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A Message from Michele
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Moving soon #2864607
09/08/19 10:50 PM
09/08/19 10:50 PM
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kas99 Online OP
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kas99  Online OP
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Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864609
09/08/19 11:11 PM
09/08/19 11:11 PM
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CWarrior Offline
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Originally Posted by "kas99"
If my WAH knows I'm on new meds and am getting better does this increase my chances of him coming back years down the road? Please don't tell me that by that time I won't care anymore. I need hope today.

Hi Kas,

I considered this for you today. I left my ex-wife because of her mental health issues.. but after I checked out 9yrs ago.. I'd have needed more than that to give it another shot. Key issues: stinginess (zero vacations in our 5-year marriage), mediocre sex (her parents had separate bedrooms), no hobbies (and wouldn't join mine after marriage). That said, if I saw evidence of change in multiple dimensions (e.g., healthy, taking the kids on interesting vacations, joined some group that related to a hobby)? She could've had a shot! A slow, slow shot. Obviously, making the family "gel" is far easier with an ex partner!

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/08/19 11:16 PM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Moving soon [Re: CWarrior] #2864615
09/09/19 12:21 AM
09/09/19 12:21 AM
Joined: May 2019
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kas99 Online OP
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Quote
I considered this for you today. I left my ex-wife because of her mental health issues.. but after I checked out 9yrs ago.. I'd have needed more than that to give it another shot. Key issues: stinginess (zero vacations in our 5-year marriage), mediocre sex (her parents had separate bedrooms), no hobbies (and wouldn't join mine after marriage). That said, if I saw evidence of change in multiple dimensions (e.g., healthy, taking the kids on interesting vacations, joined some group that related to a hobby)? She could've had a shot! A slow, slow shot. Obviously, making the family "gel" is far easier with an ex partner!


Thank you so much for answering me.

Lets see I'm not stingy, we had great sex, we had shared hobbies, we took vacations, etc. The day he BD he said I was witty, hot and that he'd miss the sex. Then he went onto my flaws and said I'd never change.

Here is where I screwed up. My anxiety drove my anger (a huge problem) and my controlling behavior. I was beyond needy (anxiety) and would get angry if he left me. Not all the time no but I did struggle with being alone. Then there was the depression. I felt like I was a in fog just going through the motions. When stressed I'd do the classic losing interest in things. So anger (anxiety) and depression.

I'm now on Elavil which is an anti depressant/anti anxiety med combo. The anxiety and depression are gone. I'm calm and for the most part my mood is good. There isn't a pill that can take this type of sadness go away.

My kids tell him I'm a different person.

I was just wondering if once he's done being angry at me would he try again once I've proved I've fixed it.

Or he is just done?

Thoughts?

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864666
09/09/19 12:26 PM
09/09/19 12:26 PM
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kas99 Online OP
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CWarrior it will take years for him to let go of resentment and anger. Because I couldn't be alone he assumes I will date immediately. Yes I've had problems flirting too much. I've already talked to a guy since he left so he's not wrong. It was online and I ended it when he started making plans to visit me. It was then that I realized that I needed to fix that too. I decided to focus on my kids and besides I need to learn how to be alone.

I've got quite a few things to fix I'm aware. I just wanted some hope, something to hold onto. He's my best friend and the love of my life. 30 years is a lot

Last edited by kas99; 09/09/19 12:36 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864670
09/09/19 12:41 PM
09/09/19 12:41 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
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neffer Offline
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Hey kas, I figure youíve read about the time and patience thing dozen of times. Just give yourself that. Time and patience. Keep knowing yourself better, keep growing as a whole person. You need to face that consciously. Thatís the way to fight anxiety. Trust yourself, respect yourself. Be the lighthouse.

Time and patience.

Hope.

(((Kas)))


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Moving soon [Re: neffer] #2864676
09/09/19 01:13 PM
09/09/19 01:13 PM
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kas99 Online OP
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Quote
Hey kas, I figure youíve read about the time and patience thing dozen of times. Just give yourself that. Time and patience. Keep knowing yourself better, keep growing as a whole person. You need to face that consciously. Thatís the way to fight anxiety. Trust yourself, respect yourself. Be the lighthouse.


Meds have calmed my brain down enough so I can be patient. I sometimes wonder if WAH has noticed. Before meds I would have worn him out with calls and text messages. I've cooperated, been patient, haven't bothered him, I never contact him unless he contacts me first. It wasn't manipulative I just didn't see the point fighting someone who wants to leave me. Might hurt l like hell but I will let him go.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864680
09/09/19 01:42 PM
09/09/19 01:42 PM
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kas99 Online OP
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When my parents disowned me I had hope they'd come back. I needed to have hope. My parents did come back a year later. By then I was just strong enough to agree only if they attended counseling with me. Before the year I would have swept the whole thing under the rug just to get them back.

I need to have hope now. Right now he's free doing all the things I wouldn't let him do. Free from the nagging and the controlling behavior. I have to believe that at some point after he's had his fill of freedom he will miss me and the kids. That he will wonder if my changes are permanent. I'm sure he will date so then I pray he doesn't replace me.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864684
09/09/19 02:08 PM
09/09/19 02:08 PM
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neffer Offline
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Well, all changes are for yourself. You grow as awoafwl. Then is gonna be his loss.

Have hope. Live reality. You wait for no one. GAL, DB!

Be the lighthouse. Light illuminates lives. Shine there!


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Moving soon [Re: neffer] #2864701
09/09/19 02:46 PM
09/09/19 02:46 PM
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kas99 Online OP
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Originally Posted by neffer
Well, all changes are for yourself. You grow as awoafwl. Then is gonna be his loss.

Have hope. Live reality. You wait for no one. GAL, DB!

Be the lighthouse. Light illuminates lives. Shine there!


I'm changing for me and my kids. Once I get better it will be his loss.

I am the lighthouse. Yesterday I wanted to nap but one by one my kids wanted my full attention and I gave it to them. I see their faces light up as I listen intently to every word they say. This is part of the new me and seeing them happy makes me happy.

If I wait on him or put my life on hold I lose everything. I'm so tired and I'm tempted to call in sick or sleep all weekend. Thing is I do this I lose not only my chance with WAH but I damage the relationships with my kids that I've worked so hard for.

This is why I need hope right now. I'm 5.5 months separated and hope is what keeps me going. I know he isn't coming back anytime soon my hope is for years out.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864704
09/09/19 03:10 PM
09/09/19 03:10 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 1,909
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neffer Offline
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You take care consciously of yourself. Just as you have been doing. Keep growing as a person and being the role model your kids should follow. Keep doing what work for you.

Be strong. It takes time. Keep DB kas!


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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