Le sigh. I am at a loss as to what to do other than suck it up and power through. I won't throw him out. We have both been clear for a long time that it would be better for all concerned if he were on his own. I've forwarded him job ads and know that he generally has ignored them. We've had calm conversations and he agrees with everything I say and then does nothing. With car payments coming up, I can't really afford to rent him an apartment.
Therein lies your answer, Andrew. You won’t throw him out so you are going to have to suck it up and power through. He has continued to ignore your advice and suggestions and seems to just pacify you when you talk to him about it. It is not on you to rent him an apartment, it is on HIM. He is 25, not 5. As long as you continue to make excuses for him and not actively put pressure on him to change, he won’t. He may well go stay with his mom while you are gone, but I agree with Ginger that his moving in with her is not the solution. Sure, it gets him out of your house but it does nothing for him. As long as you are steadfast about not throwing him out and continuing to provide everything for him, he has no motivation to move. You are going to have to light a fire under his @ss, as my dad would say. If you don’t want to throw him out, why not at least start making him pay a little rent or buy part of the groceries or be responsible for part of the bills. While you don’t need his help financially, you could either actually use that money to pay bills or you could stash it back to save it for him then “help” him build a little nest egg specifically for moving out and getting his own place. I agree with Ginger about giving him a deadline. As long as you continue in the current vein, you are going to continue the current situation and he’ll be S35, S45, etc. still living with you being a surly child. If you want him to act like a man, treat him like a man. I would be rather reticent to move from the place where I had everything paid for me, could come and go as I please, do as I please.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I agree w/Ginger and Dawn, your son isn't going to do a darn thing about being a more responsible adult any time soon. Why should he man up when he's got it good? He doesn't help w/the work around the house, he doesn't pony up some funds for the bills or groceries. The least he could do is help w/cleaning the house and yard work. He knows that you are conflict avoidant and will not push him to do things. It's time to advise him that when you return from your trip, things are going to change, i.e., he will pony up half the funds for the electric and fuel bills and yes, even begin to clean around the house and yard. If he doesn't like it, well...he can make the decision as to when he will be moving out. He's 25 years old and it's time for him to start acting like a man and not some child who is relying on daddy to take care of him for the rest of his life.
BTW, it's not your place to get him an apartment....it is his place to get a real job and now that he has his license and wheels, there is no excuse that he can't find one. It's not your place to provide him a roof over his head until he's 50 and you are ready for the nursing home. Time to cut that apron string and make him accountable and responsible and the only way to do that is to lay out what he needs to be responsible for.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh, and Andrew, him smoking pot with closed windows and smelling it all over your house, that actually is your problem. If you don’t like it, you tell him to take it outside . You can do that. He is living under your roof for free.
Also, weed is not cheap, even where it is illegal. Where is he getting the money for that? That could very well be rent money!!!
And to add t Ginger's posting about the pot...think of the cats if you don't want to think of yourself. Those kitties are smelling that stuff and it's not good for them.
I do agree, if he wants to smoke that stuff, take it outside. You don't need the house smelling of pot, nor do you want your clothes to have that odor on them.
If he has money for pot, then he has money to either pay rent, purchase some groceries and help with the utility bills.
If he gets angry, then so be it...but it's time for this little man to grow up and take on some responsibilities.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It's Wednesday! A warm(ish) and drizzly one. Even though it will be warmer than it has been lately today you can really feel the presence of Autumn.
Long and rambly nonsense - nothing really of note to report.
I'm clearly remembering sitting out on my front bench a few years ago hearing the geese honking in the distance and realizing that an entire season had gone by and that my wife was still gone with no sign of returning. It's now been years and she's still managing to stay away
For Sunday Supper S25 was wearing his cheerful and engaging face and enjoyed the lasagna which TBH turned out rather good for a first attempt. There are many many leftovers though. I'll be eating this probably until Halloween. I need more people to feed. S25 doesn't tend to eat leftovers even less than I do - but I wanted to try a lasagna and so there it is.
He was I'm pretty sure out for dinner with his mother on Monday night. Usually when he's out he leaves a note except when it's his mother. He got home well after I went to bed and the next morning the local paper was prominently left open on the classifieds for jobs and apartments. Fingers crossed that he's actually going to be doing something about it. He had been ignoring the job postings I was forwarding him on Messenger but he's at least seen them now. I can hope that his mother has added her voice to the "get a real job" chorus.
I have been smelling the "herbal" scent a bit more in the last few days to where I commented on it last night, opened a window and turned on a fan. Now that the storm windows are up and there is reduced ventillation in the house I hope he decreases his use. Yes, I could stamp my tiny feet and request he stop / do it outside but that just creates conflict that - yes - I would rather avoid. Even though it's "my" house, like I told B - it's "our" home. And it is for him too. And the happy cheerful S25 was long gone by Tuesday night.
Feeling "the lonely" more than a bit in the last few days. I did foolishly browse around to see if I could see any footprints of B's life but nothing new. Both she and her STBX/H have had me thoroughly blocked since the end of last month. I know that's bad and I need to just let that go. I went in and deleted my search history so it doesn't pop up as a recent search. Last night we had a fabulous thunderstorm - almost window rattling. Being a warmer night and having gotten accustomed to sleeping with the windows open when B was here, I left them open. I remember on nights like that and actually most nights, my ex used to lay with her head on my chest listening to my heart beat. I miss that.
I've spent some more time thinking about what I did right or wrong in the relationship with B and what I glossed over that I should have been more pro-active on. A key one I think was the fact that it felt like for B that our relationship was some sort of secret which I know that I discussed here at the time. Oddly, not so much from her friends and family but from mine. We did have discussions about it where I told her I was worried that she wasn't fully divested of her old life and that she wasn't ready to be with me. She discounted that and suggested that she didn't want to confuse her grandkids as an excuse which in hindsight was rather bogus. They all knew about me fairly quickly, it was my side that she was hiding from. I was also thinking how odd it was that when she moved out of here to her youngest son's house that she did it all on her own and that her son - who had time and a fairly big pickup truck never helped. All irrelevant at this point but just other factors to look at to understand the next time around if people are really as loved and engaged as they might make themselves out to be.
I've been trying to put some more focus on sticking to my diet despite having an urge to take myself out for wings tonight. My weight has been somewhat stable for the last while and since I added apples back to my diet there has been little problem with gout. I would like to get down to my post bomb-day weight which was around 100kg although I saw a picture from back then the other day and oh-my-heavens. My face at least looked skeletal. I was about 75 kg at my most fit when I was in my early 20s and about 80 when I got married but those days are long past. At just under 6' tall with dense bones and broad shoulders I think 100 kg is about right. This morning was 113 which is where I've been since last Christmas.
Almost all the practical things are done for my trip. I fly out this Saturday afternoon. I was going to hold off sending my X her (monthly gift) :P until Saturday but will probably do it this afternoon. It's due on the 15th. Going to do some laundry and ironing in advance so I have enough clean undergotchies to go with me and to have work clothes for a day or so after I get back. I'll download the book that kml suggested from my local public library - the loan is good for 2 weeks. I have lots of other content to keep me occupied during quiet times and on the flight but it will be nice to check out something new. A good part of my vision for my trip beyond lots of walking and site-seeing is just hanging out in cafes or parks with a time of day appropriate beverage and a good book. It would have been really nice to have a companion but I don't. S certainly sounds very interested in my trip. B wouldn't have enjoyed it even if we were still together I am sure and she agreed. She did get a fair amount of flak from her friends about not going with me. Her being stone broke and there not being a beach were two bigger reasons although TBH if she had shown interest another ticket certainly could have easily been found.
Well - I need to decide if I'm going to take myself out for dinner tonight. I didn't last week. Not sure. Kind of a coin toss as I should be having the "I have food at home" talk with myself. There is undoubtedly lots of lasagna.
Time to focus back to work though. Maybe go for a walk at lunch if the weather holds.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Well - I need to decide if I'm going to take myself out for dinner tonight. I didn't last week. Not sure. Kind of a coin toss as I should be having the "I have food at home" talk with myself. There is undoubtedly lots of lasagna.
Andrew,
Here's the plan: You need to take yourself out for dinner tonight. It's time for you to get out for dinner. Before you go to dinner, box the lasagna, and on your way to dinner, overnight the lasagna to me. That seems to be both logical and reasonable. It's a two-fer; you get to take the opportunity to get out of the house and you don't have to worry about wasted leftovers.
On my phone at the airport having a beer. My heavens they make quite the margin here. Certainly one way to avoid getting drunk although the young guy next to me is doing shots.
Got lost twice finding my way but nothing of consequence. I think that B was always surprised at how little such things bothered me. Thinking about her and how the relationship didn't work lately. More and more I think that she never really thought it would work. Actions didn't match words.
My own reality is that I am assuming that she meant what she said in the moment and never intended to hurt or deceive. Since my believing that makes me feel good and changes nothing I'm going with it.
She should be at her niece's wedding at a high end venue right now. It was a "must attend" thing for her kids as well but I know she was getting pushback on that. A small part of me wonders how she is paying for the hotel and taxi etc but certainly not my problem. I do expect that she will be attending solo as she accepted the invite solo since I am traveling.
S is away with two of her boys and her Dad and I've sent her updates as she had asked. Haven't been seen yet but I expect she will be happy to see them. We have a "two people who happen to be single" brunch planned for the Sunday after I get back. I am quite looking forward to it.
What inspired me to post today was the realization that this is the same departure area that my ex and I used on that fateful trip to Mexico when she finally got the courage to drop the I'm leaving you bomb. Another ghost to slay.
Flight has been delayed. Time to open my book.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Food for thought.. you are a genuine and sincere person. Your heart is pure and true. What one woman might considere a problem might not be for someone else. Do not over analyse your relationship. You did nothing wrong. I think B beleived she was ready and hoping she could handle entering this relationship with you and soon discovered how needy her son and gk were. She put her family first. Something i have done myself. The gentleman i saw for a bit was not the problem. His love was true. I felt overwhelmed and could not continue.
B did say she loved you as she departed. She is not ready. Not for you, not for anyone else. Not even for her ex .
I am looking forward to your pictures!! Enjoy every minute of this trip. You deserve it!!
