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Ginger1 #2862914 08/26/19 09:20 PM
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Perhaps then the alternate answer is to not want it so bad?


As the Buddhists say, all suffering comes from desire.

And it's certainly true that the less interested I am in a guy, or the busier I am and the less time I have for him, the more interested he seems to be in pursuing me.

There has to be a happy medium, but I think G is similar to my younger self in some ways, and I KNOW my younger self would have gotten farther in relationships if I had been more demanding and less accommodating.

Ginger1 #2862922 08/26/19 10:16 PM
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One thing I am good at is giving my self a good kick on the butt when needed. I am good at hindsight, and felt this during, but I give a lot of chances. He didn’t have to work for me in the beginning but he was very attentive, helpful and loving. I liked he included me in his life, with his family and friends. It’s the past few months he began to change on me. Needing his alone time, telling me he can’t be tired when he has his child etc. I never handed over my emotional needs until more recently to which he rejected. I did speak up when I needed something from him, he tried, but he couldn’t. I think the first real glimpse was the boob thing, back in April. That’s when it became about him, and not about me. He did have that one night when I came ohome from the plastic surgeon torn. He told me he would love me no matter what, support me no matter what but he did feel the best decision for the both of us was for me to explant. And then he distanced the night before , the morning of, but did come that night and took good care of me.

The kid thing p!sses me off though. He initiated the idea of meeting at his kids birthday. The trip together that he distanced himself after? That was all his idea. His invited with the children were all initiated by him. We were planning our trip together NEXT year. So when he came back at me and said he did all that because he felt bad and I pushed, was. It the truth at all. The only thing I pushed was to stop lying to his son about us. Because then my daughter had to lie too. I said something after we all went to my cousins for her sons birthday and I had to make sure my D didn’t tell anyone that he was my boyfriend. And that felt bad. Then he did his big to do that week and told him. That was JUNE, and we did kid introductions in February. Even though he played along after that, maybe it just got too real. He saw how much all of clicked.......

Anyways, I guess guys should be working harder.

My abandonment issues I’m sure lead to the way I treat guys. And everyone in my life. But it’s also a part of the core of who I am. I’d do anything for my friends and family, and I know they aren’t going anywhere. I know how it feels when you have nothing and no one to rely on...... it’s awful.

What I did yesterday by calling that doctor, I was going above and beyond. But I did in the best interest of the patient. I could have made them hash it out. But I didn’t. Instead I got insulted. But guess what? It gone done!

I guess I could want it less too. I don’t see myself starting a new relationship because my busy season with life is coming and I don’t have the energy.

I was beginning to know he wasn’t it, because there was a point I would have said yes if he asked me to marry him. Then I saw myself saying no.

I’m tired of working on myself. I’ll never be perfect. I don’t want to be perfect. But I can learn lessons as I go along.

Last edited by job; 08/27/19 01:28 PM. Reason: edited a word
Ginger1 #2862927 08/26/19 11:03 PM
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We all do

Ginger1 #2862933 08/26/19 11:59 PM
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Agree G.....no one is perfect. I think you just need to be aware of your weakness and be confident in the decisions you make. You have a lot going for you so you shouldn’t settle.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
TBSakaJ9 #2862934 08/27/19 12:01 AM
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Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
I read an article a few weeks ago that essentially said that people who come from a home where there was emotional neglect, drama, one parent missing, etc. tend to enter into bad Relationships with people that fit the same emotional patterns of availability that they were chasing as a kid. The author went on to say that people who come from these types of environments are better suited finding partners that they perceive as boring or question their levels of attraction for. Just food for though but I can see some merit in what he had to say.


Well, that's certainly true for me ... even though my exh was the opposite of that when we got together and for much of our marriage, by the end he absolutely fit the same emotional pattern of exbf and my family of origin.

Interestingly, I do not find my friend boring, but I have consistently questioned my level of attraction for him. hmmm.

Also Don, during our state-mandated parenting class for divorcing parents, we were told 60% of second marriages end in divorce and that the vast majority are people who re-married within 5 years of their 1st marriage breaking up, so clearly they just brought the same problems to the new relationship. Makes you see how important it is to really focus on ourselves.

G, I know you're tired doll. Take a break from all this. It's the end of summer. Do something awesome this weekend. Re-group, honey. Self care. Spend time with your gfs and your adorable daughter. You can re-visit it later.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Ginger1 #2862939 08/27/19 12:17 AM
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Watching a very interesting Ted Talk on Narcissism and Its Discontents that my friend sent me. I highly recommend.

Ginger1 #2862943 08/27/19 01:15 AM
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Funny enough, my ex remarried within 2 years to his affair partner and they are going on year 7. They will most likely beat the odds.

I am very emotionally tired and I do need a break. This weekend my friend is in town and we are having her bridal shower Saturday and Sunday we are doing a mini bachelor/bachelorette party at a place where you rent a room for private karaoke. I’m going to try to look nice and feel good. My friend met a guy online and in a year he popped the question. I met a guy online and on a year he dumped me, lol.

Tonight I’m missing how safe I felt when laying in his arm. His smell, his sleep apnea( hahaha) and the way he oils randomly kiss my shoulder in the middle of the night.

These are the things that are hard to let go of. And I wonder if he misses them too.

I’ll will check out that podcast. Maybe it will help me understand how to avoid such types that seem like a magnet to me.

Ginger1 #2862944 08/27/19 01:15 AM
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I really hate autocorrect. You would never believe this but I spell like a champ and I am quite grammatically correct.

Ginger1 #2862999 08/27/19 01:27 PM
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I don’t know ginger... I would definitely add snoring and sleep apnea to the list. With ex bf - his snoring bothered me so much I would leave in the middle of the night and go home to sleep.

You will feel much better sleeping in someone’s arms that cares about and deserves you.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Ginger1 #2863003 08/27/19 01:41 PM
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I have sleep apnea and rather badly. My ex-wife used to joke that she was deaf in her right ear because of it.

I got a CPAP machine probably close to 10 years ago. It literally is a life-saver. Anyone who has apnea and leaves it untreated is being very foolish in my mind. It does put a bit of a damper on sexy time, but that mask can come of "very" fast. When B would skootch over in the middle of the night I would often take the mask off for a short while - she'd prod me to put it back on.

It did mean that impromptu sexy-time at alternate locations didn't happen - but then I'm a middle-aged guy who also needs to make sure he takes his blood pressure pills and even though it is portable, hauling around that machine takes some planning.

Sorry for the high-jack.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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