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A Message from Michele
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Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865151
09/12/19 07:40 PM
09/12/19 07:40 PM
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Posts: 178
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HopeCA Offline
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R2C,

Iíd be curious to hear examples of words of affirmation that donít come across as needy or pursuant?

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865162
09/12/19 09:14 PM
09/12/19 09:14 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,065
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sandi2 Offline
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Quote
I have a question. I have been reading 5 love langueages and man does it explain a lot. I definitely messed up my wifeís love language. I was wondering, can I give her a copy?


I think she would naturally resist any reading/listening material that you suggest or give her. I love this book but seldom suggest the LBS read it. Why? B/c they react in the very same way you did.

Quote
2 reasons why; 1 Maybe she would see I was trying I got her love language wrong.


No, Wolf, it would only give her more reason to be angry with you.

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2 it talks about not being in love anymore but love is a choice and it can come back if we fill a personís ďlove tankĒ. I donít know, it might be a stretch.


Oh no, she would really buck up about this one. Choosing to love is polar opposite from what she wants.

Quote
I really wish I read this book a long time ago. I know now spending time and words of affirmation is her 2 love languages. Not buying gifts and doing things. Sad how I screwed that up!!


I suspect we all had similar thoughts or feelings after reading the book. We don't know what we don't know. Now that you know, go forward implementing what you know. cool


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Ready2Change] #2865171
09/12/19 10:32 PM
09/12/19 10:32 PM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 362
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
Youíre trying logic and reason again.


That is definitely my problem. I am constantly using logic when she is not. I have always been a logical person. Iím sorry LH I know you have told me this a bunch of times. I guess when there is a problem a try to solve it and I keep thinking how I am going to solve the problem. But in this instance I have to let it go. There is no logical explanation for what she is doing.

Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I was wondering, can I give her a copy?
No.

Quote
if we fill a personís ďlove tankĒ.... I know now spending time and words of affirmation is her 2 love languages.
Right now, just fill her love bucket with words of affirmation in a non-needy way.
Use your logic and reasoning to make changes in your behavior that will make her think of you differently. Her thoughts will then make her feel differently about you.

How do I do those 2 things. Words of affirmation in a non needy way. What behavior do I need to change?


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865172
09/12/19 10:33 PM
09/12/19 10:33 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 1,909
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neffer Offline
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
There is one thing that really stands out that you said and it was your search for freedom. That you wanted to be free


Thatīs MLC selfishness. Waywardness is part of it. And some unknown misteries that were there in my childhood. Faced some of them, working to face other.


Originally Posted by Wolfman
You also mentioned you w did not put in the work. What could she have done to help the situation?

She did. She let me go. Thatīs why I came back. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I started wondering why I did what I did. My inner journey started around that time. I was doing IC and I found this forum. I was saved!


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865173
09/12/19 10:38 PM
09/12/19 10:38 PM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 362
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Sandi thanks for the advice. Itís so sad and hard thatbwhen they are in this state of mind there is nothing we can say at this point that will help our cause. I have changed my behavior and so far proved to her I am not the same person. But I once heard you canít undo years of ďhurtĒ in only a few months. Itís really sad weíre she is mentally too. Tomorrow is my sonís back to school picnic. Itís after school. My w is not coming, itís friday she is going out to happy hour with her friends. Definitely not something she WOULD HAVE EVER DONE!!! But she is in teenage mentality and just wants to party.


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865174
09/12/19 10:42 PM
09/12/19 10:42 PM
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neffer Offline
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You need to focus on yourself Wolf. You know that.


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865184
09/12/19 11:16 PM
09/12/19 11:16 PM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 161
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jac12 Offline
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Wolf, as you know my W is the same. Her need for fun and time with friends is the priority over our son. It's sad, but that's why I'm there for him as much as I can be.

I don't understand it - but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: HopeCA] #2865253
09/13/19 04:15 PM
09/13/19 04:15 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,308
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by HopeCA
R2C,

Iíd be curious to hear examples of words of affirmation that donít come across as needy or pursuant?


It would be something like she helps the kids with homework and you say "you are really a wonderful mother, they are very lucky to have someone like you!" Or she mentions something positive at work and you say "You've always been such a dedicated worker, I'm glad to hear that's paying off for you!"

Most guys get this wrong, they think words of affirmation are things like "wow your butt looks great in that" or "my don't your boobs look huge in that top." NOOOOO that is not what it means, LOL!


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: jac12] #2865276
09/13/19 07:45 PM
09/13/19 07:45 PM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 362
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by neffer
You need to focus on yourself Wolf. You know that.


I do. I am trying real hard to just focus on myself. Not something I am use to but I have no choice now.

Originally Posted by jac12

I don't understand it - but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

So true. I guess I was always a fixer and trying to make things right all the time. But where she is in her life I definitely canít and have to step back.

AS basically they are compliments. I do that all the time for her. Tell her what a wonderful mother she is and what a great teacher she is and how lucky those kids are to have her as a teacher. I never talk about her appearance. Just things that she has done and how good she is.

I have my kids today and looking to have fun with them. My s has a back to school picnic in a little while so Iím looking forward to that. Tomorrow my s has a flag football game in the morning. Canít wait watch him tomorrow. Then afterwards going to city for a beer crawl with some friends.


M:40 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:11 S:8
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18
BD: 10/18
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2865281
09/13/19 08:05 PM
09/13/19 08:05 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 3,022
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LH19 Online
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LH19  Online
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W,

Interesting that you tell her sheís a great mother all the time when you are always questioning her parenting on the board.

Do you finish NMMNG? What did you take away from it?


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
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