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We've been together for a bit over two years. It took a while and a couple of "break ups" because of his uncertainty about life, plus some of my issues like anxiety and depression that definitely took a toll on our relationship. However, we finally moved in together last October and things were great. We were starting to talk marriage and he said he was committed to making it work with me. For work/visa issues, I had to leave the country for five months. After a while it seemed like I was not going to be able to come back, not even marriage would solve this issue of mine, so he ended things. However, he stayed in touch with me, checking on me every other day and having long talks on the phone, joking, having fun. Then I was able to come home. It seemed like things were good between us again and we both felt happy. It was like we learned to handle our conflicts and differences in a much better way than before I left but then he said he still thinks we should break up. This was during a conversation in which we talked about how we were doing so well, then I got a bit carried away by emotion and pushed for answers. After that, he kept being sweet but a couple of days later he started being cold again. Now it seems like he has a game of hot and cold with me.

He said he feels like we're good together but right now he needs to be alone. He said that he feels trapped because he has to think of me and my emotions more than his and that he feels responsible for taking care of me. I don't see how any of those things make sense since he is acting differently. I came back with zero expectations of things working out between us, but he voluntarily wants to watch shows with me, go have lunch or dinner, takes care of me when sick, has not seen his friends and instead stays and hangs out with me and our dog, he tries to make me laugh and smile, even if he doesn't have to, he did not go to the guest room like he said he would. He voluntarily comes to bed every night, hugs me in the morning, kisses me before and after work. I have been pushy many times in the past but since I came back about a month ago I haven't been.

When we had our last "talk" he mentioned my flaws and issues, and I mentioned his, which made him ask me "so why do you want to be with someone like me, someone with so many issues? why do you want me to be around you or in your life if I don't do anything?" I said simply his presence is valuable to me and that I appreciate him for who he is as a whole, not for what he does, but it's like he doesn't believe me.

He mentioned i've changed for better, he feels more comfortable, more like himself, but then he just says we should break up. He said it was kind of like "it'll end at some point so why bother?" Right now he is in France, has to go on a work trip and family vacation. I used to be clingy and somewhat mean whenever he had to leave since I had a bad fear of abandonment, but this time I drove him to the airport, gave him a kiss goodbye, and told him to have fun. He seemed to appreciate that. I haven't talked to him cause I just don't feel like it, I just feel like some resentment for how he is hot and cold like he doesn't care about my feelings. He tells me things are good between us but then says one of us should move out, it hurts. I don't want to push and want to give him space. Maybe it's my wishful thinking that hopes he'll want to at least work on things when he comes back. I'm scared of being pushy again. He sent me a few snaps, asked about the dog, sent me pictures of the cool views he has, he knows I love things like that.

Could this simply be a stage after me being gone for 5 months? If he were bad for me or we were just bad together i'd leave, but things work, I've seen it. It's just like every time things are good and stable, he finds a reason to freak out.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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I think my partner has a strong fear of commitment and intimacy. I know he loves me and cares, but it's so hard when he keeps finding reasons to keep his distance. Ultimately I know I'll be fine by myself, but I don't see why something good has to end when there are no particular reasons.

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Has anyone successfully handled this hot and cold behavior during divorce or separation?

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The best thing to do is give him the time and space he needs. It could be that when he's around you, he begins to realize that maybe he's making a huge mistake and then he has to back paddle because he then remembers that he's not suppose to have those warm and fuzzy feelings for you. The hot/cold behavior is very common w/many of them.

Keep the focus on you and make sure you keep a close eye on bank accounts, credit cards, etc.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Yeah, it's something like that. Like he opens up and enjoys it and looks for me, but then withdraws, then I keep acting indifferent so he tests the waters again and then withdraws. It hurts a lot. Does it ever end?

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Agree with job.

Focus on YOU and don't - however tempting it is - dwell or analyse what he's doing. You start convincing yourself of things that you cannot prove and it drives you mad.

Hot and Cold is normal.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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Yeah, this makes sense. It's like he catches himself enjoying things too much so he pulls away, but then comes back to test the waters, then withdraws again. I'm trying to remain consistent, but on the inside, it hurts. Does this ever end?

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Some people have told me I have to give him an ultimatum and say something like "If we are not together, stop acting like a couple" and go sleep in the other room while finding a place to live, but it feels like it would have the opposite effect, I know I wouldn't like to receive an ultimatum like this. He voluntarily comes to bed next to me every night, asks to watch stuff with me or go places together. I'm scared of him coming back and not knowing how to react. I'm focusing on me, doing therapy, reading, watching stuff, hanging out with friends, but he is in the back of my mind. I feel tired of the on and off and not knowing how he'll react, I just wish I could somehow end this rollercoaster.

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Don't use an ultimatum unless you really mean it, it is a lot of pressure.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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