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kml Offline
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AS for the general discussion here about "settling" versus ideal mates - the truth is somewhere in the middle. If I'd held out for my perfect match I definitely would not have had as much great sex and good companionship as I have had in the ten years since my divorce. And I rather doubt I would have found that perfect match by waiting. I've learned a lot about what I value in a relationship and what I can let go. NOBODY that I have met or dated since my divorce would meet all the checked boxes on a list. We definitely don't want to be settling for someone who isn't meeting our needs, but at the same time, some give and take is natural.

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Definitely not encouraging a few to find a perfect partner. There is no such thing. There will always be give and take and that makes room to enjoy your own interests. But incompatibility and leading parallel lives never really turns out well.

No one had ever met all my check boxes. But it’s good to have check boxes and be aware of them when choosing a partner .

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AndrewP Offline OP
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Thanks all - I am so very grateful to have such good friends here.

Before job gets out her baton and waves me along, I've already started a new thread for us to continue to explore things. Perhaps with a different focus. I am very flattered by the feedback that you have all been so very kind to provide.

These Boots
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2863282&#Post2863282


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Totally agree with kml on the birthday greeting. I don't see an issue with you sending her a greeting. Well, actually I do, as in I would NOT do it, but I'm not you, so I get that is who you are and you feel like you are staying true to yourself and being classy, so I get it. BUT, you should TOTALLY leave out all the mushy stuff. You can still be classy and stay true to yourself through the break up with a simple "happy birthday, hope you have a wonderful day" or something along those lines. Polite, friendly, but not sappy, mushy, romantic, lovey/dovey.

To Don's point, I agree that you are worth a lot more than what you got. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure B is a lovely woman in her own right, but I do not think that she is the right woman for you. You are so much more valuable than you give yourself credit for (like G) and you need to learn that REAL value. I, like Don, suspect that while you say you are moving forward and letting it go and all of that, if B showed up at your door tomorrow, you would welcome her back with open arms. Now, if you did that, I couldn't really say much beyond you do you, but as someone else pointed out in an early comment (I think it was Juju), if one read between the lines of some of your last posts right before you and B broke up, you were not as happy as you wanted us to believe. I think you had doubts, but like G, you were trying to out think them or put them to the side or making excuses or whatever you want to call it.

To kml's recent point above, I think that she's right that settling vs. finding the ideal mate really has a truth somewhere in the middle. Nobody is perfect. NOBODY. But, you can be familiar with the things that are most important to you and choose a woman accordingly. You have pointed out yourself, Andrew, that there were several seemingly important layers that you and B were incompatible on: intelligence level, financial acumen, general interests. Differences can be a good thing because they allow 2 people to maintain their own individual identity in a relationship, but too many differences is just too hard to balance. You need to find someone with whom you are more compatible and I think in the grand scheme of things, you and B simply weren't compatible. As much as I hate to say it, because I was SO anti CL all along, you need a woman more like her: educated, professional, earns her own money. Someone who is a saver and doesn't live paycheck to paycheck.

Sure, maintain a friendship with B, if you choose to do so (though I am probably in the minority when I say that I just never really see the point in that. I have one X from my past that I am friendly with and we talk every few months, just catching up, but everyone else is fairly non-existent in my life because I outgrew them, if that makes sense). Anyway, by all means, keep it classy and friendly, but don't let her think that you are still just sitting there waiting for her to run back to you. That isn't healthy for either of you.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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