He accused me of being controlling, impossible to please, anxious, angry, uptight, boring, and a lot of other overwhelmingly negative things.
His self-identity has always been overwhelmingly positive - upbeat, fun-loving, easygoing. A guy who lives in the moment and doesn't dwell on problems.
Several times throughout our relationship I apologised in tears for being too complicated, too difficult, too needy. I'm now realising how messed up it was for him to (subconsciously or otherwise) make me feel like I needed to apologise at all. He always made me feel like my emotional needs were unreasonable, when really he was simply incapable or uninterested in meeting them. He tried to appease me because it was expected, or he tried to the best of his ability, but past a certain point I became a burden, an annoyance, a source of frustration.
At BD, it suddenly became all about his needs. He had sacrificed for so long, it was his time to get what he wanted. He was tired of putting himself last. His happiness was the only thing he cared about.
Quite often I regretfully said that I seemed to need a lot from him, but he needed nothing from me. He would brush it off and say he didn't need anything. He never raised issues or concerns about our relationship, so I had to be the one to address our mutual problems. In his mind, that was me disturbing the peace and never being satisfied with the status quo. Why couldn't I just be chill and let things slide? Answer: because someone had to manage the emotional labour of running the household and keeping the kid alive and happy.
Additionally, I've realised that he himself embodies many of the traits he seems to despise in me. He was extremely judgemental about choices other people made in their lives. He would brag about how we had done everything right and how much we had achieved. He would swear and scream and throw things when he lost his temper. He would blame other people for causing problems without acknowledging his part. He procrastinated and avoided dealing with difficult tasks. He never made an effort to connect with anyone on a deeper emotional level.
I wasn't a perfect wife and we didn't have a perfect marriage. But I'm starting to think that maybe it wasn't 100% my fault, and that it was never a true marriage in the purest sense of the word.
As time goes on you will notice more of his weaknesses . It was not 100 percent your fault . It’s like knowing a train is going to crash but not knowing when . Maybe tomorrow... maybe a year from now . He’s blaming you for everything but don’t let it in . Acknowledge your faults . Address them . Work on them for you and you alone .
“His happiness is the only thing he cared about “ - I heard this months ago word for word . Let him worry about his happiness and you worry about making yourself the best you can be . He seems good at baiting you . The keys for example . It’s hard but learn not to respond to it . The back and forth . My H one day raised his voice on phone . I said if you raise it again I’ll hang up . Guess what I hung up . Yea I got some nasty texts . Gave same response you raise your voice I hang up . I said it’s not a discussion and ended it right there . Hours later he apologized hasn’t happened since .
Kind of an eye opener when you gain some emotional distance, huh? Good for you for your clarity. The failure of a marriage is not usually ALL one person's fault. Just make sure to remember this in the future.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Of course it wasn't 100% your fault!! Even though it is sad that he's wrecking all aspects of his life, it also shows that there is something incredibly destabilizing and destructive going on inside of him. Of course you may have areas that you want to work on for yourself that he may or may not hit on in his rants, but knowing that you can't fix his issues and that most of the garbage that he's spewing is just a reflection of his own insecurities and self-loathing-- and that his destructive behavior isn't confined to his MR-- might help you to detach from caring too much about what he's saying and doing.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Over the weekend a mutual friend informed me that H is attending a work conference Tuesday-Thursday this week, an hour away, staying overnight. I was like... he's meant to pick up S1.5 from daycare on Tuesdays? He hasn't told me anything? He would have known about this conference for months? Still hadn't heard from him until 9am Tuesday morning saying he can't pick him up that afternoon! I was, and still am, incredibly annoyed. What if I was busy? Where's the consideration? No mention about making up for that time with S1.5 either. The icing on the cake was him chasing me for his settlement money in the same message, ie. I'm abandoning my parental responsibilities again, but where's my $? As though I can just magically create a large amount of money from thin air.
I shouldn’t be surprised by his selfish and inconsiderate actions, but I still am, every time.
H showed up with a hickey on his neck for the second weekend in a row. He is taking S1.5 to see his parents today, yuck! They would have to notice it. We had the following exchange and I said a lot of things that I’ve been bottling up..
M: Another hickey, I see. H: (Sheepish but kinda proud) Yep. M: Why didn’t you admit it last weekend? H: I don’t know. M: It’s nice to know the real reason you ended our marriage. H: That’s not the reason. It’s only been a few weeks. M: How did you meet? H: Through friends. M: Are you dating or just hooking up? H: I don’t know, it’s only been a couple of weeks. M: (to S1.5) Dada’s a cheater! H: (Angry) That’s not fair. M: You’re right, that was a low blow. You don’t consider it cheating because we’re separated, right? H: Yeah. What about the guy you’ve been seeing? M: Having lunch with someone is a bit different than sticking your dick in someone while legally married. H: You think you’re a better person than me. M: Yes, I do. You would have to know how much it would hurt me to see that on your neck. It’s like rubbing it in my face that’s I’ve been replaced. Why wasn’t I good enough for you? H: I’m not talking about this right now. M: OK. H: You think this is easy for me. Look at what I’m giving up, what you have to give up. Don’t assume this is easy. M: Why is it easier than trying to improve what we had? H: I don’t want to talk about that right now. This is why I had to leave. You’re controlling and criticising me. I just want the freedom to make my own decisions. M: I’m just trying to understand. H: We get along so well in messages but it’s a different story in person. Sometimes you won’t even look at me or talk to me. M: I do struggle with my emotions sometimes. I feel like I can’t be anything other than OK around you because you judge me or throw it back in my face. H: I feel the same, like I have to second guess everything I say because it gets picked apart. M: I agree. There are still a lot of emotions involved. I still love you and it is hard. H: I know. M: Do you ever think about coming home? H: Yes, I’ve thought about it. M: What would it take to make that happen? H: I can’t answer that. M: OK. The door is not shut yet. But I can’t be friends with you while I’m hurting. I will be a civil and calm coparent, but unless we are working towards reconciling, it’s too hard for me to share that part of myself with you. H: (Annoyed) See, that sounds like an ultimatum. It’s all or nothing with you. M: I can see how it feels like that. But it’s just what I need to do to protect myself. H: OK.
Eventually we shared a long hug and he said thank you. He put S1.5 in the car and I said goodbye.
M: I know when you moved out I said that cheating was a dealbreaker. I realise that you don’t consider what you’ve done to be cheating, and maybe you’re right. It might be good for both of us to see what else is out there to compare and get clarity on what we’re leaving behind. H: But you just called me a cheater back there...? M: I know. I was emotional. It’s easy to be black and white in theory, but the reality is more complicated when there is a child involved. H: Yeah.
I’m sure from a DB perspective I said too much, but I feel a lot lighter. Even though I now know he’s seeing someone else. That fact doesn’t bother me as much, it was the lying and lack of respect for my intelligence that was really getting to me.
Yeah really bad exchange. You broke about every rule in the book. I’m wondering what you we’re try to accomplish in the exchange? I know you say you feel lighter and it was about the lying and the lack of respect but you knew he was lying and you actually lost respect in the exchange.
The exchange you had is backwards. Until he asks YOU what has to happen for me to comeback you are going to be in limbo. You set a boundary that cheating is a dealbreaker and he broke it and there are no consequences.
I have to ask you what is his incentive to end the A and repair the marriage?
I understand that this is really hard be you have to try to minimize these mistakes because they can set you back big time.
I know it was counter-productive. Him flaunting the hickey really set me off. I wasn’t trying to accomplish anything, if I think about it rationally now, it was 100% emotional word vomit and pain shopping. This week has been a huge downward spiral and I’ve been feeling as low as I did immediately post-BD. So I guess I was spoiling for some fresh pain.
Incentive to end the affair... nothing except the appeal of having an intact family and maintaining his reputation as a family man. Nothing to do with winning me back, that’s for sure. It’s clear I’m not valuable or desirable in his eyes.
I’ve said my piece and can’t take it back. I have read the rules and done pretty well at following them so far. Back on the DB horse now and I will stick to the civil coparenting boundary I stated. When he drops S1.5 off this afternoon, I will smile and be courteous and pretend like this conversation never happened.
Scout, you need to remove all pressure. That means no personal attacks, no temperature checks, minimize conversation and contact. That exchange was just loaded with exactly the kind of triggers you should be avoiding. Next time just ask him if he is aware of the nasty bruise on his neck and suggest he seek medical attention, LOL! No I'm just kidding, don't say anything at all. Don't ask why he ended the M, don't make fun of him to S, don't ask for his definition of an affair, don't describe him having sex, etc. etc. etc. Basically don't say any of the things you just said. You are just justifying to him why he left. Whenever you say those things he thinks "this is why it's over and will never work, she's never going to change." Do 180's on that, show him changes.
