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A Message from Michele
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22 years gone #2863762
09/02/19 07:40 AM
09/02/19 07:40 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 75
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rooskers Offline OP
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rooskers  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
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My EX W had an affair on me ten years ago. She led me to believe for the past ten years it was a mistake and I could trust her again. On May 23 she was in bed with me after we got our teenage daughter to bed and said she didn't love me like a wife anymore and no longer wanted to be married. She didn't want to go to counseling and the next day left. On the May 24 she went to school and pulled D out of class and told her "I don't love your dad anymore and want him to take care of you and I will see you sometimes." She then brought her up to my room, I teach there, and left her where she ran up to me and started screaming. My EX W just walked out of the room and never looked back.

This was one week before my birthday and two weeks before a huge vacation we had planned as a present for my D birthday. She was also suppose to help me with an outdoor school trip I was in charge of for school. I was in total shock that my life was just turned upside down for a second time by the same person. She said it wasn't a guy but the couple days later I noticed on our shared calendar that she was going on birth control and was taking one of my D friends to ballet. I told her dad that since I was going by his house that I could take her since I had to take my D anyway and he got real evasive and said no my EX W said she could do it and thank you anyway. My suspicions were raised and confirmed when my D said about a month ago she noticed they were hanging out a lot and she was always super smiley and excited when he came in. She then said at a friends party that she went to my EX W dropped her off then went for a walk with him holding his hand. EX W denies this all and told my D she must have seen someone else doing that. When I confronted her about this on the phone she got very defensive and said she didn't have an affair with him but then invited his daughter within hours of me saying I did not want to go with her and my MIL to Hawaii. When her MIL came up my EX W wanted her to stay with me supposedly to visit with D. She wanted me to care for D and only invited her over once to see her new place which she magically got within a week of leaving. MIL said the OM had been over to her place to help her with things like lights for her car and installing various stuff.

While all that was going on I was continuing to work at school and taking care of my D. She had a ballet performance that both EX and I were suppose to help with but she bought out so she didn't have to help and I had to double up on my volunteer duties but I wanted to be involved to support my D. I was use to helping and volunteering since I was a stay at home dad for most of my daughters life. I was even the one to hold her for the first eight hours of her life since she was born by c-section. During this couple of weeks my EX W never asked to take care of our D or have her come stay. She only saw her twice before the Hawaii trip and that was only for a couple hours. While in Hawaii my EX W made the trip completely about her flirting with tour guides, taking them everywhere with no breaks, spent money like it was going out of style, pretended nothing had happened, and argued with her mom everyday. I got a call from my D one night saying that EX W and MIL got into it big and both stormed out so I was worried I needed to fly and get my D. They came back and EX W took D on a walk and told her how she had an affair on me 10 years ago and proceeded to tell her all the things I did wrong in the relationship and that is why it happened. She told her that this time she left not because of a guy but she felt herself going that way. D got very upset and defended me a lot in that discussion.

While they were in Hawaii I got the divorce papers ready like my EX W wanted and had everything split pretty much 50/50 with me getting spousal support because I had been the stay at home dad for the past 10 years, put her through nursing school, and supported her career instead of working on mine. I also created the visitation schedule like she had requested and that was she wanted to see D every other weekend and to rotate holidays. When they got back she was given the papers by my lawyer and complained only that she didn't want her name changed back to her maiden one since she was shutting her mom out from her life permanently and complained spousal support was too much. She was happy she said with everything else and thanked me for the visitation schedule.

For the next two months I have been threatened to be sued by her and my D has only received occasional texts that consist mostly of EX W adventures all over the place. This has hurt D very much and eventually she blocked her from texting her anymore. EX W did ask to see her once before the visitation started on August 2nd but that visit did not go very well and only lasted an hour. EX W has gotten nastier and nastier from the moment she got the divorce that she asked for. If she isn't threatening legal action she is demanding things from me. Through almost all of this I pretty much didn't respond at all unless I had to and then it was strictly business. I have not tried to talk about the relationship or even called her or seen her for more than 30 seconds since the day after she left. I have given her everything she wants, divorce, no contact except email, taking care of D, and still she despises me. It is hard to let go of 22 years together and the fact I rebuilt my trust with her after the affair 10 years ago. I loved her unconditionally and to just be thrown away like piece of garbage hurts. The Wednesday after she left I called and she said she had been faking it for years and was tired of faking it anymore. She spent all summer going to the lake with her new friends and travelling all over and now that summer is over she wants to be super mom again and wants more visitation. She has also been saying how she didn't even understand what she signed in the divorce however she certainly understood the financial part. My D hates her and doesn't want to see her at all and honestly I can't blame her.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2863780
09/02/19 12:46 PM
09/02/19 12:46 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,491
Southern Maryland
job Online

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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,491
Southern Maryland
I've copied and pasted in Cadet's Welcome Posting for you to read.


Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-65, D32,S31

Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2863782
09/02/19 01:48 PM
09/02/19 01:48 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5,741
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Steve85 Offline
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Sorry you are going through what you are going through. All I can say is.........

Do all you can to encourage your D to have a relationship with her mom. Trust me on this. You want to bend over backwards to help that relationship nurture. If you do not there will come a time in the future where your D accuses you of ruining her relationship with her mother. Please do all you can including redoing the visitation schedule.

Your D may decide to cut her out of her life (just like your EX W is doing to her mother) in the future, but it won't because of anything you've done.


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2863785
09/02/19 02:13 PM
09/02/19 02:13 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 542
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kas99 Online
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Posts: 542
How old is your daughter? Is the divorce final yet?

Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2863935
09/03/19 08:27 PM
09/03/19 08:27 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 75
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rooskers Offline OP
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The divorce is signed by the judge and is final. My daughter is 13 and in 8th grade. While I have her she has been doing great and even looking forward to a wonderful future together. The last visitation my EXW without notifying me or telling D picked her up and took her to a therapy session with her therapist so they could work their mother daughter relationship. I am not against that I just asked her to notify me and to next time not surprise D with something like that. She just gave a bunch of excuses why she didn't tell me and never acknowledged that she would in the future. The therapist asked some really tough questions in front of her mom that she answered and my D hurt so bad after the visitation with EXW she told me she is going to refuse to see anymore therapists.

EXW is now also sending over the top love letters in the mail everyday to D who after reading them becomes horribly depressed and angry and can't function well the next day at school. During visitations she also grills D on what she is doing in all aspects of her life and D doesn't really want to talk to her about it but said she hounds her all the time about it. During the last visitation D tried to set some boundaries with EXW and that ended so horribly that D called me screaming to come pick her up. I picked her up and EXW did not fight me on it but did email me that it was technically her time but she wouldn't push the issue.

I have done my best to never bad mouth EXW to D but at the same time I am not going to lie to my D either. I believe if I lied to her that would come back to haunt me horribly since D has extreme trust issues right now. I have tried to be encouraging about things D could do during the visits that might help like painting her room, go for walks, craft, or watch TV with EXW. That is about as much encouragement I am willing to offer at this point especially since the more I try to push a relationship between them the angrier my D becomes at me. I was the stay at home dad and my daughter and I are very close and D understands she has hurt me and is in no way remorseful. D also feels like EXW has abandoned her and at this point is not sure if she is willing to pursue a relationship with her. She even has this validated by EXW because EXW has also cut all ties with her own mom (D grandma who D loves).

All I keep doing is trying to provide a stable home for my D and myself and to try not to let my emotions get out of control.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2864044
09/04/19 03:49 PM
09/04/19 03:49 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 75
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rooskers Offline OP
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Why does the EXW who wanted a divorce, asked me to raise our D, left me for another guy or to find herself constantly so angry with me. I gave her the divorce in the time frame she asked, been taking full care of D without any help, and never contact her about anything other than legal stuff and yet threats and anger spew from her in emails. Other than legal emails I have gone completely dark. I have never tried to go to her work, call her, contact her in a personal matter, checked her Facebook, attempted to go to her new house, accused her of anything. I have only seen her twice in three months, the first time was the day after she left to let her get all her stuff I packed up for her and the second was to drop off D on a visit. When I dropped off daughter I tried to tell her D was not wanting her new friends over when she was visiting but EXW just started screaming "stop hurting me, leave me alone, don't touch me," before I had a chance to open my mouth. She wanted a clean slate I gave it to her, why won't she leave me alone?


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2864072
09/04/19 06:02 PM
09/04/19 06:02 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 6,478
Colorado
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Ready2Change Online
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Colorado

It is projection. She needs someone to blame besides herself for her choices.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2864092
09/04/19 08:35 PM
09/04/19 08:35 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 75
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rooskers Offline OP
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She forced D to go to therapy two visitations ago to better work on their relationship. This was a complete disaster for D mental health and now refuses to see any therapists. EXW sends her letters nonstop and is trying to force a relationship with D and it is driving a further wedge. I have taken D to a behavioral specialist and psychologist but EXW insists on meeting with them privately to get guidance on how to help D. The problem that happens is then D does not want to meet with them after EXW talks with them privately. After essentially abandoning D for about two months and lying to her before and after the divorce D does not want a relationship at all especially not a mother/daughter one. EXW thinks couple sessions, handwritten letters, and ice cream will make everything go back to normal with them but she doesn't realize that relationship is forever gone. It will most likely take years, if D wants it, to develop a new different relationship and years more to develop any trust.

I continue to be D's rock and try to keep her life as normal as possible while with me. I am going through so much since my EXW essentially just walked away without any reason given. My car just broke down and is at the repair shop, I have a horrible cold, and EXW keeps sending threatening emails. My work has added even more responsibility to my already busy schedule. Is this really the rest of my life? At least I have my D and we are an amazing team.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2864098
09/04/19 08:52 PM
09/04/19 08:52 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 6,478
Colorado
R
Ready2Change Online
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Ready2Change  Online
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 6,478
Colorado

Weather the storm. It will pass.


Validate D13 on her feelings. Encourage a relationship with Mother. Guide D13 how to forgive mother.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2864105
09/04/19 09:13 PM
09/04/19 09:13 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 542
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kas99 Online
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kas99  Online
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Joined: May 2019
Posts: 542
Quote
EXW thinks couple sessions, handwritten letters, and ice cream will make everything go back to normal with them but she doesn't realize that relationship is forever gone. It will most likely take years,


What is it with WAS's that do this? My WAH has sent flowers, cards, phone calls and a gazillon text messages to D17 trying to get her back. She stopped talking to him 5 months ago and says if he moves us she's never talking to him again. Moving means she loses her home and her beloved pets so yeah she's angry. From what I've read she probably won't forgive him until she's in her 20's. WAH hasn't filed yet so he could fix this but he won't. WAH has stopped pursing her so much since clearly it isn't working. He blames me of course like I have any control over a teenager with a cellphone and a car.

Quote
I continue to be D's rock and try to keep her life as normal as possible while with me. I am going through so much since my EXW essentially just walked away without any reason given. My car just broke down and is at the repair shop, I have a horrible cold, and EXW keeps sending threatening emails. My work has added even more responsibility to my already busy schedule. Is this really the rest of my life? At least I have my D and we are an amazing team.


Same. Sick? Check. Car needs repairs? Check. Work stress? Check.

I haven't heard from WAH in 5 weeks. Things have calmed down here and me/3 teenagers have adjusted. We all pitch in. S19 helps D17 with math. D17 helps with dinner. D14 does the dishes. I do the laundry they fold and put away. The 4 of us are an amazing team. I wonder if this is the rest of my life but I try not to dwell on it because it changes nothing.

Last edited by kas99; 09/04/19 09:15 PM.
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