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A Message from Michele
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Re: More advice please-I might email him [Re: CanBird] #2864059
09/04/19 05:28 PM
09/04/19 05:28 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,570
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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job  Offline

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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,570
Southern Maryland
DO NOT SEND THAT LETTER/TEXT!!! Place it in a box and sit it up on a shelf or burn the letter later. Sending that letter will not help your situation and it just might push him further and further away. That letter will only make him feel even more guilty about what he's done in the past.

Keep the focus on you and your upcoming trip. There will come a time to discuss that affair from years ago, but now is not the time to do so. Give him plenty of space and time to choke on.

Go, have a good time and leave the MLC mess behind you. Dig deeper for patience and when you sit quietly, the answers will come.

Keep your focus on you and what you need to do to get ready for your trip. BTW, when he asks a lot of questions about what is going on up at your place, be vague...you do not have to go into detail about anything. If he wants to know something, then he needs to bring himself up there and find out for himself. You do not need to be chatty w/him. Answer short and sweet and/or change the subject if you don't want him to know something.

Re: More advice please-I might email him [Re: BarbH] #2864062
09/04/19 05:32 PM
09/04/19 05:32 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
BC, Canada
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BarbH Offline OP
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BarbH  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
BC, Canada
Thanks Job-I knew if i posted here first someone would slap me silly! I'm not chatty at all any more, but I find he is becoming more so. He'll be up here tomorrow so I need to brace myself. Unfortunately, all my coffee dates are in town today and I need to get the house organized tomorrow so can't leave. I'll just keep busy. Booking a db coaching session too.

the only place that letter is available is here, on the board. It helped just to write it out.


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Re: More advice please-I might email him [Re: BarbH] #2864063
09/04/19 05:33 PM
09/04/19 05:33 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
BC, Canada
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BarbH Offline OP
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BarbH  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
BC, Canada
Guilt vs MLC

Potato/potato right? (Imagine the pronunciation)


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Re: More advice please-I might email him [Re: BarbH] #2864065
09/04/19 05:42 PM
09/04/19 05:42 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,570
Southern Maryland
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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,570
Southern Maryland
Barb,

If he becomes Chatty Cathy, listen and listen closely. They love to chat about anything and everything and if you really listen, he may tell you things that you weren't even aware. Nod, smile and validate. I know that this will make you angry, but trust me, you need to become the best actress that you can be when you are around him. Once he's gone, scream all you want of beat the stuffing's out of a pillow.

Re: More advice please-I might email him [Re: BarbH] #2864108
09/04/19 09:51 PM
09/04/19 09:51 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,224
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DejaVu6 Offline
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,224
Yes… do NOT send that letter. Read it as if you are him and notice how it makes you feel. If your intention is to shame him and blame him 100% and push him further away, this will do it. Are you wrong? Probably less wrong than he is. But...what is your goal? Understanding, forgiveness and reconciliation or being right? One of the things, I think, that prevents WASs from returning is the sheer weight of the shame and the guilt and having to face it all and then living with it every day alongside the person who now knows what a jerk you've been...for my H, it was five years and for your H...15!!! He has been living with this for 15 years. Believe me, you do not need to make him feel worse.

What you want to show him, if R is what you truly want, is that you won't spend the next 15 years throwing this in his face whenever you have a disagreement. I'm not suggesting he get a free pass but beating him over the head with the past is not going to help. I KNOW this is the main thing that prevented my H from wanting to try again...he had a few days where he was going to...but it was just too much and looked too hard from his perspective. He had to start over and try to reinvent himself with someone new. His ego and self esteem was just too beat up for him to do anything else.

Like everyone else has suggested... take the focus off him. Step back. Take your trip. Enjoy yourself and really, really think about what it is you would like going forward. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: More advice please-I might email him [Re: BarbH] #2864120
09/05/19 12:41 AM
09/05/19 12:41 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
BC, Canada
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BarbH Offline OP
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BarbH  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
BC, Canada
Hi DV6-I've already told him I've forgiven the affair itself, and I've promised I won't throw it in his face. I'm having a great deal of difficulty reconciling myself with the last 15 years.

I feel I've been lied to for 15 years. And its not as if he said to himself "self, I really messed up and I don't want her to know so I am going to be the best husband possible". No. Our marriage was rocky (i would have said communication issues) and he wouldn't go to counselling or address it. So really, he had an affair, then lied to me for 15 years, then tried to leave with a vague "I need space" comment after attempting to have another affair.

I know he's feeling incredibly guilty. So when you say yours had a few days where he was going to try, but it was too much and looked too hard-I have the feeling this may be my situation too. He hasn't worked in our marriage in years, and I hate to think he's not man enough to do it now.

Then I try to balance it off with statements he's making lately like "I like spending time with you", and the "I love you" of the other day. And the fact that he voluntarily broke off his work affair before I found out. I am so confused.

so it's not so much the affair, although I do have questions about it of course, its the lying and lack of effort afterwards.

I'm really just venting here now, because my head is spinning.

I'm really having trouble deciding now if I want to reconcile. I will be talking to my therapist about that. I feel used.

So thank you all for allowing me to vent. For now, I haven't sent the email, and I won't. I have a DB coaching session booked tomorrow, and H is supposed to be here tomorrow as well (later). He has said we will talk when I am back. I wish I knew what he was going to say!

For now, i will vent here. I will enjoy my vacation. We will get the refinance done at the end of the month. We will talk when I get back (I guess). I will see my therapist. I will talk to DB coach. I will stand for now, but that is getting more and more tenuous.

Its a hard, hard day.


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Journaling/depressed [Re: BarbH] #2864213
09/05/19 08:14 PM
09/05/19 08:14 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
BC, Canada
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BarbH Offline OP
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BarbH  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
BC, Canada
Just spoke with Lenny at DB...she's optimistic for us! (yay). But here I am feeling down in the dumps again. Texted H asking him to bring up the blue suitcase when he comes up (he had said he'd be up today). "I'm in town, I'll text you when I'm back at sister's". Oh. I texted and just said "sorry, thought you said you were up today, must have misunderstood! I'm in town tomorrow, should I just pick it up there?".

How can I be "friendly" when I don't see him? Here I told Lenny I see him about once a week. I know he's probably still scared after his "big reveal" of the PA but that was a week ago. Honestly I'm having such a hard time and feeling so depressed about the whole thing.

How has him telling about the affair not seem to change anything?? It just feels like he's left all over again.


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Re: Journaling/depressed [Re: BarbH] #2864214
09/05/19 08:26 PM
09/05/19 08:26 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
BC, Canada
B
BarbH Offline OP
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BarbH  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
BC, Canada
I guess I do see him about once a week. Hopefully sometime this set of days off, hopefully before I leave for Halifax. Hopefully before we "talk" about whatever we are talking about when I get back. I don't want a relationship talk unless he's saying he wants to come back. I don't want to hear he's moving out. I don't want to hear he thinks it's hopeless. I will just keep on being upbeat/pma/friendly. Good thing i have counsellor tomorrow.

I hoped his confession was such a breakthrough. Maybe he just thinks it means now he can be free without feeling guilty about me thinking it was about me.


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Re: Journaling/depressed [Re: BarbH] #2864243
09/06/19 12:53 AM
09/06/19 12:53 AM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 880
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Gerda Offline
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 880
Barb, I am not posting so much these days but sometimes I read your thread. I am sorry for what you are going through!

I am struck when I read your posts, and in general the posts of people new to this, by something I also thought in the beginning, that your sitch will be different in terms of how long it takes. I thought that about mine, and I am on year seven. Not that yours will go that long, but two months is not long enough for anyone. Thinking you should work it out now will only ensure that you get another crisis soon thereafter. If you just started posting here in July, your H is at the very beginning and that you should not think about anything he says or does at all. There is simply no way that he is going to be able to go through what he needs to go through this quickly if you want to actually have a real H back at some point. If you don't let him run through his whole crisis, he is not going to heal. NOTHING you say or do will change him. All you can do is be kind and open to him. But all your questions about why he doesn't want to try, what he believes about your marriage, what is his timeline, all of that is just pointless with MLC. Your sister-in-law has no idea because she thinks this is just about an affair or a decision. If he is really in MLC, you do not want to have any R talk or take anything he says seriously as far as your R for a year or two. If you love him, let him go down this long dark road so he can get through it.

One thing that helped me in the beginning was writing a list of all the expectations I had of H and our marriage under the heading "Expectations of H that I Surrender." I put it away and take it out maybe every six months. When I look at that list now, I can't believe how far I have come. You are still operating under the expectations you had when he was the real H. If he is in MLC, he is not that man right now. Don't try to get anything out of the guy he is right now. Distract yourself in any way you can, but let him go!


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Journaling/depressed [Re: BarbH] #2864265
09/06/19 04:38 AM
09/06/19 04:38 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
BC, Canada
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BarbH Offline OP
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BarbH  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
BC, Canada
Thank you Gerda. I've been reading your threads too, and honestly I don't know how you have the patience and fortitude.

You're right, I just want this over and done, and quickly! The path back home seems so obvious to me. I spoke with Lenny today, and we aren't sure if this is MLC or not-potentially his MLC was at 45 when he had the affair in the first place-and now we're dealing with residue guilt.

Regardless, I am working on being kind, being the lighthouse, being the safe harbour. He appears to not (at least) be lying to me, he is asking his sister questions, and she is passing them onto me. It's like he is testing out our situation. I'm okay now with contact every week or so, and pleasant conversations.
He also seems to be worried about coming back too soon. He's mentioned more than once, "what if we reconcile and 2 years from now we're in the same boat?" It's a good question.
He's never spewed at me, never bad mouthed me to anyone. I do think he is working his way through. I also think I'm willing (at this point) to consider giving him a couple of years.

Thank you for your kindness. I just have these awful despairing moments.


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
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