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A Message from Michele
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Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2865340
09/14/19 11:15 PM
09/14/19 11:15 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,226
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rd500 Offline
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rd500  Offline
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You seen to be doing everything right and thats great especially as you are going through your own incredible trauma. I hope the counsellor can focus on what your D needs and not so.much the realtionship between exw and D right now. Ds feelings are hers , no one else can second guess them and a good councillor will be a god send a help guide D through this very tough time.

In my case i always tried to let the kids express their feelings but i would never join in with negativity towards Exw as i felt that was not healthy and i would always encourage reconnection once i felt Exw was in a healthier place mentally. I do feel for the WAS because i don't think they really understand how their actions effect those around them , especially the ones they love. .My own Exw has emailed me with talk of how she feels she is emerging from a fog and can't believe/ understand how she ended up in the situation she is in.

As tough as it is for the LBS , our children are still in their formative years and this is way harder on them than it will ever be for us. Im not taking away from the heartbreak and devastation that we feel at the time but for a child it is almost unimaginable.

You are doing a fantastic job in incredibly hard circumstances.

Stay strong. Rd

Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2865356
09/15/19 07:39 AM
09/15/19 07:39 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 75
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rooskers Offline OP
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rooskers  Offline OP
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Posts: 75
Found out from a friend some of the reasons she said she left me. Apparently I was a huge loser who never worked. It didn't matter I put her through college and was the primary bread winner for the first 5 years of our marriage. When she graduated and became a nurse I became the stay at home dad for the first 6 years of D life and it was the hardest thing I ever did. We both discussed it before I stayed home with D and it was a mutual decision because neither of us wanted to have her raised by strangers in a daycare. For the past 3 years I have worked full time but I didn't make nearly as much as XW because she had already been in her career for 17 years. Now she is telling all her new friends what a loser I was and that I should have been a provider and protector of the family. She lets f-bombs fly about me and apparently I have been manipulating D into hating her. I wish I never had to see or deal with her ever again.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2865398
09/15/19 11:15 PM
09/15/19 11:15 PM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 703
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Irish M Offline
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Irish M  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 703
HI Rooskers

crazy how your situation is like mine. I see only that your XW is trying to see your D. That is good, kids need both parents during a seperation. Now I say that only if it's a healthy relationship. So far it doesn't sound healthy.

You seem like a solid guy. Looking out for your D. Keeping it real and no lies. Your D is 13, she is well aware of what is a lie and what is the truth. You are her rock. Keep it like that. She will know who she can trust.

Your D13 will come to her own conclusions about her mom. Sad but the way your XW is handling things she will lose her D.

As for your XW. Her telling her friends the reason for leaving you is only to justify her actions. She will feel better is you are the bad guy. Anyone that has witnessed your XW current behaviour, 3 months missing in action , left her D, with a new guy so fast and her personal happiness a priority. They too will see that something is wrong with your XW. Mothers don't put a man or a hobby before their kids. Especially during a hard time such as divorce. This is where she needs to show love, compassion and tell D that she is still loved and it's not her fault. Your XW is in a dark place. She might look happy and confident. That is only a mask to hide her pain from the world.

Don't let the rewriting of history get to you. Keep notes on everthing XW does. Protect your D and yourself. Avoid your XW rollercoaster of being nice one day to attacking the next. I think there are a few spew jackets available from past LBS's , maybe someone can send you one.

Sorry again that you are here Rooskers. But at the same time, I'm happy you are , there is a lot of wisdom here. Read , read , read, don't respond to XW with emotion. Don't try to test her, question her or provoke her. Stay neutral but stay firm. I am sure you got this.

Irish


M50
XW42 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 via text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters with me
D15 and D18
Her divorce was Final July 26 2016
She hasn't seen her kids since Aug 2 2015
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2865403
09/16/19 12:03 AM
09/16/19 12:03 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 179
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DS9 Offline
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Posts: 179
Keep up the good work Roo - you're a fantastic dad and your D is lucky to have you mate! Cheers D


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2865507
09/16/19 07:40 PM
09/16/19 07:40 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 75
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rooskers Offline OP
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rooskers  Offline OP
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I now know why she said I didn't have an affair and I am not seeing that guy anymore. She did have an EA with him maybe PA I have no idea but it ended pretty much after D13 and I outed her in June. My belief is she had three affairs going on at the same time, the first was developing a family relationship with her new group of friends at the gym (she worked out 6 days a week with them the past year) so she had people to help her through leaving me, the second was with my D13's best friend dad which I think was a cover for the real affair, the third was with this guy she met online. I think they were completely separate in the sense that she replaced our family with these friends and OM's with me but they didn't know about each other.

When D13 and I outed her about the relationship with D13 best friends dad she at first told daughter she did take walks with him holding hands and did talk about her marital problems with him. Word got around and all of a sudden he disappeared from her life and she told everyone I was just making stuff up to turn D13 against her (D13 was the one who witnessed it). She even told D13 that it must have been some other girl she saw with him. This enabled her to show to her new exercise family how awful and controlling I was and that she couldn't go anywhere or I would yell accusations at her. I never even accused her of anything only told her D13 did not feel comfortable around him or her exercise friends which D13 asked me to tell her. Regardless he was quickly out of the picture.

The real affair was with some guy from another state. I have no clue how long they have been in communication but I know it was before the divorce was final and he wanted to meet her badly in real life. They finally met in real life last week to do some big obstacle race in a state up north and he even offered to buy her a plane ticket for the event. He is very big into these races and goes all over the country to do them. I also know they have even talked about one of them moving so they can live together but XW at this time won't because of D13 and he validates that by telling her he understood that from the beginning but then goes on about how great his home is. He actually validates every accusation and hateful thing she says about me. The creepiest thing is he looks about 15 years or more older than her and looks exactly like her stepdad and same age as her stepdad when he died of cancer about 12 years ago.

Her stepdad was a super control freak and verbally abusive to her. Now she is idolizing her stepdad to her new friends and this guy. History has been rewritten so that I was the one who was super controlling. It appears that all the harm her stepdad and mom caused her is being blamed on me and she has now found a guy who is in the same profession as her stepdad was, looks like him, and is about the same age as he was when he passed away to replace me. I was replaced by her abusive dad. I have no idea if this guy is abusive emotionally or physically but in every other way he is the same. Even though we are divorced I still worry for XW but I know that there is nothing I can do

Now I know we are divorced and why the heck should I care or even let other people tell me about this stuff. I should tell them I don't care and move on with my life. XW has no idea I know any of this and almost nobody knows I know. It is just hard because I helped her through some extremely tough times with her parents and was always her rock. All those things they did to her is now being piled on me. XW is treating D13 exactly how her mom treated her. I worry so much that the trauma D13 is going through is going to result in this painful cycle never stopping.

I tried to fix a severely traumatized young women 22 years ago and am just now realizing it wasn't possible or even my job to fix the damage in her. I believed if I loved her enough and surrounded her with my family and friends that everything would be all right. The end result was pain, horrible endless pain.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2865599
09/17/19 05:05 PM
09/17/19 05:05 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 75
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rooskers Offline OP
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Why the heck is the pain so overwhelming today. I feel so much anger which I haven't felt for in two months. D-Day was May 23 and divorce was final in July. When does the anger go away? It seems funny to me that I was never really angry at her during our marriage or even the last time she had an affair. This time I go for a week doing great then raging hot pain and anger come out of no where. Rotating from pain to anger then complete mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual exhaustion.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2865609
09/17/19 05:59 PM
09/17/19 05:59 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,288
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AnotherStander Offline
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Very sorry. It happens. There's no explanation. Over time the good days become more frequent and the bad days less. Eventually the negative feelings will be replaced with more of a melancholy.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2865612
09/17/19 06:23 PM
09/17/19 06:23 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,429
Colorado
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Thornton Offline
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Posts: 2,429
Colorado
Its tough, Rooskers. Anger is just one of the normal processes you will go through.


Me 43
He 43
D: 18
D: 12
T: 8 years

Bomb 5/10/2014
Back 7/7/2014

Bomb 2 1/28/2016
Back: 5/2016

Bomb 3 4/3/2017
She moved away with SD: 5/27/2017
Back: 8/1/2018

Bomb 4 9/11/2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2865766
09/19/19 05:31 AM
09/19/19 05:31 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 75
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rooskers Offline OP
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rooskers  Offline OP
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Posts: 75
Finally found a therapist for D13 that she seems to like. It feels like a huge weight off my shoulders.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2865868
09/20/19 01:43 AM
09/20/19 01:43 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 75
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rooskers Offline OP
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Posts: 75
So happy for today. D13 and I had are first evening together filled with laughter.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
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