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A Message from Michele
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Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2864877
09/10/19 05:44 PM
09/10/19 05:44 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 75
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rooskers Offline OP
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rooskers  Offline OP
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I didn't respond to the email at all. I am still trying to figure out why she would even temp check when it is over. We are divorced. All is well though she is back to her usual emails that or filled with lies. I never respond to any of them unless they are absolutely needed for D13. I only responded to this one and put the I care because usually if I said I would pick up and drop off D13 she would get angry at me. I just didn't want strangers to transport D13. It worked smile


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2864885
09/10/19 06:50 PM
09/10/19 06:50 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 545
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kas99 Offline
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kas99  Offline
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K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 545
That email was strange. I was thinking court but even that makes no sense.

Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2864890
09/10/19 08:12 PM
09/10/19 08:12 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 75
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rooskers Offline OP
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rooskers  Offline OP
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Ok another question for all who have gone through this for awhile. I sent XW an email (the only way we communicate) indicating D13 next counseling appointment as per her request.

Response from XW:

Thank you so much for the update. Can you let me know the plans for my visit time with D13 this weekend?

This is such a nice change from the demands and horrible emails sent in the past. Wow I think co-parenting might be possible. I let her know that D13 and her therapist are going to talk about XW visitation idea and I would let her know what they came up with. Then within minutes I get another email asking if D13 wanted her to attend the back to school event. I asked D13 and kept myself completely neutral giving her the control over her answer since D13 feels she has very little control in her life and she said "absolutely not!". So I send an email back saying D13 asks that you not attend. I thought this should be the end of it. XW responded "ok". I didn't expect that either usually it is something about how I am coercing D13 into hating her or some stuff like that. All was well until a little before 11pm.

XW sends a two page typed email from her phone talking about how she is open to mediated visitation and how she doesn't want to force D13 over but then goes on and on about her legal rights and D13 has to be with her. Then she starts up again on how she didn't understand anything in the divorce papers and didn't realize that she would only get D13 so few days as she does (the visitation was created by her not me and she was happy with it all summer). XW is even rewriting history to claim that the visitation is something D13 and myself came up with. She even told D13 that on her last visit causing D13 to get super super super pissed at her. Then she goes on about how I need to help her build their relationship and how it is not "unhealthy" for D13 to be with her. She talks about how heartbroken she is without D13 and how she can't heal without D13 and the silence from D13 is setting her counseling for herself back. Then she starts bragging about how successful she is at work and how she is in such great financial shape so she is able to afford this amazing lease in an expensive part of town. She keeps going on and on about how "Safe" it is for her. Finally she ends it with "I am legally a co-parent to D13 till she's an adult. She may choose to keep me out of her life at that point but I should have time together with D13 until then."

I have no idea what any of that was about. I have done nothing but encourage D13 to attend her visitations and have even given her ideas to make them more enjoyable. If it wasn't for me all but nearly begging D13 she wouldn't have gone on any of the visitations. D13 has completely unattached from XW and it almost seems like XW is doing what a lot of husbands do when they first find out about their WW. She won't give D13 any space, won't let D13 work with her therapist alone, tries to fill the visitation with non stop stuff. D13 just keeps pulling further and further away. Now it appears she is coming to me to fix it all for her.

I didn't reply back to her email.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2864891
09/10/19 08:37 PM
09/10/19 08:37 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 6,482
Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline
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This is in my signature:
"What is best for me kids is best for me"


It has severed me well.

Always ask yourself:
What is best for my daughter?

In most cases, it is best for the child to have both parents frequently and equally involved in their life. You are responsible for your relationship with your D. You can help guide your D to have a relationship with her mother. Help guide her to forgive. Help guide W to rebuild the R with daughter and gain forgiveness.

Love people, hate bad behavior.

This is what needs to happen. Multiple times if needed. I am in the middle of this with my step daughter16. She knows this very well. We are teaching grandma how to do this now.
Quote
Apologize (I am sorry...)
depersonalize (place action in larger context)
shift intentions (I was trying...)
solidify commitment to change (take concrete steps to assure no repeats)
restore balance (put energy into relationship)
ExampleĒ I am very sorry I put a dent in your car. Nothing was going right that day. I didnít want to give it to the valet because I know how much you love your car. So when I parked it myself on the street, thatís when it got hit. Iíve already called several places and got quotes. Iíll take care of it anyway you want. You can either give me the insurance information or I can give you the quotes. I am also going to have them detail the entire car so it will look like new. Thatís on me. I feel so badly about this happening.Ē


Google "Make peace with anyone"


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2864898
09/10/19 08:59 PM
09/10/19 08:59 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 6,482
Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline
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Quote
If I was still happily married to my spouse and I wanted to protect our childrenís relationship with the other parent, how would I handle the situation?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2865289
09/13/19 09:44 PM
09/13/19 09:44 PM
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Posts: 75
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rooskers Offline OP
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XW told D13 she didn't have an affair and isn't seeing the guy anymore. I know that doesn't even make sense but then when does the XWW ever make sense? She told D13 that she must have seen some other women with the guy. D13 was having a hard time yesterday because she believes XW and OM are still together and XW is just hiding it. I try to steer her away from thinking about it but she is afraid she will go over for her visitation and he will be there. I don't lie to her and tell her that is a very real possibility. She is going to a therapist and I am hoping her therapist can give her some coping mechanisms. Has anyone gone through this? What things did you do to help your child? Since XW has denied and lied to her about it I feel like it will almost be like a D-day for daughter if her fears are confirmed.

The guy who my D13 and I believe she was having an affair with when I was married to her probably is still in the picture but I pretty much could care less anymore. He can have XW and all the baggage and issues she comes with. If I had met XW for the first time today I could honestly say she isn't my type. Her values, morals, even looks have changed to such a point she is not the same person I new for 22 years. I hate what she did and work toward letting go of my hatred for her. I do hope one day she is truly remorseful for what she has done. For now indifference is the goal!

For me detachment is going great but still a long way to go. No physical/relationship/phone/text contact since 7/22. Email only and that is only in regards to D13.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2865315
09/14/19 02:45 PM
09/14/19 02:45 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 545
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kas99 Offline
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Itís not your job to repair this relationship and I cringe at you begging your daughter to spend time with a mother who chose OM over her. Encourage yes. Beg no. Your ex has a lot of work to do to fix the mess sheís made. She really should have considered the consequences before she made her choices. I donít see how having a relationship with someone this callous benefits your daughter at all.

Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2865320
09/14/19 04:50 PM
09/14/19 04:50 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 75
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rooskers Offline OP
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Well XW has gone a step further in her destruction of R with D13.

XW is the one who requested the parenting plan for D13 be every other weekend (52 days a year) and it was XW decision to not see her the entire summer while she partied with new friends, changed her hair often, traveled to new places, shopped for a brand new sexier clothes style, and got tattoos. So now that summer is over and her friends can't go out with her every weekend what does she do? Well of course she wants D13 around more but D13 hates her. So she just changes the story to fit her needs.

She has told D13 that the only reason she is not able to see her more right now is because D13 created the current parenting plan which prevents XW from being with her. She has also told D13 the only reason she didn't see her more this summer is because D13 told her not to visit. D13 is extremely upset that XW is now blaming her for XW abandoning her. All of what XW has done is because D13 wanted it that way according to XW.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2865336
09/14/19 10:30 PM
09/14/19 10:30 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,226
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rd500 Offline
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Hi Rooskers, please take this as my humble opinion and from my experience. Your D needs to be validated and sometimes this needs to be done by a professional as well as yourself. Your Exw is projecting and thats not healthy for your D. My W left 5 years ago and now only has contact with1 of my 4 children and even with the 1 child shes only sees her every few months ( at d15s request) .

It has taken 5 years for Exw to realise what she lost re her children and Exw kept digging herself a deeper hole re the kids for the first 4 years she was gone.

Keep strong for your D and know you are being her strength and rock throughout the turmoil she is living through. Lots of chapters are still to be written in your book of life and when you get to the end of the book you want to look back and know that every choice you made was for the benefit of D.

Just my humble opinion

Take care , Rd

Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2865337
09/14/19 10:52 PM
09/14/19 10:52 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 75
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rooskers Offline OP
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rd500 Thanks and I agree with your opinion completely. I had D13 in therapy but she didn't like him because she felt as if she was being treated like a little child. I was looking for another therapist for her when XW forced her to go to her therapist to work on their R which caused D13 to become suicidal. D13 then refused to go to another therapist because she didn't trust any of them. I took my daughter to her primary care doctor who then had her see a Behavioral Specialist who finally convinced her to try another therapist. We looked at the list of recommended people and D13 picked out one we both seemed to like. She starts with her new therapist next week and I hope it goes better than the last two. I have also been connecting my daughter with healthy adult women that have been very supportive of her. They don't talk about her mom just show her love, acceptance, and most importantly listen to her when she doesn't feel comfortable sharing certain feelings with me. I endlessly tell my daughter that none of this is her fault.

The problem as I see it is XW doesn't love herself and maybe doesn't even know how to love. Even more heartbreaking is the fact I don't think XW knows how to accept unconditional love. Her mom had her at 16 and told her she was a mistake. Her mom has tried to reconnect in a healthier manner in the past four years helped along a lot by me, (probably one of the mistakes I made in the R) but that ended three months ago with XW telling her she is no longer her daughter and stopping all communication. D13 even commented to me "see dad she stopped being Grandma's daughter so I can stop being hers."


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
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