Working on it

[Ginger1]

I kept telling him he needs a sleep study and I told him the apnea puts a strain on his heart. He did get a little worried. But did nothing about it. He used to tell me he was going to slip me a Tylenol PM so I sleep instead of studying him. The guys I have ever slept next too have always snores.

I’m feeling a little better today. I do look forward to sleeping in the arms of someone who actually wanted to keep me safe and protect my heart. It’s all so crazy the way it happened. One second it’s I love you and he’s there, the next second he’s gone.

For now I’m getting my house and health in order

[AndrewP]

As a funny - because I always joke about things - B I think liked the continuous fresh breeze from my mask during her frequent hot flashes Perhaps a benefit for a partner when they hit menopause?

My ex works retail which is probably one of the most germ filled jobs going outside of pre-schoolers. Filthy money is more than just a phrase. There were a bunch of times that I was glad that the air I was breathing was coming from the opposite side of the room rather than the woman coughing in my face.

I honestly don't get it. Perhaps it's a machismo thing. When I say that it saved my life I'm not joking though. And you never really know how tired you are until you get a decent night's sleep. A colleague of mine used to fall asleep during meetings, his wife moved in to their son's room and slept on the other bunk. He got a machine about 5 or 6 years ago and the change is astounding.

[DejaVu6]

I have a friend who was so sleep deprived, she got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder as the lack of sleep was literally making her crazy. She spent some time in therapy for the BPD but realized pretty quickly that her problems were not the same as the other people in the group. She went back to her doctor and was eventually diagnosed with sleep apnea. She got a machine and what do you know...the “crazy” disappeared. We really do underestimate the importance of getting a good night’s sleep and how chronic sleep deprivation can really mess us up emotionally as well as physically.

G - Thanks for posting all of your musings. I am reading along and much of what you write resonates with me. I had the picture-perfect parents however so I do not know where my need to look after people comes from. I have much to reflect on and you are helping me do that. I think you are handling things really well btw. Of course you are grieving the good things that M brought to your life. I was basically sleeping alone the last four years of my marriage and now I have someone who always wants to be snuggled up to me when we are sleeping. It feels amazing and of course you miss it. If anything happens between me and my bf, I know I will miss it like crazy.

There is someone better out there for you...I know it. You will find each other when the timing is right. Until then, keep moving forward and being the best you that you can be. (((HUGS)))

[DonH]

Okay, two words here - ear plugs!!! Of course if a true sleep disorder, not the solution but for a BF or GF (or band members - just sayin) they are sleep savers. And yes, more than once I've used them when someone I'm dating starts snoring.

It did mean that impromptu sexy-time at alternate locations didn't happen - but then I'm a middle-aged guy who also needs to make sure he takes his blood pressure pills and even though it is portable, hauling around that machine takes some planning.

What am I missing here? Why would sleep apnea prevent having sex at the spur of the moment or in different or alternate locations? Heck some of the places I've used would not even have a place to plug the thing in! It's an airway machine - not a sex toy - at least I'm pretty sure, or maybe I'm missing something there too. But seriously, what am I failing to understand? Or are we talking little blue pill rather than CPAP? Someone un-confuse me please.

[Ginger1]

Thanks dejavu. I’m glad my crazy musings could help others. Sometimes we are just helpers with a good heart. I am part helper part childhood issues. The nature of my profession is also helping those who can’t help themselves. I always have felt like a part of reason we are on this earth is to bring light into someone else’s life. I played therapist to about 5 different patients today and that kept me at work an hour later, but I did some good. But I can’t be taking on others problems. I did that a little with M. My heart just broke so bad for everything he went through. And I just wanted to love him up. I believe I added a lot to his life, even if he felt something was lacking. I was reevaluating trying to figure out what he brought to my life. He did bring new experiences like my first time fishing, kayaking, and snowboarding. But he didn’t bring anything emotionally to the table except his words and I thought he had tons of love for me. But what did he do? I wanted someone to want to be with me, to chose to spend time with me. To enjoy the exciting stuff and the mundane stuff and not be so wrapped up in themselves all the time.

I am so different this time around in my breakup. I can concentrate at work, I have some tears but they are fleeting. I am enjoying life around me and I’m laughing instead of being horribly depressed. I think of him, of course, am sad for what was lost and what could have been. Sure, I wish like heck he would reach out and say he’s sorry. I hate that he doesn’t miss me and I wonder if he’s thinking about me or he simply just disconnected like we didn’t spend a year of our lives and integrating our families. But it doesn’t sit on my shoulders. It comes and goes where that stuff would weight so heavy on me after a break up. Maybe I’ve just built up an tolerance to guys breaking up with me since that’s usually how it goes. I don’t know.

I am exceptionally exhausted today . I worked my butt off around the house last night. Worked my butt off at work today. Tomorrow I am off and taking D11 to a trampoline park with her friend. I wanted to take tonight to do more work around the house but I am zapped. I think I might just give myself a break

[Ginger1]

Is like to share a little story told by my patient today.

He’s a frequent flier. He has bad COPD and heart failure. He’s only 71. He’s pretty depressed and everyone says he such a flat affect. He lost his wife.

I walk into his room and introduce myself and what I do. He tells me his story. His wife died and loved her dearly. He met her when he was 16. He was dating her sister and her sister asked him to bring her to a dance because she had no date. He did and fell madly in love with her. The years went on and they lost a child. And as a part of his grief his wife shopped and shopped. He told me he built closets for her to put her clothes and stuff in. After that she said she wanted to travel. So they travelled. Blew through a lot of money. They sought marriage counseling and they were told to date again. So they dated and he said it was fantastic. He was pretty cloudy on how she died, but I’m pretty sure it was of a broken heart from what he described.

I asked him his emergency contact is. It’s his sister in law, the sister he was dating when he met his wife. She loves him like family and will do anything for him including making sure he has help at home when he finally gets there.

It was a sad yet sweet story. Not what you would expect. He just loves his wife so much and is having a hard time getting over it. He sees a “shrink” and he says that’s been helping.

We have this awful rule in our hospital where of you have 3 hospital admissions in 90 days you need to have the conversation with the doctor about a palliative care consult. I was the one who had to do it. The doctor asked me if I think he needs one. The answer was “no, I’m forced to ask” he agreed. I think someone coming in there talking about end of life would give him all loss of will to live. And he was finally getting it back.

You never know what someone else is going through

[kml]

I did that a little with M. My heart just broke so bad for everything he went through. And I just wanted to love him up

I find myself wondering, in retrospect, whether his ex was really all that bad, or if some of it was him? He sure played the victim but in light of his recent behavior you have to wonder.

As for your man with heart failure - one thing I learned when my friend was in heart failure (he ended up with a heart transplant). They get treated with all these diuretics, which cause you to pee out all your thiamine. And thiamine deficiency leads to - HEART FAILURE!!!!

[Ginger1]

His ex is surely certifiable now post divorce I’ve seen the proof However, dont think he was the best husband? No. I have this feeling he was pretty self involved then too. But who knows. He’s definitely avoiding something , that guy. Some sort of emotional pain.

We diurese patients on my floor pretty consistently. Unless you are an alcoholic ( we get a lot of those too) you don get a thiamine supplement. Perhaps they all should and they would stop coming back!

[kml]

Yeah, it seems like such a simple thing but no one thinks of it. Certainly a benign enough thing to do. "Wet beri-beri" is heart failure from thiamine deficiency.

[Ginger1]

I had off of work today. That doesn’t mean sleeping on though. This freakin dog! I made D11 get up with him at 6am..... problem is the dog afreaks our and cries for me. He is completely attached to me. Doesn’t like me out of his sight unless he’s doing something naughty. Follows me all over. Refuses to let me sleep. I literally need to put him in the doggie resort if I want a night of sleep In my home. I have a clingy needy toddler it turns out.

I helped D with her reading project. Then we went to the craft store because I am in charge of cupcakes for the bridal shower and they need a particular color theme.... then the shoe store was having a sale next door and 2 shows for child 0 for mommy. She was happy. Then we picked up her friend and I took them to a trampoline park and then out to lunch. Happy kids, happy mom.

I float through my days quite normally. My feel more at peace and better mentally during the day because I am not having expectaions I’d a boyfriend who I know is going to let me down. But when I lay down to bed at night it all hits me. I was angry last night. For the lies. For making me believe he was in it for the long haul which is why I tolerated so much. For taking advantage of me and not thinking about our kids and what he led them to believe too. Or for lying to me about why we broke up. It ended in a few simple texts and a year vanished. I still sit with minimal closure and some shock and sadness. I am missing his son. His mom. The acceptance in his family. I was hoping his mom could include me in the pieorgie making for thanksgiving

He’s gone. Completely gone like we never existed. Still struggle with that late at night lying alone in my bed when my thoughts roll in.

I’m dealing though. My days are good and I am seeking enjoyment from the enjoyable. I’m sticking to my diet. This weekend will be a challenge with the bridal shower which is sure to have my favorite Filipino foods. Then hopefully I can stay good at the dinner / karaoke Sunday night. No plans for Labor Day, but that’s fine. A day at home will do me just fine.