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#2863804 09/02/19 05:25 PM
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I decided to move over here from the MLC section as I haven't been trying to save my marriage for a long time now. I knew it at OM2 (the guy that gets Vegas prostitutes) but I needed more time. It felt really good to lean into the hopelessness and not think of it as bad. I had it backwards beating myself up with hope, I hope she wakes up, stops cheating, whatever else. She's not going to. I do wish her well but it's different.

I took a long break from here and have been trying to focus on myself and kids. I stumbled across CEN and it fits me well. I felt really exposed for awhile and I've been trying to work on things myself but I think I may try to go back to a therapist at some point. I didn't care for the last one I tried after my therapist moved and the cost adds up quick.

I really wonder if xw is a narcissist, if she always has been or if it is just now, but narcissist discard fits well too. Some of the things she said at that time, she may have been being an honest narcissist. Ending everything instantly with no working on anything, devaluing everything about me, telling me I was a project, telling me I had too much respect for women and she just wants to get f***'d (this one haunts me), affairs, spending, how I wasn't good enough, surprise mediation 2 days before Christmas, telling me she was going to get my kids taken away from me, on and on. And the fact that I didn't or won't get any closure, no apology (IDT she is sorry), nothing, points me towards thinking that. She also has some sort of knack or connection for knowing if I'm having a good time, when I was talking to the lady I liked, etc. and will text, often seemingly to try to get a reaction. Her and her bf take bimonthly vacations and IDK if it's me being too sensitive but she will send the kids over with something on from where she went and things like that. Last week she was talking to one of her cheerleaders about her bday vacation this weekend right near me where I could hear and I think she is expecting to get engaged soon. I don't understand why she would do that. I'm over her and don't care but I do worry that if she decides to monster again that she will have money but I try not to worry about that and get along the best I can. Since they seem to follow a theme here should I expect her to get nasty again if she does remarry? I'm thinking full time mom would hamper her lifestyle so I'm not worrying now but it is in the back of my mind.

Trying not to talk about ex but I'm going to get this out too even though it was awhile ago. She started giving S gluten and they were hiding it from me. After how far he came with his ASD I couldn't believe it. She lied and tried to say she just started when I found out but so much clicked and I know it had been about a year. So she was teaching them to hide things from me like I'm crazy, and then if I do rightfully get upset it will get turned on me. We reintroduced dairy and he was okay but since she just did it herself I didn't have a chance to journal/have a baseline for his behavior so IDK if some of the problems during that time were related or not. Thankfully he seems to be doing okay with it.

I still haven't had any relationships. It's kind of strange, it's not that I don't want one but I'm feeling lost and don't even know where to begin. I would love for my kids to have an example of a healthy relationship but I think I need to do more self work but when I am I good enough? I just don't feel like I have a lot to offer someone. Some days I know that isn't true and others I really seem to feel that way.

Kyh #2863813 09/02/19 07:23 PM
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Kyh,

Welcome. It sounds like your ex-wife is putting you through the wringer. I think it's fairly typical of the ex-spouse to vilify the LBS. I'm sorry you're going through that stuff right now, but it'll eventually get better.

Regarding dating, after my divorce I was gung-ho to get out and date. I quickly found out that dating wasn't all that I'd hoped it would be. After that initial period of dating, I started focusing my sons and doing things that I like to do, and I have to say, I've been happier taking that approach.

Kyh #2863833 09/03/19 05:25 AM
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Thanks doodler. From what I wrote it sounds like a lot but I’m doing well and all of what I wrote about except the recent trip is in the stb far past. We’re getting along well for the most part, even joking with each other again. I see her every day of every other week at a minimum and we usually speak for a few minutes. It is odd she will still tell me family issues, ask car advice, and personal things. Last week she told me a story from her childhood. I do feel really bad for her and hope she can help herself.

I’m not in a hurry to date again but it has been 4 years since things went sour. I do need to focus more on what I like to do. I do too much people pleasing, even w/my kids.

Kyh #2864117 09/04/19 11:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Kyh
I decided to move over here from the MLC section as I haven't been trying to save my marriage for a long time now. I knew it at OM2 (the guy that gets Vegas prostitutes) but I needed more time. It felt really good to lean into the hopelessness and not think of it as bad. I had it backwards beating myself up with hope, I hope she wakes up, stops cheating, whatever else. She's not going to. I do wish her well but it's different.


Welcome to the dark side, lol. j/k.
All that you said about your ex ... I remember you going through it. I remember my exh doing his version of the same. I swear these people have a secret club and once they learn the super secret squirrel password and get the decoder ring, they also get a script because they ALL use the same tired, worn out, BS lines.

Originally Posted by Kyh

Trying not to talk about ex but I'm going to get this out too even though it was awhile ago. She started giving S gluten and they were hiding it from me. After how far he came with his ASD I couldn't believe it. She lied and tried to say she just started when I found out but so much clicked and I know it had been about a year. So she was teaching them to hide things from me like I'm crazy, and then if I do rightfully get upset it will get turned on me. We reintroduced dairy and he was okay but since she just did it herself I didn't have a chance to journal/have a baseline for his behavior so IDK if some of the problems during that time were related or not. Thankfully he seems to be doing okay with it.
Do you still have the guardian ad litem in place? This is NOT ok.

Originally Posted by Kyh

I still haven't had any relationships. It's kind of strange, it's not that I don't want one but I'm feeling lost and don't even know where to begin. I would love for my kids to have an example of a healthy relationship but I think I need to do more self work but when I am I good enough? I just don't feel like I have a lot to offer someone. Some days I know that isn't true and others I really seem to feel that way.

From what I can tell this part takes a while, and is different for everybody.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Kyh #2864266 09/06/19 04:42 AM
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Hi Bttrfly,

We don’t have the guardian ad litem on retainer anymore and didn’t put anything in the decree. I wrote it all down in the same journal I kept throughout the good old days just in case but it was over before I knew about it. I learned a lesson and thankfully s seems to be doing alright with it now because it would be terrible going back now.

Kyh #2864289 09/06/19 11:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Kyh
Hi Bttrfly,

because it would be terrible going back now.



It would be worse not going back if he needed your help. She's unfit. Be watchful. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Kyh #2864527 09/07/19 04:37 PM
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Kyh - it’s nice to hear an update from you.

Regarding relationships and you wondering when you are “good enough,” that comment your wife made that you have too much respect for women, made me want to reach out and say you are always good enough! I would kill for a guy who had too much respect for women!!! And there are lots of with-it, attractive women who are looking for guys with that quality.

There was a point where I separated myself from it all too. It all went way too left field for me. Suddenly my ex’s type was bimbo. And he went so far as to tell me I needed to be less intelligent to save the marriage! I was always highly educated and he knew that when he chose to marry me and stay with me for 18 years. He changed.

These are her issues, not yours.

From what I recall, you had a lot of hobbies at home. Maybe you should consider taking on something outside of home? A sports team? It might be good for you in various ways. It helped me heal. After years of being told everything I was not/being projected onto, people were always telling me positive things about myself.

Stay positive! You are the prize.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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[/quote] Be watchful[/quote]

Thanks, it's strange with all that has happened but I still sometimes have to remind myself she isn't the person I knew.


Originally Posted by HaWho
Kyh - it’s nice to hear an update from you.

Regarding relationships and you wondering when you are “good enough,” that comment your wife made that you have too much respect for women, made me want to reach out and say you are always good enough! I would kill for a guy who had too much respect for women!!! And there are lots of with-it, attractive women who are looking for guys with that quality.

There was a point where I separated myself from it all too. It all went way too left field for me. Suddenly my ex’s type was bimbo. And he went so far as to tell me I needed to be less intelligent to save the marriage! I was always highly educated and he knew that when he chose to marry me and stay with me for 18 years. He changed.

These are her issues, not yours.

From what I recall, you had a lot of hobbies at home. Maybe you should consider taking on something outside of home? A sports team? It might be good for you in various ways. It helped me heal. After years of being told everything I was not/being projected onto, people were always telling me positive things about myself.

Stay positive! You are the prize.


Hi HaWho, it's good to hear from you. I hope you and your boys are doing well.

Thank you for your reply. IDT I ever posted that before, but that is one of the few things that really got my self confidence that I haven't shook yet. I can laugh at a lot of what she said or did now but there are still those few things that really hurt. When I read "these are her issues" in your post, relating it to the last book I read, it occurred to me that maybe xw doesn't/didn't think she deserved respect. I do feel bad for her.

There's not much less attractive than a bimbo, especially as the mother of your children. They really do go off the deep end.

I've been having neck trouble which has really slowed me down. My doctor told me not to run anymore so it limits my physical activity quite a bit. I've thought about doing yoga somewhere (like getting in shape to start going to the gym, I've stuck with it almost daily for over a year so I think I could now lol) but I need my work to slow down. I've been out of town every other week when I don't have my kids all summer so I don't see a point in it right now. I do need to figure out more socially, I was trying to be active in the single parents group, hopefully it will pick back up. I've always struggled with this but moving right before the BD has made it even harder.

Kyh #2878384 01/01/20 05:55 PM
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Happy New Year everyone! Im not big on resolutions but I made a few this year. Drink more water, call my grandparents more often, and get outdoors more.

I’m catching up on some needed rest after a stressful holiday season but I’m doing good. I still have those days but not too often and they’re short lived. I didn’t realize how long it had been since I posted but not much going on with me. Dealing w/ex on the regular can be stressful at times but things are usually okay. I’ve seen some craaazy from time to time and I’m so glad to be detached and away from it.

S is having a hard time w/school this year but D is doing good. Thankfully S has a great teacher who works with us and keeps on top of things. Ex has been pretty good coparenting but I see her project her childhood onto them quite a bit, good and bad. Ive had to tell her she doesn’t know how the kids feel repeatedly and also that her childhood was no baseline for a parenting example.

That’s about all I have for an update. I think about many of you often and hope everyone is doing good and has a great 2020!

Kyh #2878386 01/01/20 06:06 PM
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Happy New Year!

I am so glad you came by and posted an update. Your resolutions sound like some easy ones and they are all about you and things you can control.

Sounds like things are still going okay. I'm sorry our S is having a hard time w/school. If he likes his teacher, that is a plus and she's willing to help him. Glad to hear that D is doing well.

You are trying to rationalize w/someone who can't or won't hear what you are saying about her childhood and projecting it on to her own children. Kyh, you are great father and you are doing all that you can for your children. They know you are there for them.

Hang in there! Please take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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