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Last resort technique? #2863540
08/30/19 04:52 PM
08/30/19 04:52 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 35
D
DBX80 Offline OP
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DBX80  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 35
Hello all. I've been following the forum for the last couple of weeks, and I've found it to be very helpful. My wife (34 years old) decided 4 weeks ago that she was no longer in love with me, and told me she was considering getting a divorce.

A couple of days later, it was revealed that she is having an emotional affair with some guy who lives 1000 miles away, and she refuses to stop texting with him. I told her that with the OM in the picture, our relationship could not possibly move forward in any way. She still refuses to stop communicating with the OM.

Now, I admit our marriage was not perfect, and I certainly was not perfect. But now she says the last 13 years of being together were hell for her because I was too controlling and selfish. I was not aware she felt this way, and I told her that these are things we can work on, if only we both commit to working on them.

She says that now she doesn't know what she wants, and that she needs time and space to think about herself. She has moved into a hotel down the street, but still comes by to play with the dogs, to do her laundry here, and sometimes she has dinner with me. We don't have any kids.

My question is: How do I proceed with this situation? Should I do the LRT? Or just the regular non-LRT stuff in the book The Divorce Remedy? Or something else entirely? Help please!

Re: Last resort technique? [Re: DBX80] #2863561
08/30/19 05:56 PM
08/30/19 05:56 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,008
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,008
NY
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Last resort technique? [Re: DBX80] #2863562
08/30/19 06:05 PM
08/30/19 06:05 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 656
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CWarrior Offline
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Posts: 656
Hi Dbx80,

The first thing is to take deep breaths and pause. Don't be in a rush to contact her or make big decisions.

Days into my sitch I rashly decided to Go Dark (similar to Last Resort Technique) when I wasn't ready for it and broke down and contacted her 3 days later. lmao. I probably set my situation back 3 weeks!

Over and over we see folks worsen their sitch with impulsive actions.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Originally Posted by "Dbx80"
A couple of days later, it was revealed

How was it revealed? There's a difference between her telling you and you discovering on your own. Do you know how long this EA has been ongoing? How did it start? How serious is it?

Originally Posted by "Dbx80"
she refuses to stop texting with him.

How does she justify having an EA while married? Has she told you why she won't stop talking to him?

The more we know about your story the better the board can advise!

Last edited by CWarrior; 08/30/19 06:11 PM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Last resort technique? [Re: CWarrior] #2863565
08/30/19 06:17 PM
08/30/19 06:17 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 35
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DBX80 Offline OP
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DBX80  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 35
Hi CWarrior. Thanks for your response.

The EA came to light when I saw her texts showing up on her iPad in real time (her iPad was at home with me, and she was out and about with her iPhone). I later confronted her about it, and she admitted it.

She justifies the texting by saying they are just friends, that’s he’s just a distraction, and that he really listens to her. I’ve explained that those types of “flirty” texts are highly inappropriate for a married spouse, but i suppose she thinks that since she’s “unsure” about whether she wants to continue in the marriage at this point, it’s no longer “cheating” since we’re “on a break.” She’s told me that I can date others if I want to, “as long as nothing physical happens.”

So yeah, it’s all kind of a mess...

Re: Last resort technique? [Re: DBX80] #2863568
08/30/19 06:19 PM
08/30/19 06:19 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 2,992
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LH19 Offline
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Posts: 2,992
She’s asking for time and space so give her time and space. When she comes to see the dogs make sure you have plans. You can’t make her stop the EA. Sounds like she thinks you’re a control freak so that is more of the same behavior. Too early for LRT. Become less available and never contact her first. When she contacts you keep it business like.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Last resort technique? [Re: LH19] #2863569
08/30/19 06:24 PM
08/30/19 06:24 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 35
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DBX80 Offline OP
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DBX80  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 35
Hi LH. Sometimes she asks me to dinner or to lunch. Should I decline those invitations? Or accept but keep it “business like” during the meal? Or...?

Re: Last resort technique? [Re: DBX80] #2864267
09/06/19 04:43 AM
09/06/19 04:43 AM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 1,970
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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ovrrnbw  Offline
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Missouruh
Nobody goes to hell willingly, much less stays there for 13 years.

She most likely moved out for a reason that you won't like. I'd be scarce as well, especially if she was at the house.

Don't decline all the invites, just have plans 70% off the time.

Give her the time and space she is asking for.


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: Last resort technique? [Re: DBX80] #2864909
09/10/19 10:32 PM
09/10/19 10:32 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 35
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DBX80 Offline OP
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DBX80  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 35
What is the point of being scarce? On the one hand, I understand that being scarce will give her the "time and space" she has requested. On the other hand, I feel like giving her all this time and space will just bring her closer to the OM, whom she is still texting with on a regular basis (per her own admission).

Wouldn't it be better to be friendly and available with her so that she can see that I'm not the monster her wayward mind has suddenly framed me to be, and so that I can compare favorably to the OM? I feel like being scarce would just affirm her current thoughts about my being selfish and neglectful.

I guess what I'm asking is: Isn't it better to be friendly than absent? I'm not talking about pursuing her or pressuring her. I'm just talking about being present and friendly when we happen to be in the same room together for whatever reason.

And I know, I don't just want to be friends with her. I want to be her life-long husband. But don't people have to be friends before they become lovers and life-long partners?

I guess I just find it hard to believe that by leaving her alone and being scarce, that she will just magically "snap out of it" and coming running back to me. Being passive and distant like that doesn't sound like a winning strategy to my logical brain.

Re: Last resort technique? [Re: DBX80] #2864914
09/10/19 11:31 PM
09/10/19 11:31 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 2,992
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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You should always be cordial when in the same room together.

So you are asking if you should compete with OM for your W?

You say above that she is asking for time and space and you are indicating you don’t want to give her time and space so in essence that is more selfish behavior. Everything above is about what you want.

What you want her to do is to wonder about you.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Last resort technique? [Re: DBX80] #2864918
09/11/19 12:29 AM
09/11/19 12:29 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 182
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DS9 Offline
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Originally Posted by Dbx80
What is the point of being scarce?



Hey DBX, sorry to see you here mate.

Think of it this way. Imagine you now intensely disliked someone who once was very close to you, and wanted them nowhere near you. This is how your W feels about you now.

Would it make you feel better about that person you now dislike if they hovered around you? Probably not. In fact, you'd probably dislike them more.

Listen to LH19, ovrrnbw and the other veterans here, and trust the process they put to you. You're lucky in that you've come here early. Make sure you've read Sandi's 37 rules - print them off. Start DB'ing! Her leaving you means you need to adopt a DILLIGAF attitude to that.

Originally Posted by Dbx80
Being passive and distant like that doesn't sound like a winning strategy to my logical brain.


There is very little logic to the actions of these spouses who leave. Trust me, I'm a big logic guy and I'm still struggling with the lack of logic 7 months later. Your W's decision was emotional.

Originally Posted by Dbx80
But don't people have to be friends before they become lovers and life-long partners?



Not really mate. When I first met my XW at a club, within 5 minutes she was 'reading my palm' and telling me there was a line on my palm which said she'd be my next lover. It's about emotion, attraction, and the vibe you give off.

Good luck mate!


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
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