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Moving soon #2864607
09/08/19 10:50 PM
09/08/19 10:50 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864609
09/08/19 11:11 PM
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Originally Posted by "kas99"
If my WAH knows I'm on new meds and am getting better does this increase my chances of him coming back years down the road? Please don't tell me that by that time I won't care anymore. I need hope today.

Hi Kas,

I considered this for you today. I left my ex-wife because of her mental health issues.. but after I checked out 9yrs ago.. I'd have needed more than that to give it another shot. Key issues: stinginess (zero vacations in our 5-year marriage), mediocre sex (her parents had separate bedrooms), no hobbies (and wouldn't join mine after marriage). That said, if I saw evidence of change in multiple dimensions (e.g., healthy, taking the kids on interesting vacations, joined some group that related to a hobby)? She could've had a shot! A slow, slow shot. Obviously, making the family "gel" is far easier with an ex partner!

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/08/19 11:16 PM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Moving soon [Re: CWarrior] #2864615
09/09/19 12:21 AM
09/09/19 12:21 AM
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I considered this for you today. I left my ex-wife because of her mental health issues.. but after I checked out 9yrs ago.. I'd have needed more than that to give it another shot. Key issues: stinginess (zero vacations in our 5-year marriage), mediocre sex (her parents had separate bedrooms), no hobbies (and wouldn't join mine after marriage). That said, if I saw evidence of change in multiple dimensions (e.g., healthy, taking the kids on interesting vacations, joined some group that related to a hobby)? She could've had a shot! A slow, slow shot. Obviously, making the family "gel" is far easier with an ex partner!


Thank you so much for answering me.

Lets see I'm not stingy, we had great sex, we had shared hobbies, we took vacations, etc. The day he BD he said I was witty, hot and that he'd miss the sex. Then he went onto my flaws and said I'd never change.

Here is where I screwed up. My anxiety drove my anger (a huge problem) and my controlling behavior. I was beyond needy (anxiety) and would get angry if he left me. Not all the time no but I did struggle with being alone. Then there was the depression. I felt like I was a in fog just going through the motions. When stressed I'd do the classic losing interest in things. So anger (anxiety) and depression.

I'm now on Elavil which is an anti depressant/anti anxiety med combo. The anxiety and depression are gone. I'm calm and for the most part my mood is good. There isn't a pill that can take this type of sadness go away.

My kids tell him I'm a different person.

I was just wondering if once he's done being angry at me would he try again once I've proved I've fixed it.

Or he is just done?

Thoughts?

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864666
09/09/19 12:26 PM
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CWarrior it will take years for him to let go of resentment and anger. Because I couldn't be alone he assumes I will date immediately. Yes I've had problems flirting too much. I've already talked to a guy since he left so he's not wrong. It was online and I ended it when he started making plans to visit me. It was then that I realized that I needed to fix that too. I decided to focus on my kids and besides I need to learn how to be alone.

I've got quite a few things to fix I'm aware. I just wanted some hope, something to hold onto. He's my best friend and the love of my life. 30 years is a lot

Last edited by kas99; 09/09/19 12:36 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864670
09/09/19 12:41 PM
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Hey kas, I figure youíve read about the time and patience thing dozen of times. Just give yourself that. Time and patience. Keep knowing yourself better, keep growing as a whole person. You need to face that consciously. Thatís the way to fight anxiety. Trust yourself, respect yourself. Be the lighthouse.

Time and patience.

Hope.

(((Kas)))


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Moving soon [Re: neffer] #2864676
09/09/19 01:13 PM
09/09/19 01:13 PM
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Hey kas, I figure youíve read about the time and patience thing dozen of times. Just give yourself that. Time and patience. Keep knowing yourself better, keep growing as a whole person. You need to face that consciously. Thatís the way to fight anxiety. Trust yourself, respect yourself. Be the lighthouse.


Meds have calmed my brain down enough so I can be patient. I sometimes wonder if WAH has noticed. Before meds I would have worn him out with calls and text messages. I've cooperated, been patient, haven't bothered him, I never contact him unless he contacts me first. It wasn't manipulative I just didn't see the point fighting someone who wants to leave me. Might hurt l like hell but I will let him go.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864680
09/09/19 01:42 PM
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When my parents disowned me I had hope they'd come back. I needed to have hope. My parents did come back a year later. By then I was just strong enough to agree only if they attended counseling with me. Before the year I would have swept the whole thing under the rug just to get them back.

I need to have hope now. Right now he's free doing all the things I wouldn't let him do. Free from the nagging and the controlling behavior. I have to believe that at some point after he's had his fill of freedom he will miss me and the kids. That he will wonder if my changes are permanent. I'm sure he will date so then I pray he doesn't replace me.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864684
09/09/19 02:08 PM
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Well, all changes are for yourself. You grow as awoafwl. Then is gonna be his loss.

Have hope. Live reality. You wait for no one. GAL, DB!

Be the lighthouse. Light illuminates lives. Shine there!


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Moving soon [Re: neffer] #2864701
09/09/19 02:46 PM
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Originally Posted by neffer
Well, all changes are for yourself. You grow as awoafwl. Then is gonna be his loss.

Have hope. Live reality. You wait for no one. GAL, DB!

Be the lighthouse. Light illuminates lives. Shine there!


I'm changing for me and my kids. Once I get better it will be his loss.

I am the lighthouse. Yesterday I wanted to nap but one by one my kids wanted my full attention and I gave it to them. I see their faces light up as I listen intently to every word they say. This is part of the new me and seeing them happy makes me happy.

If I wait on him or put my life on hold I lose everything. I'm so tired and I'm tempted to call in sick or sleep all weekend. Thing is I do this I lose not only my chance with WAH but I damage the relationships with my kids that I've worked so hard for.

This is why I need hope right now. I'm 5.5 months separated and hope is what keeps me going. I know he isn't coming back anytime soon my hope is for years out.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864704
09/09/19 03:10 PM
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You take care consciously of yourself. Just as you have been doing. Keep growing as a person and being the role model your kids should follow. Keep doing what work for you.

Be strong. It takes time. Keep DB kas!


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864706
09/09/19 03:27 PM
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I've read plenty of "they came back" stories. They usually end with it was too late or they tried again and failed. I will fail until I change permanently. I will fail until I no longer need him.

A big part of why people try again is because well yes it's easier to fix an old relationship than build a new one.

Please give me hope. Is it true if he had the courage to do this after 30 years he's done?

Last edited by kas99; 09/09/19 03:30 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864710
09/09/19 03:53 PM
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I feel guilty for calling my attorney. I feel like a separation agreement puts me on the fast track to divorce.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864711
09/09/19 03:54 PM
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K,

I know your a numbers person as am I and I know it can be comforting to have the odds in your favor. Before my w filed I stumbled onto some sort of divorce calculator based on information you type in. How long married, education, if our parents were divorced etc. My score came back we had a 6% chance of getting divorced. Guess what? We got divorced. You are never going to know how the future unravels. If you did, wouldnít life be pretty boring?

Continue to fix yourself and that will continue to increase the odds.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Moving soon [Re: LH19] #2864729
09/09/19 05:08 PM
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I know your a numbers person as am I and I know it can be comforting to have the odds in your favor. Before my w filed I stumbled onto some sort of divorce calculator based on information you type in. How long married, education, if our parents were divorced etc. My score came back we had a 6% chance of getting divorced. Guess what? We got divorced. You are never going to know how the future unravels. If you did, wouldnít life be pretty boring?

Continue to fix yourself and that will continue to increase the odds.


I'm moving in 6 weeks and WAH is so done with me. He'd rather work 16 hours a day, live in a camper, have a kid disown him that be married to me. Could I be hated anymore than this?

The glimmer of hope I have is yes fixing myself. The kids have seen me do a 180 and since he's unhappy they've preferred being with me. He hates this and yet we both expect me to fail (yes both of us). Change is hard work and he will know if I fail.

Right now he'd probably love it if I failed because then the kids would gravitate to him.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864731
09/09/19 05:16 PM
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My 14 year old made me a bracelet and I wear it everyday. I would NEVER have done this before. I know awful right? She and I weren't close (WAH hated this about me) so she wouldn't have made me a bracelet anyway. This morning I left it on the bathroom counter and she brings it to me "you almost forgot this". Yes I did and it was an accident. I've got it on now.

Last edited by kas99; 09/09/19 05:18 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864734
09/09/19 05:22 PM
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I say these things wondering if this would increase my odds. Would you want to come back to someone who changed this much? I swear I'm nothing like the person I was when he left. At first it was manipulative yes but its hard to stop now because I'd have to look at the disappointed looks on my kids faces. I couldn't bear that.

I know it will take years before he (and I) believe this will stick. If I were him I wouldn't come back for at least 18 months on the low end.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864735
09/09/19 05:24 PM
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Hey K, it sounds like this terrible situation has enabled you to grow closer to your children so that's a win.

As far as the separation and "fast-tracking" of divorce goes, you have to choose your own boundaries and own them. If your WAH is crossing the "light" ones you have in place, but thicker ones down. You are a unique individual with your own needs and desires and you cannot let his selfishness diminish you. I know that this is horrible, the last thing you want, and a huge swirl of unknown. Your push for separation may be a reality check for him that snaps him back (honestly, less than likely) or put you on the path toward a new life, new relationships. Either way, it is better than the status quo. And maybe one of those "new relationships" is him. Let's be real, you don't want the guy he is back, you want someone different, someone with integrity who respects you and who honors his family.

Remember, none of this is permanent. You can maintain hope while moving on.


M(35), W(35), D(4)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
W moved out Aug 13
In mediation with intent to dissolve as soon as possible
Re: Moving soon [Re: crdcheck] #2864748
09/09/19 06:30 PM
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Your push for separation may be a reality check for him that snaps him back (honestly, less than likely) or put you on the path toward a new life, new relationships. Either way, it is better than the status quo. And maybe one of those "new relationships" is him. Let's be real, you don't want the guy he is back, you want someone different, someone with integrity who respects you and who honors his family.


He moved out 5.5 months ago. It was the dumbest move ever in terms of the kids but hey it's his life.

He's didn't want to involve attorneys until it was time to divorce and then he wanted a quick, cheap, uncontested divorce. Yeah that's not going to happen.

He talked me out of a separation agreement in April but now that I'm going to have to get my own place I want one.

I'm scared of his attorney but rumor has it she and mine are equally matched. This whole thing scares me. I will reserve judgement on WAH until I see what he does with alimony. Does he take back his original offer or does he use his shark to screw me over?


Last edited by kas99; 09/09/19 06:32 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864751
09/09/19 06:48 PM
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Hope is yours kas. Keep it in your heart.

Keep DB. GAL, detach, control expectations.

Have no fear. Be strong there girl!

Shine!


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864761
09/09/19 07:13 PM
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I feel sick. I just rented a storage unit. My plan is to be out before he comes there to move. I do not want to see him. I'll give him a key via S19 and he can move the kids stuff to my place while I'm at work. Won't the separation agreement and divorce be handled through attorneys? If this is the way it works I won't have to see him for years. Easier to detach this way.

I haven't seen him in 2 months and we no longer speak.

This is all my fault.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864764
09/09/19 07:23 PM
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A couple is a set of two...

Take the positive side of your sitch. If it helps for your detachment then read it that way.

Consistency, patience.

You can do that girl. My best wishes. Be strong there

(((Kas)))


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864768
09/09/19 07:44 PM
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I can look at this positively because so much has changed for the good since he left. Change that wouldn't have happened had he stayed.

However to survive the next couple of months I need the delusion of hope. I need to believe that years down the road if I continue to grow there is hope. I need to believe in miracles. I'm stupid I know.

I've read one piecing story here that sounds a lot like my sitch. He came back after 18 months away. I don't think his wife was quite as bad as me but it was pretty close. He saw she had changed but didn't trust it. And yep he hated her just like WAH hates me.

Last edited by kas99; 09/09/19 07:53 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864785
09/09/19 09:28 PM
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Originally Posted by ďkas99Ē
I don't think his wife was quite as bad as me but it was pretty close. He saw she had changed but didn't trust it. And yep he hated her just like WAH hates me.

Anger dissipates with time. Have you ever crossed a line that you feel canít be uncrossed?

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/09/19 09:29 PM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864787
09/09/19 09:42 PM
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And itís ok to have hope. Hope fuels life. Itís hope and not expectations.

Keep DB kas!


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Moving soon [Re: CWarrior] #2864802
09/09/19 11:03 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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Anger dissipates with time. Have you ever crossed a line that you feel canít be uncrossed?


No it can all be undone. I'm estranged from my mother (father passed away) and if she wrote one halfway decent letter I'd call her up.

You know I'm still grateful to hear your ex had a chance had she gotten her act together in a BIG way.

Re: Moving soon [Re: CWarrior] #2864805
09/09/19 11:24 PM
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One more thing I don't have that many things to fix. The problems are big but the solution is small. I need to learn how to be alone and well that means being alone. I hate it because it's painful but there is no other way

Last edited by kas99; 09/09/19 11:26 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864808
09/09/19 11:45 PM
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CWarrior OMG thank you.

I just realized that (and I need to write this down) that I can't just be alone I have to thrive alone. This is a problem that has haunted me for decades.

I hope I can keep this epiphany because to fix this I must learn to endure negative feelings and do things that aren't "fun". Unless you're mentally ill you probably won't understand this struggle.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864835
09/10/19 12:16 PM
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The mornings are the hardest. It hits me that my husband left me. I replay all these angry texts I sent him. The argument we had the day he BD. The awful things I've done. I couldn't have stopped it though. Not without medication but now it's too late. I lost my family to mental illness. I think even if became a better person, the person he married, he has too much resentment, too much anxiety, too much anger to take me back. Besides he won't even know that I've changed since we have no reason to see each other. The only thing I have as witnesses are my kids and the part where I'm not dating. I've never been without a man for very long and he knows it.

He will date. His friends will make sure he does. He will find someone better than me or he'd rather die alone that try again with me.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864843
09/10/19 01:40 PM
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I need hope desperately to get through this right now so bear with me.

WAH is an avoidant which means he doesn't bond well with people. Without me he's struggling to connect with our kids. Right now he's free. He can pour himself into work, spend time on hobbies, do all the things he couldn't do with me because I was controlling. Avoidant's have trouble being alone too because they have no outlet for emotions. I'm anxious I bond too quickly. Give me a few weeks and I can have a guy telling me he loves me. Avoidant's and anxious people are drawn to each other.

I pray that one day he will realize that I have changed (after I have of course). I pray that after some time his anger and resentment will have faded. I pray that the ongoing cost of divorce is not as appealing as it is currently.

According to the stages a WAS goes through it takes a year or so before the pain sets in which is about the same time the LBS moves on. A WAS can keep walking (obviously) or they can try again because it's easier.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864845
09/10/19 01:46 PM
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I hope people answer me today. If not I'll just go chat with other people here who are in the same boat

I went back and read a regular's story all the way back to 2012. The stories all start out the same btw. As I followed along I waited for the bad news. Divorce, it's over, DB didn't work, etc. Much to my surprise they reconciled. That story made me lose hope though because even though they were separated they still had contact. I do not have that.

How do you even remotely reconcile without some form of contact? And yet I need no contact to get better. Ugh.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864848
09/10/19 02:09 PM
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You have children together so there will always be contact.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Moving soon [Re: LH19] #2864856
09/10/19 03:52 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
You have children together so there will always be contact.


Our kids are teens so no need for direct contact.

Does indirect contact count? The kids talk about him otherwise I'd know nothing.

Last edited by kas99; 09/10/19 03:57 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864861
09/10/19 04:15 PM
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Kas, you've got to stop being so needy and desperate. He'll never be attracted back as long as you remain like that. You've got to accept that he's gone, that he may very well never come back, and put your life on track accordingly. Pull it together. Get things in order. Find some GAL activities and get out and do them. Quit scouring the internet for answers. Quit reading other sitches and comparing it to your own. Quit calculating timelines. Make a life for yourself WITHOUT him. This is quite literally your only chance of ever having a shot at reconciling- first establish your own life.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Moving soon [Re: AnotherStander] #2864871
09/10/19 05:11 PM
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Kas, you've got to stop being so needy and desperate. He'll never be attracted back as long as you remain like that. You've got to accept that he's gone, that he may very well never come back, and put your life on track accordingly. Pull it together. Get things in order. Find some GAL activities and get out and do them. Quit scouring the internet for answers. Quit reading other sitches and comparing it to your own. Quit calculating timelines. Make a life for yourself WITHOUT him. This is quite literally your only chance of ever having a shot at reconciling- first establish your own life.


Thank you for your response I needed to hear this.

This is pathetic but I don't know how to function without a man in my life. My anxiety has already driven me to find two men to talk to since WAH left. I didn't do anything stupid but I sure thought about it.

I'm white knuckling it for now and coping by reading the internet. I don't know what else to do especially when I'm at work. I'm behind and yet I'm here again reading the internet. I have to stop and so far I've been unsuccessful.

Thankfully I'm at work and unless WAH is a mind reader he doesn't know that I'm needy and desperate. At home I'm super busy with the kids and I'm happier there than I am here.

Last edited by kas99; 09/10/19 05:20 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864873
09/10/19 05:23 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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I'm open for any and all suggestions to handle this specifically at work. Work is where I'm the saddest.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864875
09/10/19 05:31 PM
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First of all, just relax, breathe. Donīt fuel your anxiety. Stay calm. You are in control of your life.

Then GAL. Have a schedule to do things that you enjoy. Get one book you want to read, take a walk, take a shower. Try to be living in your present time.

You are the one who rule your world.

Time and patience. Keep working on yourself kas!


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864879
09/10/19 05:49 PM
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I can do all those things at home. I was spending hours at home on the Internet but Iíve cut it back to an hour. I need to go to bed though. The kids go to bed at 10 and then I scour the Internet for an hour.

At work Iíve been spending most of the day online. Iím going to get in trouble if I donít stop.

What do I do at work that is similar to taking a walk?

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864892
09/10/19 08:40 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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Truth time. Steve85 came clean and now I want to as well. Please be nice.

I had been in IC for 20 year and was doing okay but had not yet been dx with bipolar disorder. I had been dx with PTSD. The housing market crashed and we had to move into a tiny apartment. I flipped out and escaped into the internet. I met this guy and he was just a friend. WAH found out and came unglued. At first he accused me of cheating but later realized I hadn't. No sexting, no pictures, nothing. He got over this.

This made him dig deep into my past and he didn't like anything he found. He interrogated me until he was satisfied he knew everything. I came clean and told him that I cheated on him with an ex 3 months after we met. There was no way around this. He knew I was hiding something and it only got worse from there. He accused me of lying about my number (it's 5). Was angry that I had a fun life with guys and he wasn't exactly a hit with women. There was this deep regret that he'd missed out on the casual sex I had. This was unfair because what he called a ONS was actually a guy I was dating who dumped me. The other was a close friend who I thought could be more. He said I took his choice away from him. I was a dumb 23 year old. When he asked me number I answered. I didn't know I was supposed to give him a play by play on every guy I made out with. He shamed me badly.

This was 6 years ago and we've never been the same since. I wanted him to sleep with other women so his number would be higher than mine. I wanted to divorce him to give him his choice back. I thought if he divorced me then his decision to come back would be HIS. He would make the decision this time knowing all the facts. If he did this and came back we'd be equal and he'd stop being angry with me. If he didn't then I would let him go because it was better than living like this.

During this time we experience hysterical bonding so our sex life took off. Before this I had the higher drive. This part was great but I felt shamed for my sexuality so I struggled to be fully vulnerable with him. We argued a lot but we also had fun. We were that couple that everyone envied and it wasn't an act it was real. We were still arguing more than we ever had. Lots of ups and downs. There was this underlying current of he was angry at me. When we fought (not all that often) I brought up divorce again as an option or a separation. I wanted to give him his choice back and I thought I deserved to be punished. The only obstacle was our kids. I couldn't do it to them.

When asked how long he'd been planning to leave me he said a few months. He said I'm the one who put the idea into his head. True but of course I hoped he wouldn't take me up on it.

I don't like telling this story because all I get is hatred. I didn't know I was bipolar and I made bad decisions while manic. I'm grateful that this is the worst I did. My sister is bipolar and she was picking up men off Craigslist. I had one person tell me that he took me up on punishing me. He wants me to suffer as he has suffered and this would take years. When he left he said it was because I was "crazy". In one of his rants he brought up my past. I think this was his cover story to the kids. It's easier to say he left because I'm mentally ill than to say he left me because I'm a cheater.

One more thing that ex? He physically abused me and I had him arrested. He came back (I remember this part). I know we had sex (I have a 20 second memory in my head) but I don't remember anything else. WAH would ask did we go to dinner? How did he know where I lived? I have no idea. I did lie which makes me a cheater. He asked if the sex was consensual and I thought it was but now I'm not so sure. Again I was a dumb 23 year old.

If you made it this far a reminder please be nice.



Last edited by kas99; 09/10/19 08:48 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864899
09/10/19 09:01 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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I do think after my past came out he lost all patience with my mental illness. He went from helping me with triggers to getting angry when I had them. Went from trying to reassure me to wanting to take care of himself. All this resentment he'd been holding in came out bit by bit until he exploded. He set me up btw. He started planning to leave me and decided to wait until I triggered again. He needed validation that he was doing the right thing. It took 3 months. 3 months of doing well then I flipped out while he was out of town for 2 weeks straight. He came home, we had a romantic weekend (he knew it was our last) then he BD on Sunday.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864905
09/10/19 09:26 PM
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His story is still that he left because I'm crazy. I apologize for not telling this story before. I wanted to believe that these things weren't connected since they are 6 years apart but I'm thinking I'm wrong.

.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864907
09/10/19 10:20 PM
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While your decision making back then definitely seems a bit questionable (the wanting him to sleep with other women so his number is higher part), I didn't see anything that is unforgiveable. You made some mistakes. You owned up to it. You tried to fix it...not the best way to go about it but you tried. He had a part in it too. Sounds like MC with a good therapist would have benefited both of you at the time.

Stop beating yourself up Kas and trying to figure out what went wrong and why and who is to blame. No one on here is completely blameless and hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20. Forgive yourself, do the work, move forward and try not to repeat past mistakes. Be the best you that you can be. As long as you do that, you will be okay. The future will take care of itself. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864913
09/10/19 11:13 PM
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DejaVu6

He went to a sex therapist to undo his Catholic shaming about sex upbringing which helped. During those years he was hard on our then 13 year old girl. He started forbidding her to watch or read anything that had sex in it. We had lots and lots and lots of arguments over her. Ever since then if you ask her what she wants to be when she grows up she says "a stripper". I think this is part of why she disowned him. Since he left I also found out that she cracked my parental pin and has been watching MA since then. We tried MC but they took my side. He quit going.

After losing patience with me things went south quickly. I knew I was on thin ice but I couldn't stop. How do you stop being mentally ill? I was about 80% stable but I struggled A LOT to maintain that and that 20% was bad sometimes. I'd go sit in a parking lot downing vodka or taking a bunch of benzo's before coming home so he didn't get upset with me. I was so afraid he was going to leave me but in the back of my mind I did feel like it was inevitable.

The last argument we had was because he was gone for 2 weeks which is HUGE trigger for me. He ignored my text messages and I got angry. What I didn't know of course was that he was already planning to leave.

Since then I've added a new med and am 99% stable (6 months which is a world record). No more 20% rants. I don't drink and I stopped taking the benzo's. It was too little too late of course. Sad.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864942
09/11/19 06:35 AM
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Honestly Kas...your H does not sound particularly stable himself. He sounds quite emotionally abusive, IMO.

Not too little too late. You be your best self for you and for your kids. Leave him to his own devices. If he comes back and you are BOTH stable and wanting to genuinely work on things rather than assign blame, then great. If he doesnít come back, you will be better off for having done the work. Be prepared...as you do the work and get better, donít be surprised if he becomes less and less appealing to you. Feelings change... on both sides.

Keep fighting the good fight Kas! (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Moving soon [Re: DejaVu6] #2864959
09/11/19 12:37 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Honestly Kas...your H does not sound particularly stable himself. He sounds quite emotionally abusive, IMO.

Not too little too late. You be your best self for you and for your kids. Leave him to his own devices. If he comes back and you are BOTH stable and wanting to genuinely work on things rather than assign blame, then great. If he doesnít come back, you will be better off for having done the work. Be prepared...as you do the work and get better, donít be surprised if he becomes less and less appealing to you. Feelings change... on both sides.


He wasn't like this until after he found out about my past. His number is 2 and he thinks the man should have more sexual experience. I cheated on him while dating (3 months after we met) and he couldn't forgive me.

Everyone I know personally says he doesn't sound emotionally stable (easier to tell this story in person). Sounds depressed Says hes going through something. Says he doesn't hate me despite what he's telling himself and me.

I hope he comes back once he is stable but I will move on because I have no other choice.

Re: Moving soon [Re: DejaVu6] #2864975
09/11/19 01:54 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Leave him to his own devices. If he comes back and you are BOTH stable and wanting to genuinely work on things rather than assign blame, then great. If he doesnít come back, you will be better off for having done the work


I'm not emotionally stable either. I regress and I have relapsed. At first I was doing the work to get him back but then I noticed the changes in my kids. I couldn't bear to take that away from them.

I take a DBT (therapy) class and my instructor says I'm nothing like the person I was. My support group agrees. She also thinks WAH is emotionally unstable and thinks it bothers him that I didn't follow the script. She also thinks that now that he is committed to this path he will have go through with it. His pride is too high and he'd rather die alone than appear weak.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864976
09/11/19 02:01 PM
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Beating someone up about their past before they met you is ridiculous. The man should have a higher number than the woman. WTF?? Whatís that? Oh...itís the 1950s calling. The fact that he made this an issue indicates to me that he has been this way for a long time. Maybe he was just good at hiding it before. Itís all about control and making himself feel better by making you feel bad. Do not buy into it. You and your kids deserve better and sometimes better is being on your own. I know it is what I would choose if my partner was treating me like that.

Keep working on yourself and getting healthy Kas. My prediction is that the more healthy you get, the less you will want to be with your H. Healthy people with good self esteem would never put up with that. Save yourself first and worry about your M later.


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Moving soon [Re: DejaVu6] #2864977
09/11/19 02:02 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Be prepared...as you do the work and get better, donít be surprised if he becomes less and less appealing to you. Feelings change... on both sides.


After posting my story here this thought crossed my mind. I felt lighter. My moods are still up and down so this thought probably won't stick but today I feel pretty good.

The only thing I'm dreading is moving but if I can get him to cooperate I won't have to see him.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864979
09/11/19 02:15 PM
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NVM my mood just dropped. I'm trying but being at work is the worst. I feel slightly better than yesterday so that's good right?

DB questions [Re: kas99] #2864980
09/11/19 02:29 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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Is it normal to have moments of sadness while GAL?

Is it progress if I have moments of acceptance? Mostly I cling to hope but it is slowly diminishing.

Re: DB questions [Re: kas99] #2865011
09/11/19 06:07 PM
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It all comes in cycles. What you need to do is to know yourself. When a low cycle is coming just be aware of it. We all need to cycle up in the waves.

Onward and upward.

Go girl!


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: DB questions [Re: kas99] #2865017
09/11/19 07:07 PM
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I have moments of sadness, exhaustion, stress. Some days are great (today so far, yesterday), others very grey (Monday). Each moment will pass.

Kas, one thing that strikes me as I read your posts is that it sounds like you've been very focused on correcting your own issues which is admirable. You seem very open with yourself (and us) and in tune with who you are, where you want to be as a person. One thing that I learned over the past year as I tried to save my marriage was that, all of my efforts, no matter how heroic, would not overcome the obstacle that is someone who sees no flaws in themselves. The condition of your MR is not 100% your responsibility, period. I'm not going to try to pick apart what is you and what is him but I would encourage you to consider that, if he sees himself as the victim here and having no responsibility for where things are, you probably don't want an R with him. Even if he returns you will always be on your toes trying to figure out if what you are doing is what he wants, always putting your needs in the back seat, and even if you can do that ("for the kids!") your resentment will build and build, while deep down he recognizes that it's an inauthentic relationship (no relationship can be so one-sided), and eventually one or both of you will boil over.

Having said that, DB (and other models) recognizes that we have the ability to unilaterally improve our relationships so that's not to say that this is hopeless - follow the suggestions from others here, other books.

So, TL:DR - you can't completely fix your MR yourself, your H has to be willing to work on his contributions to the MR.


M(35), W(35), D(4)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
W moved out Aug 13
In mediation with intent to dissolve as soon as possible
Homeless [Re: kas99] #2865026
09/11/19 08:09 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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I don't make enough to rent an apartment (I tried) and I have to be out by Oct 31st. WAH can't be a cosigner or on the lease and its too late to lie.

I'm surprisingly calm. I think I'm in shock.

I'll answer the posts soon. I could really use some support right now.

Last edited by kas99; 09/11/19 08:09 PM.
Re: Homeless [Re: kas99] #2865044
09/11/19 09:18 PM
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Hi Kas,

Sorry to hear that, I would be in shock, too. a month and a half is not a lot of time but it's not nothing, either. I'm sure thta you've already consulted with family and friends to see if there are some temporary solutions that would give you some breathing space. There may also be services in your state/city for people in your situation. Is this an option? If you can't find any via google you may want to try calling local churches.

You're in my thoughts.


M(35), W(35), D(4)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
W moved out Aug 13
In mediation with intent to dissolve as soon as possible
Re: Homeless [Re: kas99] #2865071
09/12/19 12:51 AM
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kas99 Offline OP
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I stupidly sent WAH a text you know thinking heíd care that me and 2 kids donít have a place to live. I got crickets. We are apparently only talking through attorneys now. Kids and I went out again and found a place that might take my bank statements proving he pays child support. Iíll apply tomorrow.

So when I move out do I just take what I want since he wonít talk to me? We have no agreement. No court orders. Nothing. I donít want anything but a tv and everything in the kitchen.

Re: Homeless [Re: kas99] #2865072
09/12/19 12:56 AM
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K,

Come on now. You know you canít guilt him back.

As for things in the house try to come to some sort of an agreement in advance.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Homeless [Re: LH19] #2865075
09/12/19 01:06 AM
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kas99 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
K,

Come on now. You know you canít guilt him back.

As for things in the house try to come to some sort of an agreement in advance.


Rookie mistake. Wonít happen again. Iíve contacted him twice in 6 weeks so my dignity is still in tact. I donít feel bad. I think that means Iím healing.

How do we come up with an agreement if he wonít answer me?

Last edited by kas99; 09/12/19 01:13 AM.
Re: Homeless [Re: kas99] #2865077
09/12/19 01:22 AM
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Originally Posted by "kas99"
I stupidly sent WAH a text you know thinking heíd care that me and 2 kids donít have a place to live. I got crickets. Kids and I went out again and found a place.

Hi Kas99, good job finding a place to live! I'd be texting him about interim alimony+child support, and if he won't agree, getting your attorney to begin some emergency order. You still have 50 days.

Google says it takes 3-4 weeks to receive temporary support?

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/12/19 01:25 AM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Homeless [Re: kas99] #2865078
09/12/19 01:22 AM
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Is there any reason not to serve him papers?


M(35), W(35), D(4)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
W moved out Aug 13
In mediation with intent to dissolve as soon as possible
Re: Homeless [Re: kas99] #2865080
09/12/19 01:37 AM
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Any time you want to reach out to him, run it by the board first.

H this is what I am taking from the home. If you have any objections please let me know.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Homeless [Re: CWarrior] #2865088
09/12/19 03:48 AM
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Quote
Hi Kas99, good job finding a place to live! I'd be texting him about interim alimony+child support, and if he won't agree, getting your attorney to begin some emergency order. You still have 50 days.

Google says it takes 3-4 weeks to receive temporary support?


I've contacted him twice in 6 weeks. 1) can't rent a place and 2) to ask about alimony+child support. THREE sentences. Three. I knew he wouldn't answer. His shark of an attorney has told him not to talk to me. Fun right?

I've got a call into my attorney but she hasn't called me back. So frustrating.

Re: Homeless [Re: crdcheck] #2865105
09/12/19 12:26 PM
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Originally Posted by crdcheck
Is there any reason not to serve him papers?


In May (a month after he left) I had a court date for a separation agreement. My attorney was harsh (said he abandoned the family) I felt bad so I called WAH (yes Iím an idiot). He got served the papers but I let him talk me into canceling the court date. I was trying to nice him back.

I apologized to my attorney and am now trying to get a separation agreement. She has been in contact with his attorney so I guess now we will hash this out between us. Iím upset because she hasnít called me back. She will sheís just busy.

I feel so stupid.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865126
09/12/19 04:20 PM
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Originally Posted by kas99
Kids and I went out again and found a place that might take my bank statements proving he pays child support. Iíll apply tomorrow.


That should be adequate, my girlfriend has no credit and is self-employed but was able to get a place just based on bank account deposit history.

Quote
So when I move out do I just take what I want since he wonít talk to me? We have no agreement. No court orders. Nothing. I donít want anything but a tv and everything in the kitchen.


Talk to your lawyer about that, it's a legal issue. I think you have to serve him some kind of legal notice that he has until X date to remove his property after which he forfeits the property and any claim to monetary damages due to the loss of it. I would not depend on phone calls or texts for this, again talk to your L but I would think a registered letter is the minimum.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Moving soon [Re: AnotherStander] #2865130
09/12/19 05:03 PM
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Talk to your lawyer about that, it's a legal issue. I think you have to serve him some kind of legal notice that he has until X date to remove his property after which he forfeits the property and any claim to monetary damages due to the loss of it. I would not depend on phone calls or texts for this, again talk to your L but I would think a registered letter is the minimum.


I'm moving out first so I'll need to know what I can take.

I'm filling out the paperwork now for my attorney to come up with an alimony number. Trying not to think about what it is that I'm doing to get through this.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865132
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I still want to reconcile. Not with him like this no. Later....years later maybe when he stops hating me. Will he ever stop hating me? I'm aware my mind might have changed by then.

I've read the rocky, somewhat success stories and now that I'm knee deep in it how on earth do couples come back from this? This total mass destruction, financial ruin, depressed, angry kids, even our dog is upset.

How do I wrap my brain around the part where he hates me enough to do this? He's miserable but I read that isn't uncommon. WAS's leave for someone else or live alone doesn't matter. They just trade one set of problems for another. Solves nothing. They might be happy with their new life but not seeing their kids, paying alimony/child support, its a high price to pay for freedom. I know I know why does divorce cost so much? Because its worth it.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865138
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Do this- come up with one thing you've wanted to do that you've never tried. Maybe it's painting, or maybe throwing a pot, or knitting, or fusing glass, or cycling, or running a 5K. Just one thing. Then DO IT. Check into local classes and/ or clubs. Join. Set the wheel in motion. You're stuck repeating the same stuff over and over again. Your H hates you. Why would he ever come back. You've read XYZ stories and blah blah blah. NONE OF THAT IS HELPING YOU. Get out. GAL. Quit posting the same stuff that leaves you stuck in a hole. You CAN get out of that hole, you are not a victim!


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865143
09/12/19 06:35 PM
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Hi Kas,

AnotherStanderís 2x4 is wise. Hope your workday goes well.


My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Oh HAPPY DAY!!!! [Re: kas99] #2865180
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***To all the men who got screwed over financially by wives that walked out you have my complete sympathy. This post isn't for you***

Took a half a day off to get an apartment (I was approved) and to fill out the financial declaration for my attorney who finally is taking care of me. She's mean but so is WAH's attorney but at least we are equally matched. She emailed me back what she's going to ask for and OMG!!! Ok I know I'm not going to get that much but It's double what I wanted so I'm going to end up way better off financially than I originally thought. Woo! Hoo!

So lets recap WAH leaves me and our 3 kids after 28 years of marriage. Wants to pay me peanuts on a handshake deal until I show him I can't live on that. He generously offers to "up the amount" and since I was trying to nice him back I act all grateful and compliant. Yes I'm stupid. Back then my attorney told me "don't sign ANYTHING without me looking at it first". Guessing she's seen too many starry eyed women get screwed over like this. WAH pays me money SOME money while he's gone and I am grateful for that too. That money got me the apartment so I'm happy.

Right now I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The balance of power just shifted (did you feel it?) lol Suddenly I don't care so much about reconciling with someone who doesn't love me.

Now I'm going to cook dinner for my kids. It's spicy noodle night. I've made it every Thursday night since WAH left. We are making new traditions and he's missing it all. Oh well his loss....

Re: Oh HAPPY DAY!!!! [Re: kas99] #2865187
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Originally Posted by "kas99"
She emailed me back what she's going to ask for and OMG!!! Ok I know I'm not going to get that much but It's double what I wanted so I'm going to end up way better off financially than I originally thought. Woo! Hoo!

Completely normal. So happy you finally worked that out! My partner gets the majority of her ex's income. That makes sense if your team was "He works, she tends house/kids". With my ex the team was "He works, she works, we both tend house/kids" so no alimony or support.

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/12/19 11:32 PM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Oh HAPPY DAY!!!! [Re: CWarrior] #2865188
09/12/19 11:56 PM
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by "kas99"
She emailed me back what she's going to ask for and OMG!!! Ok I know I'm not going to get that much but It's double what I wanted so I'm going to end up way better off financially than I originally thought. Woo! Hoo!

Completely normal. So happy you finally worked that out! My partner gets the majority of her ex's income. That makes sense if your team was "He works, she tends house/kids". With my ex the team was "He works, she works, we both tend house/kids" so no alimony or support.


Married 28 years, I was a homemaker for 15 of those years. I gave up my lucrative career as a CPA to be a mom. People are shocked when I tell them this but I worked as an accountant for 20 years before I had kids. I got a prestigious internship when I was 18 and quit working when I was 38. I'd be making over double what I make now had I kept working. WAH's income has quadrupled in 15 years.

I know now why his attorney told him not to talk to me. lol

Separation agreement [Re: kas99] #2865196
09/13/19 12:35 AM
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This is going to cost me thousands in legal fees. Heís working 2 jobs and saving right now. Makes 3x what I do. I paid $1800 for a retainer and have $4000 in cash saved up. Iíll have to move very frugally.

Last edited by kas99; 09/13/19 12:35 AM.
Child support [Re: kas99] #2865205
09/13/19 01:37 AM
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Figured out why he wants the youngest. Thatís 3 years of child support he doesnít have to pay.

Re: Child support [Re: kas99] #2865209
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Iím so tired. D14 wants to live with him. WAH works a lot which means she will be with me quite a bit. I wonít have a bedroom for her so she will have to bunk with me. It will be an adventure right?

My new apartment is nice. 3 bedrooms, open and airy. Itís a huge complex off the beaten path. Itís the nicest one around. I thought Iíd get stuck at the complex with all the bad kids but I didnít. We are all happy about this. Iím further from school but closer to work.

Everyone at work is being so supportive. My boss has gone over and above trying to take care of me. Pushed me to find a place to live, gives me 2x4s when I contact WAH and lectures me about being too nice. Word is still getting around and today 2 guys tried to find me a house to rent. Iím not interested in yard work but it was cool that they thought of me. I love my job.

Re: Child support [Re: kas99] #2865259
09/13/19 06:26 PM
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Send happy thoughts and prayers please. I found a 4 bedroom rental house. It's old, dated and cheap in an old neighborhood but it has 1900 square feet. With 4 bedrooms all of my kids could live with me. My only concern is when it's available. I get to do a self showing today which is a good sign. Can't go see it if someone is living there. It was listed 2 days ago. Tempted to apply because it won't last. I don't know what to do.

Re: Child support [Re: kas99] #2865277
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Sending happy thoughts your way. wink


My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Child support [Re: CWarrior] #2865300
09/14/19 04:11 AM
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Sending happy thoughts your way. wink


Ok I didnít get that house however I found another one, a better one. Until today I was too scared to rent a house. I wanted to play it safe by moving into an apartment. I think I canít make it without WAH. Thankfully I work with the most amazing people and when word got out I needed a place to live they helped me believe in myself.

Oh and it gets better (Iím crying happy tears) they are orchestrating my move. Trucks, trailers, dollies, and itís all hands on deck which is great because I donít want WAH in my house. That thought makes my skin crawl.

Last edited by kas99; 09/14/19 04:19 AM.
Re: Child support [Re: kas99] #2865301
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Aww, that's fantastic! Congratulations, Kas. (:


My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865324
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I feel guilty. He wants to pay me 20% which is child support only. He finally answered my email. My attorney is starting out negotiating for 50%. He does not know this yet. I originally asked for 33%. He got angry so I took it back. We then discussed 23% but now heís dropping it again.

I still want to nice him back. I canít back out on my attorney again. I already believe she thinks Iím an idiot.

I wonít answer him but please talk me down.

Last edited by kas99; 09/14/19 07:43 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865338
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Let the lawyers handle it.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865347
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More fun. Rental companies are strict. The application is brutal and I donít qualify for anything. The people that pursued me were individual renters. I was picky before I figured this out so I turned down both of them. After a big dose of reality I crawled back to one of them and weíve been chatting all evening via text. He didnít say yes but didnít say no either. My credit score appeals to him.

I feel bad because D17 got attached to this other house. I did too however it was more than what I wanted to spend. Just $100 but every dollar counts. This one is the same price as the apartment. Itís quiet, private, close to school and itís only negative is that Iím used to being a princess. Lol.

Iím proud of myself for doing all this on my own. Iíve got a long way to go but Iím making progress.


Last edited by kas99; 09/15/19 03:03 AM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865352
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Dear Kas, I know Iím just writing one-liners, but Iím reading all you write. Great job!


My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Moving soon [Re: CWarrior] #2865366
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Dear Kas, I know Iím just writing one-liners, but Iím reading all you write. Great job!


I'm just grateful someone is popping in just in case there is an actual question in all this rambling.

As soon as S19 gets up I'm going to get him to scan those documents asap to the property owner. I want a house. I want quiet, I want privacy, I want space. I don't want to live in an apartment. I don't want to fight for parking. I don't like lots of people.

This is hard but I keep thinking about what everyone says here. Those thoughts don't help me do they? I can dwell on the past or I can focus on the here and now. The past hurts the present keeps me moving forward.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865371
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Moving questions:

Financial records what do I need to keep besides divorce documents? I'd rather take too much than not enough. I've pulled out all the important things like tax returns, life insurance policies, paycheck stubs, etc but there is still paper left. I have a 2 drawer filing cabinet and several boxes. I can just move the boxes but what do I need out of the filing cabinet. Should I just put it all in a box and take it? I won't withhold anything I just prefer to organize it myself.

At the moment WAH doesn't appear to be thinking about the actual process of divorce. He's not a planner he just jumps into things without thinking it through. I suspect once he realized that getting a D isn't easy he put it in the "I'll deal with that later" pile. For now I think he's okay with a separation. He's away from me and it buys him time to figure this out.

Last edited by kas99; 09/15/19 03:04 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865378
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So Iím packing today. Itís not bad because I donít have much stuff. Originally I was going to walk away from everything but now that Iím working hard to get a house I wonít have to. So now Iím going through the attic for the 3rd time. I even decided to take half of the luggage set. If I get a good settlement I could afford small trips.

At first this was sad but it dawned on me that Iíve already been living this way for 6 months all that is changing is my address. One kid will live with him but Iíve worked that out in my head. If S19 lives with him he will come over for food. If D14 lives with him (her choice so far) she will get lonely. Teenagers vote with their feet so how much I see them will be up to them. Itís looking like we will live 8 minutes apart so going back and forth will be easy.

That house is smaller but learning to live with less is life changing. I read other threads and itís preached to do the exact opposite of what youíve always done. Now that Iím on new meds this has been the easiest part of this process. If I get this house WAH is going to be stunned. Iím stunned.

I have social anxiety and I actually reached out to that property owner. Iím fighting for this house and I never fight for anything. Anxiety stopped me from talking to people. Now? Omg i ask for help, I answer the door, answer texts, the phone, stupid things that most people take for granted.

Well off to take a load to storage. A truck would be nice right about now. My boss offered to loan me his but that seemed weird so I declined. Nice to know people care.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865396
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I got the house!!!!!

I told D14 and she about fainted because this is so not like me. lol The look on her face was priceless. She said she'd have to tell WAH. True but she said she'd wait until it was 100% a done deal first.

D14 said WAH would have to one up me. Also true so she started looking for rental houses for him. Her logic is he's working a 2nd job so he can afford more. Yeah good luck with that. He also has no idea what it's like out there. We always rented (or bought) high end so very little competition. I'm also the one who researches everything. In this price range/decent house/neighborhood it's a race to see who can click the fasted. I lost one house in an hour.

I haven't seen the inside of this house yet just pictures which scares the crap out of me. I haven't signed a lease yet but anything is better than an apartment.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865432
09/16/19 03:16 AM
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Congratulations Kas!!! Hope it turns out to be a great deal for you!!! Take your boss up on his offer if you need help. People donít offer to help you unless they want to. smile


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865438
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Hey Kas

Good luck with everything and congrats on the house.

I'd keep all the paperwork for now, then sift and discard at a less hectic time.

Cheers, DS


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865459
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I'm gathering all of WAH's paychecks stubs to give to my attorney. His income shot up Jan 2019 so that was around the time he got serious about leaving me. He's a stupid man though because those paychecks will affect how much he has to pay me in child support and alimony.

Makes sense now why he was traveling all the time. I didn't stand a chance.

D14 is pushing him to get a better house than me otherwise she's living with me. I won't be in the school district so that backs him into a corner. Either he keeps the job he has, rents a pricey house, or moves into the crappy apartment (in the school district).

Unlike him I have no qualms transferring the kids to another school. This is just another consequence of divorce and this is what he wanted. I have no choice but to play the cards I've been dealt.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865465
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Originally Posted by kas99
I feel guilty. He wants to pay me 20% which is child support only.

He finally answered my email. My attorney is starting out negotiating for 50%. He does not know this yet. I originally asked for 33%. He got angry so I took it back. We then discussed 23% but now heís dropping it again.


I don't know why that makes you feel guilty. You're too emotionally invested to understand right now what is "fair", so step back and let your lawyer sort it out. That's what they are there for, to take the emotions out of the proceedings.

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I still want to nice him back.


You want to TRY to nice him back. You can't actually do it, it never works. And trying only makes you look needy and desperate.

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Financial records what do I need to keep besides divorce documents?


I agree with DS9, keep everything you're not sure about. After the D is over then you can purge unneeded papers.

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I got the house!!!!!


Awesome, congrats!

Quote
D14 said WAH would have to one up me. Also true so she started looking for rental houses for him. Her logic is he's working a 2nd job so he can afford more. Yeah good luck with that.


Don't concern yourself with what kind of place H gets and whether it's nicer, or not as nice or whatever. Doesn't matter. Focus on you and the kids. Don't be that cliche' couple that's always trying to one-up each other to impress the kids and "teach each other a lesson".


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Moving soon [Re: AnotherStander] #2865471
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I was wrong he's been planning to leave me for well over a year.

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I don't know why that makes you feel guilty. You're too emotionally invested to understand right now what is "fair", so step back and let your lawyer sort it out. That's what they are there for, to take the emotions out of the proceedings.


I feel so stupid. My attorney must think I'm stupid. I tried to lower his income out of guilt and she practically screamed at me via email. I responded to her today and told her to do what she needed to do. Please pray she doesn't fire me

Quote
You want to TRY to nice him back. You can't actually do it, it never works. And trying only makes you look needy and desperate.


I feel like an idiot. I just 30 minutes ago realized he's been lying to me this whole time. He's used my neediness against me. I want to cry.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865473
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Originally Posted by kas99
I feel so stupid. My attorney must think I'm stupid. I tried to lower his income out of guilt and she practically screamed at me via email. I responded to her today and told her to do what she needed to do. Please pray she doesn't fire me


I'm sure she's seen this a thousand times before. The things you are thinking and saying and doing are not at all unusual. Don't be so hard on yourself, this is an emotional whirlwind and you get thrown around all over the place by it. Again, this is why it's good to have a lawyer, she can be the stability you need on the legal side of things.

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I feel like an idiot. I just 30 minutes ago realized he's been lying to me this whole time. He's used my neediness against me. I want to cry.


Why does that make YOU an idiot? That makes HIM an idiot. And again, that's just affirmation that you need to let your lawyer control the legal side. Believe me this ain't her first rodeo.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Moving soon [Re: AnotherStander] #2865485
09/16/19 03:45 PM
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I'm sure she's seen this a thousand times before. The things you are thinking and saying and doing are not at all unusual. Don't be so hard on yourself, this is an emotional whirlwind and you get thrown around all over the place by it. Again, this is why it's good to have a lawyer, she can be the stability you need on the legal side of things.


Back in May when I called to cancel the court date (she was not happy) I told her we'd worked out a settlement. She responded back "don't sign anything until I look at it". I hope she isn't holding this against me.

I have more of the picture now of what happened. His friend who has been divorced 3 times coached him. They came up with a plan that WAH executed within 30 days. The friend told him there is no alimony in my state (incorrect) and that all he'd have to pay is child support for a few years (our kids are teens). My kids told me that WAH was going to file ASAP (May) but then he stopped.

Quote
Why does that make YOU an idiot? That makes HIM an idiot. And again, that's just affirmation that you need to let your lawyer control the legal side. Believe me this ain't her first rodeo.


He used my neediness against me how is he an idiot? Seems pretty smart to me. His only mistake was not jumping on the offer when he had it. Instead he left me in the house for 6-7 months giving me time to think. He could have been divorced by now....we have nothing.

Last edited by kas99; 09/16/19 03:48 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865489
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Originally Posted by "Kas99"
The friend told him there is no alimony in my state (incorrect). His only mistake was not jumping on the offer when he had it.

Hi Kas, his behavior sounds more like "stumbling through a divorce" the same way many do. Step 1 in a brilliant plan would've been him calling someone who knows how this all works--e.g., a divorce attorney--who would've informed him about guidelines amounts for alimony and child support.

I agree it sounds like he was "trying to be clever", and by calling your lawyer you stopped him! I'm so glad you've found yourself a home and see a financial path forward.

There are sometimes extra checks in the justice system. Our judge required us to sign a paper informing us each of and rejecting guideline amounts. E.g., "You're entitled to $1023.42/month. Do you want to waive this?" Agreements often also must include very specific wordings.

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/16/19 04:35 PM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Moving soon [Re: CWarrior] #2865492
09/16/19 04:48 PM
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Hi Kas, his behavior sounds more like "stumbling through a divorce" the same way many do. Step 1 in a brilliant plan would've been him calling someone who knows how this all works--e.g., a divorce attorney--who would've informed him about guidelines amounts for alimony and child support.


S19 says he's "winging it". This friend referred him to a drive through attorney who he did not consult with until the day after BD. Upon visiting that attorney he realized that his friend was wrong. Although it was funny WAH told me he had papers and wanted me to help him fill them out (in a text mind you). I might be trying to nice him back but I'm not going to help him divorce me.

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I agree it sounds like he was "trying to be clever", and by calling your lawyer you stopped him! I'm so glad you've found yourself a home and see a financial path forward.


He was clever. Kept this a secret, played nice nice with me but yesI hired an attorney before he did. He's underestimated me since. He didn't count on me getting new medications that fixed depression and gave me clarity. Yeah I've made lots of mistakes but I've also with the help of friends (irl and here) gotten a lot right too. I put a deposit on that house sight unseen. I'm going to look at in an hour.

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There are sometimes extra checks in the justice system. Our judge required us to sign a paper informing us each of and rejecting guideline amounts. E.g., "You're entitled to $1023.42/month. Do you want to waive this?" Agreements often also must include very specific wordings.


I'd bet his attorney told him this which would explain why he didn't file in May. He was PISSED the day I thought he was going to file. He then had to retreat and come up with another plan that I don't yet know about it.


Last edited by kas99; 09/16/19 04:57 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865494
09/16/19 05:15 PM
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How does it work if all he pays me is child support? Can he drag this out so he doesn't have to pay me? Bury me in legal fees just to avoid paying support? Hope not. If our attorneys can't work this out we go before a judge right?

Last edited by kas99; 09/16/19 05:23 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865499
09/16/19 06:42 PM
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Originally Posted by kas99
She responded back "don't sign anything until I look at it". I hope she isn't holding this against me.


Use what against you? She advised you not to sign anything and you didn't, so you followed her advice.

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He used my neediness against me how is he an idiot?


You said it yourself, he relied on a friend who "coached" him with a plan, but his friend has no legal background. He assumed there was no alimony in your state and he was wrong. Those are the actions of an idiot.

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How does it work if all he pays me is child support? Can he drag this out so he doesn't have to pay me? Bury me in legal fees just to avoid paying support? Hope not. If our attorneys can't work this out we go before a judge right?


He could just quit paying you anything if he wanted to be nasty. Then you would be the one having to file. Yes if he wants to play games and you don't respond by filing yourself, then he could drag things out indefinitely. He may be trying to buy time, if he could postpone until the kids reach the age of maturity in your state then he could avoid child support and possibly argue that he shouldn't have to pay alimony either since (by then) you will have been separated for years giving you ample time to establish yourself. Talk to your L about this, be prepared for anything.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Moving soon [Re: AnotherStander] #2865513
09/16/19 08:25 PM
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You said it yourself, he relied on a friend who "coached" him with a plan, but his friend has no legal background. He assumed there was no alimony in your state and he was wrong. Those are the actions of an idiot.


This whole time I've thought "idiot" in my head because every mistake he could have made he made it. He's operating on full emotion right now. As a LBS I don't have that luxury. I know I've whined on here plenty but at home I was forced to get it together and fast. WAH had years to prepare and he ticked all the boxes except see an attorney.

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He could just quit paying you anything if he wanted to be nasty. Then you would be the one having to file. Yes if he wants to play games and you don't respond by filing yourself, then he could drag things out indefinitely. He may be trying to buy time, if he could postpone until the kids reach the age of maturity in your state then he could avoid child support and possibly argue that he shouldn't have to pay alimony either since (by then) you will have been separated for years giving you ample time to establish yourself. Talk to your L about this, be prepared for anything.



I've been trying to think about what his idiot friend would tell him to do and yes this would be something he'd say. WAH has moved in with another friend so my gut tells me that idiot friend has grown bored of this. I mean it's been 6 months and idiot friend has so many other shiny things to chase. I can hear his voice in my head "ah WAH she will crack eventually" you know because I'm "crazy". lol The answer to everything is to wait until I fall apart. I swear I think they were counting on it.

Last edited by kas99; 09/16/19 08:27 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865531
09/16/19 11:35 PM
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Probably wonít get an answer right now but D14 wants to tell WAH where Iím moving to. He will find out eventually right? He will hate it because itís down the street from my estranged mother. I didnít have many options.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865536
09/17/19 12:25 AM
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Hi Kas, I don't ask my kids to keep secrets from their mom. I don't like to put them into that position. His hating, loving, or being indifferent about the choice shouldn't be a big factor as long as he's fired you.

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/17/19 12:33 AM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865542
09/17/19 01:30 AM
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Should I email him directly? Right now all communication is through the kids. There isnít much to say other than my tentative moving plans.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865545
09/17/19 02:01 AM
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Nvm I donít want to talk to him. I have nothing to say. If I didnít want him to know about the house I shouldnít have told her.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865546
09/17/19 02:05 AM
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Makes sense. My partner gives her ex 30 daysí notice, but only because thatís in her settlement agreement. She would otherwise tell him when it impacts him, e.g., when she actually moves.

If you have equal custody of any kids, the school district change may be worth considering announcing. I have primary custody so donít know the legal requirements for those with more equal custody.

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/17/19 02:12 AM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865547
09/17/19 02:28 AM
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A quick Google says your legal requirements may include consulting him or even obtaining his consent for a school district change, unless heís agree to give you primary custody. Your L would know your local requirements.

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/17/19 02:31 AM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Moving soon [Re: CWarrior] #2865549
09/17/19 03:26 AM
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
A quick Google says your legal requirements may include consulting him or even obtaining his consent for a school district change, unless heís agree to give you primary custody. Your L would know your local requirements.


Ok he knows itís not in the district and he is getting primary custody of D14. I canít afford a house in this district and I donít think he can either. He hoped I found a unicorn which would solve the school problem. He also hoped I could take the pets too. Heís delusional. He financially ruined me and my sad house doesnít allow pets. My budget means D14 goes to a different school. Period.

Last edited by kas99; 09/17/19 03:29 AM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865550
09/17/19 03:45 AM
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Cool, Kas! Glad to hear (minus financial ruin) youíve cleared the potential headaches.

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/17/19 03:46 AM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865563
09/17/19 12:24 PM
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As soon as D14 knew I had a house she rushed to tell him. See in the good school district there is one cheap place to live, an apartment complex. That's where he was going to live until D14 started bugging him. In kid logic if I can afford a house he should be able to as well. True if he goes outside the district. I'm hearing he's considering using idiots address. I couldn't lie like that but that's me.

I'm not going to live in that apartment complex because it's not safe. I also have to play the long game. Moving costs money and I need to be somewhere I can stay permanently. There is nothing wrong with the other school and quite frankly I didn't choose this.

He also has another problem. D14 won't live at that apartment complex which means she will pick me. He's already lost one daughter and can't bear to lose another. He's looking at one house and there is only one within reach but it's more than he want to spend.

Last edited by kas99; 09/17/19 12:32 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865579
09/17/19 02:25 PM
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Let me change some words and clarify.

We were in the rich end of town and that is ending. The other school reflects that. The original plan was he was going to live in those apartments to keep D14 in the same school. I was going to live in the apartments across the street (different school district but safer). Since we were both living in apartments we were on equal footing. They both suck.

People at work convinced me that apartments were overpriced (for what you get) and that I should rent a house. Everyone assisted in the search. I end up finding one for the same price as the apartment. It's not much bigger and it's old but it's a house. D14 has chosen to live with WAH but hates those apartments. She was okay with it until I got a house. Now she wants him to get one too.

He's looked at this one house in the district (another ugly old house) but D14 hasn't quite yet accepted that her princess days are over so she didn't want to live there either.

D14 now would rather live in that house (since I got one) than the apartments but I suspect it's not what he wanted (too expensive) so he was counting on her to veto it which she did. He didn't expect me to get a house so now I'm not sure what he will do. My guess is he will get the house.

I know people here have called me out for saying "losing a kid" and it's true those are not the correct words. Teenagers vote with their feet. If D14 lives with me he won't see her much not unlike it is now. D17 is presently not speaking to him so he's kinda clinging to D14. Unlike WAH I have a pretty good idea how this will play out. If D14 lives with him she will get lonely (he works a lot) so she will end up with me 50% of the time (same with S19).

The reverse will not happen with the kid who chooses to live with me. S19 made that observation last week. He said it makes sense to visit me but not him. The biggest mistake WAH made was moving out. I got closer to the kids and he got further away. We were both further away but I got to fix it. He didn't. I've worked on myself in the past 6 months. He hasn't. From what the kids say he hasn't changed and that's not a good thing.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865580
09/17/19 02:30 PM
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Originally Posted by "Kas99"
The biggest mistake WAH made was moving out.

Agreed, moving away from the kids for 6+ months was a huge mistake if he wanted a strong relationship with them. When I moved out, my kids came with me. It's hard to fathom being away from a D14 so long.


Last edited by CWarrior; 09/17/19 02:30 PM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Moving soon [Re: CWarrior] #2865584
09/17/19 02:49 PM
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by "Kas99"
The biggest mistake WAH made was moving out.

Agreed, moving away from the kids for 6+ months was a huge mistake if he wanted a strong relationship with them. When I moved out, my kids came with me. It's hard to fathom being away from a D14 so long.



Okay you have to laugh with me on this. Laughing is better than crying right?

He imagined himself more central to the family (specifically me) than he really was. I was supposed to fall apart like I usually do when he leaves. That was the script in his head so if that happened he'd get to rush in and be the hero saving his kids from the misery of living with their mentally ill mother. S19 told me this. Eventually I'd be the one to leave (you know because I can't cope) and he'd get to live happily ever after just him and the kids while I rot somewhere in a mental institution (kidding).

Just like every other script in his head this one didn't quite go down like he thought it would. I started taking this AD and within days the depression lifted so instead of falling apart I rose from the ashes like a phoenix. I got stronger and he got left behind. He hasn't given up though he's fighting to gain some ground but you're right 6+ months is a long time.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865586
09/17/19 03:09 PM
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We are renting a house now from basically a slum lord type company. The houses are nice but like a roach hotel people go in but they don't come out. I knew this before we moved in so I had a plan in place for when we did eventually leave. WAH left so I had no time to implement my plan.

What they do is they ding you for all these repairs charging you thousands when you try to leave. The single owner of the house that I'm renting says this is a big money maker for rental companies. My plan was to have a stash of cash to handle this, be prepared to go to court, or both. Bottom line is we won't win.

Yesterday the rental company came to do a pre walk through you know to tell us how to optimize our chances of getting our deposit back (never going to happen). S19 is upset with me because I didn't bend over backwards to clean (I'm packing) before this guy showed up. I told him I'm one person and if he wanted the house clean he could clean it. S19 said WAH was working 2 jobs (am I supposed to feel bad for that??) I said I would clean as much as I could before I moved out but the rest would be on WAH.

So and this is funny this guy does the walk through, doesn't care about the mess (I predicted this) nope he goes for the big stuff. Says we need to mulch, fix the fence, report shingles being loose, wants all the scuff marks removed, he even said I needed to wash the front door oh and we need to repaint. The list went on and on. It's a total scam. S19 keeps telling me I need to at least minimize the amount we have to pay to get out. I can't get him to understand it's like a carnival game. The game is rigged and we can't win. This could be coming from WAH who also doesn't understand because I'm the researcher who handles the money.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2865589
09/17/19 03:37 PM
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