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The last straw #2864177
09/05/19 03:07 PM
09/05/19 03:07 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 19
Z
Zip Offline OP
New Member
Zip  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 19
I find it tough to be here but like others, I am at the last stages of M. Been M for 32 yrs and with for 37yrs. Hard to explain all that has led to this other than trust issues. 15 yrs ago W told me she couldnt go on with me. She stated she was confused and gave the ILYBNWY. This came as a complete shock to me. We had just bought a farm and became friends with the prior owner. I found out just before settlement he was going thru a D which is why it was for sale. The sale was outside of a normal purchase as it was being auctioned. Reason I bring this up is it created a lot of correspondence with him vs thru an agent. My W became very fond of him and his son who was close to the same age as D2. I didn't think much of it but found he and W were spending time together during the day when everyone was at work or school. She just admitted to an EA with him this August due to her IC stating she should come clean. She denied this at the time and we both went to IC and MC. I spent 1 1/2 yrs in IC and we went to MC for a couple of months to work out what i thought were the issues. She said I didnt treat her right and she was much apposed to adult films we would watch. Porn was a big part of her issue which she never shared with me before . We ended this practice as a couple.

Intimacy was sparse and I eventually would seek relief from the internet. She found some correspondence with other women which was just that. There were other times she accused me having a relationship with a co worker and an email which was questionable. The co worker and I traveled out of state for a few days at a time and another co worker felt it important to call my W and spread a rumor of us drinking wine on a bed together. The rumor passed through 3 parties prior to getting to my W. The email which was 3 yrs ago was a contact I was receiving business information and had a bit of a questionable tone to it. I explained why it was written but she apparently never accepted this. After this email had been found by her, all intimacy stopped. Its been a very rocky 3 yrs with me begging for us to work on these issues. I pleaded for us to go to MC. She wouldn't agree stating it didn't work the first time when we attended 15 yrs ago.

Our Ds were living at home but D1 found a house where she can take her horses. Looked as if D1 and horses were going to leave this spring. I felt W was protecting D1 and her hobby but thought she was looking to leave the M after this took place. I pretty much begged her to see a MC and she agreed on Valentines day to do so and would call to set an appt. I waited until the end of March to ask where she was in setting an appt. Sh said she is too busy to set an appt. let it go until the end of April and got same answer. told her I can call to set an appt. All along we are getting closer to D1 moving her horses in July if all goes well. I set an appt for the middle of May, We went to the meeting and within 15 minutes she made it clear she wanted a D and has talked to a L. I was devastated although reality was pointing in that direction.

Left the MC and headed home later that eve. We had a chance to speak that night and I told her this was not what I was expecting at all. She said we haven't been married for 3 yrs. I pleaded my case on why we needed to work on the M and not throw it away, she seemed to have a change in action. Still nice and showing some attention to me. A month went by and she was warming up to me but still not interested in going back to MC. All this time she is GALing and losing weight. Looking really good but still no time for me. Then I made a big mistake. She found pictures on my phone. It was of her as I havent seen her naked for 3 yrs, I took pics unbeknownst to her and i invaded her privacy. She blew up and said thats it, Im out and want a D. This was the first of August.

I know I had done wrong. No excuses for my actions. Although it wasnt of another woman, or an affair or any other action which would have caused the same outcome, it was just as bad. I have asked for forgiveness and have on a couple occasions pleaded my case but at this time, I have stopped doing so, understanding that this action does no good. I am now at the mercy of what she wants as to moving forward.

D1 got engaged a few days prior to this happening and went away only to come back and ask to have her weddiing at the farm. Prior to her asking, we explain what happened, ( being transparent per W) and that we are going to D. THis went over horribly. Both Ds were present as well as fiance for this talk, Quite uncomfortable but i felt if W wanted me to tell them, then I would own up to my actions. Both Ds asked how we got to this part in the M and why we never seeked help. I told them I have asked and W wouldnt go. The Ds seemed to accept that the both of us had attributed to the demise and held no ill will towards me. In fact it has strengthened the relationship with D1 and opened up a better communication w D2 who is tough to deal with on a good day. I think W thought they would dis own me but that isn't the case up to now.

No paperwork has been filed by W yet. We had 3 conversations that should be noted. the first was 2 weeks ago, one last week. and another last night. Unfortunately, W is not much on conversations, in fact it becomes a monologue. She accuses me of verbal diarrhea and all I hear are crickets.

The first meaningful conversation started with if she would like to talk about anything in the past, present or future, she finally opened up a bit. the takeaway was" she didnt know where the D is"...no confirmation on if that meant paperwork or emotional status. " She doesn't feel love"....not sure if she meant from me or for me. "All i want her for is sex"....told her if that's all i am here for, I would have left a long time ago. "I have a wall around me that was starting to come down until the pic issue and now cant trust you ever again"....no answer to that one but heard it loud and clear. I did feel the conversation went better than expected as she did say some key points with no clarification. At least a starting point.

She was showing some softening through the week and when I asked her for a hug she said sure I can do that which felt good. Later that night she left for a few days away at the beach and gave me another hug. Seemed she may be thinking things over and there may be some hope (a dangerous feeling).

A conversation on the 3rd day away was a conversation I had when I called her to see how she was doing. My emotions were not in check and as she said, while she was sitting with her lady friends, I was Grilling her and Interrigating her on issues that were totally unacceptable. She eventually hung up on me after I told her she should just stay down there as long as she could. I would even bring her the laptop so she can work from there. This didnt need to be said but emotions got in the way and I was going to pay the price for my verbal diarrhea. I pretty much fell apart the rest of the evening and the next morning. I went to church and came back still in an emotional wreck...only to see her in the next 30 minutes in the driveway. I went up to her and hugged her and said " I am so glad to see you". This is 15 hrs after telling her to pretty much not come home. What a roller coaster.....for both. She kinda looked at me as if I was crazy, go figure, and then later said she can't live like this anymore.

We had another conversation last night which got interrupted by D2. Gist of it is she feels she cant ever get trust back enough to love me and cant see moving forward. She hasn't filled out paperwork due to me telling her I wasn't going to give the necessary docs to her. I dont recall ever telling her this. She said she had some of it filled out and when I asked for it, she said it was on her computer but didn't offer to get it for us to discuss. I was glad for that. After D2 left the room, we tried to pick up on the conversation again but was not going anywhere as she was too tired to talk. I have seen this all too often and knew it was heading to a "verbal diarrhea monologue" which I really wanted to avoid, My tone changes and volume elevates when trying to get a point across and knew it had started to head that way. We left it on a not so good note with no real time to pick it up again.

I am leaving for a couple of days which will be good for both of us especially by avoiding her having to do anything for my birthday. Soo..... there are other points I have left out which probably plays in on both sides but the most of my doings are out there. I still love her and want this to work for the future but I have found the lack of any affection, romance, and intimacy has been tough to go without. Why I still love her is beyond me but the fact is I do. One thing for sure is there will be a change, either with or without her is yet to be determined although she holds the cards and it doesnt look like the plans are not for me to be included in the future.

Suggestions are most welcome and my thanks for your time reading my sitch as well as your input.


Me 58 W 58
T 36 yrs. M 32 yrs
D 27 D 23
BD 8/3/19
Waiting for filing from W
Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2864185
09/05/19 03:45 PM
09/05/19 03:45 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,007
NY
Cadet Online

Member
Cadet  Online

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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,007
NY
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2864190
09/05/19 04:46 PM
09/05/19 04:46 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 6,476
Colorado
R
Ready2Change Offline
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Ready2Change  Offline
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R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 6,476
Colorado
Hi Zip,


Most guys here talk WAY TOO MUCH to their W. Lean to Listen to UNDERSTAND her FEELINGS and validate.

Most guys here want to push their POV. Do not do this. If asked, respond "I am not sure" or "I have not decided" or "I have not thought about that"...IE postpone your answer. Come here and get guidance.



Read this thread and all the threads linked in the first post:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846984


Hopefully we can guide you through this difficult sitch.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2864191
09/05/19 05:23 PM
09/05/19 05:23 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 654
C
CWarrior Offline
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CWarrior  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 654
Hi Zip,

I read your situation from beginning to end. Wow! Tensions between you have been building for so long. Like many of us, you tried pleading first, and can cross that off as ineffective.

Originally Posted by "Zip"
I went up to her and hugged her and said " I am so glad to see you". This is 15 hrs after telling her to pretty much not come home. What a roller coaster.....for both. She kinda looked at me as if I was crazy.

This is where Ready2Change's advice comes in to be slow to express what you want. Early in my sitch, I asked for a 2-weeks no-contact. When I changed my mind 2 days later, she'd already made alternative living plans.. for 3 months. You're not the first nor last to make this mistake and set your relationship back.

When relationships are at a tipping point, small mistakes can have big consequences. It's often better to do nothing for a day than to do something wrong when they're in such jeopardy.

Victor Frankl: "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/05/19 05:24 PM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2864209
09/05/19 07:56 PM
09/05/19 07:56 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,287
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AnotherStander Online
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AnotherStander  Online
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,287
Zip, welcome to the forums! You're applying way too much pressure to her. All the R talks have got to cease immediately. Quit trying to hug her and grill her and talk to her and snoop on her. Stop all of it! What should you do instead? NOTHING. Pull back. Leave her alone. Give her time and space. Find solitude and ask yourself what you want from a spouse, then look at what you've had for the last X years. No sex for 3 years? Brother if there's no medical reason for that I would have helped her pack and held the door open for her a LONG time ago. Why are you putting up with this misery? DON'T! Detach and leave her to her mess. You are worth more than this. If you effectively detach and find yourself then she may very well realize what she's losing and have a change of heart, but as long as you remain desperate and needy she is going to want nothing to do with you. Have you read DR yet? Read it, read Cadet's links, read other sitches here. Ask questions. But most of all leave your W alone for now.

Last edited by AnotherStander; 09/05/19 07:57 PM.

Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: The last straw [Re: AnotherStander] #2864450
09/06/19 08:30 PM
09/06/19 08:30 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 19
Z
Zip Offline OP
New Member
Zip  Offline OP
New Member
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Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 19
thanks for the input! I am going to try posting this short answer as I wrote out a response last night and it didn't show up


Me 58 W 58
T 36 yrs. M 32 yrs
D 27 D 23
BD 8/3/19
Waiting for filing from W
Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2864453
09/06/19 08:45 PM
09/06/19 08:45 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 19
Z
Zip Offline OP
New Member
Zip  Offline OP
New Member
Z
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 19
Going to try again as the message may be in the holding due to me being new.

Ready.... I agree about myself. When you dont get an answer but instead just a blank look back without any response, one seems to start rambling. I am very guilty of this which NEVER ended well. You would think after all these years, I would have gotten the message. Unfortunately, I came to the realization that what i was doing was insanity....with the same results. Trying real hard not to fall into this trap again. Especially after reading Another's post.

Cwarrior....Pleading got me nowhere....period. Actually, it did get her to a MC which in the first 15 min she said clearly...I want a D. Only took 3 yrs with a push from this past valentines day to see a MC on 5/20. I guess she finally felt it was time to pull the plug....but she says "there has never been a plan".....hmmmm

Another.... I have read your posts a lot and respect and value your input. Thanks for not sugar coating it. I am taking your advise strongly. It is my BDay today and got texts from W wishing me a great day,,,, finally responded with a thanks. She has called and sent her to VM ..... THIS DETACHING [censored]!!! I am working through the pain of loving her even for her faults....but..... I dont deserve this S@#T and there is a glimpse of anger starting to set in.

There are parts I probably didn't share just because of the length of the orig post. My D1 is now engaged just days before hell broke loose. She wants to get married at the farm which is putting a lot of pressure on all of us. I am hell bound to have this happen for her regardless of the W. THe issue is I can not see co habitating under the same roof for 10 mos with W in the house. She wants out..... then go..... I think she has said to me 3-4 times that she can not see her self being able to be the wife i want her to be. I guess the patience and detaching must be the only option.

Got one book and waiting for the other to show up. will start reading it asap as well as posting

THANKS ALL for your input. Sure wish I wasn't here but I am and appreciate your help.

Z


Me 58 W 58
T 36 yrs. M 32 yrs
D 27 D 23
BD 8/3/19
Waiting for filing from W
Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2864455
09/06/19 08:48 PM
09/06/19 08:48 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,007
NY
Cadet Online

Member
Cadet  Online

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,007
NY
Originally Posted by Zip
the message may be in the holding due to me being new.

There are none in holding and your post count is 3 and there are 3 showing so maybe you never pressed post - IDK.


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: The last straw [Re: Cadet] #2864457
09/06/19 08:59 PM
09/06/19 08:59 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 19
Z
Zip Offline OP
New Member
Zip  Offline OP
New Member
Z
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 19
Thanks Cadet....u know some of us are just technically challenged!


Me 58 W 58
T 36 yrs. M 32 yrs
D 27 D 23
BD 8/3/19
Waiting for filing from W
Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2864492
09/07/19 05:08 AM
09/07/19 05:08 AM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 19
Z
Zip Offline OP
New Member
Zip  Offline OP
New Member
Z
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 19
Was up early this morning outside of not sleeping well, I wanted to be gone before W and D2 got moving. Managed to get out of the house before seeing them. Interestingly enough, D1 and her fiancé texted me birthday wishes early in the am. Shortly after my phone was constantly going off. With nonstop texts....it waste W....sending a dozen b-day gifs to me. I thought if I got a "happy bday" woulda been more in line but it seemed she was over doing it considering the circumstances. I was quite surprised and a bit shocked. I answered back a simple thanks. She also wanted to know what time I was leaving town. Told her after work and left it at that. Last was a call from her in the afternoon which I texted an answer that I couldn't talk. No VM was left and I didn't call back. I am thinking this is detaching...if she needed me, she could have left a Vm for me. She didn't .

Will be back home tomorrow afternoon and will see how the reaction is from her. I have plenty to do to avoid any interaction and will follow Anther's advice. I heard your advice and agree that's what I need to do.

Sunday, I was inviter to watch the football game at a mutual friend's house. May be able to go and escape being at home but not sure if it would be right to do being it is an old classmate of the W. It could put them in the middle if I go and she finds out.....thoughts on going?

Another.....I never took into consideration my worth as she has diminished my internal value. I was a go getter and hustler. Worked hard to provide and now looking back, I see the fruits we have for that work. She will get half and I am not bitter over that, at least not yet. She does well and has had the opportunity to save a substantial amount of cash unbeknownst to me until very recent. She did tell me but is reluctant to disclose the actual amount. I find it hard to see this as a piece of a master plan that has been put in place. I do find it odd she told me about it. It would have been discovered and mane she felt she better disclose a little at a time while planning her exit. I got a little off track but wanted to say in writing a list of what I want in a W, she falls short in quite a few. It's all love driven. Would be interesting to see her list as well.

Enough for now....any input would be much appreciated.

Z


Me 58 W 58
T 36 yrs. M 32 yrs
D 27 D 23
BD 8/3/19
Waiting for filing from W
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