Hey guys! Long time no write . I lost my password and had changed email addresses when we moved, so I couldn't get back into my account. I was Miler...now I'm Miler2. Here is a link to my longstanding situation.
We are what I imagine is piecing.It's been a long road filled with ups and downs. In May, I told her I wanted out. I was clearly being impatient, but not only were my needs not getting met, she was downright being mean (despite saying she didn't want a divorce and wanted things to work out between us). When I told her this, she sorta flipped. She asked what it was exactly I wanted. I told her I wanted to feel like we were working things back together...slowly and for the most part working on ourselves. She said she would try her best to work on the relationship, but she needed to see long term change from me, she needed to heal herself, and she didn't want to feel any pressure from me for our relationship to change. I agreed. We went to a party the next night and she acted very warm to me. Since then, it has been a slow process. We've had sex 3 or 4 times since then. We've had minimal physical affection (a good deal of it when we went on family vacation), and then more recently when we dropped D18 off at college.
Life at home is SO different. I have done a ton of 180s (started jiu jitsu classes 4 days a week beginning in March - already got a stripe on my belt, have read a ton of books about acceptance, healthy relationships, communication, self-improvement, etc., have been in IC for 4 months now once a week, and have just been a more caring and loving person to everyone). Since May, we haven't had any major conflict. I support her in whatever she chooses to do, I am never judgmental or grouchy, I take my time with the kids, I truly listen to what she is saying and practice empathetic listening and validation. Life is way different for me AND her.
The last time we were in therapy together (we go every other week now) she said she has definitely notice the positive changes. She needs time to trust and believe in the changes, especially since I am so different. She really wants to build a relationship where we can lean into each other, be each other's support and partner....however, she still has difficulty letting down that wall with me. She admitted that she is more trusting of me, she feels we are more connected than we ever have been, but she still doesn't feel completely safe with me. She says she definitely feels like the pressure has been off for a while, but she gets the sense that every once in a while I get impatient that we aren't completely back to normal. She fears that if we just jump back in, that all the changes could go away and we could still sweep some of the things that need to get addressed under the rug. She also admitted that sometimes she feels like saying ILU or having sex or being phyically affectionate but doesn't because she fears I wlll revert back to who I was. I completely understand that, but I would LOVE some physical affection...just to feel loved . I know, the fact that she's more open with me than she ever has been is a huge sign of love. I just miss and want her saying ILU and touching me. It's not totally absent like it was 3 months ago. Occasionally she'll say ILU or give me a kiss as she heads to the gym or grocery. She's definitely warmer in communication that she has been in 20 years!
I need to just keep plugging away! It's hard guys, super hard...
Sounds like thing are progressing really well. In this process you need patience and then more patience then even more patience. Sounds like you are making real progress on your 180s and improving yourself.
How about her? As we know the downfall of a relationship is never one sided?
Well, she has been primarily focused on trusting...trusting me AND her own internal voice. She said she felt like she changed who she was to try to make me happy. After 20 years of that, she lost who she was. She wants to find herself (which she admits she has made a lot of progress) she wants to be herself (without fear of being judged by me), and she wants to feel unconditional love and support from those around her. Part of this is me obviously...I have to love her for who she is, not try to control or manipulate her with actions, words, or lack thereof. Acceptance. She wants to feel accepted.
Hey Miler, welcome back! I think Cadet or Job can help you with your old account and combine these messages with the old ones, you might report your own post and explain the situation to them (there's a "report" button next to your message, you can click on it and type a message that they will receive).
Congrats on piecing! Sounds like you're off to a good start. Just be patient, it takes time and a lot of effort! KEep up that GAL, sounds like you're doing good on that front!
Thanks guys, I'll tell you...this is the hardest thing ever. There are so many days that I just want to give up. I think about what could be...how I could be happier with someone else, that there is more out there. But as Steve has pointed out on another thread, it may feel that way until you go through D. Plus I think about how content and well the kids are doing. That's a huge motivator.
Wondering if anyone else has read "WHAT RADICAL HUSBANDS DO: 12 steps to win and keep your wife" Step 2 is Burn the ships! The ships meaning any way off the island. If a guy whose marriage is in trouble doesn't have a backup plan, then it's likely some woman in theory. You've got to burn all the back up plans, including the "possible." That's my struggle. I just want her to show me and tell me she loves me in the way that make ME feel loved. It's not sex, but it is physical touching and letting me know how much I mean to you. I just don't get that...and haven't for nearly 10 months. Patience is OH so HARD!
I think I also struggle with EXPECTATIONS. Expect that things should be a certain way. Like, hey, we've been doing really great for a few month now, I'm a better person, we are all so much happier now...let's get back to US! When those expectations creep in, so does the anxiety...which sets everything back. ANXIETY is an intimacy killer. It can be a nasty cycle...
Some days are better than others...but thankfully most days are very positive! Thankful for everyone's support!
. I lost my password and had changed email addresses when we moved, so I couldn't get back into my account. I was Miler...now I'm Miler2. Here is a link to my longstanding situation.
. I know, the fact that she's more open with me than she ever has been is a huge sign of love. I just miss and want her saying ILU and touching me. It's not totally absent like it was 3 months ago. Occasionally she'll say ILU or give me a kiss as she heads to the gym or grocery. She's definitely warmer in communication that she has been in 20 years!