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Dude, you told her you have zero expectations and yet you're telling us that you did have expectations for R'ville...can't have it both ways.

You need to drop the rope ASAP and stop chasing her. Make your own plans as often as you can.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
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Curtis, brother!

What are you doing mate? Wake up!

You've got the creme de la creme of this forum telling you what to do.

You're asleep, and the very best this forum has to offer is banging down your door, but you seem to be rolling over in bed and saying you'll be up soon, or have already gotten up.

Wake the f@#k up brother!

Everyone here cares about each other, and everyone wants you to wake up.

There's a sleeping giant inside you. The vets see it, but right now, you don't.

It's the eleventh hour mate.

You're a good man. Good luck, D


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
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Never is too late C. Trust yourself. First thing you need to do is regain your own respect. You need to shine bright for your children. Be the lighthouse, stand up and shine.

Respect!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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Quote

I hear all of you crystal clear. It seems I am back at square one. If W has ended her A’s with the OM for good, then does that make her a WAW rather than a WW?

I know the same rules apply, but at least I don’t have to endure the pain of being cheated on. I’ve had several starts and stops with DBing in my sitch. I allowed many triggers to set me back. These were mostly due to new revelations surrounding her interactions with the OM.


Curtis, you have never got past square one. A good start at square one would have been to detach and reduce contact. You did neither unless it was instigated by your WAW.. You have allowed her to cake eat from day 1, always on her terms. People have been saying to get rid of the horse for 6 months, yet you allow her to pop round and carry on as normal. She has the best of both worlds.

You tried to justify your actions by saying you were fighting for the M for the sake of the children. Most people get that "mind set" but again, its proven time, time and time again that your "fighting for the M" wont work.

You say on one of your posts that you are anayltical and spent hours and hours going through the posts of peopke hand picking the ones where their actions have made a positive impact on a WAW.. Yiou found a couple of positive examples but in the process you chose to ignore the other 1000s of posts where generally people dont ride off into the sunset on a horse.

You are verging on obsessed with making your M work, but the stats really are not in your favour, but you chose to ignore the fact that only 2% of these sitchs make M 2.0 work after 5 years.. And you are no where near Marrige 2.0..

You have the best Vets on this board advising you on every post, but you chose to ignore their "expect" advice.. They have been here for a long time, have first hand experience and have seen people like us come and go all the time.. Yet you chose to ignore this advice because of feel the fact your WAW is no longer messaging OM3, or because she hugged you because her friends husband died etc.

This may come across as harsh, but in my eyes you are verging on obsessed with your WAW. You dont listen to her, you ignore the advice here and you carry on doing anything and everything you can to persue her.. A lot of people of this board have been there, but i dont many that are still barelly trying to detach after this amount of time... After 9 months of her not wanting you, it kinda comes across as a little obsessive / stalkerish.

Last edited by MrBrside; 10/08/19 08:29 AM.

Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Hey Curtis,

I saw your post on Blu’s thread. How about giving us some updates before you send any letters.

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DO NOT send any missives to your wife at this time! You want her back? The only way that you will have a fighting chance of her even thinking of returning is to let her go. Your expectations need to be lowered to zero. You have to drop the rope, practice detachment and living your life as if she isn't coming back. Many of them, when they see that you are moving on w/your life, will begin to take notice that they may lose you. Right now, you are sending her all of the messages that she needs to know that you are still out there waiting for her.

Leave her be! Give her the time and space she needs to work through her issues. If you don't, you will lost her completely and she will not even consider returning to the relationship. Drop the rope! Keep the focus on you, do things for you and yes, to keep your mind off of what she's doing. She's going to do whatever she needs to do to figure herself out. You didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her. She has to do the hard work in order to do that.

Please, please do not send anything to her. It will not help at this time.

A question for you.....I am curious....Why are you here if you are not going to listen to the people who are posting to you? You want to save your marriage? Then please start listening to the people who are posting to you. The advice that they've been providing is golden.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I haven't sent anything. I am listening to the advice here. However, I am no longer certain that I want to save my MR. I don't want her (who she is now) back. If she was even somewhat like my W from a year or more ago, then maybe. I want to move forward with my life with or without her, i.e. working on R or working towards D. Not living in limbo.

The Retrouvaille hangover didn't last long. We completed two dialogue sessions the first week after RV. Then once more last Saturday. Her effort was half-a$$ed during each meeting. She is not motivated to work on it. Last Sunday, she spent the night with OM3.

She wasn't truthful about breaking it off with OM3. She said it was over and it ended badly. Well, he actually dumped her because she was out of contact for 17 hours during the RV weekend. She called me controlling, but this guy can't go half a day without her checking in or he goes ballistic on her.

After she ran back to OM3, I gathered some intel. Here are excerpts of WW's text exchange with OM3 the day after RV.
OM3: You F'n liar, you never cared about me.
WW: I do. But doesn't matter actually. It matters how you feel. And I guess I don't make you feel loved. I'm sorry for that.
OM3: I regret anything I ever told you that matters to me! My daughters name, why me and my mom don't talk, any and everything! Because you don't give a F! You showed it Saturday and you opened my eyes, thank you.
WW: Wow. That hurts...okay.
OM3: My XW was at least woman enough to tell me she was f'n someone else! Unlike you, making up s***! I've never been s*** to you. I want to die and just be gone from here. You will be the last person to ever hurt me.
WW: Please don't. You will never be nothing to me.
OM3: I'll F XW before I F you again.
WW: Well you never got over her anyway
OM3: G F yourself b****. Don't confuse me for you and Curtis. Again. Still can't admit it. I hope your life goes to hell.
OM3: F you WW! You proved what I was to you Saturday! Deny it all you want, Curtis owns your heart! Curtis wasn't coaching 17 straight hours you MF whore. I'm going to [explicit, explicit, explicit] another b**** and I promise I'm going to send you pictures.
OM3: Disappear from my life you piece of s****!!! I've never ever regretted anyone!!! But I regret you!
WW: Yessir if that is what you want
OM3: Everything I ever told you, I regret it! I regret every picture of my daughter I sent you. I regret you even knowing her name.
OM3: You'll be getting pictures soon. I'm about to line them up. Not just one. You said you'd never hurt me and you did, intentionally! F you, Curtis and his parents, you g'dam slut!
OM3: F you!!!!! F you!!!!! I wish the worst for you! If anyone deserves it, it's you. You deserve s***! That's what you deserve. You deserve to lay in s*** and lose everything. That would make me smile again.
OM3: Look your kids in the face and tell them the only reason they were born was so you could get a f'n horse! Do that. You will hate me and regret me! I told you to never ever cross me.
WW: What purpose would that serve? Hurting children? Doesn't change the fact that I love them.
OM3: Your kids are better off without you. I F'N HATE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. Your excuses are beyond ridiculous and you're just pulling s*** out of your a$$.
WW: I have thought that on more than one occasion...my kids better off without me. Without any help from you.

All of that and she goes back to him on Sunday? Maybe it is true love and they are soulmates. He sounds like a real psychopath to me. Is this just manipulation and guilt that he is trying to lay on her? Does anyone think my W is in real danger or this guy could harm my kids? If so, I don't really care about what happens with my MR. I'll tell her family (dad and sister), maybe they will care enough to take action and save her from this monster, because she certainly hasn't let me save her.

I've been very dim with her for the past week and a half. About one text a day, only about the kids. I have been cordial and distant when we are together for kid exchanges. S8 had a baseball game on Thursday. W was texting the entire time, even when S8 was up to bat. It seems to be back on with the OM hot and heavy. Intel also indicates that she may have been with OM2 the day after the RV weekend. I don't want her around me. She lies to everyone.

If we D, I would want to start with the non-contested route. This is why I don't just go ahead and file. There needs to be an agreement on custody and fiances, then we file jointly. I've been rehearsing my script that was posted here a few months ago:
"This isn't working for me anymore. I respect and accept your decision to not make our MR a priority. I would have preferred to work things out, but I realize that is not what you want. I respect myself too much to continue waiting for someone that doesn't want to be with me. I have decided to move forward with my life. I hope we can agree on custody and finances and make this process as simple as possible. [I hand her the asset list so she can decide what she wants to keep]. I have to go, see you later."

Then, I follow-up with a short email containing an electronic copy of the asset list:
"I don’t want to live in limbo, it’s not fair to confuse the kids, and if you are planning on filing for divorce, then let’s get going so I can move on with my life. Know that this is not what I want, but if this is the only way you can be happy, I won’t stand in your way."

I'm strongly debating why I don't take this action right now. She is just not a good person the way she is now. Who knows if she will be a person that I would want to be with in the future. Would it be wrong to D her while she is in this dark place on her journey? I just don't have the energy, I feel like giving up, her choices are sucking the life out of me. I'm sick and tired of being disrespected and taken advantage of. Part of me wants to wait until the anniversary of BD, that I stood strong for 1 year. Gave her ample time to come out of the fog. Another part of me says what for, why wait and prolong the inevitable.

That's my update. Taking the kids to an Adult/Kids Halloween Party tonight. I'm going to enjoy myself with friends and meet some new people.


Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16
PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18
PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19
R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20
W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
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This isn’t working for me anymore . I respect myself enough to let you go and move forward with my life . ( I wouldn’t give her anything else she knows why and how you feel )

Please have the horse relocated by this date ____. If the horse is not relocated by this date ____I will relocate it to here ____ and have the bill sent to your address . Thanks ( stick to this if she doesn’t take the horse move it )

Even her AP brought up the horse . She knows you ll always be there and she’s using that . Let AP apply the pressure . He sounds like a real gem . Controlling , foul mouthed and issues with his mom . Let it have its own death . Tell her to move the horse no discussion about it . If she’s answers in anger . You no longer reside here please have the horse out by this date .

Keep being dim . Short and to the point . Kids only . When you do exchanges hello and goodbye .Smile and move along .

As far as asking for a D or starting it from your post it still seems as if you put the ball in her court . I wouldn’t mention a D. Detach . Have the horse removed . GAL and stay very dim .

Just my opinion from a newbie

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I am going to offer you some advice and it is up to you as to whether you want to listen or not. This latest stuff is way too fresh in your mind. Give yourself a few days and allow that pain/hurt to wash over you and then release it. If, after a couple of days, you still feel the way that you do, then you will need to make some tough decisions. Sit down, make a list of pros and cons and then go from there.

Try to remember that actions speak louder than words. I've taken the liberty to change the emails you plan to send. If you do send one...do just one and leave it at that and then give her the time and space to respond back.

"I have come to the realization that you do not want to work on the marriage. This situation isn’t working for me anymore. I respect myself enough to let you go and move forward with my life."

I would keep the asset list on hand, but not give it to her unless she's ready to move forward with a divorce. Keep your cards close to the vest for now. You want to keep things simple, but straight forward at this time.

Enjoy the party this evening.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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C,

First of sorry you had to read a text exchange with your W and the biggest dueche bag that ever walked the face of the earth.

I am going to make one final plea with you to try DB. No letters, no scripts, no asset list and start simple. Make it clear with her by ACTIONS that you're done with the BS. Ask her to remove the horse from your house and absolutely no contact that doesn't involve the kids. BTW once a day is too much in my book. You also have to stop snooping.

The problem you are having right now is you are trying to force everything. You tried forcing her to stop her affairs, forced her to go to Retrouvaille and now you want to force her to make a choice. It's nor surprising at all that you failed at all these attempts. She's not ready to comeback. She's even told you that but you don't listen very well.

If you're done I totally get it. No pleas, letters, grand jestures, deals, ultimatiums. Just do it.

I can promise you if you ask her to come home and work on the M you will get kicked in the b@lls so hard you'll never get up.

Just remember that you can always pull the D papers back.

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