things over and over here and elsewhere? Had the realizations, but failed to take action for ourselves torwards positive change torwards ourselves? Not our W and our sich but actually for ourselves?

Ill pose another thought. I'm willing to bet that we are unrecognizable to our W, their families, their friends, etc. I'm willing to bet that you are the same person and act the same for the most part to your friends and family, and your W is the same to theirs. But the two of you don't recognize each other to yourselves anymore. Let me ask this? Who is changing more at the moment and putting their focus in themselves by their actions? You? Or your W? I'm willing to bet your W has more of a conversation with a family member or friend naturally than she does with you. What does all this mean? How much do you really think you matter to them right now based on your perception, your experience, and their actions? Is it worth your limited time on this earth, for months on end to continually reflect on all that has happened, although somewhat productive mentally, are you going to 've apply it and start bettering your life? Or are you just going to keep focusing what the answers are and stay immersed in the drama over and over and over? I realized that even though I have gained all this knowledge. That I can be addicted to keep looking, and reading, and doing very little about it. I have been watching YouTube videos for almost a solid year, and doing practically nothing else, just in order to feel better, feel validated, in attempt to get my mind right, while doing little to better my own personal sich. When I could have been aggressively looking for apartments, working out, looking at investments, taking up a new hobby, figuring out where I want to live. Making goals, keeping track of them, and measuring progress, etc. I don't matter to the W anymore. Except when she needs $ or needs care for S2, or needs time to watch him for her personal GAL activities. She still looks out for me. (She sends me emails on apartments to her benefit of course.) Another thing Wolf. Get used to the silence. Get used to being alone with your thoughts, and get used to pursuing a new and exciting life for yourself whatever you want it to look like. Make her an afterthought, and yourself a priority. Doesn't matter if its friends. Family, or co workers. People who keep active in your life are there for a reason, and the ones who arent, or don't wish to be, are also for a reason, its just as simple as that. The drama in our heads and in our lives thstvwe are addicted to emotionally, is keeping us stuck. Before all this pre-bd. I'm sure we were laser focused on what we had to do to get to the next step. I just realized I wasted a solid year, and a solid summer because of it. Now its time to apply what we've learned, move forward, and create a life and experiences that is going to make me happy. No excuses, no wallowing in drama or lack of results, no assigning blame to other people why I feel the way I feel. No more victim hood.

Wolf. Have you ever had a person in your life that you wanted to empathise with at first. Listened to their stories and circumstance for a few months, years, etc, but then you were like? I need to distance myself from this person, because they are clearly doing nothing to change it? Or their preferences didn't match yours anymore, and they stopped growing, and you wanted to start moving forward? We have become those people. Either live it Wolf. Or change it. It doesn't matter if we get them back. They are no longer the person that we knew to us. May be not everyone else? But to us. In simplicity. This place advocates about saving yourself first and the rest will follow. Not saving your family and marriage to leave you drained, frustrated, under developed, stunted, poor, helpless, out of control and destitute. We can't control that.

Last edited by IHCLACS; 10/01/19 10:35 AM.
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866972
10/01/19 05:33 PM
10/01/19 05:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Wolfman

Dejavu I donít get it. How can things be going so well and this is the path they choose? My situation was close to that, as far as how we lived life. Our only debt was our home. Money in the bank, 5 vacations a year, big beautiful home, 3 nice cars, 2 beautiful healthy kids, a husband who was around to help all the time. Yet she had the nerve to say numerous times, ďI wouldnít wish this life on my worse enemy.Ē Are you serious??? You know how many people would kill to have this life and you say that. For my w it was never enough. She always wanted more and more and more. So yeah at times I had to tell her we couldnít go on that $10,000 vacation, we donít have the money for it. My kids also did a million activities so that took a lot of our money. And yet still never dipped into savings. I worked my tail off to make sure we were never in debt, picked up another job to help pay for everything. I even asked her if it was ok I did this other job. She said yeah, but then get mad when I worked. This job made it so we could go on nicer vacations. But yet she would find something wrong or a problem. All I ever wanted to do was make my wife and kids happy. They were my world, my life. For some reason she never saw my dedication and hard work to the family. How many husbands have 2 careers, clean the house, food shop, do the landscaping, clean up after dinner, take the kids to activities, pat all the bills, take out the garbage, make the kids lunch, and yet she felt I didnít care? I get part of it now that, that was not her love language. and yet at times she would compare me to other husbands how they do things for their wives.WHAT?? A lot of friends and family say itís not me. I believe that, but it doesnít make it hurt any less. And when this all started I moved into the basement, to make her happy, I sacrificed again. Even though many people on here told me not too. We have a wall in the dining room with all the vacations we went on, how can she look at those and not see a great life??? I remember one time we were sitting in the dining room with her 2 girlfriends. My w said to them that we barely go away or do anything. They BOTH said are you crazy?? You go away more than both of us combined. They both said we donít do half of what you guys do. I said to my w see we do, do a lot. She actually then said to them no itís not that much. Itís like she doesnít see any of it. She is in a fantasy world.


They do live in a fantasy world. The sad part is they build the fantasy world to support their narrative that their breaking up the family is required and that their spouse is responsible for that happening.

My sitch is similar to yours. I was a good husband and father and the family was always my priority. I know my exW will leave her fantasy world at some point. She has gone back to treating me with respect now. She also shows signs of wanting to do things for me, but I have reached a point where I no longer care for these touch n go actions. I am getting close to a point where I may not even consider taking her back if she expresses a desire to R.

Originally Posted by Wolfman

Yesterday was a great day!!! I took my kids to a farm to Apple pick, corn maze, hayrides and corn hole. The kids had so much fun we were there for about 5 hours. Then I took them out to eat and did something called slot car racing. We had a awesome day together. It was so much fun. I love those kids more than anything and miss them so much when they are not with me.
Thanks for listening. Comments feedback I look forward too. This forum helps.


Making plans focused on my kids has been very helpful. Spend as much time as you can with them when you have possession. When they are not with you, complete all the other work so that you are spending more time with them when they are with you. If you do that, even though they spend a much smaller percentage of the days with you, you can still keep the effective percentage of 'total meaningful time' spent with you relatively high.


I went through struggles accepting my sitch just as you. Here is my advice based on my experience:
Focus on what you have and not what you don't or what you 'could have had'. You have a life that is still better than a large percentage of the world's population. You are not struggling to meet what is needed for you to have a decent life with all basic needs met. You have two wonderful kids and you get to spend quality time with them. Enjoy the blessings you have in life *today* and you will start recognizing how much happiness is still there in your life!
Keep a positive attitude and you will find that things will get better.

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867080
10/02/19 04:18 PM
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DS9 thank you for that. I have done a lot of reading about MLC. At this point I feel like an expert. I know this is what she is going through. Itís just that I am running out of patience. Itís been over a year and I have hurt way too much. I donít know if I want to be the lighthouse anymore. I just want to start finding the joys in life again.

IH you are right I have spent a lot of time worrying and being depressed about this. First my IC says that this is normal, I am grieving the loss of my marriage. Everyone grieves at different rates. You made a lot of good points about how she interacts with me and other people. I am just being the best person possible. And I am doing it for me. This is the new me if she recognizes it great, if not still great. I needed to go through the pain of this separation/divorce itís the only way I would get better. IH I am now trying to save myself. She is no longer becoming number 1 in my life. Itís me now!!!

MLCxH her fantasy world is out of control. And I see it getting worse. The way she is spending money, her behavior towards me and the kids (very angry) looking for any reason to go out. We have good jobs but the financial hole
She must be putting herself in must be deep. And I know she sees me happy and that pisses her off. I am trying to find little positive things each day to make me happy or smile.

Now onto what happened yesterday. Yesterday I was out with the kids and I received a text from her, that we need to talk when I bring the kids back. I said ok what is it about. She replied we just need to talk face to face. I bring the kids back to the house and she was out. So I got the kids to shower and get ready for bed. I went into the den to watch tv until she got home. When she got home she said hello and got right to it. We need to talk about 2 things. I said ok. The first was about who was Gerri g the kids what days because there were some days off coming up. We took care of that. Second she goes why am I hearing it from 3 separate people that you are dating someone I know. I said what?? I told her I am not dating anyone she knows and that these people are lying. Then she said when had proof of it. I said really? Because it has to be made up because I am born dating anyone she knows. She said I donít know why you need to hide it and I need to hear it from other people. I told her I am not hiding anything. I said who are these people accuse me of dating? She refused to tell me. She said I donít care Iím happy for you just donít know why itís a secret. I said there is no secret itís not true. I told her many people were jealous of our marriage and now that we are going through this there are many people who are ecstatic about our divorce. And they are looking to add more fuel to the fire. So at this point I was so annoyed I said I hope at least she is hot. She said well I donít like this person anyway and you guys are good for each other. I said really. Again I have no idea who you are talking about. Then she actually had the nerve to say. That she was embarrassed to hear this from other people and that they asked her if this was going on during our marriage and if this is the reason for us getting divorced. Iím telling everyone on here she is out of her f mind. I never once had an inappropriate conversation with another woman let alone cheat. I told her you are out of your mind if you believe something was going on during our marriage. She said I donít care just donít know why itís a secret. I soaked you really arenít going to tell me who it is. She said no because then you will hide it more. And she walked away.

I know I shouldnít have engaged in that much conversation, now. But I was totally thrown off guard by that because none of that is true. My question is how should I have handled that? Also, if she is d me and has told me she doesnít have those feelings anymore, why does she care if Iím dating anyway? She wanted me to confess to her but yet says it doesnít matter. The. Why are we even having this conversation? My head is spinning.


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867081
10/02/19 04:19 PM
10/02/19 04:19 PM
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DS9 thank you for that. I have done a lot of reading about MLC. At this point I feel like an expert. I know this is what she is going through. Itís just that I am running out of patience. Itís been over a year and I have hurt way too much. I donít know if I want to be the lighthouse anymore. I just want to start finding the joys in life again.

IH you are right I have spent a lot of time worrying and being depressed about this. First my IC says that this is normal, I am grieving the loss of my marriage. Everyone grieves at different rates. You made a lot of good points about how she interacts with me and other people. I am just being the best person possible. And I am doing it for me. This is the new me if she recognizes it great, if not still great. I needed to go through the pain of this separation/divorce itís the only way I would get better. IH I am now trying to save myself. She is no longer becoming number 1 in my life. Itís me now!!!

MLCxH her fantasy world is out of control. And I see it getting worse. The way she is spending money, her behavior towards me and the kids (very angry) looking for any reason to go out. We have good jobs but the financial hole
She must be putting herself in must be deep. And I know she sees me happy and that pisses her off. I am trying to find little positive things each day to make me happy or smile.

Now onto what happened yesterday. Yesterday I was out with the kids and I received a text from her, that we need to talk when I bring the kids back. I said ok what is it about. She replied we just need to talk face to face. I bring the kids back to the house and she was out. So I got the kids to shower and get ready for bed. I went into the den to watch tv until she got home. When she got home she said hello and got right to it. We need to talk about 2 things. I said ok. The first was about who was Gerri g the kids what days because there were some days off coming up. We took care of that. Second she goes why am I hearing it from 3 separate people that you are dating someone I know. I said what?? I told her I am not dating anyone she knows and that these people are lying. Then she said when had proof of it. I said really? Because it has to be made up because I am born dating anyone she knows. She said I donít know why you need to hide it and I need to hear it from other people. I told her I am not hiding anything. I said who are these people accuse me of dating? She refused to tell me. She said I donít care Iím happy for you just donít know why itís a secret. I said there is no secret itís not true. I told her many people were jealous of our marriage and now that we are going through this there are many people who are ecstatic about our divorce. And they are looking to add more fuel to the fire. So at this point I was so annoyed I said I hope at least she is hot. She said well I donít like this person anyway and you guys are good for each other. I said really. Again I have no idea who you are talking about. Then she actually had the nerve to say. That she was embarrassed to hear this from other people and that they asked her if this was going on during our marriage and if this is the reason for us getting divorced. Iím telling everyone on here she is out of her f mind. I never once had an inappropriate conversation with another woman let alone cheat. I told her you are out of your mind if you believe something was going on during our marriage. She said I donít care just donít know why itís a secret. I soaked you really arenít going to tell me who it is. She said no because then you will hide it more. And she walked away.

I know I shouldnít have engaged in that much conversation, now. But I was totally thrown off guard by that because none of that is true. My question is how should I have handled that? Also, if she is d me and has told me she doesnít have those feelings anymore, why does she care if Iím dating anyway? She wanted me to confess to her but yet says it doesnít matter. The. Why are we even having this conversation? My head is spinning.


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867084
10/02/19 04:28 PM
10/02/19 04:28 PM
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IHCLACS Offline
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Sounds like a lot of rumors, mixed in with phishing for proof that doesn't exist, to satisfy run away thoughts, with a desire to confirm that those thoughts, hunches or alleged or supposed red flags are right. Its drama to confirm those thoughts, or seek attention to engage you. Now ask me how I know this? Good job at not playing into it, especially if it isn't true. Wolf I think your W is BPD with histronic negative thinking. It takes one to know one.

Last edited by IHCLACS; 10/02/19 04:30 PM.
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867086
10/02/19 04:40 PM
10/02/19 04:40 PM
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Sounds like a whole bunch of projecting to me. And I don't think anyone told her anything, she suspects you are involved with OW and is trying to trick you into admitting it by lying and saying everyone is talking about it.


Me 43
He 43
D: 18
D: 12
T: 8 years

Bomb 5/10/2014
Back 7/7/2014

Bomb 2 1/28/2016
Back: 5/2016

Bomb 3 4/3/2017
She moved away with SD: 5/27/2017
Back: 8/1/2018

Bomb 4 9/11/2019
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867089
10/02/19 05:06 PM
10/02/19 05:06 PM
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Thornton said exactly what I was going to say. She was on a fishing expedition. Probably made up the part about anyone telling her anything. She was probably trying to bait you with the "you're dating someone I know" part as well, hoping you'd feel inclined to respond with "you don't know the person I'm dating" and then she would say "AHA so you ARE dating someone!" If this comes up again I would be inclined to simply tell her your dating life is none of her business and then walk away, period. Because it is NOT her business.

Well after my XW and I separated, on a week she had the kids a lady I was seeing spent the night. She left her BMW parked in the driveway. The next morning XW calls me and is sitting in the driveway behind the BMW because one of the kids had left something at my house and she needed it for school. I took it out to her and wished her a good day. Did I explain why there was a car there or who's it was or apologize or act embarrassed? NO it is NONE OF HER BUSINESS. She fired me as H, took off and rented a house. What do I owe her after that?

It's none of her business Wolfie. This is YOUR life now to do with as you please.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: AnotherStander] #2867094
10/02/19 05:26 PM
10/02/19 05:26 PM
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Hi Wolf,

This happens to me regularly. Not the dating but an outright accusation of cheating. Total guilt transference/projection.

I hate it. It makes me feel horrible. (Based on previous triggers) I'm not in any position to date or anything else.

Quote
She fired me as H


That's exactly the term I've been looking for for myself and the W as a short and sweet reason I've withdrawn. I'll use that instead of busting out all of the specific individual reasons. I don't ever verbalize them. Just the reasons going on in my head.

You fired me as your H...

Perfectly stated.


Me 56
W 42
T14
M12
ILYBINILWY 08/07/19
BD 08/11/19 Discovered
Whaaaat?
2 Kids
One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18
One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19
Separate BR 08/15/19
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867101
10/02/19 07:33 PM
10/02/19 07:33 PM
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IHCLACS Offline
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As AS said. Always be the one to walk away first in all conversations. Especially the ones containing pre-meditated drama to rope you in. You see what she did there Wolf? She projected, then puled a power play by walking away first. I am going to say this because I am the semi dramatic emotional one within reason in a relationship. There were times I wanted to continue the convos in my sich over the last 12 months because I had further thoughts that needed to be expressed, thus stirring the drama pot a little. My XW is doing what they call "Emotional Gray Rock" and I am too, to an extent, where they will shut down all emotional interactions with you, happy, sad, whatever. To "protect themselves" Almost like going NC. Interactions. Your XW probably won't accuse you of it again, and either is misinformed, projecting, or fishing for drama and temp checking. If you ever find yourself in that spot again with anyone, where they accuse you of something you know isn't true. After defending tour position once and only once, I would indifferently or cheering say something like : "Ok ... If you say and think so?" And be the first to walk away. Why should their opinion of you matter to you if it isn't true? The more you defend yourself, the more it cements the idea in their head that it is true. Should have fended you see her "imaginary proof" She's acting like a child, so treat her like one. Remove yourself from any and all situations that has nothing to do with the kids.

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867104
10/02/19 07:51 PM
10/02/19 07:51 PM
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Great article on relationship habituation. Too bad too little too late for me. But great article. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/habit-continuity-creates-stronger-more-intimate-relationship

Last edited by IHCLACS; 10/02/19 07:52 PM.
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: IHCLACS] #2867188
10/03/19 04:12 PM
10/03/19 04:12 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by IHCLACS
Wolf I think your W is BPD with histronic negative thinking. It takes one to know one.


You really think so? I really donít know who she is anymore. Certainly not the woman I married. I miss the woman I married but it looks like she is gone!!!

Originally Posted by Thornton
Sounds like a whole bunch of projecting to me. And I don't think anyone told her anything, she suspects you are involved with OW and is trying to trick you into admitting it by lying and saying everyone is talking about it.


Again my question is why? At this point why does she care? She is the one who wants divorce? Why does she care if I am dating? Is it because she is losing her planB?

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
..."you're dating someone I know" part as well, hoping you'd feel inclined to respond with "you don't know the person I'm dating" and then she would say "AHA so you ARE dating someone!"

It's none of her business Wolfie. This is YOUR life now to do with as you please.


At this point why would she care? Why does she want to ďcatchĒ me dating someone? Is it ok for me to date?

Originally Posted by IHCLACS
She's acting like a child, so treat her like one. Remove yourself from any and all situations that has nothing to do with the kids.


She is absolutely acting like a selfish child. Again, no idea who this woman is. She only focuses on the negative in life but has made me enemy #1. She has become even more self absorbed, on her phone 24/7, constantly yelling at the kids and doesnít want to be bothered with them. She has done a 180 from the person I married.

I call the kids every morning to wish them a good day at school. I always ask them how did they sleep, are they getting ready, are they behaving, what they had for breakfast. So yesterday morning I call my d and ask the same questions, she just gives me one word answers. Then my s gets on and ask the same questions. My w gets on and says why do you ask them what they have for breakfast? Do you think I donít feed them in the morning? I said I know you do just have a conversation with my kids. She said I donít understand why you need to know what they are eating. I said itís because they donít say much and just trying to get them to talk. She went on a little more about it. The. We ha g up and I get a text from her: I guess I should be asking them what they eat when they are with you?

I respond: Iím just striking up conversation with them. They donít say much.

She responds:I canít imaging you would be checking up bc I have always fed my children well and make them eat even when they arenít hungry.

I have no idea where this is coming from. I ask the same questions every morning just to get them to talk. She is losing her mind.

Feelings thoughts?


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867192
10/03/19 04:55 PM
10/03/19 04:55 PM
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Thornton Offline
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Wolf,

I can relate to your thought process as you try to reconcile in your mind how this all happened.

Bottom line, your W needs to think of you as the devil in order to justify her decisions/actions. She is going to keep doing this for awhile.

Keep in mind that she will also try and bait you into fights so she can rationalize and justify her actions to herself and others. Don't fall for her tricks and never react to whatever you might be feeling. Come here to vent if you need to.


Me 43
He 43
D: 18
D: 12
T: 8 years

Bomb 5/10/2014
Back 7/7/2014

Bomb 2 1/28/2016
Back: 5/2016

Bomb 3 4/3/2017
She moved away with SD: 5/27/2017
Back: 8/1/2018

Bomb 4 9/11/2019
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867194
10/03/19 05:02 PM
10/03/19 05:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
At this point why would she care? Why does she want to ďcatchĒ me dating someone? Is it ok for me to date?


As the old saying goes, she doesn't want you but she doesn't want anyone else to have you either. She wants to do whatever she wants, but she wants you to sit and mope and pine for her and live like a monk for the rest of your life.

Quote
I have no idea where this is coming from. I ask the same questions every morning just to get them to talk. She is losing her mind.


She's paranoid. She's probably worried you are trying to build a case against her to take the kids away. Maybe start asking them other things, like tell them you're going to the store and ask them what they'd like you to get them to eat for breakfast when they're at your house.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Thornton] #2867287
10/04/19 01:27 PM
10/04/19 01:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Thornton
Wolf,
Bottom line, your W needs to think of you as the devil in order to justify her decisions/actions. She is going to keep doing this for awhile.

Keep in mind that she will also try and bait you into fights so she can rationalize and justify her actions to herself and others. Don't fall for her tricks and never react to whatever you might be feeling. Come here to vent if you need to.


I know she has to constantly make me out to be the bad guy. This was way she feels justified in divorcing me. She looks for anything and everything to point out or find the bad in what I do. I will not get roped into fighting or arguing with her, I know thatís what she wants.

AS I agree with you. She doesnít want me but does t want me with anyone either. She likes the idea of plan b. Well I donít want to be plan b anymore. Itís time for me to move on. Itís amazing how selfish these WAW become. She is in for a rude awakening. She thinks I will always be there for her. The other night she text me at 10:30 at night about a form she needs. I didnít respond, I was in bed. She text me again with (?). I didnít respond. Then 5 minutes later why donít you ever respond to me. Still I did not respond. Then she called me twice and I did not answer. Then yesterday morning she called me at 5:50am. I was just getting up for work, so I answered the phone. She said why didnít you respond to me last night. I said I was in bed. Her response was so early? I said yes, what do you want? But she has been use to our relationship where I jump for her all the time. Now that I am not she is getting mad. Oh well. Once everything is signed and done and she is officially my xw it will solely be about the kids and nothing else. She will be my business partner and we are in the business of raising our kids. I am so done with her. My sadness is slowly turning into hatred. I will treat her the same way she treats me, cold.


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867290
10/04/19 02:05 PM
10/04/19 02:05 PM
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neffer Offline
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Wolf, the lighthouse shines for who she was, not for who she is now. Keep that light on. It illumintates your family road, your chlidren are following it. Respect and honor.

Detach some more. Still too many "she"s.


Respect and honor Wolf. You are on that road

(((W)))


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867292
10/04/19 02:14 PM
10/04/19 02:14 PM
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Thornton Offline
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Be careful, Wolf. The anger you feel right now might not be how you will feel in a day, a month etc.

I wouldn't act cold towards your W, even if she's acting like an ass. Take the high road, your son is watching.


Me 43
He 43
D: 18
D: 12
T: 8 years

Bomb 5/10/2014
Back 7/7/2014

Bomb 2 1/28/2016
Back: 5/2016

Bomb 3 4/3/2017
She moved away with SD: 5/27/2017
Back: 8/1/2018

Bomb 4 9/11/2019
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867302
10/04/19 03:31 PM
10/04/19 03:31 PM
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IHCLACS Offline
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If we all had awesome social lives, status, purpise, motivation, ambition, passion, and drive, we wouldn't be so hung up on our sich and our WAS. We wouldn't be looking for someone that is not currently there. We wouldn't be depressed. We need to heal ourselves, focus on ourselves, and live for ourselves.

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867306
10/04/19 03:46 PM
10/04/19 03:46 PM
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neffer Offline
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Amen to that IH!


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867307
10/04/19 03:56 PM
10/04/19 03:56 PM
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IHCLACS Offline
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Wolf if she is acting like an A$$hat. Does that mean you have to too? You want to bring change how you respond to her Wolf? Others too? You want to attract what you want and who you want to be in life? Start treating those that matter as such, and those that don't will not affect you. Their opinion of you is more important than your own as of you right now. What do you think you can do for yourself to change that? Good job on the NC.

Last edited by IHCLACS; 10/04/19 03:57 PM.
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867343
10/04/19 07:21 PM
10/04/19 07:21 PM
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IHCLACS Offline
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Here is a wise saying I heard yesterday that maybe will help with your mindset.
"When someone shows you their true colors the first time...BELIEVE THEM!"

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867437
10/06/19 12:16 AM
10/06/19 12:16 AM
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Ready2Change Offline
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Projection and fishing.


H"The LAST thing I need in my life right now is ANOTHER woman." Whit the proper tone and accentuation.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: IHCLACS] #2867870
10/10/19 01:47 PM
10/10/19 01:47 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by neffer
Wolf, the lighthouse shines for who she was, not for who she is now. (((W)))


Very true. She is not the same person I married. Itís so sad who she has become. She is a full blown Narcissist. She only cares about herself and how she feels, no one else. It shows when she has her 75 year old father closing the pool and having him take care of the landscaping. Her mom cleans the inside of the house. Step up and be an mature adult and take care of these things yourself. Her sense of entitlement is disgusting.

Originally Posted by IHCLACS
If we all had awesome social lives, status, purpise, motivation, ambition, passion, and drive, we wouldn't be so hung up on our sich and our WAS. We wouldn't be looking for someone that is not currently there. We wouldn't be depressed. We need to heal ourselves, focus on ourselves, and live for ourselves.


Very true. I think for me itís the idea of starting all over again that makes it hard. I had all those things you mentioned, it was with my family or for my family. Once that changed I felt lost. Little by little Iím finding my way. For me itís be a very slow process.

Thank you everyone else for commenting. I am taking it one day at a time. I am slowly getting better and excepting what is. I donít cry as often, I am happier more, people see a change in me. For me I still have a long way to go. The loss of family is so hard for me. Even when I was a kid I just loved being with family. The final stipulation has been drawn up and we will be signing soon. Itís hard to imagine that I will officially be a single dad. Got to run I will be on again later. Thanks you everyone for your love and support it has helped so much!!!!


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867876
10/10/19 03:26 PM
10/10/19 03:26 PM
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Ready2Change Offline
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
Her sense of entitlement is disgusting.
Her parents enabled her. Learn the leason and do not enable your children.

Parenting with love and logic- everyone pulls their own wagon. We can temporarily help, but do not do things for your kids that they are capable of.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867971
10/11/19 05:03 AM
10/11/19 05:03 AM
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Way to go Wolf! Like me, you were lost, but you're finding your way and on the right path. Cheers, DS


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867989
10/11/19 01:30 PM
10/11/19 01:30 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Had a brief conversation with w last night on the phone. I know I made a mistake but I needed to say it. She called me to tell me the lawyer wrote up the new stipulation and if I looked it over yet. I said I didnít because my phone hasnít been working. (Just got a new battery for iPhone it kept crashing) She said I need to look it over so she can buy me out, the bank needs that. I said sure no problem. I said you sure you want to do this? She said, you still donít get it? I said I absolutely do, you donít have to explain it to me again. She said, you still donít want this? I said absolutely not. I said how could you ask me that? I said no way I want this. I also said, itís your decision and I canít stop you but I donít want this. She was silent on the other end for about 30 seconds. She said I wish things could have been different. She wishes there is something she could do. I wanted to say you can do something work on the marriage. but she is past the point of no return. Then said there was so thing else I wanted to talk to you about but canít remember. When I said that, I felt like she was in shock, like she thinks I want a divorce now. Thatís why sometimes I feel like time and space is doing exactly that, creating space. I canít imagine how she would think I want d? I guess I have to just accept the inevitable.


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867993
10/11/19 02:01 PM
10/11/19 02:01 PM
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Please start a new thread and link the two threads together.

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867995
10/11/19 02:10 PM
10/11/19 02:10 PM
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LH19 Offline
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
She said, you still donít get it? I said I absolutely do, you donít have to explain it to me again.

So I am curious Wolf that if you wanted to get kicked in the nuts again (and you did), why not try to get the closure you're looking for from her? Why not say, I don't understand can you explain it to me? Because you certainly don't get it because you're on here at least once a week saying " I will never understand why my w wants a d all the problems are fixable".

Time and space will give her the opportunity to see if you are the reason she is unhappy and to see if she misses you. It will also give you the opportunity to see that life goes on and your happiness and identity isn't tied to the marriage. As time goes by and her resentment fades and your idealization of the marriage you thought you had disapates there may come a time where you both decide that maybe the life you had was good .Maybe it can be even better with the two of you working towards a new relationship. Only time will tell.

The bottom line is you want to be with someone who chooses, respects and wants to be with you.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: LH19] #2868002
10/11/19 02:52 PM
10/11/19 02:52 PM
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IHCLACS Offline
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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Wolfman
She said, you still donít get it? I said I absolutely do, you donít have to explain it to me again.


Time and space will give her the opportunity to see if you are the reason she is unhappy and to see if she misses you. It will also give you the opportunity to see that life goes on and your happiness and identity isn't tied to the marriage. As time goes by and her resentment fades and your idealization of the marriage you thought you had disapates there may come a time where you both decide that maybe the life you had was good .Maybe it can be even better with the two of you working towards a new relationship. Only time will tell.

The bottom line is you want to be with someone who chooses, respects and wants to be with you.


I was in the middle of a similar post and, realization, and summization this morning. I was on the realization of happiness and identity being tied to the M as well as resentment and misery. People don't really know why they are unhappy when they are or were so close to someone, and if the other person is the reason, or if it is they themselves (the other person, or you.) Will post later on what I observed last night. Keep remembering this. Hammer it into your heads. Happiness is a choice. Just like love marriage and commitment is a choice. The feelings are the fruits or the results of that choice. It comes from within. It doesn't come from extertal gratification or novelty. LH19 take that quote and put it in the record books.

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2868048
10/11/19 08:55 PM
10/11/19 08:55 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
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