My heavens. The themes have certainly been scattered around in the last while. I think I blew through that last thread in a record time here - even for me.
One song and concept that resonated with me, and got me into a heck of a lot of conflict here back in the day is the idea of "The Man In The Mirror". My philosophy is that as long as I am proud of the man I see in the mirror every morning, nothing else really matters. While I do appreciate the skill of MJ - I do admit that I'm not a huge fan. But I listened to that song a "lot" during some very dark days.
I'm not a believer in the concept of "Alpha" nor of the "Nice Guy Syndrome" nor any more of strategies or playing games. All concepts that get bandied around here quite a bit as ways to "bust" what has already been broken beyond repair. I am though a great believer in being true to core values and a sense of self regardless of any outside influences. It has in the past, and will in the future cause me grief. But always always always, I will hold my head up high.
Originally when I started collecting the various fibers that are woven together as thread, this thread was to be called "Man in the mirror" - but there is something that has sustained me far more. A quote by a favourite character by a favourite author. I've referenced it here many many times.
This thread also can be a reference to my upcoming travels. Where I expect to learn a lot about the world and myself. And the importance of a good pair of boots.
Originally Posted by Terry Pratchett
“Granny Weatherwax looked out at the multi-layered, silvery world.
“Where am I?”
INSIDE THE MIRROR.
“Am I dead?”
THE ANSWER TO THAT, said Death, IS SOMEWHERE BETWEEN NO AND YES.
Esme turned, and a billion figures turned with her.
“When can I get out?”
WHEN YOU FIND THE ONE THAT’S REAL.
“Is this a trick question?”
NO.
Granny looked down at herself.
“This one,” she said.”
To recap - because not everything is in my signature any more:
Quote
Boy meets girl. Gets married. Babies. Aliens, explosions and exposition.
Intermission.
Man meets woman. They have coffee. They bump uglies. They part ways in an honest and adult fashion.
Intermission. Tea and cakes. Paella and Tapas. No tacos.
Time to return to the basics I think.
Originally Posted by Inego Montoya
"Let me explain... No, there is too much. Let me sum up."
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I am also not a game player and true to my beliefs and I conduct myself as I feel reflect that. But juju made a really good point on my thread. It’s okay to be me, the giver, but just not give away so much all the time until I can make sure I am giving to the right person. To hold back a little isn’t not being my true self, but being smart. Not to play a game to get a guy to come to me, but I can see what they have to offer me. To make sure i am not giving away to a complete taker. I would do it for me, to protect myself.
When M’s mom’s house burned and his dog died I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t reach out. I had to do that tied to expectations. I did for the most part I believe.i didn’t go overboard, I kept it neutral. And he thanked me eventually and let me know they were okay and had somewhere to stay. That was it. Now he’s gone taking care of his own business.
So tell me, A, what qualities would your ideal partner possess? Not for perfection, but someone that would make a good fit and partner for you?
Mine would be a man who has morals and wants to spend time with me freely. Who is a good parent, family oriented, a good parent and is gainfully employed with motivation and good life balance. Someone who would do something with me because they know I enjoy it, even if they don’t have much interest. someone who protects my heart and doesn’t take me for granted.
I am in the be true to your core camp, but also keep it brief.
Maybe I'm the only female who feels this way but mushy sentimental notes from exes is a REAL turnoff and, to me, would underscore that the breakup was a good idea. I wouldn't read it and think I've made a mistake, just the opposite.
You asked me to weigh in with an "Italian" viewpoint:
Originally Posted by AndrewP
She is I believe off with her sisters for a few days. My friend and I can't help but wonder if her family and friends are also doing the WTF thing with her too. Being fundamentally Scots / German in my outlook, the practical things make sense. Perhaps bttrfly can give her Italian perspective wink I do know that B's 91 year old mother was very happy with me, saw how good I was with the GK, how I obviously adored B, how B was respected and could live her own life without the controlling nature and related guilt of her STBX, and yes - had a big house that B could move her stuff in to out of her mother's tiny place.
I don't really know how to respond to that. Italy wasn't unified until a very, relatively speaking, short time ago. Northern Italians are vastly different from Southern, and Sicilians are a whole other deal entirely. A long way of saying I don't know what an Italian perspective would be. My thought is stop trying to mind read. You won't get it right and will waste a lot of time better spent focusing on your trip and your own happiness.
Here's another thought: What do YOU think? Do YOU want to spend this much time and energy on someone who would leave, especially so abruptly, and, more to the point, treat you the way she did once she moved in? I am the Queen of having a hard time letting go, so believe me, I get where you're coming from. Been there, sold the tshirt at the merch stand to other visitors. But Andrew, life is short. Way, way, way too short. If you're trying to analyze it to pieces to get her back, she isn't coming back. If you're trying to analyze it to pieces so you don't find yourself in a similar position next time then analyze YOUR side of the street only, because you can only change yourself.
Here's my final Italian thought: go listen to Frank Sinatra's version of Cole Porter's "Just One of Those Things".
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks all. I'm not really in a place to be making lists just now. The only primary item that I have is that whatever partner I am involved with needs to have a kind heart.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
You asked me to weigh in with an "Italian" viewpoint:
Her family is originally from the north east around Padua I believe.
I know it doesn't matter what other people think. The choice was made by B. I also know that the odds are incredibly high that she won't be swayed or inclined to get back together any time soon if at all and I need to live my life "as if" - because "it is".
I had been tempted yesterday to let B know that D27 has arrived safely in San Diego - but D27 wasn't someone she ever engaged with so I didn't (proud of myself for that). I am also proud of D27 and her bestie for getting themselves, the two fur babies and a car full of possessions across the country. I'm also glad that the trip was without any issues with weather which was a real concern given the time of the year. The pictures I saw indicated sunshine the whole way across. Hopefully my son-in-law's ship will soon be repositioned there too but that is probably some time away. Looking at the calendar it's coming up soon for her to come up for a visit for Thanksgiving - the weekend of October 12th.
Where has the year gone. It certainly has been a blur and I've not accomplished too much on a practical perspective. I think I've grown as a person though so that's good. I changed over the screen window on the side porch door to the glass one yesterday. Autumn will be here before I know it. My next door neighbour stopped by yesterday and said that they were interested in buying my car for the $1000 asking price - conditional on mechanic inspection. It's going to their grand-daughter as her first car. Sheesh. It seems like only yesterday that I remember her in diapers. Where does the time go.
I have my birthday note to B composed. It is very brief, light and cheerful wishing her joy and peace in the year to come. There is no sadness. No "hope to hear from you". It may well be the last thing that I send to her.
On with my day. I'm standing in my own slightly scuffed shoes on my own two feet without additional support. At the sales office today so not the safety shoes.
Thanks again all.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I glad our daughter, friend and fur babies arrived safely in San Diego. She will enjoy living in San Diego. A new place for you to visit in the future.
They say that the older we get, the quicker time flies. I think you've accomplished quite a bit this year. You still have a few things on your list to do, but they can carry over into the winter months since the weather isn't so great outdoors.
Keeping the birthday wishes short and sweet is the way to go. You do not want to send anything mushy or remind her of what B has left behind. I know that you miss her, but it's time to turn your focus on to you, your trip and your daughter's visit in October.
Try to enjoy your day!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Glad D arrived safely at her destination. You can rest a little easier now, dad.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Well - the things I was going to post about - food and metaphysical events related in part - have been over-run by other news.
Late last night - B blocked me on Facebook which was a bit of a surprise. I was pleased by my reaction which was more or less and still is a "whatev's". Since speculating and mind-reading is no end of fun, let's have a whack at it
Unfriending is easy. Blocking takes an effort. If it was just that she didn't want to see my feed with random posts about being single, reposting things supporting local small businesses etc all she had to do was stop following. I do know that she had been looking at the "story" that I've been posting. I've also not been interacting with her feed to speak of because there's really nothing much of interest there. The last post I did see was of a very cute little paddle boat and her commenting that it would be nice to get something like that for her birthday.
I suspect that the odds are really high that she's going to get back together with her STBX. Personally I think that this is a bad idea because the man had multiple affairs, told her that he felt entitled to have two women at once, and was generally an unpleasant person to live with because of his depression. In an effort to "untangle the skein" I did look back and right after she was up to visit him she posted two relationship memes - an incredibly unusual thing for her - that talked about how people don't change and how people who don't respect you shouldn't be in your life. Then - again unusual because she rarely posts anything personal - a few days before she decided to leave she posted a short video clip of her and her family out on the pontoon boat that she loved so much.
Ah well. I honestly don't have any hard feelings about her. I'm treating the whole thing as a positive experience. I am attractive to at least this one woman. I believe that she did love me. I made her happy. It turns out that I can be pretty good in bed given an appropriate partner which is more than a surprise to me. That's the reality that I'm keeping. It's mine and nothing can take it away.
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So this is the metaphysical part. On Thursday while driving home from work, there in the sky - and this is no word of a lie - was a 3 letter word. Clear as day it said GOD. I got a picture of it when the O was almost gone and the G was distorted. It could of also said COD It was big, fluffy, fairly low and didn't appear to be any sort of sky-writing. It went from very clear to read to completely gone inside of a minute and a half. It wasn't very high up - certainly not around where the other few clouds were. No small planes or even drones appeared to be nearby. Perhaps it was some sort of skywriting? There is an alfalfa dehydrating plant within a kilometer so it could have been steam emitted from there. Anyhoo - very very freaky. I'm glad I got a picture of it otherwise even I wouldn't have believed it. It did remind me of the old Bloom County comic strip where the scientist Oliver has difficulty with lights in the sky.
On the way home I needed gas so drove around some construction and a few detours to get to the gas station I usually go to. With all the construction they don't get much business so a bit of extra effort on my part to support the local economy is a good thing. When I got there I was pleased to see my former next door neighbour who was recently evicted so that the landlord could move her son in. She said she's doing OK although she and her husband have moved in with their son for now. She was thrilled that I remembered her grand-daughter - a cute kid who perhaps is a touch of special needs who would always come running over when she saw me to tell me that her name was Brooklyn and asking what my name was. While I was there I bought some lottery tickets which is unusual for me since B left (it was a "thing" for her) and was asked if I would be interested in making a donation to I think the Make A Wish Foundation. I did and was surprised when she told me that one of her grand-daughters was in the hospital fighting cancer and that she was being supported by this charity.
Whether my lottery tickets pay off or not - the odds are pretty close to 0 of course - I felt good that I was able to chat with a former neighbour who I liked and helped make her day a bit.
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I've been on two online dating sites browsing around in hidden mode and seeing a lot of familiar faces. One is a lady who is the next town over. A teacher who has been on there for a while. Her profile smacks a bit of desperation IMO and all her photos are heavily air-brushed. She's 51 I think. Well on Thursday as well when I was home, I was checking social media and in the "people you may know" up popped a certain air-brushed profile picture. She has the same last name as a neighbour of mine and is connected socially to one or two mutual friends. I didn't bother trying to connect - but my heavens (pun intended) - is someone dropping bricks from the sky on my head to get my attention about something?
The plan is still to hold to my deal with Ginger and not date until I get back from Madrid. TBH - I don't have time. That is now 2 weeks away. When I get back I have a wedding to attend that coming weekend and then Thanksgiving is coming up on October 14th. It may actually be after that before I can clear enough calendar time.
I do think that I'm recovering nicely from my time with B. Treating it as a positive that is behind me is I think a healthy way for me to look at it.
------------ I'm a bit disturbed about a neighbour of mine who is also S25's closest friend. He's in his early 30s I think and hosts the local poker game. He has no visible means of livelihood but I think lives off his mother who owns the pub a couple of doors down - certainly not a good role model for S25 in many ways. A decent enough guy and I am socially pleasant to him. As an aside he also suffers "very" badly from psoriasis and it's actually rather unpleasant to look at. He's been having trouble getting / keeping a girlfriend as you might imagine. He tried to date 20-something and she mentioned the other day that she "really" doesn't like him. So - he's done the OLD thing with poor success but has been chatting online with a lady in Thailand for the last year or so. In a month or so he's off to there with some buddies - including the 40+ year old neighbour who I mentioned in a previous post about seeming disconnected from his family - presumably to gather up his bride and bring her home. This can go wrong in so very very many ways. Fortunately S25 - who was pushed to go along is both broke and has no passport so he's not going.
Not my circus but I do appear to have a front row seat and a big bag of popcorn. I do hope that things go as this guy expects and hopes - but still...
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Busy long weekend foreseen. I'm going to treat this as the "first weekend of the month" and do my big clean but with 3 days not having to rush as much. I hope to give the floors a good scrubbing as well as the weather should be good to get some nice cross-breezes through the house.
In checking out the sloop, she does need a new suit of sails and that is something I have to do when the weather is fairly nice as they are large enough that they need to be laid out on the lawn for measuring. I have to dig up the drawings. If anyone is interested, she's a Stevenson Projects Weekender. Nice people. I may not get much more done on her although giving her a good clean is really the first priority. Too bad I don't have a power washer . There is a fair amount of patching here and there to be done but there is no dangerous rot that I've found. I must have done a fairly good job of building her and keeping her safe.
I have a nice roast of beef out for Sunday supper. Going to make a gravy - my way and lots of mashed potatoes. I might also make beer bread. The surplus mashed potatoes will become potato pancakes on Monday morning.
It's weird how the grocery list has now just shrunk so dramatically. I'm getting out of the store for under $100. There's still a certain amount of food that B liked that we stocked up on to be eaten down.
Well - time to get to it I think. Amy has given up trying to paw at the screen - annoying when it's a touch screen.
Have a great long weekend all and feel free to speculate about my encounter with the metaphysical.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Late last night - B blocked me on Facebook which was a bit of a surprise. I was pleased by my reaction which was more or less and still is a "whatev's". Since speculating and mind-reading is no end of fun, let's have a whack at it
Unfriending is easy. Blocking takes an effort. If it was just that she didn't want to see my feed with random posts about being single, reposting things supporting local small businesses etc all she had to do was stop following. I do know that she had been looking at the "story" that I've been posting. I've also not been interacting with her feed to speak of because there's really nothing much of interest there. The last post I did see was of a very cute little paddle boat and her commenting that it would be nice to get something like that for her birthday.
clearly she's ready to be more open about her life and doesn't want you to see it or she's just done and not looking back at all.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I suspect that the odds are really high that she's going to get back together with her STBX.
I think you're right.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Taking a break from cleaning. The dusting, vacuuming and much of the sweeping is done. I scrubbed the porcelain, flipped the mattress and did a full change of linens yesterday.
A man's work is never done.
It's not quite a roller coaster but there are certainly ups and downs. Downs this morning. Got woken up by SIL1 inviting me out for breakfast again. I declined politely - I didn't want to rush around and didn't feel like company. As time passes I'm not really missing B as much. She never really was around on weekends anyway. As several people have pointed out, I'm missing having someone around more than B herself. She said that she knew that she had a lot of work to do on herself - hopefully she is doing that and not trying to reconcile with her ex. One of the complications if she did do that is that would move her 5 or 6 hours away from her S38 and the grandkids which won't be good. Funny - I also miss having the GK around. They could be annoying little sods but they were loving and I think "really" liked coming to "Nona's house", playing in the big yard, the big house where they could run around and yell and having access to actual TV shows.
I pushed myself this morning to get cleaned up and go out for my traditional bowl of soup at the cafe. One of the ladies who works there from time to time was a friend my ex made just pre-bomb-day. She'd thought we would get along but then we were never introduced. I suppose my ex might have been thinking that it would be better to skip the whole "where's Andrew" thing when she started bringing OM around. No clue on that. She certainly knew who I was when I saw her there for the first time a year or so ago and has always been friendly.
At the cafe I was surprised and pleased to see "stalker lady", three of her kids, her brand new grandson, her dad and one of her daughter's boyfriends. She was quite chatty and happy to see me and remarked that she was completely unsurprised to see me at my usual routine spot and time. The grand-son is about a month old and a little cutie. He was sleeping so I didn't ask to hold him.
SL did ask about my upcoming trip to Madrid and who I was going with. I was a bit startled and remarked that S25 doesn't have his passport and I wouldn't want to go with him anyway as that would be too supervised. I think it was in some ways a "subtle" check to see if I am indeed single. Certainly I never bothered mentioning that B wouldn't have been interested in going.
There was a bit of joking banter where I remarked that if wasn't for the cafe that I'd starve to death and SL countered that she sees quite a bit of food that I make on my Instagram feed. I mentioned tonight's menu (Roast of beef, steamed cauliflower, mashed potatoes) and joked that I wished that I had more people to feed. SL asked if I had room for 6 more I think she was impressed by the menu but that's just the usual sort of Sunday thing here. I may have to get out of S25 if there are any actual reasons why I'm not allowed to date her. Previously I only got a vague comment about the fact that she has 5 kids. I think only 2 of them live at home now with one being fairly young.
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I find that when I'm down that baking helps so I made a far too big batch of cookies yesterday. Fortunately I have enough tins for them. If anyone happens to be stopping by I'd be happy to share.
I feel like laying down and having a nap but in some ways I don't know how to stop going. Really - I to find that since my separation that I am in continuous motion. There's always something to get done around here. And there's nobody else to do it. In many ways that's good I think. The house is certainly in waaay better condition than it was when I was married. I still remember my son-in-law asking to borrow cleaning supplies before using the downstairs bathroom. Yes - it was that bad. And I wasn't allowed to clean as my ex felt that was her responsibility.
My ex was out with OM and friends yesterday I was told and was sent a picture of her posed with the "wives". She is certainly the youngest of the crowd by a fairly large amount. It didn't actually bother me all that much to see it.
Well - break's over. Time to move all the stuff out of the kitchen and both bathrooms and give the floors a good wash. I'm going to do the ironing tomorrow I think and maybe do a short hike in one of the local nature areas. It's nice at this time of the year that there is little yard work to do.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
. There is a fair amount of patching here and there to be done but there is no dangerous rot that I've found. I must have done a fairly good job of building her and keeping her safe.