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A Message from Michele
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Worried Moon #2863147
08/28/19 08:15 AM
08/28/19 08:15 AM
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Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline OP
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old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2862699&page=1


starting a new thread. woke up at 1:30am. i've been listening to a lot of Chris Cornell solo work lately, especially the higher truth and songbook albums. this thread references a great song that starts out where i am now and hopefully goes where i will be soon, so it seemed fitting to choose it as a title.

the battle continues with the insurance company, but i'm talking to a different person and made my pitch, i've learned quite a bit at the job over the past 4 years, so i've put together a compelling case for them to move on their extremely low-ball price. i don't think my car is fixable. even if it is, i've added it all up and i just can't keep bleeding out cash on repairs. i need to make a decision about a new set of wheels. this is definitely a further letting go of exh, who searched, found, flew 2000 miles away and drove this car home for me. i didn't imagine it. he loved me once. I pray that some day i can look back at that and smile, not cry. i mean really, for cripes' sake, it's been years now. i thought i'd excised all this pain, but this loss just brings it all up again. does it ever really go away? how can there be something new if there's still so much pain? will i be forever in this place? will every loss bring up this loss? to quote another Cornell song, 'put a bend in the road i'm getting tired of straight lines'

the reality of being on hospice has hit mom, and she's collapsing, convinced she's dying soon. i've tried to explain to her that this is a way for her to get help that we would not be able to get otherwise. I'm not sure she believes me, but it's the truth. i wasn't sure she'd qualify for hospice, but she does. I have no doubt that the extra support could well push her into a place where she 'graduates' and has a period of stability before having to go back on again. she's in her own deepest wounding, and lashes out at me unexpectedly from time to time. when that happens i have to leave, go home, put space between us, until she's back to the present. it's a slog. I can't take it away or make it better.

still not feeling great physically, which i'm sure is contributing to being so down. it's 4:12. I need to be up in an hour. maybe I can get some sleep. doubtful, but i need to try. sorry to be such a downer.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: Worried Moon [Re: bttrfly] #2863163
08/28/19 12:17 PM
08/28/19 12:17 PM
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Originally Posted by bttrfly

still not feeling great physically, which i'm sure is contributing to being so down. it's 4:12. I need to be up in an hour. maybe I can get some sleep. doubtful, but i need to try. sorry to be such a downer.



bttrfly,

I'm sorry you're feeling down. You have a lot going on right now. Take care of yourself and ask for help and support if you need it.

Re: Worried Moon [Re: bttrfly] #2863165
08/28/19 12:24 PM
08/28/19 12:24 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
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Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline OP
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thank you Doodler. I don't even know what to ask for. Doing a lot of praying here and reiki.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: Worried Moon [Re: bttrfly] #2863167
08/28/19 12:40 PM
08/28/19 12:40 PM
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You sure do have a lot going on and are carrying quite a heavy load yourself. Go easy on yourself. Self care is super important.

I’ve had hospice patients who have been on and off for years. The services are why they go on. I had one patient who would go out with her friends to see “magic mike” she likes that canning Tatum. 2 and a half years and she lived until she passed.

Talk to people. We are here.

I’m sorry you are struggling many hugs

Re: Worried Moon [Re: bttrfly] #2863349
08/29/19 10:06 AM
08/29/19 10:06 AM
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ty G. Had a very long talk with my dear friend and Reiki mentor last night. This is a busy week, as starting today no less than three of my close friends have bdays (today, tomorrow and my "twin" on Sunday), as well as a couple of less close friends' on Friday and Saturday. Lots of birthday greetings flying around and catching up to do.

Work this week has been exhausting. I'm trying to find a replacement for our new hire, have gone through at least 30 resumes and conducted on average three interviews a day since Monday. It's grueling. Only one person is being invited in for a face to face. Some people don't even bother to look closely at what they're applying to. In some cases I feel like I'm putting more care into screening them than they did into applying, which says a lot about attention to detail (name this post A Virgo on Nitpick Patrol). Two more phone screens today, which I'm not looking forward to at all. Also boss is back in from his short time away, and we will address the co-worker who unloaded on me for being the messenger earlier in the week. I. Can't. Wait. I don't want my life to be something to just 'get through' but I certainly feel that way today. Mom likes her aide and she's getting support so maybe I can be her daughter again instead of the primary caregiver.

Other than the acupuncture appointment on Saturday, I have no real plans for my birthday weekend. My hope is that on Monday night I will have my office set up and the guest room organized, all the laundry done and be ready for the week. If the yard also gets weed whacked/mowed, then great. If not, then there's always next year. I need to get this place organized for my own peace of mind.

There's also the matter of the car to sort out and that's going to happen probably today and tomorrow. I've looked at cars and have no idea what the budget is, because it's dependent on the insurance amount. I'm torn between buying a beater to drive for a couple of years and buying something nicer and driving it into the ground. The decision will become easier once I have real #s to play with.

I've decided to put off Dad's bday party. I'm the only one who seems interested so I will celebrate him myself. Maybe I'll have a bash for the family closer to the holidays. Right now, I'm going to keep putting my ducks in a row to the best of my ability.

My anxiety while not off the charts today is still palpable. I have a lot on my mind, to say the least, including some things I can't discuss here that are really weighing heavily on me. I really miss exh at times like these, to talk over these very personal things and help sort through it, although it's been far longer than since BD since he was really present. Friend is away on vacation, so there's been no contact beyond a like or two on something posted on FB.

Since I am also Queen of Lists, I will defend my checklist for a future mate. Let's look at it from a project management perspective. When doing a needs analysis, there are dealbreakers, must haves, good to haves and would be nices. I'm not saying every item on the needs assessment has to be met, but I sure better know what the dealbreakers are, and the 'musts'. It's the 'good to have' and 'would be nice' columns that don't need to be the complete match. My point is, how many of us took a logical approach in the past? I didn't, that's for sure, and I overlooked certain things that caused me much heartache. I'm not interested in meeting yet another blood brother of exh and exbf. I'd really rather be alone than compromise on my musts/dealbreakers, because compromising on those only leads to misery for me. No thanks. I've had enough of that.

Friend checks off much of the musts, and none of the dealbreakers except one that I'm still waiting to see how it plays out. He may very well be love avoidant. He certainly has earned that right, as his ex put him through living hell, so I get it. He's said things like he'll never be the giver again, to that degree. That might be a deal breaker for me. I think I know what he means, but I'm not looking to be the one doing the heavy lifting. In fact, I won't be the only one doing the heavy lifting in any future relationship. From time to time that role shifts back and forth, so what I mean here is that I won't be the one always doing the heavy lifting. That only led to misery and heartache for me and who the heck needs more of that in this hell-realm we call Earth?

I'm still not sleeping well, and when I do sleep man, the dreams are dark, chaotic and disturbing without me remembering details when I wake up. Hopefully that will pass also as the car issue gets resolved and Mom settles into the new routine with the helpers.

I'm sorry I haven't been in a better place lately. This stuff is just hard. Everyone goes through it sooner or later. Just my turn right now.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: Worried Moon [Re: bttrfly] #2863357
08/29/19 12:18 PM
08/29/19 12:18 PM
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Posts: 26,676
Southern Maryland
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You have a lot going on. One huge thing off the list will be getting another car. When purchasing a big ticket item, it can be stressful since you do not have any idea what the insurance company is going to pay out on your totaled car. I don't envy you having to deal w/the insurance company. You pay big bucks for insurance and then they make every effort to give you as little as possible for repairs. Stay firm w/them.

Organizing your office and guest rooms will be another "stressor" off your list. When they organized, you will feel much better. I don't know about your area, but we may see some rain from Dorian by Monday/Tuesday timeframe. If your grass isn't mowed....it certainly isn't going anywhere and there is always another time to do it. If your son isn't working, you might want to consider him doing it. It would give him something to do and another task checked off your list.

I hope that you have a nice birthday this weekend. You've had so much going on over the year and maybe, just maybe, things will finally settle down for you once you get things put in their proper places and a car in your driveway.

Please take care of yourself. Happy Birthday a few days early!

Re: Worried Moon [Re: bttrfly] #2863362
08/29/19 01:58 PM
08/29/19 01:58 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,802
Canada
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
I really miss exh at times like these, to talk over these very personal things and help sort through it, although it's been far longer than since BD since he was really present..
I hope at least bttrfly that your physical health and infections are all on the mend right now. I'm also glad to hear that your mom is doing better too.

Yeah - I think for me that the whole not having someone to talk to thing is huge as well. It's one of the reasons I come here I know. And like you, my ex distanced herself from me well before bomb-day as she had found someone else to talk to and I was left on my own. It was certainly one of the things that was missing between B and I where I found it impossible to explain what was going on with my work etc in a way that made sense to her. Heck - it doesn't make sense to me a lot of the time - so perhaps an item for a list of my own and undoubtedly for you too.

I agree with job that getting your home organized will undoubtedly help too. I do know that for me that clutter - and this will sound weird coming from me - disturbs how I feel the energy of my environment around me. Be kind to yourself. Once your nest is in order your mind will also find it's own order.

((bttrfly))


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Worried Moon [Re: bttrfly] #2863378
08/29/19 03:20 PM
08/29/19 03:20 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,939
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline OP
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Originally Posted by job
One huge thing off the list will be getting another car. When purchasing a big ticket item, it can be stressful since you do not have any idea what the insurance company is going to pay out on your totaled car. I don't envy you having to deal w/the insurance company. You pay big bucks for insurance and then they make every effort to give you as little as possible for repairs. Stay firm w/them.


Amen, Job! How can I budget, decide if I need financing, etc. if there's this huge variable hanging out there? I'm happy to say that I heard from them today and they are offering a much more reasonable settlement, more than 2.5 times the original offer. They found a real comp for my car and took into account all the work that's gone into it. I'm going to keep the car, but not sure we're going to repair it. There's a huge weight off my mind. I still need to make a decision about a car, and quickly, but this is surely wonderful news, and long overdue. I'm waiting to hear from my mechanic before moving forward.

Hi Andrew, yes, I'm feeling better physically, although man the antibiotics really wore me out. I've signed up for a morning yoga class through our local park department. It's at 6am once a week, and starts in a month. Something to do for myself, to work on a goal of better health and wellbeing.

I'm ready to go shopping, lol.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: Worried Moon [Re: bttrfly] #2863408
08/29/19 06:31 PM
08/29/19 06:31 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,939
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline OP
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HELP
Ok, I got another $500 out of the insurance company because they missed several upgrades. I also got a few extra days on the rental.

Re: my car: the frame is intact!!! and it will cost a little more than the original offer to fix it, so I could walk away with a salvage title (my own), my car fixed and four figures in my pocket. OR, I could sell my car to my mechanic, buy either a used car from him that's older with higher miles OR I could get a used car with low miles for short $$ financing with a handsome down payment that may still be under warrantee.

THOUGHTS?

I'm test driving a car tonight after work, Volvo S60 2017 T5.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: Worried Moon [Re: bttrfly] #2863413
08/29/19 07:02 PM
08/29/19 07:02 PM
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,735
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doodler Online
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
THOUGHTS?


I think you should buy the least expensive car you can find and send me all of the remaining insurance money. My altruism knows no bounds.

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