Guess I'm standing. Was "now what?"

[BarbH]

I don't think this is MLC, I think he's a WAS.

And then there's this

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

If that link doesn't paste it's in the "stickies" for the MLC forum. "All the links in one place" 4th post down-Zues talking about the WAS....and signs of reconciliation. Actually Job, it was your post.

This sounds like maybe what I'm dealing with.

[job]

Regardless as to whether he is in MLC or a Walkaway, you would still proceed as you have been, i.e., give him plenty of space and time.

I know it's difficult, but you've got to keep the focus on you. The more you think about what he may or may not be doing, will drive you crazy. He may be at his sister's home doing chores, watching TV or the computer/phone or just chilling...but whatever he's doing, he hasn't forgotten you are what has been said.

Hang in there and try to enjoy your day. He will contact you when he's ready.

[BarbH]

Thanks again Job. The hardest part is waiting....Knowing H as I do, I think he was holed up, turtling and thinking. he's a slow ponderer. I think we've now said everything that needs to be said, and it's up to him. I've returned to "business partner" level communication.....forwarded e-bills related to our house. I also hope his sister pushing him the way she did isn't felt like pressure from me.

This feels like just such a crucial time-that one way or the other, I'm waiting for the shoe to fall. 2 days ago, I would have said it was falling my way, now I just don't know. I think we still have a strong connection, but he's got a lot to think about and overcome-guilt around the affair/guilt as to what his affair guilt did to the marriage/guilt around his behaviour when my mother was dying/probably anger re our finances/guilt over not dealing with the finances. I think he's afraid of what my return conditions will be. He has also acknowledged (finally) that the reason I was working so much was to pay off bills. So he's no longer holding that against me.

I think he needs time to introspect. I have no say in this. Sitting tight. It's hard.

[BarbH]

And...I'm still sitting. Not a word.

[BarbH]

So he went up to see his family at the ranch-drove right past our house. No word in 4 days after our big discussion Thursday. I was hoping, but no. His sisters both say he doesn't say much, but that he is clearly struggling-sleeping a lot, not going out, not going to the gym and breaking down crying. He still says he will talk to me after Halifax, so I am still sitting tight. It is so hard, as I can see a way back, but he can't.

I did text him just said "thank you for your honesty telling me about the affair".

If after Halifax he doesn't want to try-I will have to sever all contact. The refinance will be done and he can afford to move out.

Was the text too much?

[job]

Your text was fine. Now, you need to give him the space and time he needs to figure things out. Go on your trip, try to enjoy yourself and allow things to unfold in their own way and time.

[BarbH]

Journaling (again)

Well, i texted him to tell him to call me as we needed to confirm an appointment and discuss the house refinance. He did, as usual was a little terse for the first 2 sentences. Then he said he drove by because he didn't see my car and thought I was working (it was behind the fifth wheel). I find he tries to extend the phone conversations-asking questions about what's happening up here, did I go to his sisters, what his plans are for his days off. (he's coming up here)

so, the more I think about this affair 15 years ago, the angrier I get about it's impact on our marriage. instead of him "manning up" 15 years ago so we could deal with it then, he chose to attempt to ignore it. He didn't do this by getting closer to me, no, he just kept plugging along in his usual manner. Even then, I knew something was wrong and suggested counselling more than once-which he refused. Now I know why-his secret would come out. So instead, he chose to let our marriage corrode to the point it is now. Now it's really time to face the results of his bad choices. I see my therapist on Friday.

Fortunately I have plans for the next few days-coffee with an old friend this afternoon (by old I mean 83! she's like a second mother to both of us), Thursday-I need to get things done around the house, whether he is here or not. Friday-Dogsitting in the morning, then town in afternoon. Sat-small road trip, meeting sister.

If he starts an R conversation, so be it. If not, so be it as well.

[BarbH]

Hi guys: I'm just getting angrier and angrier about our last 15 years of marriage! To recap: DB #2 June 14/19 "need to get my head together etc. ILYBINILWY" blah blah. 3 months of angst. I sense he's trying to figure out how to reconcile. Finally, 5 days ago he confesses he had a 6 month long PA 15 years ago. Kept it secret. Did not become a more loving, supportive husband, did not tell me about it. When I've suggested counselling in the past 15 years, knowing we were getting rocky, he refused (probably out of fear of revealing the PA. Jan-June (at least) this year attempts a flirtation, is infatuated with work friend. This has ended. Big conversation, confesses to PA 5 days ago. Has been sitting at home alone ever since. Wants to talk when I come back from Halifax vacation mid Sept.

I've been trying to db, doing my own IC, trying to figure out what is going on. I now feeling like saying this.



"Dear H:

I admit your confession of a PA 15 years ago was a bombshell, and as I have said I am able to forgive it, and I am glad you were finally honest about it as it has help me achieve some clarity. What I am having serious difficulty with is the subsequent ongoing 15 years of essentially lying. Had you confessed to the PA at the time, we would have dealt with it and moved on. Over the next 15 years, had you agreed to counselling the times I suggested it, we again could have dealt with our issues and hopefully be in a much stronger place now. Or, in lieu of that, had you attempted to become a more loving and supportive husband, we may also be in a much stronger place. However, we are now where we are-separated.

You have told me you have been attempting to "find a path back home" . I don't know if you still are, or not. I sense perhaps you are. I'm going to be bluntly honest here-the path back home is getting harder all the time. Here's three paths for you to ponder:

1. I can file immediately for divorce based on your admitted adultery of 15 years ago.

2. We remain separated for 1 year, as we are, and file a non contested divorce.

3. During that year should you decide you want to move forward with our relationship, which is hanging by a thread, you go to individual counselling to sort out your guilty emotions, why you cheated and why you were considering cheating again, and your difficulty expressing deep emotion and your feelings around death and dying. I need to see you owning your part in this. It will require a sincere apology and acknowledgement on your part, and ongoing marriage counselling for both of us. I am continuing with my individual counselling.

Amazingly, I am still willing to put in the work necessary to move forward in our relationship."



I haven't sent this. Don't know if I will. Or if I will wait until our next conversation and see what he has to say. It has helped to at least write this down. I am seeing my therapist on Friday-and will discuss this with her.

any feedback/advice?

[CanBird]

My advice: Hang in there & do not send this letter. Breathe. Think about your trip. My mom was born in Peggy's Cove. I bet it'll be beautiful this time of year. Focus on your trip. What needs to get done before you leave? What will you do there? Focus more on you. He's dealing or not, with things in his own way. Don't push ideas on him. Let him stew & figure himself out. Oh course we wonder & we care, but care from a distance.

When I think about my H MLC, I view it as him having a mental illness. It makes it easier for me to process this challenge.

[BarbH]

Thanks Canbird! I actually no longer think this is MLC-I think it's 15 yrs of guilt related to his first affair. The only thing that keeps me slightly sane right now is knowing he voluntarily broke off his "current" EA before it progressed to a PA, and that he still says things like "I like spending time with you" and obliquely talks about the future. It's helped to just write out what I would say. It's clarified goals in my mind.

What I need to figure out now is whether or not I really want him back. It depends on what I see coming from him. So far (over the past years) I've done the heavy lifting as far as emotional work-it's his turn. I don't know if he's man enough to do it.