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A Message from Michele
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Re: DB questions [Re: kas99] #2865017
09/11/19 07:07 PM
09/11/19 07:07 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 163
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crdcheck Offline
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I have moments of sadness, exhaustion, stress. Some days are great (today so far, yesterday), others very grey (Monday). Each moment will pass.

Kas, one thing that strikes me as I read your posts is that it sounds like you've been very focused on correcting your own issues which is admirable. You seem very open with yourself (and us) and in tune with who you are, where you want to be as a person. One thing that I learned over the past year as I tried to save my marriage was that, all of my efforts, no matter how heroic, would not overcome the obstacle that is someone who sees no flaws in themselves. The condition of your MR is not 100% your responsibility, period. I'm not going to try to pick apart what is you and what is him but I would encourage you to consider that, if he sees himself as the victim here and having no responsibility for where things are, you probably don't want an R with him. Even if he returns you will always be on your toes trying to figure out if what you are doing is what he wants, always putting your needs in the back seat, and even if you can do that ("for the kids!") your resentment will build and build, while deep down he recognizes that it's an inauthentic relationship (no relationship can be so one-sided), and eventually one or both of you will boil over.

Having said that, DB (and other models) recognizes that we have the ability to unilaterally improve our relationships so that's not to say that this is hopeless - follow the suggestions from others here, other books.

So, TL:DR - you can't completely fix your MR yourself, your H has to be willing to work on his contributions to the MR.


M(35), W(35), D(4)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
W moved out Aug 13
In mediation with intent to dissolve as soon as possible
Homeless [Re: kas99] #2865026
09/11/19 08:09 PM
09/11/19 08:09 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 556
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kas99 Offline OP
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kas99  Offline OP
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Posts: 556
I don't make enough to rent an apartment (I tried) and I have to be out by Oct 31st. WAH can't be a cosigner or on the lease and its too late to lie.

I'm surprisingly calm. I think I'm in shock.

I'll answer the posts soon. I could really use some support right now.

Last edited by kas99; 09/11/19 08:09 PM.
Re: Homeless [Re: kas99] #2865044
09/11/19 09:18 PM
09/11/19 09:18 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 163
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Hi Kas,

Sorry to hear that, I would be in shock, too. a month and a half is not a lot of time but it's not nothing, either. I'm sure thta you've already consulted with family and friends to see if there are some temporary solutions that would give you some breathing space. There may also be services in your state/city for people in your situation. Is this an option? If you can't find any via google you may want to try calling local churches.

You're in my thoughts.


M(35), W(35), D(4)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
W moved out Aug 13
In mediation with intent to dissolve as soon as possible
Re: Homeless [Re: kas99] #2865071
09/12/19 12:51 AM
09/12/19 12:51 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 556
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kas99 Offline OP
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I stupidly sent WAH a text you know thinking heíd care that me and 2 kids donít have a place to live. I got crickets. We are apparently only talking through attorneys now. Kids and I went out again and found a place that might take my bank statements proving he pays child support. Iíll apply tomorrow.

So when I move out do I just take what I want since he wonít talk to me? We have no agreement. No court orders. Nothing. I donít want anything but a tv and everything in the kitchen.

Re: Homeless [Re: kas99] #2865072
09/12/19 12:56 AM
09/12/19 12:56 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 3,022
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LH19 Online
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K,

Come on now. You know you canít guilt him back.

As for things in the house try to come to some sort of an agreement in advance.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Homeless [Re: LH19] #2865075
09/12/19 01:06 AM
09/12/19 01:06 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 556
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kas99 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
K,

Come on now. You know you canít guilt him back.

As for things in the house try to come to some sort of an agreement in advance.


Rookie mistake. Wonít happen again. Iíve contacted him twice in 6 weeks so my dignity is still in tact. I donít feel bad. I think that means Iím healing.

How do we come up with an agreement if he wonít answer me?

Last edited by kas99; 09/12/19 01:13 AM.
Re: Homeless [Re: kas99] #2865077
09/12/19 01:22 AM
09/12/19 01:22 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 656
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CWarrior Offline
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Originally Posted by "kas99"
I stupidly sent WAH a text you know thinking heíd care that me and 2 kids donít have a place to live. I got crickets. Kids and I went out again and found a place.

Hi Kas99, good job finding a place to live! I'd be texting him about interim alimony+child support, and if he won't agree, getting your attorney to begin some emergency order. You still have 50 days.

Google says it takes 3-4 weeks to receive temporary support?

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/12/19 01:25 AM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Homeless [Re: kas99] #2865078
09/12/19 01:22 AM
09/12/19 01:22 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 163
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crdcheck Offline
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Is there any reason not to serve him papers?


M(35), W(35), D(4)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
W moved out Aug 13
In mediation with intent to dissolve as soon as possible
Re: Homeless [Re: kas99] #2865080
09/12/19 01:37 AM
09/12/19 01:37 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 3,022
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LH19 Online
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Any time you want to reach out to him, run it by the board first.

H this is what I am taking from the home. If you have any objections please let me know.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Homeless [Re: CWarrior] #2865088
09/12/19 03:48 AM
09/12/19 03:48 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 556
K
kas99 Offline OP
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kas99  Offline OP
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K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 556
Quote
Hi Kas99, good job finding a place to live! I'd be texting him about interim alimony+child support, and if he won't agree, getting your attorney to begin some emergency order. You still have 50 days.

Google says it takes 3-4 weeks to receive temporary support?


I've contacted him twice in 6 weeks. 1) can't rent a place and 2) to ask about alimony+child support. THREE sentences. Three. I knew he wouldn't answer. His shark of an attorney has told him not to talk to me. Fun right?

I've got a call into my attorney but she hasn't called me back. So frustrating.

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