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A Message from Michele
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Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2 [Re: DaB35] #2864648
09/09/19 10:15 AM
09/09/19 10:15 AM
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DaB35 Offline OP
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I ALWAYS sorted out the money as far as the house was concerned. She has a fear of 'ringing them up' as she jokingly said - she hates calling up any major companies - banks, insurance, tax office, anything important.

I would always have to organise the bills, took the meter readings, sorted out direct debit payments, spoke to the mortgage provider when necessary, gave her tax advice, looked at energy bills and switched if needed, added up what we spent each month then told her what she owed.

Anything 'important' or major relating to finance was my job.

This is why I'm thinking pushing this back to her. It's HER choice so she should lead on it.

OK I'll suggest this weekend then. I don't want to meet in the week.
I will email over the cost summary later today.

Sound good?


I really don't think I could afford to take on the house myself. The other thing is that it's *nowhere* near my work or family - 40-45miles - so whilst I keep it, I'll be living on my own like she is.
Not that bothersome for me, but I'll be a way from family/friends.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2 [Re: Vapo] #2864650
09/09/19 10:19 AM
09/09/19 10:19 AM
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Posts: 476
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Vapo
I f I were a betting man, I'd be willing to put up a few quid on the idea, that your W is polishing someone else's bishop. And is using your "transgression" to justify the divorce and to shame you into giving in to all her demands.

Sorry to be blunt, but I call it as I see it.


I'm not so sure. She is so adamant that she would never cheat, full stop. However she did say once, "how should we sort this out? Should I cheat on someone?!" Not sure if she was joking. Anyway, it'd be a totally different scenario, seeing as my infidelity is entirely online (no that being only online justifies it and makes it less hurtful to her, I get that).

I don't think she's seeing someone else. She would say "If you met someone else and wanted to be with them, I'd rather you told me instead of keeping it from me." Even when this didn't happen, she'd bring it up when things were fine between us, before and after marriage. I always thought that was weird. She definitely has insecurity issues that an IC should be addressing, but as I say, she refuses to take it.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2 [Re: DaB35] #2864651
09/09/19 10:21 AM
09/09/19 10:21 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 450
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DS9 Offline
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Yes mate just tell her youíll meet up and do whats needed to buy time. Go through the motions with the broker. Heck go through several! If you know the answer already thatís ok as youíre buying time. Thatís what you want isnít it?

Yes let her lead. Youíre too busy with your new work project!


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2 [Re: DaB35] #2864655
09/09/19 10:44 AM
09/09/19 10:44 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,144
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Vapo Offline
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Originally Posted by Dan35
Originally Posted by Vapo
I f I were a betting man, I'd be willing to put up a few quid on the idea, that your W is polishing someone else's bishop. And is using your "transgression" to justify the divorce and to shame you into giving in to all her demands.

Sorry to be blunt, but I call it as I see it.


I'm not so sure. She is so adamant that she would never cheat, full stop. However she did say once, "how should we sort this out? Should I cheat on someone?!" Not sure if she was joking. Anyway, it'd be a totally different scenario, seeing as my infidelity is entirely online (no that being only online justifies it and makes it less hurtful to her, I get that).

I don't think she's seeing someone else. She would say "If you met someone else and wanted to be with them, I'd rather you told me instead of keeping it from me." Even when this didn't happen, she'd bring it up when things were fine between us, before and after marriage. I always thought that was weird. She definitely has insecurity issues that an IC should be addressing, but as I say, she refuses to take it.


The timing, the 3 week silence and the unusual sex drive right before the split up is a tell tale sign for me.

One other thing is a certainty also: No amount of pleading, ass kissing, shoe lickin', groveling puppy eyed behavior will bring her back. You've apologized enough. Even if she had a miraculous change of heart and decides to come back, would you be willing to live the rest of your life with your W dangling your "transgression" over your head the whole time?

You have to forgive yourself. Yes you F'd up, so what. We all f'u from time to time. On the scale of f'ups (the scale going from 1 (insignificant) to 10 (deffo marriage wrecker)), your transgression measures 2, maybe 3 on the $hitometer. On the end of the day, if your wife wants out, you have to let her go. If she decides to come back, you have a chance then, but if she decides to stay away, she was never your to begin with...

Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2 [Re: DaB35] #2864657
09/09/19 10:53 AM
09/09/19 10:53 AM
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Drafted this (email):

"Here is a summary of the 3 agents and their prices, based on 4 different prices increasing by £5k each time. (attachment)†

I appreciate that you are anxious to move forward with selling our house, so I am therefore happy to leave the organisation of getting it on sale in your hands especially since you are at the house more†than me.

My preference is {name of agent} as we will each end up with over £1,000 more compared to the other two.†

I am also waiting for {bank name} to contact me, as we may have to get one of their own valuers to look at the house instead of the agents, which will cost more money.

I am busy during the week but free at the weekend. Let's meet up Sunday afternoon, and I can collect the mail also.

Thanks - glad the arrangement* went down well."

*(this is the bit of work I posted to her that she thanked me for at the weekend)


I think this is ok - I'm not angry, don't think there's any passive-aggressive styuff in there, and I'm being neutral and unconfrontational.


VAPO - I forgave myself a while ago. I am not a bad man. I messed up and I'm taking care of my issues. At this stage I'm thinking, it's her loss. My parents believe that she will regret reacting to this extent, but won't ever admit it as she's too proud.

Last edited by Dan35; 09/09/19 10:54 AM.

Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2 [Re: DaB35] #2864677
09/09/19 01:15 PM
09/09/19 01:15 PM
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Well our mortgage broker is going to call me later this afternoon and go through a few figures to see if I can actually afford the house on my own.

Have sent the email. I removed a few lines, and didn't say "glad the arrangement went well." I just said "thanks for letting me know about the mail." and then put my name.

I do still want to be a lighthouse for my W. Is the best way to do this just to appear happy and content, and show her that I am not a horrible person after all?

Last edited by Dan35; 09/09/19 01:24 PM.

Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2 [Re: DaB35] #2864683
09/09/19 02:02 PM
09/09/19 02:02 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,144
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Vapo Offline
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Originally Posted by Dan35
Well our mortgage broker is going to call me later this afternoon and go through a few figures to see if I can actually afford the house on my own.

Have sent the email. I removed a few lines, and didn't say "glad the arrangement went well." I just said "thanks for letting me know about the mail." and then put my name.

I do still want to be a lighthouse for my W. Is the best way to do this just to appear happy and content, and show her that I am not a horrible person after all?


Life is too precious and short to spend it wondering what other people think. As the old saying goes: "Opinions are like a$$holes, everybody's got one."

You have to quit pondering what will make your W turn towards you. A strong confidant man will do that. And not somebody wishy washy pussy footing around. You cannot nice your W back. No amount of hoovering, cleaning, laundry work will say to her that's my man. There is no silver bullet, magic word that will reset your situation.

Just pour yourself a nice tall glass of STFU juice and focus on yourself, your growth and development. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and get your a$$ in gear.

Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2 [Re: DaB35] #2864698
09/09/19 02:30 PM
09/09/19 02:30 PM
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Posts: 476
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Wow- tough! smile

I can't do anything in the house for her, since I haven't lived there for a few months now!

I am focussing on me. I am sorting things - it is hard but now I find I have only bad moments rather than whole bad days. My view now is it is her loss! I was great for her; I was really great for her. Yes, I messed up. But I'm a good person and I'm happy thinking that about myself.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2 [Re: DaB35] #2864713
09/09/19 03:59 PM
09/09/19 03:59 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,802
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AnotherStander Online
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Originally Posted by Dan35
Drafted this (email):


That's good. Sounds like you followed DS9's excellent suggestions.

Quote
My parents believe that she will regret reacting to this extent, but won't ever admit it as she's too proud.


There's always a lot of mind-reading to go around after BD. Everyone engages in it- you, her, your parents, her parents, friends, family, strangers, the mailman. None of it matters a whit.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2 [Re: DaB35] #2864728
09/09/19 05:07 PM
09/09/19 05:07 PM
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Thanks for the advice here. I've sent it. I haven't told her I've sent it.

My broker has said that I am not able to afford the house by myself - my salary would have to almost double! Might happen when I'm 50 but not at 36, so selling is the only option.

There is another £500 charge that I need ot inform W about. I'll just do that when I see her. I thought I took the lead in saying "let's meet Sunday", not options, just that day and that's it. I've said I'm busy. I won't give her any further info.

I am feeling a little better today. I'm now just saying to myself 'her loss' if I feel sad. I was perfect for her frankly. I won't tell her that; just hoping that she will realise that herself in time. When I see her on Sunday I'm going to look as attractive as possible and give off a lot of positivity.

Good things:
Passed exams, therefore pay rise on the cards soon
Therapist says I've made such good progress I don't have to see them weekly
Saving money when possible
Exercising and eating well
Walking regularly
Speaking to family and friends more frequently
Enjoying hobbies and going out alone to events
Don't feel shameful anymore about what I did - just remorse but am channelling that into really addressing my issues and sorting things out
Not feeling like I'm a failure
I am feeling happier when I look in the mirror


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
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