If it comes down to a nasty court battle you are going to be hard pressed not getting at least joint (50/50) custody unless you have a history of recorded abuse. Judges don't want to break a family apart and are aware that kids need the role of both parents for development. Just take your L's advice, they are your advocate and will protect your rights as a father. I've found that a female L representing other men that I have seen go through the D process with a custody battle seem to get a more favorable outcome, at least in my area.
The L I consulted a few months ago was female.
There is no legal history of abuse. I wrote some apology letters in April that went over the top (trying to save the MR) and would probably be used as evidence in court if it got nasty. The L wasn't worried at the time but she didn't read the letters.
I don't know how I'm going to do this on my own. I am so accustomed to my W's support with the kids. I don't feel fit as a father to do this. I'm not used to doctor appointments and school volunteering and after-school activities.
Remember that you are planning to co-parent with your W even after D. You are not getting sole custody of the kids so she will still be there taking care of some of this and it will not be your sole responsibility. It will be a big change, hard initially but you will get used to the new routine and responsibilities over time.
Originally Posted by unchien
T I foresee things getting really awful between my W and I. A nasty court battle. Communication breakdown. The kids suffering in the middle. Abuse allegations. Slander. Living in fear that I am being documented and watched.
You are back in analysis paralysis. Just a thought here - one thing that may help is consulting with a lawyer. That way you get an idea of the best and worst case scenarios in the D and help you think to a plan rather than analyze all possible scenarios.
Take care of yourself. Eat well, meditate, exercise and most importantly don't hesitate to reach out for help whether it is going to a doctor, talking to a friend, increased IC sessions etc. This is very stressful but stay strong and be positive that things will be ok in the long term.
MLC - I can't being to describe how much some of your recent posts have helped me. Thank you for that.
I completely agree on co-parenting. I do have some hopes that we will eventually sort this out and be "amicable" - I know she shares that goal, even if her idea of what is best for the kids differs from mine. It won't be easy, but I will do my best to have a healthy relationship with her for my kids' sake.
You are right I'm completely in analysis paralysis. Part of that is uncertainty about what comes next.
I struggle with taking care of myself when the anxiety builds. My appetite drops, and hence my energy level drops and I don't feel like exercising. I fall asleep okay out of exhaustion, but if I wake up in the middle of the night, my brain starts firing up. I've been listening to a lot of podcasts, but nothing to do with self-improvement because it feeds into my anxiety at the moment. Just distracting entertaining things.
I've been going to weekly IC for about a year now, which is very helpful. And reaching out to friends who have been a huge help. Don't discount this forum which is another form of support. I recognize all the talking in the world won't help, I need to change my thinking patterns.
If you didn't admit any wrongdoing in regards to neglect of the kids then I wouldn't worry about it being introduced. Judges aren't concerned with whats going on between spouses, just whats best for the kids and BOTH parents being involved is usually in the best interest of the kids except is some severe cases IMO
I was a stay at home dad for the first 5 years of D13 life and have been the primary caregiver for all 13 years of her life. When she started ballet I learned to put her hair in a bun, at bed I sing her songs, while in gymnastics I learned to braid her hair, when she had a fever I took her to the doctors, when she threw up in bed I cleaned it up and took her to my bed, when she needed a shot I lovingly held her, when she cried for no reason my shoulder got wet, when she was bullied at school I taught her to stand up for herself, when she struggles with homework I sit down and help, when she is hungry I teach her to cook, when she needs time alone I love her from a distance, and when her mom left her I was there.
This was really touching, thank you. A few weeks ago I learned to fishtail-braid my daughters' hair. I completely get where you are coming from here.
I won't say much, U, because you have a lot of people supporting you right now - so don't feel the need to respond if you don't have time.
You wrote about the "next year of your life".
Do NOT think that far ahead. Please.
Think only about today. Yes, you will at some point have to think about things in the future, but that time is not now. Your emotions are going to be all over the map. Let things settle a bit, refocus, find your center again.
When things get stressful, narrow your timeline wayyyy down and focus on what is happening right now.
You are a smart guy and you knew this was all coming. And now it's happened.
If you didn't admit any wrongdoing in regards to neglect of the kids then I wouldn't worry about it being introduced. Judges aren't concerned with whats going on between spouses, just whats best for the kids and BOTH parents being involved is usually in the best interest of the kids except is some severe cases IMO
What I admitted to is something I think would be minimized by a L in court. I grabbed my son's leg when he was punching his sister. It didn't leave a mark, no police calls or anything.
The way I apologized was completely over the top and, well, if I have to face that demon, so be it.
When I was about to move out, my W claims I left the house without telling her while I was watching the kids. I did tell her, and at the time she was with all 3 kids, but she didn't hear me. She treated it like I was dangerous, like I might be watching the kids alone and just walk out of the house. (!) It was a minor thing. That is probably the other incident she would raise.
Right now we are in a roughly 28-72 custody split. I'd like to be 50-50 in a year ideally. I think there is a very clear way to morph our current schedule (4-10) into a 2-2-5-5 which would work quite well -- of course I doubt my W shares this view!
Think only about today. Yes, you will at some point have to think about things in the future, but that time is not now. Your emotions are going to be all over the map. Let things settle a bit, refocus, find your center again.
When things get stressful, narrow your timeline wayyyy down and focus on what is happening right now.
You are a smart guy and you knew this was all coming. And now it's happened.
And you survived it.
Stay strong, man.
Thanks IW - I know that I *can* find center, but that it will take me some time.
Back in April, before I found DB, I was home alone for about a week and suffered several (I think) mild panic attacks. 30-40 minutes of feeling like I couldn't breathe, lots of crying. I spent hours typing out my thoughts. I typed out several apology letters (in addition to the ones I had already given my W) and chose to delete them (thankfully). I called my IC 3 times that week.
I survived.
I recognize the symptoms now. Waves throughout the day, lasting about an hour, where I just want to release the tension. Then sometimes a calm feeling. Meditation helps me only when I'm in a calmer state but I'd like to get back to that.
It's a scary lonely feeling. Before this week, I can't say I was hoping to reconcile, but I at least felt somewhat stable in our situation (even though financially it was not sustainable in any way). My W was my rock for so many years. I let friendships tail off, I disconnected from my own family. I don't have that rock anymore. I have to fend for myself. It is scary, even though I know people do it all the time. I'm going to get through this, but it's going to take time.
[/quote] Thanks IW - I know that I *can* find center, but that it will take me some time.
Back in April, before I found DB, I was home alone for about a week and suffered several (I think) mild panic attacks. 30-40 minutes of feeling like I couldn't breathe, lots of crying. I spent hours typing out my thoughts. I typed out several apology letters (in addition to the ones I had already given my W) and chose to delete them (thankfully). I called my IC 3 times that week.
I survived.
I recognize the symptoms now. Waves throughout the day, lasting about an hour, where I just want to release the tension. Then sometimes a calm feeling. Meditation helps me only when I'm in a calmer state but I'd like to get back to that.
It's a scary lonely feeling. Before this week, I can't say I was hoping to reconcile, but I at least felt somewhat stable in our situation (even though financially it was not sustainable in any way). My W was my rock for so many years. I let friendships tail off, I disconnected from my own family. I don't have that rock anymore. I have to fend for myself. It is scary, even though I know people do it all the time. I'm going to get through this, but it's going to take time.
[/quote]
Reconnect with your family and friends, make new friends, and never let those relationships fall by the wayside again. Make it a point to stay connected. It's too important.
You should be the rock - for yourself, your woman, your family and friends. Everyone has weak moments and for that you have one or two friends or family members to confide in or lean on, but otherwise just be the rock. It's not hard to accomplish once you establish the mindset.
You know what you have to do. You can do it. You have a fantastic life ahead that is waiting for you, you just have to reach out and take it.
Reconnect with your family and friends, make new friends, and never let those relationships fall by the wayside again. Make it a point to stay connected. It's too important.
You should be the rock - for yourself, your woman, your family and friends. Everyone has weak moments and for that you have one or two friends or family members to confide in or lean on, but otherwise just be the rock. It's not hard to accomplish once you establish the mindset.
You know what you have to do. You can do it. You have a fantastic life ahead that is waiting for you, you just have to reach out and take it.
I have to create my own support network, piece by piece. I have a theory this is why so many D'd men jump right back into the rebound relationship.
These 3 months of separation have been really bizarre. Sometimes I feel like I am in my 20s, leaving dirty dishes in the sink, doing laundry whenever I want. I feel... not as much of an adult. I saw a quote recently: "Your kids will never remember how clean you kept your house." But I have seen glimpses of the fantastic life you talk about. Special moments with my kids, moments I didn't have as often before. Sunset surfing on the beautiful Pacific Ocean. Buliding my own kitchen table. Honestly, I know it's right there for the taking, I just need to exchange 3 custody days every 2 weeks and everything else will sort it self out =)
Gekko, I always like reading your thread because you sound in command. I'm guessing you don't have the same NGS tendencies as many of us here. It helps a lot to realize the faultiness in my thinking at times.
You don't necessarily need to retain a lawyer, but you absolutely need to have a few consultations with lawyers now, and ask them in advance that you want to talk about the future 50-50 scenario. Its either a very smart or very terrible move, depending on your jurisdiction. When you do consult, what you need to ask is if there is precedent for this in your area, how binding would a separation agreement be over time, and what is an appropriate and enforceable timeline.
The smart part of this is that she is probably thinking very short term and you can give up more short term for a better long term solution. The negative is that you are kicking the can down the road, no matter what she agrees to now, assume this will be a fight and the more time you give up primary custody and pay her support, the stronger her position gets to preserve this as status quo. It is often impossible to make any changes to a situation after a year. And she has made zero sacrifices so far - whether it is now, 6 months or 2 years it doesn't matter, she will fight any changes. And while you may think its better for the kids if she doesn't work full time now, I would disagree. I think its more important they get equal time with happy parents even if that means a couple more days of daycare.
So, I would look into something along the lines of at most a 6 month transition to 50-50, something like a 2 year limit on spousal support, and also write in long term expenses like activities and college should be 50-50. If you think its hard to pay the bills now, just wait 10 years. Also, I would give a deadline for her to sell or vacate the house and then you move back in. She will probably sabotage selling it for as long as she can since you are footing the bill, so pick a date based on how long you can afford knowing it wont sell until she vacates.
I know this is all scary, but continuing on in your current path was really the worst outcome. Now things are moving. Accept that it will get worse before it gets better, but know that it will get better.
All this advice sounds great to me.
On the house, we are talking next week. I have no desire to move back, I assume she wants to talk about selling it, or how she plans to stay (which I think is financially impossible for her now that I know the recommended support payments, etc.).
