I'm spiralling a bit; can someone wiser and more experienced reel me in?
So this morning I asked ex for his keys back. He seemed taken aback and said he didn't feel comfortable not having access to his stuff. I said let's get your stuff out then, or you can pay me a storage fee since you chose to stop paying the mortgage. He doesn't yet have a place to rent and is still crashing with a friend. I said why are you concerned about your stuff, do you think I'll do something to it? He said no, he just wanted access to it. I said you have complete access, just arrange it with me anytime. So he handed the keys over.
I also asked him to shower and eat prior to arriving and he said he was doing that already. Untrue because he always leaves a dirty towel in the bathroom and dirty dishes in the sink, but whatever.
I feel like I handled this badly and allowed my emotions to dictate my actions. I was upset about him refusing to pay the mortgage despite our earlier agreement. He also arranged to remove his income from our joint account, but failed to cancel a $1000 bill for his car repayment, leaving me short of funds. I've mentioned before that money is my biggest anxiety trigger. I acted out of fear and forgot all about doing a 180 in that regard. I fear I came across as controlling and petty.
I'm feeling really low after that conversation with his parents the other day and the conversation about splitting finances. I hate this situation and just want the legal separation over with so I don't have to deal with these upsetting hiccups. I'm really struggling to find a suitable approach between following DB techniques and being firm with my requests and boundaries. This is, after all, a business transaction now. How do you find that balance?
DB techniques include setting boundaries but you better be willing to enforce them.
Everyone has a hiccup now and then during the process so if the vets say you could have handled it better, than you do that the next time and learn from it. Don't get caught up in how you are affecting his emotions. He's responsible for those.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
DB techniques include setting boundaries but you better be willing to enforce them.
Everyone has a hiccup now and then during the process so if the vets say you could have handled it better, than you do that the next time and learn from it. Don't get caught up in how you are affecting his emotions. He's responsible for those.
Thanks for the reminder, Jac.
I needn’t have worried about his feelings. When I got home from work he had cleaned the house, done the dishes and laundry, made my bed, and tidied S’s room before taking S to daycare. I sent a message to say thanks and he replied “no worries, even got S to help wash the car! Went through three pairs of clothes with all the bubbles!”
I fell off the DB wagon tonight. Give me some 2x4s?
It was H's afternoon with S. We had arranged via email to sign some forms related to the financial separation. He messaged to say they'd be a bit late as they were at a store to which I replied "Fun! Thanks for letting me know. If I don't see you in 10 minutes I'll assume you've kidnapped my child ;)" Chill, calm, relaxed - my own personal 180. I'm great at DBing in text-based communication, but can't seem to maintain my composure in person.
H wanted to flip through pages and pages of documents when they got home and I politely reminded him that this was cutting into my time with S and he could just return the forms on Thursday. He then said he'd agreed to take his friend to the airport during his time with S, but that maybe S (1.5 year old) wouldn't appreciate being stuck in the car for an hour during peak hour traffic at breakfast time. Uh, ya think? I said yeah, that doesn't exactly make me think that spending quality time with S is your top priority. Harsh, but that observation is a result of multiple such instances over the past four months, and I've kept my mouth shut about it up until now. He insisted that it was his priority, but he can't have the time he wants because I have 100% custody. I replied that nothing about this situation is fair, least of all on me and S, and he should remember that he wanted this whenever he feels like a victim.
From there, the conversation derailed into R talk. He said that every time we talk about the separation I "shove it in his face" that he chose this, and it makes him feel like he has no right to feel sad. The gist was he thinks I don't have sympathy for his feelings, but he's going through the same ups and downs that I am. Instead of validating, I said no, we aren't going through the same thing, because you walked out on me and S without warning or explanation. I pointed out his statement that he had been unhappy for years and asked if he had been lying that whole time? He said he wasn't going to talk about that because it puts him in a bad headspace. So I said I won't be made to feel guilty for his bad feelings and asked him to leave.
I am taking a lot of steps now to protect myself and stay happy:
- Removed myself from his family group chat - Applied for child support and other family assistance - Applied to refinance the mortgage and remove him as co-borrower - Ordered furniture and appliances to replace the things he'll be taking to his new place
Prior to Tuesday's fallout, we had been getting along relatively well. Compared to the first few months when he would routinely ignore me, I felt it was positive that he was acknowledging things that were happening in my life. Just small things like asking how I was going with sorting out my bills, saying he hoped I had a good weekend, and double-checking that I had solved a problem I asked for help with. But a big step for our relationship as friends and co-parents.
I can see, though, that the conversation on Tuesday probably served him with a truckload of guilt and shame for walking out on us, and I vacillate between feeling justified and regretting it. I feel like I've reminded him that I'm not a safe space and caused him to panic and retreat. I typed up a little message to try and salvage the situation by acknowledging and validating, but can someone give me some advice on whether I should send it?
"Hey, so that conversation got a bit out of hand the other night. It wasn't something I wanted to talk about at all. This situation must be hard for you. [Something light about S and a funny photo of S]."
I did see him this morning before work when he came to see S. We didn't speak except for a question about S's breakfast.
Just journalling. I didn't end up sending that apology/validation message and have been feeling quite low this week. I had pretty much decided that low/no contact was the best thing for me going forward. But then...
He spent the day with S and dropped him off the afternoon. He said he'd been approved for a rental and wanted to coordinate with me to move his stuff out next week. I said of course. I asked if he was living with anyone and he said not at this stage. I said I'd need to know the address, visit the house, and meet any roommates before I'd be comfortable with S going there. He said that was fine. We then had a minor quibble over a piece of furniture and I could feel myself losing control of my emotions, throwing caution to the wind, and getting snarky and sarcastic.
Warning: R talk ahead!
I asked him what he was telling people about the separation because naturally we each develop our own story about what happened. He scoffed and said does your story include the word 'abandoned'? I said I've only ever told the facts; what's your story, that your bitch wife drove you away? He said I've never called you a bitch and walked out.
I followed him out to the car because S wanted to wave goodbye. I said I've never talked badly about you, I just tell the truth and let other people draw conclusions. He said he's never spoken ill of me either. He tells people it was his decision to leave and that the details are personal. S wanted to sit in the car so we got in. He started playing with the steering wheel and dashboard while H and I talked about S. Then we talked about our own lives. We talked about shopping for furniture and where to get the best deals. He told me about winning a gokart race. I told him I went to yoga and out on a date. He said "oh!"
I reminded him he hadn't signed the mortgage refinance form and we all came back inside. I got S's dinner ready and he ate while we went over the valuation and settlement figures. I asked him if he liked the new shelf I built and he said he did and the property valuer was impressed too. We went over an email I had drafted last week; I had started off with "Happy Friday" as the greeting and he laughed and said just send it this Friday instead so it still applies.
In that email I had written a short PS about the blow up we'd had last week about the separation, saying it wasn't something I wanted to talk about at all and I was genuinely happy he was getting what he wanted. He said thank you for saying that. I explained that he made me feel guilty for something that was a consequence of his decision and that triggered an emotional reaction. He said he understood.
I then raised the subject of Christmas and S's birthday because I feel strongly about it. I said that I consider S and I 'the family' now and just because H has removed himself, family events shouldn't have to change. He said that's okay and he would be happy for me to have first pick and he would settle for what he felt was fair. He suggested coming over for presents and breakfast Christmas morning and I replied that it would feel like playing happy families and if he wanted that, we shouldn't be separating. Nevertheless, I said I'd think about it.
So far, not too bad? Then DB fail below...
I tried to wrap things up by saying he was welcome to stay and have dinner with S and he said thanks but he had to get home and meal prep. I then contradicted my happy families statement (whoops) by suggesting that maybe Sunday nights in future we could have a family movie night when he brings him home. He said that sounded like a good idea. I said that we had always got along well and it would be good for S to see us happy together. He smiled and agreed. We all had a group hug and he said thanks for the chat and then left.
I fell off the DB wagon tonight. Give me some 2x4s?
I replied that nothing about this situation is fair, least of all on me and S, and he should remember that he wanted this whenever he feels like a victim.
From there, the conversation derailed into R talk. He said that every time we talk about the separation I "shove it in his face" that he chose this, and it makes him feel like he has no right to feel sad. The gist was he thinks I don't have sympathy for his feelings, but he's going through the same ups and downs that I am. Instead of validating, I said no, we aren't going through the same thing, because you walked out on me and S without warning or explanation. I pointed out his statement that he had been unhappy for years and asked if he had been lying that whole time? He said he wasn't going to talk about that because it puts him in a bad headspace. So I said I won't be made to feel guilty for his bad feelings and asked him to leave.
Bad, bad, bad, right?
I think quite the contrary. I think it was good good good. As long as you were calm and rational and not shrieking when you said it. And the difference between your point of view and his is important. He is trying to transfer the guilt. Don't let him. Whenever my STBXW brings things like this up, I still stay that the divorce was your idea. Actually, last time, I didn't say anything, but just looked at her, and she said "I know, I know, this divorce was my idea, and you're sure I can handle this."
Your latest journaling message is a good one. Even if things don't work out, you seem to be coparenting well, and remembering to consider your son in all this. You seem to be doing very well with all of this, with the exception of the very end, and suggesting family movie night. I could see it go either way, but personally I think having a standing "date" with your ex is a bad idea. Muddles the separation, and "are we" or "aren't we" getting back together. I think it would be confusing for your son, too.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Financial settlement is progressing smoothly. I just need the bank to assess my credit and approve the mortgage refinance so I can buy H out of the family home. The settlement amount will be discussed and agreed upon this week and I can’t see there being any issues. But you never know.
This morning we had the following message exchange:
H: Motorbike was just stolen from work...
M: Bugger. Hope you can get it back.
H: Yeah, had the police here all morning. Just another thing to add to the list...
M: That really [censored]. Here’s a pic of S1.5 giggling.
I wonder what that was about - fishing for sympathy? He’s made several comments about how tough his financial situation will be when paying rent, child support, car loan and shelling out for new furniture. And now a new motorbike I suppose! Not my problem, but I am sympathetic.
Thanks for reading and replying Jim! I really appreciate the reassurance.
It is hard to know what is best when it comes to our son - he’s only 1.5 years old. I do not want to allow H to eat cake though. He still seems to think he can come and go as he pleases, turn up late for pickup and drop off, and then turn around and accuse me of being uptight when I ask him to stick to the plan we have in writing. I have reminded him several times (pleasantly) that this is now a business arrangement and to act accordingly.
