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Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864848
09/10/19 02:09 PM
09/10/19 02:09 PM
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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You have children together so there will always be contact.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
Re: Moving soon [Re: LH19] #2864856
09/10/19 03:52 PM
09/10/19 03:52 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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kas99  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
You have children together so there will always be contact.


Our kids are teens so no need for direct contact.

Does indirect contact count? The kids talk about him otherwise I'd know nothing.

Last edited by kas99; 09/10/19 03:57 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864861
09/10/19 04:15 PM
09/10/19 04:15 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,308
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AnotherStander Offline
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Kas, you've got to stop being so needy and desperate. He'll never be attracted back as long as you remain like that. You've got to accept that he's gone, that he may very well never come back, and put your life on track accordingly. Pull it together. Get things in order. Find some GAL activities and get out and do them. Quit scouring the internet for answers. Quit reading other sitches and comparing it to your own. Quit calculating timelines. Make a life for yourself WITHOUT him. This is quite literally your only chance of ever having a shot at reconciling- first establish your own life.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Moving soon [Re: AnotherStander] #2864871
09/10/19 05:11 PM
09/10/19 05:11 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Kas, you've got to stop being so needy and desperate. He'll never be attracted back as long as you remain like that. You've got to accept that he's gone, that he may very well never come back, and put your life on track accordingly. Pull it together. Get things in order. Find some GAL activities and get out and do them. Quit scouring the internet for answers. Quit reading other sitches and comparing it to your own. Quit calculating timelines. Make a life for yourself WITHOUT him. This is quite literally your only chance of ever having a shot at reconciling- first establish your own life.


Thank you for your response I needed to hear this.

This is pathetic but I don't know how to function without a man in my life. My anxiety has already driven me to find two men to talk to since WAH left. I didn't do anything stupid but I sure thought about it.

I'm white knuckling it for now and coping by reading the internet. I don't know what else to do especially when I'm at work. I'm behind and yet I'm here again reading the internet. I have to stop and so far I've been unsuccessful.

Thankfully I'm at work and unless WAH is a mind reader he doesn't know that I'm needy and desperate. At home I'm super busy with the kids and I'm happier there than I am here.

Last edited by kas99; 09/10/19 05:20 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864873
09/10/19 05:23 PM
09/10/19 05:23 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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kas99  Offline OP
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I'm open for any and all suggestions to handle this specifically at work. Work is where I'm the saddest.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864875
09/10/19 05:31 PM
09/10/19 05:31 PM
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neffer Offline
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First of all, just relax, breathe. Dont fuel your anxiety. Stay calm. You are in control of your life.

Then GAL. Have a schedule to do things that you enjoy. Get one book you want to read, take a walk, take a shower. Try to be living in your present time.

You are the one who rule your world.

Time and patience. Keep working on yourself kas!


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864879
09/10/19 05:49 PM
09/10/19 05:49 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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I can do all those things at home. I was spending hours at home on the Internet but Ive cut it back to an hour. I need to go to bed though. The kids go to bed at 10 and then I scour the Internet for an hour.

At work Ive been spending most of the day online. Im going to get in trouble if I dont stop.

What do I do at work that is similar to taking a walk?

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864892
09/10/19 08:40 PM
09/10/19 08:40 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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Truth time. Steve85 came clean and now I want to as well. Please be nice.

I had been in IC for 20 year and was doing okay but had not yet been dx with bipolar disorder. I had been dx with PTSD. The housing market crashed and we had to move into a tiny apartment. I flipped out and escaped into the internet. I met this guy and he was just a friend. WAH found out and came unglued. At first he accused me of cheating but later realized I hadn't. No sexting, no pictures, nothing. He got over this.

This made him dig deep into my past and he didn't like anything he found. He interrogated me until he was satisfied he knew everything. I came clean and told him that I cheated on him with an ex 3 months after we met. There was no way around this. He knew I was hiding something and it only got worse from there. He accused me of lying about my number (it's 5). Was angry that I had a fun life with guys and he wasn't exactly a hit with women. There was this deep regret that he'd missed out on the casual sex I had. This was unfair because what he called a ONS was actually a guy I was dating who dumped me. The other was a close friend who I thought could be more. He said I took his choice away from him. I was a dumb 23 year old. When he asked me number I answered. I didn't know I was supposed to give him a play by play on every guy I made out with. He shamed me badly.

This was 6 years ago and we've never been the same since. I wanted him to sleep with other women so his number would be higher than mine. I wanted to divorce him to give him his choice back. I thought if he divorced me then his decision to come back would be HIS. He would make the decision this time knowing all the facts. If he did this and came back we'd be equal and he'd stop being angry with me. If he didn't then I would let him go because it was better than living like this.

During this time we experience hysterical bonding so our sex life took off. Before this I had the higher drive. This part was great but I felt shamed for my sexuality so I struggled to be fully vulnerable with him. We argued a lot but we also had fun. We were that couple that everyone envied and it wasn't an act it was real. We were still arguing more than we ever had. Lots of ups and downs. There was this underlying current of he was angry at me. When we fought (not all that often) I brought up divorce again as an option or a separation. I wanted to give him his choice back and I thought I deserved to be punished. The only obstacle was our kids. I couldn't do it to them.

When asked how long he'd been planning to leave me he said a few months. He said I'm the one who put the idea into his head. True but of course I hoped he wouldn't take me up on it.

I don't like telling this story because all I get is hatred. I didn't know I was bipolar and I made bad decisions while manic. I'm grateful that this is the worst I did. My sister is bipolar and she was picking up men off Craigslist. I had one person tell me that he took me up on punishing me. He wants me to suffer as he has suffered and this would take years. When he left he said it was because I was "crazy". In one of his rants he brought up my past. I think this was his cover story to the kids. It's easier to say he left because I'm mentally ill than to say he left me because I'm a cheater.

One more thing that ex? He physically abused me and I had him arrested. He came back (I remember this part). I know we had sex (I have a 20 second memory in my head) but I don't remember anything else. WAH would ask did we go to dinner? How did he know where I lived? I have no idea. I did lie which makes me a cheater. He asked if the sex was consensual and I thought it was but now I'm not so sure. Again I was a dumb 23 year old.

If you made it this far a reminder please be nice.



Last edited by kas99; 09/10/19 08:48 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864899
09/10/19 09:01 PM
09/10/19 09:01 PM
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Posts: 561
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kas99 Offline OP
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I do think after my past came out he lost all patience with my mental illness. He went from helping me with triggers to getting angry when I had them. Went from trying to reassure me to wanting to take care of himself. All this resentment he'd been holding in came out bit by bit until he exploded. He set me up btw. He started planning to leave me and decided to wait until I triggered again. He needed validation that he was doing the right thing. It took 3 months. 3 months of doing well then I flipped out while he was out of town for 2 weeks straight. He came home, we had a romantic weekend (he knew it was our last) then he BD on Sunday.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864905
09/10/19 09:26 PM
09/10/19 09:26 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 561
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kas99 Offline OP
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kas99  Offline OP
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His story is still that he left because I'm crazy. I apologize for not telling this story before. I wanted to believe that these things weren't connected since they are 6 years apart but I'm thinking I'm wrong.

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