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Hey Andrew -

Sorry you are hurting. I know you are mourning loss of what could have been. But, When i read in between the lines, you mention a lot of things that you were unhappy with in B and you have done so since the beginning. Maybe a list for you too? I think you could use this type of list and loss to reflect on what your must haves for the next lucky lady will be. . What you don’t want to tolerate.

When I was on the boards earlier in the divorce I got swept away with the idea that for a healthy relationship, the one necessary factor was commitment. That it wasn’t about chemistry or compatibility (heck - that’s wayward thinking) but about two people committing to commitment and compromising through their differences and being able to fight fair. Maybe that’s true when people have kids and have been married for 10 years and their getting bored. But not people dating.

After my last relationship (who I dated because I knew he would be committed - but we did not share enough interests and chemistry on my part wasnt there). I realized, compatibility is really really really important. So is chemistry.

Based on what you wrote, you and B. Weren’t compatible and I think she saw it and didn’t want to settle. You certainly saw it, but you were willing to settle.


Another thing, I frequently pick up on in your writings is that you feel like she should have stayed with you because you could offer her comfort and financial stability. I think that’s a bad way of thinking for both of you and it’s something you might want to reflect on. Why would you want a woman that stays with you because you can offer her a comfortable life? You should want someone that wants to be around you and adores you because of who you are. Because you have hours of interesting conversation. Because you take joy in doing similar things together. By thinking it’s about what you can provide monetarily - you are giving up your power and also taking away Bs power.

As a single mom living with her parents (side note - I do have a education and professional career, I just live in the most expensive area in the country and my ex was 3000 a month on god knows what for years ). I find it really insulting that men think that way about me. It’s humiliating for me. And if I don’t feel that clique, I’m not going to sell my soul for a more comfortable life. I think B’s willingness to walk away from that is actually a redeeming character trait in her.

Anyway, here’s a question. What to you would be an ideal partnership? What traits would your dream partner have? What activities would you want you and your partner to do (example - talk for hours about current events, visit museums etc)


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I think Andrew, people IRL kept quiet until after the fact is because you probably weren’t going to listen anyways and might get mad. We weren’t shy about the red flags.........

You say she wasn’t happy..... you weren’t really either. I think we all sensed that. Just like me. I wasn’t really all that happy, even if I tried to cover it up.You were polar opposites not enjoying anything together living separate lives in the same house. Sure . You are a catch. But being a catch just isn’t enough sometimes .M pretty much told me I was the perfect girlfriend. Clearly not enough to make a relationship work.

I’m sorry to be blunt, but you guys weren’t a match. And I know you like to argue you don’t have to me in a “mature”age. But you do. It’s the time of your ice you slow down and enjoy each other and hobbies and spending time together. You weren’t doing that. I’m pretty sure my dad would be miserable in his retirement if he had a wife who didn’t do things with him and lived a parallel life. They done with friends, ride bikes together on the board walk, go to co certain together, travel together and go to hockey games together.

Don’t settle for a life to have a body there. No one should do that at any age. I understand you loved her . That is something to mourn. But she did do you a favor, just like she said she was. There is more out there for you than a warm body at night. I promise you that

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Thought about the money thing while I was on my lunch time walk. I wasn't sure whether to respond or not but thinking about it on a pleasant day put some context behind things.

For pretty much my entire marriage - so most of my adult life, I was made to feel that my primary contributions to the family were putting food on the table and taking care of practical things around the house. My now-ex never complimented me and when I would be proud of some accomplishment or other she would snap back that I shouldn't take on airs.

We struggled financially for most of the years we were married despite us having a pretty decent family income. The reasons for that are complex but come down to the consequences of poor choices made by us both. We certainly did do better than most of our contemporaries although most people around us, including my own children believed that we were on the lower income scales. My ex was always envious of those who had more than us and would regularly make comparisons, but would quickly say that - well - they worked hard for it.

I'm pretty confident that when my ex had her affair that one of the motivating factors for her was the fact that the guy she was chasing after was the potential more comfortable life he could offer her as a small business owner. SIL1 suspects that now that he's retired that he has a modest 7 figure net worth. That certainly reinforced that money does matter.

When I became single, many people emphasized to me that I was an open target for a particular demographic. Specifically single mothers. I come complete with a 6 figure income, no debt outside a modest mortgage (we'd gotten everything cleared off literally months before her affair), big albeit somewhat shabby house, decent teeth and hair. FSL who I was attracted to absolutely fell in to this category. So did B. I was very careful even after she moved in to give her no clear concept of exactly how much money I make. It did make me laugh because she would be outraged by the high salaries that the local nuclear plant paid and that her STBX made working there before he retired. I make similar money - I just don't flash it around. Most who have been following along perhaps remember my concern on if she was attracted to me, or to what I brought in practical terms. We'll possibly never clearly know the answer to that question although I do have to admire the fact that she left for other reasons and didn't stay just to take advantage of my good will.

So this is something I need to unlearn. Tough to do because it "is" actually true - but not for any woman that I should be wanting in my life.

Hope that makes things clearer.


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And don't send that mushy birthday greeting! She wouldn't to you. If you have to say something just a simple Happy Birthday will suffice.

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Anything more looks like pursuing.

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I agree with KMl,

Please no soppy messages!

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Agreed, no messages. But, what if Andrew sends B a picture of himself only clad in a nice bow tie?

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Don’t settle for a life to have a body there. No one should do that at any age. I understand you loved her. That is something to mourn. But she did do you a favor, just like she said she was. There is more out there for you than a warm body at night. I promise you that

Originally Posted by JujuB
Hey Andrew - Anyway, here’s a question. What to you would be an ideal partnership? What traits would your dream partner have? What activities would you want you and your partner to do (example - talk for hours about current events, visit museums etc)

I am soooooooo very glad the girls made these posts. I've been thinking the very same things for awhile now but figured I wasn't the best messenger to deliver the message. It's clearly better coming from both of them. But they both have some great comments and questions, including the two snippets that I pulled out.

The biggest question perhaps, and one that you have not really touched on, is as JuJu asked "What to you would be an ideal partnership? What traits would your dream partner have? What activities would you want you and your partner to do?" A statement you made about a month ago hit me like a ton of bricks then and still really smacks me when I think of it. You talked about how all it takes is for a woman to show you some attention and you are smitten - I'm paraphrasing much of that other than "smitten." That's not enough, Andrew - not nearly enough. It almost fits some of the old jokes of all you need is someone breathing and with a pulse. Who and what that woman is has to be a part of it - not just ANY WOMAN.

Who knows why B moved on but it could very well be she knew that you were out of her league and feared that before too long you'd figure that out. She may have just not at all been comfortable. She is who she is - and that's not who most of your friends and family would envision you with. I think you know deep down B was not even close to the one for you. Thing is, if she came to your door tonight, you'd be doing back flips to welcome her home. Sure, the paid would be gone for now, but you'd be settling beyond believe.

You really deserve more, as the girls have pointed out. You really should give this some more thought. With retirement not too far off, it's even more important to have someone that you can be with 24/7 - as that's how it often is. My mom and dad are 83 and 82 and pretty much spend all of their time together. Sure my dad still does his fishing trips with his friends (the ones that can still walk or have not died) and mom goes to quilting and stuff but they are together like 95% of the year I'll bet. Imagine doing that with someone you really don't have a lot in common with. We have talked about Ginger needing to understand her value and worth. You yourself have said you and Ginger share much in common - and I think this would be true again in this instance.

Originally Posted by JujuB
Based on what you wrote, you and B. weren’t compatible and I think she saw it and didn’t want to settle. You certainly saw it, but you were willing to settle.

Don't be willing to settle, Andrew. You deserve way more than a warm body.


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Originally Posted by kml
And don't send that mushy birthday greeting! She wouldn't to you. If you have to say something just a simple Happy Birthday will suffice.
Originally Posted by kml
Anything more looks like pursuing.
LOL - I've left DB far behind here. Not playing any games, not trying to manipulate any outcomes. I'll be telling a friend how much they mean to me on their special day and sending them fond wishes for a fabulous future. If they respond or not, it matters not. I'm being true to myself. I'm working on accepting that it's over and was undoubtedly never meant to be. I am exiting with my head held high as I hope is B herself. kml - you once wrote to me that a person who can easily discard isn't the sort of person I would want in my life. I've taken that lesson to heart - perhaps more than you intended. I do feel that it is both possible and appropriate to be classy during a break-up.
Originally Posted by doodler
Agreed, no messages. But, what if Andrew sends B a picture of himself only clad in a nice bow tie?
I think I have some pictures from a couple of years ago of me wearing a bow tie and no shirt .... They are about as sexy as you could imagine. Just think Chip and Dale instead of Chippendales. My now ex-wife used to insist that I always wore a shirt during the spring bear hunt. She always regretted that Target never really had much of a presence here in Canada. Great deals on shirts if I remember correctly.


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I'm not saying don't wish her happy birthday - just leave out the mushy stuff. Otherwise she'll think she can keep you in Plan B territory, like that other ex-boyfriend of hers. Don't give her the false impression that you are pining.

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