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Ginger1 #2863777 09/02/19 12:17 PM
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Went out and did this karaoke thing with my friends last night. I was the only mom couple but they never make me feel that way. I had a freakin blast. It’s your groups private karaoke room, we got the party package with delicious food and brought our own drinks . There was so much singing and laughing. There was a moment where I just wanted to text M that I missed him. It was fleeting. There are things I do miss. But in that room with all of us singing laughing and being loud, I tried to picture him fitting in. I didn’t see it. He was just not the one for me.

I was the only non-filipino there. I think I need a filipino boyfriend. I love the culture. I’ve been a part of it with my friends for so long. The guys are so funny and treat their ladies so well. Filipinos LOVE food, as do I, it’s such a huge part of their culture. Family is extremely important. Long ago, I did hook up with my filipino coworker twice. He was on and off with his girlfriend at the time so nothing came of it. Luckily it never got weird working together. He went on to marry a girl with a little boy and he took on that kid as his own and then they had a daughter together.

Anyways. I’m still dealing with a lot over here. Money is a bigger problem than I thought. I’m stressing out horribly. I applied for a hospice triage job that is from 5pm until 8:30 am per diem. Triaging calls, and sending nurses out if I can’t help over the phone. I am extremely qualified for this job. I don’t sleep very well anyways, might as well work. I figure a year of working an extra job and I’ll be caught up. I’m financially worried. I put a lot in my retirement per paycheck, I’m going to have to reduce that for a while, and I found a few bills I can cut down on. I have been cooking more meals. I rarely ever buy lunch, I usually bring leftovers. I’m cutting back. D’s birthday is next week and I want to be able to get the gifts she wants, which aren’t crazy, luckily.

I’m home alone today with no where to go and it’s kind of nice. It’s a gloomy day. Going to work around the house, prep some meals for the week. Maybe even nap.

That’s all folks

Ginger1 #2863786 09/02/19 02:15 PM
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Sounds like a fantastic night Ginger! Your financial catch up plan sounds like a solid one. A year goes fast and the psychological relief will be worth it.

You sound like you are continuing to reflect on your R with M and discovering new things about yourself. It is nice to read about you considering what it is YOU want. Keep it up. I fully believe the universe will respond.

(((HUGS)))

Ginger1 #2863805 09/02/19 05:37 PM
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Thanks deja. I guess I didn’t even realize I am considering what I want in my reflections. But yeah, I guess I am. One of my abilities is to fit into any group and have no matter what I do and where I go as long as I’m in good company. I’d like someone the same. And the more I keep thinking about it......he was not a committed loving boyfriend. Only when it fit into his life and purpose. Mine didn’t matter to much to him. I didn’t really matter to him. It kid of stings, but it’s the truth.
I really hope the universe responds. I’m getting tired. Separated with a 6 month old baby at 27 and still single at 39. Watching my ex who commutes adultery have a lasting marriage with his affair partner. I always feel like I am continually paying for something.

Today is a rainy Labor Day. I have guiltily enough done nothing today but watch TV on the couch with my dog. I’m still in my PJ’s. It’s exactly what I needed today. Back to the grind tomorrow

Ginger1 #2863809 09/02/19 06:20 PM
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Hey - being in a relationship with someone isn’t a sign of success. I wouldn’t want any of my old relationships back. Being single is so much better then being with them. And I suspect that’s the same for your ex and the mistress. I’m not surprised she’s a lawyer. I know many lawyers I have had to deal with are educated but either lazy or not very bright. They bill hundreds of dollars for reviewing emails but I never witnessed great critical thinking in any of them - certainly nothing that was worth their fees. Can you imagine billing like that in healthcare. For reviewing a chart???? Point being she’s an idiot for being with your ex and thank god she took that life from you. There’s so much in your writings that shows the ex and his wife are miserable.

Sounds like you had a great time with your friends. You don’t need a relationship to be happy or have fun. Instead your relationship should just be a supplement or compliment to your great life.

I think failed relationship are necessary because we learn more about ourselves and our needs through those experiences. You learned from M. That you need a guy willing to give you time and settling or compromising won’t work. That’s big and will help you next time around


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Ginger1 #2863812 09/02/19 06:35 PM
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I did sound pathetic and like a defeatist. I do realize I wasn’t happy in my R, but I was happy outside of it. I realized there is such a thing as being happy outside, but being unhappy inside an R. No one has responsibility to make me happy. I do that myself. But I think someone inside an R has a responsibility to make that R a good one and not make the other person feel lonely and miserable.

I think my ex and his wife are happy in their dysfunctional relationship. But it’s not an R I want. It was an R I was dying inside in. It may work for them, but it didn’t work for me.

My ex decided to leave his W In the car yesterday when picking up D. D just usually goes out. No idea why he came in. He spent like a good 5 minutes playing with my dog. I was like “ok, go now”.

I hope to find that guy one day who adds to my life. For the first few months I though M wasnt it. We did have some great times. But in the end, it was the deep stuff he couldn’t handle. I do know he had said to me a few times he had a hard time separating dealing with a crazy ex and someone who he loves like he does and isn't out to get him. Some people only know how to handle those high drama sitches. That wasn’t me. I wanted a simple reciprocal love he couldn’t give. Sad for him. But I am capable. And I will one day maybe find someone the same.

Relationships don’t mean success. You are right. I’ve achieved most of my success outside of a relationship. I’m proud of that. I think it’s too much for some .

Ginger1 #2863830 09/03/19 04:44 AM
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Ginger, I'm so glad that you decided not to pursue dating or anything else with that guy - perhaps with a little bit of luck that you didn't find him attractive. You sound back to where you were again prior to that 48 hours of minor crazy. smile It's not at all that you necessarily need to grieve M. That's not what waiting is about - it's about being centered and grounded and ready rather than bouncing from one thing to another. They are called rebound relationships for a reason - you are bouncing all over the place and rebounding. Once the bouncing stops, the rebounding does too - and it will, given a bit of time.

I think maybe what you need to try to figure out, in order to avoid it in the future, is why you didn't see, or didn't want to see, or didn't act when you did see the things in M that you are seeing more clearly now. Did that make sense? A month or six weeks ago you were saying how great everything was and how well the two of your families fit, etc. Then rather quickly, they didn't and now you wonder how things went as long as they did. I think that's your challenge in all of this - to figure out why you kept trying or denying or whatever with M.

Of course, and this may be the saddest part of all since we can't do anything about it... what M did, is just what so many people do. I think I've ran into more craziness than saneness when it comes to Rs. There are a few people that were very adult, very appropriate, said what should be said and we parted ways very, very functionally. But so many more are like what happened with you. They say one thing but do another, lie or at least shade the truth, bounce from one end to another. That's the really crappy and scary part of all of this - that there are so many people like M and the others out there - many more of them than there are not. I still maintain it's part and parcel of divorce as the one that don't do this are still married.

I think the best thing you can possible do is what you are I think now trying to do. Just live your life, require more of the guys, don't give away more than you should until they prove themselves and as soon as they stop proving themselves, pay attention and believe them. I don't at all think it's going to take until G is in college. I'm still not at all convinced that OLD is the answer nor can I agree that there are "many" people who have had success that way - not long term success anyhow. And the stats just don't bear it out. As I think KML has said, at best it's a tool to introduce you to more single people than real life may. Beyond that I think you just need to be the best Ginger you can be and some really great guy is going to want to be a part of that - and will chase you to make it happen.

One thing I'm positive of, by the end of this year at the very, very latest, you will not think of M at all other than perhaps to think, "What in the heck was I thinking?" Glad I can put my 2X4s away too!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Ginger1 #2863971 09/03/19 11:21 PM
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Yup, don, I’m just trying to live my life now. I have some pretty serious financial stuff to get together and that takes a second job which will take the reasoning time and energy I have.

What M did is finally hitting me kind of hard. I am so darn angry at him. Like really PO’d. He took a lot away from me with his sudden blindsiding. I’m really angry that he didn’t consider what this would do for my daughter, me and his son. How much was actually taken away but just coming out of the blue and ending everything without working on anything, which is what he always talked about. Working things out, compromise, etc. a year in and a lot invested is a long time to come out of the blue and say “ you're Awesome but something is missing for me” you decide something is missing early on. Not at the point we were at. I still think it’s a bunch of BS and something bigger. And I have to just go in and live with this sorry @sss breakup . I’m still in the “ WTF?” Mode. People keep asking me if he has reached out. They thought he might. But I haven’t heard boo. I can’t help but think about his son and his mom who I grew close to. It’s not fair to rip all of that away with the BS reason he gave me.

But I have no choice. Today was a tolerable day at work and I got some things in order and made some phone calls that went on the back burner because of lack of time and energy . I still have to make D11 her doctors appt, dentist appts, etc. I’m just busy and handling it all on my own. It’s friggin hard. You think I would get used to it after 12 years, but it remains pretty difficult. You get used to it, but it doesn’t get easier. needless to say, I’m feeling pretty down. Tough time of the year notoriously to enter into alone. I had pretty high hopes it would be different.

Will I meet someone ? Who knows. Am I looking? No. I just can’t right now. Life has to get straightened out first


Last edited by job; 09/04/19 01:01 AM. Reason: edited a word
Ginger1 #2863999 09/04/19 03:22 AM
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You don't always expierence all 5 of them, they don't always hit in the same order (other than perhaps number five), they don't apply to all situations, but clearly the five stages of grief are pretty accurate.1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. I think you did a bit of #1 but not all. Sounds like you're at #2 now. You may skip #3, we'll see. I pray #4 I'd brief and not too deep and that #5 arrives soon - I think you've already accepted that it is - just not how it happened. Again, this ^^^^^^^^^^^ Is why dating right now is not a good idea, but it will be by about the end of the year, maybe a little bit sooner.

I'll say it again, you both amaze and impress me at how well you bounce back and try again. There's really no rush. Even if you don't meet Mr. right for another five years, you could still be together for another 30 or 40!!! That's a fricken long time!!!!!!!!!!!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Ginger1 #2864021 09/04/19 01:22 PM
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Ginger - there's time. quite a bit of it as Don pointed out. I am in the same position as you in that I need to get life straightened out with finances, work, and just getting some of my personal $hit together. I am also in no rush to get into a R or date around. Frankly right now I don't have the time and with so many things that need to get figured out first, adding dating as another variable into the mix is just going add more drama to my life than I need right now.

I think you have the right mindset about it and give yourself a break from all of it for a while so you can focus on getting other things correct.


No one is coming to save you!

Ginger1 #2864118 09/04/19 11:58 PM
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I can’t quite figure out if I’m brave or just really stupid and a glutton for punishment to consider dating again. Truth be told, M kind of killed my trust. I was saying “wow, he actually chose me” and he dumped me a few days later. So, I think I am more a glutton of punishment.

I think I went through the 5 stages in different order except for denial, which I won’t go through, and bargaining. I am just sad and angry and I can’t do a darn thing about it.

Hi maika! I’m on 11.5 years separated / divorced with this being my most serious R yet. I was 27 when my ex left me with a baby. And I was told “don’t worry, you’ll find someone to marry and have more kids with” and I never did. I dealt with mourning another child I will never have. My time is up for that. I’ve had the privilage of loving the children of 2 guys I’ve dated and I really mourn the loss of that. And I actively knew one of the children mourned the loss of me. I also have no baby daddy drama, I get along with them all, and I worked hard for that.

I have been ready for quite some time to build a life with a partner . But yes, I am much better off dealing with the issues at hand and living my life for me and get things straightened out for before putting energy into actively dating. I do need a break from dating. I think this breakup totally kicked my butt but I am just ha doing it much better than the others. I guess I am getting good at it.

My pain is a real thing and kicking in. Our 1 year anniversary would have been this Sunday. I was awake at 5:30 in the morning and thinking about all the things his son came home to find gone and I thought about getting him a target gift card anonymously. My heart hurts for him incredibly and I miss him incredibly.

And I remember not long before M left me, M told me him, himself loved me incredibly. Ha!!! But I like to believe he did and couldn’t handle it.

Anyways, my dad came today and we went shopping for a new bedroom set and mattress. It’s beautiful. And the mattress is super comfy. I feel grateful he got that for me. I have been wanting to make my bedroom a happy restful place and I think this will help. It’ll erase M too. Everything will be fresh.

D11 starts school tomorrow. 7th grade! When did this happen? She’s excited. I had to stop by the school today and drop off change of address paperwork. The secretary said “I can’t wait to see her cute cherub Emily face!” She’s pretty well know there, lol. She actually attends the same schools my ex and I did. Two of the teachers we had are still there We have a busy next few days. Busy is good for me. Even if I’m super tired .

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