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A Message from Michele
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Re: We interrupt your normally scheduled life... [Re: Yail] #2862856
08/26/19 04:40 PM
08/26/19 04:40 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 661
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Yail Online OP
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Yail  Online OP
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Thanks all, I appreciate the notes and encouragement. I really, really do.

I'm a bit on edge today because I'm effectively homeless for a few weeks, and that just messes with your routine and sense of normal. I'm still a bit behind on sleep. I want some private space. It was an insane weekend of packing and work. I'm not eating the veggies I should be and the sugar content is at astronomical levels (I had a Klondike bar for breakfast sooo......).

But, I also am starting to feel a bit calmer in that I am now officially OUT of the house. I loved that house, but it was time to go. And I'm no longer surrounded by her things. This will be very good.

She's effectively out of my life again, and we have no need to communicate except for the D. I can now manage our communications in whatever way I choose, and I don't really have to see her if I don't want to. She said we would have to for the D, but I don't know that I do. I see no reason to not just have it go through our lawyers.

It's not that I don't want to see her or do want to see her - it's that I have my power back. I'm in a place where I can decide what's best for me. She can't surprise me. I'm not telling her where I will be living. I want my privacy.

The only pending piece is what happens with the property equity. I will be curious how that plays out in the decree. After that piece is done I can truly do whatever I want - play nice, play mean, not play at all. That choice and that freedom is what I'm waiting on. I'll be "not playing at all", if you're curious.

I do feel calmer when she's gone. Let her take her journey. Maybe in a few years I'll be able to forgive and we can be friends. Maybe not. But I don't have to decide today. All I need to do today is live for me.

Re: We interrupt your normally scheduled life... [Re: Yail] #2863744
09/01/19 10:37 PM
09/01/19 10:37 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 661
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Yail Online OP
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Yail  Online OP
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Posts: 661
You know how sometimes you feel like you've lived this part of your life, and you almost can see what's around the corner in a hazy image?

I have none of that right now. I literally know nothing of what comes next, and it's very interesting. Things feel new.

So I moved out of the house last weekend. To be honest, I've spent very little time thinking of W except for waiting for her to file paperwork. Once that's settled I'll really relax into knowing that she can't pull the rug from me ever again. She has no affect over me in my day to day life. I'm in control.

I spent Sunday - Thursday at my brother's house with him and soon to be SIL. They're the best. Seriously. My rockstars. But I didn't want to stay with them so close to the wedding. They deserve space.

Plus, I'm a major introvert. I'm having SO MUCH fun being social, but at the end of the day I desperately need my own space to feel rested and focused. Staying in the guest bedroom was lovely, but tough for me.

My apartment won't be ready until September 16 after all, so I have a 3 week gap in housing. This stressed me out. And then? MY COLLEAGUES pulled through for me in a major way. Bless them.

The college owns a couple of apartments, and one isn't rented. I'm being allowed a super-short (2.5 week) rental. It's right next to campus (so much so that my staff wifi account pulls from the building next door). It's a SWEET apartment. 2 bedroom, hardwood floors, beautiful building. Honestly, it's way nicer than the apartment I'm moving to in a couple weeks. It should be - it's way more expensive.

There's even talk that they may let this slide under the radar and either a) not charge me rent or b) charge me super low rent. Talk about amazing favors!

I feel like I'm in an airbnb vacation except for the fact I still have to go to work every day. It's the fun of being in a temporary space and living life in a different way. I'm right downtown with all the noise and vibe that comes with it. It's a nice temporary stay that I'm really enjoying - but also I'm solidifying the fact that long-term I think I'd like to buy a house in the country. Last night I just heard students laughing and yelling greetings to one another and I smiled to myself. This morning I narrowly avoided walking in vomit. Soooo yeah, it's definitely a college vibe.

*******
When W first left I was irrationally angry about a couple of things that had nothing to do with the fact that she bailed on the R. Things that were about our lifestyle, but not her. Those two things were

A) I was really sad I wouldn't have a summer vacation. We always took a week or so vacation together that was a treat. I felt like that part of my lifestyle was gone. And

B) I was REALLY angry that here I am in my 30s without a sex life. Supposedly peak-time, and I'm not having any fun.

So here I am on the other side of our break-up. And I realized I took control of both of those things on my own. I took an amazing trip to Italy, and it helped me realize what kind of life I want to live. It gave me joy and it gave me focus.

Soon after the break-up I spent way too much money on lingerie for myself. I haven't had a chance to use it for anyone else, but I sure do feel good in it. An actual physical relationship with someone else will come in time, but the feeling I was missing (of being wanted/sexy/a woman) was fulfilled by just enjoying the feeling of control I had when wearing something I felt good in.

My next R is going to have her hands full. I'm full speed ahead these days.

*******

Speaking of "next R", I've had the chance to spend more time with my work-crush. She's killing me. Absolutely killing me. Because I know she's not interested, and I 100% respect that. I would never pursue someone who isn't similarly interested because that's just not cool.

But then she'll do like 1 TINY little thing that's just .... weird... if she really only saw me as a friend. Like there's this weird intimacy that normal friends don't start off with. And then I'm back to wondering if she maybe has a secret attraction. So then I'm on the hook again.

I think I may get to hang out with her both professionally and socially this week. Perhaps that will tell me more.

Re: We interrupt your normally scheduled life... [Re: Yail] #2865326
09/14/19 08:39 PM
09/14/19 08:39 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 661
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Yail Online OP
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Yail  Online OP
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Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 661
Things can be going along so beautifully, and then the deep sadness rears her head.

With all this upheaval over the past few weeks I've been feeling pretty good. No pits in my stomach, no real thinking about STBXW. I was starting to (almost?) look forward to receiving D paperwork so I can just put this behind me and move on without the fear that she'll show up and throw me off my groove. I realized I live in a lot of anxiety that I'll see an email come through from her. Checking my email is a regular part of my day, and there's a tiny bit of anxiety every time, and I don't want to live like that. I know that communications will stop after the D. I never initiate them.

What I wrote before is exactly how I feel: I'm afraid she's going to pull the rug out from under me again. I feel that way with every communication.

So with that feeling I've been almost anxiously awaiting D paperwork so that we can be done with this power she has over me.

She did write last week saying her lawyer needs my address as part of the paperwork that is finally being worked on. I know this is true, but I really didn't want to give it to her. I don't have a PO Box, so my address is where I'll be living. I just wanted to be under the radar so she doesn't know where I am.

I don't have any fear of her in a physical sense - but a tiny part of my has a fear she or her OW would show up in some craziness at my door. I don't know. I have no reason to think that. But I just didn't like it. I ended up providing the address anyway, because I couldn't come up with a valid reason not to that wasn't based on irrational fear.

But today she crept into my thoughts. Who she was before. And I can't see her coming back, and I'm so sad over this. I can't see her ever realizing that she was an equal part to our problems and 100% the reason for the D. That starting with just an apology would open a door to us.

I don't see her ever reaching that self-awareness, and that makes me both sad and feel like a total @$$hole. Who says that about the person they love(d)?

It's like I've split her into two people officially in my mind. The woman she was before and that I'm starting to miss again. I'm missing her deep down where it hurts. And then the woman she was for the last 9 months of our R with the A and gaslighting and horrid, horrid behavior towards me. The woman who I believe is now in a full R with the OW and I believe also engaged. Who the F is that woman??

Despite everything, I think long-term I could forgive. I can't believe I'm even in a space where I'm contemplating it in my mind, but if I saw the woman I fell in love with in front of me I think I could maybe forgive the rest. Is this maybe part of the bargaining stage of grief? I'm thinking it might be. Grief is such a long, slow process.

It just hurts so bad that I don't think I'll ever hear from her again. Not the true W that I used to know.

Re: We interrupt your normally scheduled life... [Re: Yail] #2865329
09/14/19 08:58 PM
09/14/19 08:58 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,569
Colorado
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Thornton Offline
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Hey Yail,

I think we can all relate to how you feel. I too suffer from that horrible anxiety, it’s brutal.

Rest assured, you will not feel this way forever. It just feels like it. Eventually your feelings for W will change and she will no longer hold that power over you. I think back to my first wife and when we split up, I would have been willing to bet that I’d ever find love again. I truly believed my ex was the only person who could understand me. These days I don’t even think of my ex. She doesn’t even cross my mind. There’s absolutely nothing she can do to hurt me.

Time is a great healer. Keep working on you and GAL.

Thorn

Re: We interrupt your normally scheduled life... [Re: Yail] #2865331
09/14/19 09:26 PM
09/14/19 09:26 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 661
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Yail Online OP
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Yail  Online OP
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Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 661
Thanks Thorn. I know I'll cycle back up, I just keep forgetting that I'll continue to cycle down too sometimes. It's a surprise every time, and feels like a set-back.

The Good:
Most days lately I've felt amazing: powerful, confident, charming and intelligent. I've felt like the person I want to be and that I'm finally starting to uncover. I've been wondering, "who am I? Who is this social person that Yail is becoming?". I've always been shy, but these days I'm really tackling the social sphere. Perhaps it's my 180.

I have a few new friends. I remember last Fall when that's all I wanted - friends beyond my wonderful but small circle. And there are some lovely women that I'm getting to know that just popped into my life. It's new and it's gratifying.

One in particular is pretty cool. She's a lesbian as well, and incredibly outgoing and vocal. She just kind of picked me out of the crowd, declared "I want to be friends with Yail" (kind of literally did that, actually) and started inviting me out to do things. She has invited me to three different social things, I've said yes to all. Two of the events were with new-to-me social groups, and she then introduced me to new people at those so I can continue to expand the people I know. I think it's on me to invite her out next time so she knows I value her as well. We seem to have a similar sense of humor which is fun, though to be honest I don't know much about her personally yet. I could see us really clicking, and I'm hopeful she becomes part of my new group of friends I want to build.

This is what I need to focus on. Building my new life. But every now and then I suppose I have to pause, mourn, and keep moving.

Re: We interrupt your normally scheduled life... [Re: Yail] #2865435
09/16/19 03:51 AM
09/16/19 03:51 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,639
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DejaVu6 Offline
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(((Yail))) I can totally relate. Whenever I start to feel down about the demise of my marriage, I just think of the people I have added to my life and other blessings that would not have occurred if this had not happened to me. Feeling down now and again is not a setback. Getting over this kind of loss is not a linear process. You are doing great!! (((HUGS))))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: We interrupt your normally scheduled life... [Re: Yail] #2868536
10/17/19 02:12 AM
10/17/19 02:12 AM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 661
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Yail Online OP
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Yail  Online OP
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Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 661
"We can decide to be happy. Make much out of little. Embrace the warmth of our ordinary days. Life unfolds as a mystery, an enterprise whose outcome cannot be foretold. We do not get what we expect. We stumble upon cracks, are faced with imperfection. Bonds are tested and tightened. And our landscapes shift in sunshine and in shade. There is light. There is – look for it – look for it shining over your shoulder on the pass. It was light where you went once. It is light where you are now. It will be light where you will go again."

- Call the Midwife (Season 8, Episode 3)

Re: We interrupt your normally scheduled life... [Re: Yail] #2868543
10/17/19 03:46 AM
10/17/19 03:46 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,639
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DejaVu6 Offline
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LOVE IT!!! What a great quote! Thank you for sharing. (((Yail)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: We interrupt your normally scheduled life... [Re: Yail] #2873605
11/27/19 06:55 PM
11/27/19 06:55 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 661
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Yail Online OP
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Yail  Online OP
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Y
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 661
I've been ruminating quite a bit on the word "create". What is creation, how do we live creative lives, what does it mean to create a new life. It's a pretty singular focus for me these days.

Two quotes circle around my mind.
"We have to create. It is the only thing louder than destruction" - Andrea Gibson, spoken word poet
"The opposite of war isn't peace. It's creation." - RENT

I have no desire to destroy my life and start again. I have a desire to create and build my life. Creation has no room for guilt, or anger. The pain that exists is not dismissed - it is useful to use as a guide. It feels like the space I need to be in.

Three days ago I started "The Artist's Way". It's a book that was written in the 90s for "discovering and recovering your creative self". It's a self-help book of sorts, but the focus on identifying and nurturing the creative soul inside you. There are exercises to do and daily writings. It's a 12 week program.

I have always resisted identifying as an artist, despite going to school for music. I refused to be called a "musician". I have held Art at bay and looked at it warily. But I'm in a space where I'm welcoming the change and the building. Three days into the book and I can feel my resistance falling. I want to live fully and out loud. I need to be in touch with my inner artist to do so.

Re: We interrupt your normally scheduled life... [Re: Yail] #2876182
12/14/19 10:41 PM
12/14/19 10:41 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 661
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Yail Online OP
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Yail  Online OP
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Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 661
2020 is almost here, and I can't believe I thrived this year.

I don't post much anymore for a few reasons. DV's recent troubles (hi hun, if you're reading) with her XH and OW reading her posts kind of highlighted a secret fear of mine. I don't think W reads here, but I can't be sure. And with our D being in process I just didn't want her knowing my life. It hurt too much.

I suppose I should call her XW. It's not official yet, but has been filed and the judge just needs to sign off. No idea when that will be, but it's on its way in upcoming weeks I suspect.

And I still try not to think about her too much. I'm still baffled that she left instead of trying to work on it with me. I need to continue to create distance in my heart so I call her my "former" or "XW" whenever referring to her in conversation. Her name brings images of her face and I still have difficulty when I think about her. I will likely always love her.

But I've also made major strides in letting her go. I can see what my life might be like now, and there are so many amazing positives. I have come into myself this past year in way that I never foresaw. I didn't know there were these parts of me missing.

I have become close to my coworkers and have a fantastic team at work. I have made a good friend who I adore and while she's married, she also is a flirt and she's fun to hang out with. She has made it her mission to find me a FWB relationship since I often lament my lack of a sex life. So far no luck - the people she is identifying for me are either straight or unavailable. I tease her about her terrible taste, but think it's great to have a friend in my court who just wants me to be happy. All my friends do.

I have a February appointment for my tattoo. It will be a black and white floral piece - maybe about 6''x4'' on my upper thigh. I can't wait. This is a result of my "year of Yes" list.

I should go back and read that list which I think I posted here. I didn't accomplish everything, but used it as a guide to stop staying stuck, and to seek out the fun I see around every corner. Don't live the life I think I'm supposed to have - live the one I want.

So now I need to identify what 2020 will be for Yail. Another Year of Yes, perhaps, but I think I should refine it a bit. More about taking risks perhaps. I'll think about this, and maybe post about what the 2020 focus will be.

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