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D,

Yes with the knowledge of what I know now and from being divorced for over a year. If you respect yourself and tell her that you will no share her with another and you never see her again what does that tell you? What you fear you attract.

Here’s what it tells me. You showed some balls and didn’t contact her for a week so that peeked her interest. She’s thinking “oh $hit is plan b slipping away?” She initiated sex to make sure you’re back on the hook as plan b and like you said of course you comply and wallaha you’re plan b again.

You get overly excited because you think you’re making progress so you pursue with a text and of course she distances again because she doesn’t want you to get your hopes up. Classic Pursuit and Distance dynamic that is in your homework.

DB this is going to be the hardest thing you have ever gone through in your life.

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Originally Posted by DBX80
Thanks for the response AnotherStander.

You said, "When you tell a wayward what to do then what is their response? They rebel against you and do it anyway." Are we 100% sure she's wayward instead of a MLCer? Is it possible that she's just a walk-away spouse? Does it make a difference?

Yes it makes a difference IMO. I'm going to be softer on someone who is hurting so bad they want to leave than someone who is hurting so bad they want to leave and has an affair.

Originally Posted by DBX80
In response to her request for a dinner together, what if I say something like, "If you’re still talking to that other guy, I don’t think it’s a good idea." Thoughts?

Did you ever date a girl who had a boyfriend already? Would you continue on with a girlfriend if she was talking to OM? I hope you see my point.

Relationships are relationships. Marriage is a societal thing that really helps advance the human race beyond our monkey brains. Everyone understands the universal truths in relationships. Don't think about the formal marriage in this regard, but how you view relationships. I think that would be a fine thing to say. It's clear, it's about what you will do. Maybe take the "if" out of the front of the sentence.

Your story sounds familiar to so many here. Are you reading the other situations, looking for similarities, and learning from them?

I'm not sure that should be shunning her, just don't accept all of her invitations. You HAVE to work on your detachment. You have to be nonreactive, confident, strong. Learn how to control your emotions. Be attractive. Being the emotional person right now is not going to attract her back.

My bet is that the OM is a bit of a loser in some obvious ways. What are your good qualities? What are your bad qualities? How can you accentuate the positives about you and stomp out your weaknesses?

LH nailed the sex/plan B thing on the head. It has happened a million times before you. You need a pickup artist to help you in regards to attraction. That text was ill advised.

Last edited by ovrrnbw; 09/24/19 02:46 PM.

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It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Hi guys. A lot has happened since the last time I posted, so here’s an update:

As you may recall, my W was taking time and space (by living in a hotel) to consider whether to proceed with divorce, or to give our marriage a second chance, all the while having an EA with a guy who lives 1000 miles away, and refusing to stop contacting him. Last week, she told me that she had made a decision, and that she wanted to get a divorce. Shortly thereafter, I decided to contact the OM myself to tell him to stop communicating with her, as he was helping to destroy a marriage (and I figured, what have I got to lose at this point). The OM told my wife I had contacted him, and my wife was not happy about that, to say the least. However, she did say that the OM was going to adhere to my request to stop talking with her (allegedly). Since then (this all happened last Tuesday), I have not spoken to or seen my wife. She has basically gone dark on me.

Thoughts?

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Well DB most LBS think that the OM/OW are the problem and once they are eliminated then problem solved. The reality is the OP is just a symptom of the problem. My guess is they are still in contact and she still wants a divorce.

Speak to a lawyer, detach GAL and give her time and space. That’s all you can do right now.

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I'm so sorry to hear this. Well, the decision to go dark or not has been made. As LH19 says not much to do now except to work on re-building yourself for your next relationship (with her, or someone else).


Last edited by CWarrior; 09/30/19 08:03 PM.
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Originally Posted by LH19
Well DB most LBS think that the OM/OW are the problem and once they are eliminated then problem solved. The reality is the OP is just a symptom of the problem. My guess is they are still in contact and she still wants a divorce.


Yes, or OM really did cut contact and now she is looking for OM2. But LH is exactly right, she's not coming back just because she had her candy taken away. Have you ever seen "My 600 Pound Life"? When those people go on the show and are put on a forced diet, it is AMAZING the lengths they will go to in order to secretly get a fast food fix. Even if confined to a hospital they find ways, even though they are only hurting themselves. That's the power of addiction, and make no mistake wayward wives are fully addicted.

Quote
Speak to a lawyer, detach GAL and give her time and space. That’s all you can do right now.


Absolutely.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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My thoughts are that you shouldn't believe anything she says and only half of what she does. Implement the LRT.

Put the focus on you and not on her.


H 34
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BD 3/12/18
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It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Thanks everyone for your responses. She came by yesterday to pick up some stuff from the house. She was cordial and we had some small talk. I tried to be scarce with my words, and left the room once we were done with the small talk. Will be seeing her again later today for a vet’s appointment for our dog.

Oh, and she was still wearing her wedding ring (as was I).

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Another update:

Yesterday we took the dog to the vet, and everything was cordial once again. She was still wearing her wedding ring. At one point, she did initiate talk about how her work was going, and I engaged her about that. Other than that, all other talk was just small talk, and my words were "scarce".

She did her laundry, and after she left the house, I found that she had also done my laundry. So then I texted her a "thank you, you didn't have to do that." She responded with "it's ok. you're welcome."

I don't know when I'll see her again.

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So yesterday, I did not see her, but I did notice that she logged into our security alarm system mobile app last night. The only reason she would have to log into the app is to check the activity at home (the app tracks motion in the house, the opening and closing of doors/windows, and the alarm being set to on or off). This is the first time she has checked the app in a very long time. Was she checking on me? Was she wondering about me? Getting curious about me?

Still doing LRT...

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