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A Message from Michele
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Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2864153
09/05/19 12:08 PM
09/05/19 12:08 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,308
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AnotherStander Offline
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Rooskers, wow you have really been through it! I don't know if you've read DR and other threads on the forum yet, but please do so. Also read all the links Job posted. It will help you understand. Your W isn't a run-of-the-mill WAS (walkaway spouse), she's a WW (wayward wife). WW's can be quite mean and vindictive as you've discovered. It is similar to going through a midlife crisis. She's blowing money on wild vacations, shirking her responsibilities, alienating her daughter, and heaping blame for every problem in her life both great and small on you. We've seen it here over and over again. First, it's HER not YOU. Second, what you've been doing so far is actually textbook DB'ing and is the right approach- give her time and space, leave her alone, don't engage. You cannot do anything to help the situation right now and anything you try will just make her more angry. So the best action is no action. Leave her be and focus on you and D.

Regarding D and XW, there's nothing you can do to fix their relationship. But try not to make it worse. As tempting as it may be, don't bad mouth your XW to D. Don't ask your D about XW either. Don't ask about OM, don't ask what XW is doing, what she's like, nothing. If D brings XW up to you then LISTEN and VALIDATE. Nothing more.

Believe it or not she will probably come out of this at some point in the future and be more like her old self. She may even want to reconcile. That may seem outrageously impossible to you but I've seen it happen. But she has to go on this journey alone, you can't help speed it up.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2864202
09/05/19 06:34 PM
09/05/19 06:34 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 77
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rooskers Online OP
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I haven't read any of the books on here but ten years ago when she had an affair I read a ton. The focus last time was how do I get her back but the focus this time is letting her go. The house has been rearranged with help from D13, all pictures of her have been removed, D13 and I are layering memories at our favorite places to visit, D13 and I are taking art classes together, we have already built a pergola to create a comfortable place to relax in our backyard, D13 is switching rooms in the house to create a safe place for her to rest and we have changed all the pictures on the wall and I D13 has had friends over and gone over to friends house to try to create a normalcy for her. I am also trying to work on new goals and dreams for myself but it is hard. As far as her coming back to reconcile, I tried that ten years ago and thought we had succeeded only to be blindsided again. It took me five years to trust her again and I know in my heart I could never trust her again. I doubt there is a thing she could do to even get me to consider taking her back or working on the radioactive waste that was our relationship.

I never badmouth XW but that is mostly because I don't need too. XW has a PHD in destroying relationships with people and she is going all out with D13. My heart and soul are ripped apart because I have had to take D13 to her pediatric medical facility so the oncall pychologist and her can come up with an emergency plan to prevent her from suicidal thoughts when she is at her visitations with XW. I am doing my best to get D13 to see a regular therapist for herself but because XW forced her into group therapy to work on their relationship D13 fears all therapists. I honestly don't care about their relationship right now my focus and the psychologist, behavioral specialist, and school counselor agree D13 needs to work on herself (coping strategies, setting boundaries, self love, confidence) before evening considering whether reunification or reconciliation would be possible or what it might look like.

I try to just take each day as it comes and give all the support and love needed to D13.

Last edited by rooskers; 09/05/19 06:40 PM.

1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2864262
09/06/19 04:32 AM
09/06/19 04:32 AM
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rooskers Online OP
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I just got an email claiming XW had no idea what she was doing when she signed the divorce papers and never would have signed them if she had known that she would have such limited time with D13. It has been three months and she didn't even bother to see D13 for two of those months and saw her for only an hour the third month. Now since it didn't work out with the other guy she wants D13 around. The visitation schedule was completely her idea and now she is claiming it was D13 and me that came up with the schedule. She even accused D13 of begging her to sign the divorce papers as they were without making any changes. Everything she says is either completely distorted truth or just an out and out lie. Funny how everything financial in the divorce papers she understood completely just not the visitation schedule. I even have a text from her complaining about spousal support and her name change but telling me everything else she agreed with and even thanked me for the visitation schedule.

I didn't respond to the email at all and have no plans on doing so. She told D13 that she didn't realize what she was signing and was going to fight for time in the middle of the week. D13 told her if she does that she is retaining her own lawyer and going to request full custody for me, no visitation ever, and changing her middle name which is the same as XW. D13 went on to say if she doesn't win, at 16 she will emancipate herself so she can legally never see her again. I can't understand why XW is trying so hard to destroy her relationship with D13 so hard.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2864270
09/06/19 06:42 AM
09/06/19 06:42 AM
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Hi Rooskers, just to say you are doing brilliantly. My W walked out 5 years ago and left the 4 children with me so i have some idea of what you are going through.

You are handling all this c@ap better than most and you rightly point out that your D is the focus here. Keep on being her rock , validate her feelings and let her vent. Your stance on not bad mouthing W is the correct one, your W is caught up in her own narcissus right now and mayne be for many years to come.

Don't hesitate to let your lawyer know of the various threats etc.

Please take time for you, this may feel that it's a hill too big to climb but it's not, read the posts on here , people move forward with thier lives and flourish. Keep positive, for you and your D who seems a very lucky girl to have you as her dad. Follow the wise words of the moderators on here and the very wise words of the site.

Take care , Rd

Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2864387
09/06/19 04:56 PM
09/06/19 04:56 PM
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rooskers Online OP
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Thank you all who have replied. Little over three months in and I have brief periods of my brain and body relaxing. Today is not one of them. I am creating a binder and printing out all emails and texts sent by XW. The divorce is final but from the last few emails I believe I need to be prepared for her taking me to court over visitation. The part that scares me is that the end result will most likely be the end of D13 and XW relationship. I know it is out of my hands and so I continue to concentrate on my life and being D13's rock. Putting together this binder and rehashing the entire three months has me throwing up every couple hours and the pain in my heart is almost unbearable. I knew XW since she was 17 and loved her unconditionally. After her first affair she helped me to rebuild trust in our marriage and then sent me a text (couple months ago) saying she broke up with me a long time ago and has been faking it ever since. She deceived me and everyone in my family for 10 years. She led me to believe that we were amazing together and that she loved me. She shattered my heart, my dreams, my daughter while I am left to pick up the pieces.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2864528
09/07/19 04:40 PM
09/07/19 04:40 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
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rooskers Online OP
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D13 is very excited for a nice day of relaxation, no emails from XW yesterday or this morning, I am able to get the house cleaned up, and I can catch up on grading homework. This appears to be the beginning of a great day (knock on wood).


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2864587
09/08/19 07:03 PM
09/08/19 07:03 PM
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rooskers Online OP
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Yesterday was so amazing. Today I just hurt. No reason why I just find when I have a huge up the down seems to affect me more.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2864825
09/10/19 04:52 AM
09/10/19 04:52 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 77
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rooskers Online OP
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XW after months of being nasty and threatening is all of a sudden being cordial in her emails. She mentioned in one of her emails that she was having surgery soon and couldn't pick D13 up or drop her off for visitation and would have her friends do it, then said something like not that you care or anything. I responded with I care and wish you the best of luck and I would be glad to drop of and pick up D13. Her response was the following:

"Saying thank you doesn't express how truly thankful I am to you for being willing to help with that during my surgery recovery. I will give you copies of all Dr Fife's recovery instructions and I won't be taking any narcotic pain medication while D13 is visiting. I'll be requesting non opioid pain medication. I will keep my home environment safe for D13 at all times. I see the therapist tomorrow and want to ask about a way to keep communication open with D13 and you. You haven't let me know if you want a mediated visit with the therapist but that will remain an open invite if you choose that."

This is the first non-threatening email in months. Why do I feel so on edge about it? She has never mentioned a mediated visit with the therapist during this whole process so I am not sure what she is even talking about. Why in the heck would she want to give me her recovery instructions, we are divorced and I haven't been in contact with her except by email since it was finalized two months ago. Two days ago she was threatening me on email that I wasn't providing D13 with proper care. I would love to hear opinions.

Last edited by rooskers; 09/10/19 04:52 AM.

1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2864826
09/10/19 06:20 AM
09/10/19 06:20 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 189
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DS9 Offline
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Originally Posted by rooskers
I would love to hear opinions.


Hey Rooskers. I used to get this type of thing too mate, but more a self righteous, factually impossible, curse word riddled verbal spew, then hours later, acting as if nothing happened and normal conversation. Is your XW very strong willed and never wrong in her own mind?

The first line of her email is telling to me. I suspect she feels guilt, and this is a moment of a little clarity there, tinged with a stream of consciousness from her for the rest of the email given you don't know what she's talking about with those other things.

Or, if you are going through Court, it could be a self serving email on her part.

One of the veterans will probably have better insight as to potentially the nature of the email.

Either way, just try to not put any names in any posts here just to keep under the radar with things.

You're a good man Rooskers. Stay strong for your daughter mate!

Cheers, D


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2864866
09/10/19 04:30 PM
09/10/19 04:30 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 6,503
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She is temp checking. She is testing you. Pass the test.
Originally Posted by rooskers
. I responded with I care and wish you the best of luck and I would be glad to drop of and pick up D13
Better :

H:"I wish you the best of luck and I would be glad to drop off and pick up D13"


Quote
"Saying thank you doesn't express how truly thankful I am to you for being willing to help with that during my surgery recovery. I will give you copies of all Dr Fife's recovery instructions and I won't be taking any narcotic pain medication while D13 is visiting. I'll be requesting non opioid pain medication. I will keep my home environment safe for D13 at all times. I see the therapist tomorrow and want to ask about a way to keep communication open with D13 and you. You haven't let me know if you want a mediated visit with the therapist but that will remain an open invite if you choose that."
Best is not to respond. Respond only to direct questions, and even then, short as possible. IF you ABSOLUTELY NEED TO RESPOND, then the next best option is H"Thanks"


Quote
Two days ago she was threatening me on email that I wasn't providing D13 with proper care. I would love to hear opinions.
Personally, I would be skeptical of anything she says. You are looking for a consistent change in behavior of the long term.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
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