Well - this is sort of not a surprise. It does appear that women do fall from the sky.
Late this afternoon the lady I've been referring to as "stalker lady" who perhaps I should now just refer to as "S" messaged me asking me out. I agreed - having been thinking about this for some time anyway but deferred until I get back from Spain so the end of the month at the earliest.
I've known her for quite a while but not well. We have a number of mutual friends. She certainly knows all about my house, my cats and my habits at least those visible through social media as she can be counted on to react to anything I post for the last 3 years usually within minutes. She is a part time who bunch of things. Actor, baker, psychic just to name a few things. I know that she's been at least separated about as long as I have been. She as 5 kids at least 2 at home and one grand-kid. I believe that for most of the time she's raised the kids as a single mom. Her last marriage I think only lasted a couple of years. She's maybe 3 or 4 years younger than me. I do know that she is more than a bit scattered but being able to raise kids on her own she must have got a bunch on the ball.
So - it begins again. I mentioned it S25 who a couple of years ago had told me that I was absolutely not allowed to date S and he looked slightly annoyed by more or less shrugged.
Faster than what I had in mind, but not by much. I need to make sure that in the next few weeks that I work on firmly putting B behind me. She pretty much is already. I did tell S that she could feel free to text me whenever when she mentioned that she hoped I didn't mind hearing from her.
She listed off pretty much every activity that I've done in the last few years as things we could do together. I suggested coffee or brunch to start with. I do know she has some dietary restrictions for gluten.
Time to get ready for tomorrow. As the story continues.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
We both need time to heal ourselves and not use someone else to do it.
How about we both put a mark in the sand and hold each other accountable and not reach out for another partner until September 28th at the earliest. Deal?
You can do this - but you've got to heal first and fully let go of "what could have been" first.
Wow... pacts just are not worth much around here these days, are they. LOL True, you didn't completely reach out to her. Perhaps a technical loop hole in the pact. Still, the reasons behind it were sound, loop hole or not. These are very solid words you wrote - heal first, fully let go first - then it may be time - at the end of this month "at the earliest" But, the pact wasn't made with me so...
And what happened to that list of qualities you started to think about? What, if any, might stalker lady fit - other than she showed interest - which seems to for some reason still top the list for you.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Andrew, what are you doing? Why are you constantly ruminating about B, a woman who dumped you and blocked you? Why are you still ruminating about exw, another woman who didn't treat you as you deserve to be treated?
I don't have a ton of experience, but I can tell you with certainty that if someone a. dumps you and b. blocks you that there's virtually zero chance that she's thinking about you. She's moved. on. and isn't looking back.
Why are you looking at OLD sites? How is this healing you? How is this bringing you closer to a life you want to live? What recommends SL to you other than her obvious interest in you?
Settling? Don't do it. You deserve better.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Andrew, the time for healing is for a reason, right?
You’ve avoided something so important that both bttrfly and don brought up. Any woman who shows interest in you, you are interested in. That can’t be your number one criteria as it seems to be. And you are much more vulnerable to that right now. We’ve asked and asked what you would like in a partner and you always avoid that question. Is it because all you want is for them to be interested in you? Because you are certainly selling yourself short that way.
What, aside for them being all about Andrew would you want from them in the relationship? What qualities would they possess? Do you want a sense of compatibility? Or do you again just want to go and “make it work” because she likes you?
Self worth is talked about on my thread. I have a bit of an issue with it. I’m definitely working on it. And I’m almost there. You , I think, need to work on that too. You are worth more than just a woman who likes you.
I’m the past 12 years of my Singledom I have had guys that were interested in me . But I wasn’t interested in them. They would ask me out. But I knew we weren’t compatible. I was not about to fill a hole with something that wasn’t going to be good for me.
What makes her a good match? What is making you interested aside from the fact she asked you out?
Don’t sell yourself short. Be with someone that adds to your life, not fills a void. I know the void can run deep sometimes. But fill it up in other ways until you find the one who adds to your life.
Andrew, what are you doing? Why are you constantly ruminating about B, a woman who dumped you and blocked you? Why are you still ruminating about exw, another woman who didn't treat you as you deserve to be treated?
Settling? Don't do it. You deserve better.
Can we get an AMEN and a standing ovation for bttrfly????? I mean really...this is EXACTLY what I have been saying about the XW all along to the point that Andrew teases me about it sometimes. And, he's doing the same thing with B, but I have yet to point it out because I feel like I'm always the one being the jerk pointing it out, so I let it go with B, but seriously Andrew...……...you are worth SO MUCH MORE. These ladies are gone and aren't looking back, so do yourself a favor and respond in kind. Put them in the past and don't even glimpse in the rearview mirror. I realize that is a tad harder with XW since you share kids and a long history, but your kids are adults so interaction with her, at this point, is practically nil as it relates to the kids so hold your head high and move on. You truly are an amazing man. You are funny, handsome, intelligent, loyal, a great family man, adventurous, stable.....the list could go on and on here. You have SO much to offer a woman and there is a lovely lady out there for you. She may very well drop in your lap at some point, but I don't think SL is it anymore than your XW or B were.
Someone else asked and I want to repeat the question in hopes we get an answer, what is your son's vehement objection to this woman? Normally I would say, since your son is an adult he should just butt the h3ll out, but in this case, y'all have a closer relationship than most and you care a lot about what he thinks, so I'm just wondering what kind of intel he has that make him so adamant about it. Maybe it is a big red flag that you should not be ignoring.
In becoming interested in those who express an overt interest in you, you are selling yourself short. Just like those before me said. It is so easy to do, too, especially now when you are hurting and still reeling a bit from B's abrupt departure with no real reason, at least in your mind, other than speculation. You can speculate all day long she might be returning to her HUSBAND (notice there is no X there because she never divorced the man!) and that may well be true but you do not know for a fact it is. And, seriously, if she's that wishy washy, is that really a woman you want anyway? It certainly isn't the one you deserve.
I think Ginger had a good point that you really need to work on your self worth. You spend a lot of time selling yourself short and talking yourself into settling. I have said so many times before, I'm sure B was and is a lovely woman in her own right. I saw your pictures and I thought she was a cute little lady. But she wasn't good enough for you from the get-go. You were settling. Do not do that to yourself.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
LOL - Don't rush to judgement all - We've not even gone out for coffee yet although thinking back a couple of years ago we had a nice lunch together with a mutual friend. We all just happened to be at the same place at the same time. Checking my calendar I don't see us being able to get together before the 29th which is still a ways away.
We should perhaps though think too about being a bit less crabbuckit. I have been pleased though that this community IMO has become a lot more positive than it used to be at least.
The comments do deserve response so I'll take a swing at some of them.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Is she still married?
She refers to herself as single and has lived in an apartment with her younger kids and no partner for at least a few years. Don't know her legal status. She supports herself and her kids I presume with her numerous side-hustles. Her social media feed shows pictures of her wedding in 2012 and the resultant blended family. S still goes by her maiden name as do all her kids.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Why interest now and not in the past few years?
I know first hand how tough it is to find the courage to ask someone out especially when you don't know their status or interest level. Beyond knowing them since her D25 was a little girl, S and her daughter both work part time at the cafe around and both knew when I started dating B and when it ended. The owner is a very good friend and enjoys teasing me. I expect that she like I have had some interest for some years but not the courage to take the next step. Knowing that I did date and that it did end made it pretty obvious that I was "on the market".
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Is the stalker thing a little creep?
Yes - and a bit cute too. I also have an elderly cousin who remarks and likes every single thing I do on social media so don't put too much emphasis on it other than an indication that what goes on in my social media life is of interest to her.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Why is your son absolutely against you dating her ?
No clue. His response back in the day was that she had lots of kids and cooked gluten free. That's why I mentioned the potential date to him last night to give him an opportunity to raise an actual objection. He shrugged so perhaps has changed his mind.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Why are you still ruminating about exw, another woman who didn't treat you as you deserve to be treated?
I'm not a person to just discard and walk away. I will always care about anyone who has had a special part in my life. I also think that most of us here are like that and also are people who spend undoubtedly far too much time pondering the whichness of why. I have reached the point of realizing both with my ex and with B that they are beyond anything that I could do for them. But in the "privacy" of this place and my diary I can still worry about them and also others who have passed from my life. I do know that there are people who can do the "discard and not look back" but I will never understand them. Any that I've ever encountered seem to be people who have a lot of anger and who are very selfish.
I've never been a big fan of the word "deserve". I don't believe in destiny nor even fairness. That doesn't mean that I don't try to achieve fairness. People get what they get. They accept what they accept. I'm learning that I don't have to accept what I get. But people don't often get what they or others may feel what they "deserve".
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Why are you looking at OLD sites? How is this healing you? How is this bringing you closer to a life you want to live?
It's letting me know that there are others out there searching, perhaps for someone like me. It's letting me sift through the different personalities and identify what attracts me and what doesn't in a way that can be far more rational than being faced with having to actually make choices in the moment.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
What recommends SL to you other than her obvious interest in you?
Hey - it's a great start. If she wasn't interested in me then obviously she wouldn't be someone I should be interested in either.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
What, aside for them being all about Andrew would you want from them in the relationship? What qualities would they possess? Do you want a sense of compatibility?
I'm unable to enunciate my answer to this. Reciprocity I think is the one single word that describes an ideal relationship to me.
Anyhoodles. Off to take a look at the morning reports.
And thank you for your kindness and support.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
We should perhaps though think too about being a bit less crabbuckit. I have been pleased though that this community IMO has become a lot more positive than it used to be at least.
If my understanding of crabbuckit* is correct, I would say we are not trying to pull you down in the muck with the rest of us, so you can die also. Rather, we are attempting to pull you UP.
*Crabbuckit" is a single by Canadian hip hop musician k-os, released in 2004 as a single from his album Joyful Rebellion. The title and work refers to the crab in the bucket syndrome where a group of crabs will pull down any crab that tries to escape, thereby ensuring their collective demise.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
- We've not even gone out for coffee yet although thinking back a couple of years ago we had a nice lunch together with a mutual friend. We all just happened to be at the same place at the same time. Checking my calendar I don't see us being able to get together before the 29th which is still a ways away.