Separated

[scout12]

A question for vets... I am in a group chat with H's family where we share photos of S and his cousin. I go through phases of sharing lots of photos and sharing nothing. I can't decide which is best. I don't want to cut his family off especially as I have 100% custody of S, and I had hoped that H would see the photos and think about what he was missing. On the other hand, sometimes I think it might have more impact on H to not have such easy access to photos and for him to wonder what we are up to.

Thoughts? So far I've been the bigger person and kept sharing photos for his family's sake, but I've been rethinking that lately. Its almost as if H is getting away with breaking up our family bonds without consequence. He isnt getting a proper taste of the life shattering effects of his choice and what it will be like once we divorce. I'm conflicted about this.

[Jac12]

I think this is less about your H and more about you and your S. Share photos if you want to share, don't if you don't. You want your child to have supportive people in his life. You can't worry about how your H will react or if he'll worry about what he's missing.

[DejaVu6]

My XMIL and I own my house together and she lives in a suite in the lower level. We even took a trip together with my kids over Spring Break. She is a great support and it devastated her when my XH’s behaviour came to light. She did not want this for him or for her grandkids but, like me, she had no choice. Regardless of what my XH does, she will always be my kids’ grandma. And they deserve to be fully involved with all their family members so she will always have access to them. Cutting his family out of the “picture” punishes them not him. He’s already left. He’s doing what he wants. I’d continue to share the photos if I were you and not worry about how it is affecting him. Choose better not bitter. In the end, when your emotions have settled and you are more detached from him, you will be glad you did. (((HUGS)))

[Jim1234]

As long as you're doing or not doing it because you want to, and not for any reason regarding H, you're doing the right thing.

Think about it this way..... If H just fell off the planet and disappeared instead of leaving you, would you still send pictures and interact with your in-laws? Let the answer to that question be your guide.

[scout12]

Thanks for the advice, all. I am continuing to share photos with his family for now.

Nothing much to update from last week. It would be hard for me to feel MORE detached at this point and I do believe I'm happier now than I was with him. I'm still DB-ing, but it's more of a thought experiment at this point than a reconciliation technique.

H is supposed to pick S up from daycare at 3:30pm Tuesdays and spend time with him until I get home at 5:30pm. I got off the train last Tuesday at 5:15pm and was walking past daycare to my car when I saw H's car turning out of the carpark. He had only just picked him up. I don't know why I'm surprised each time he demonstrates that S isn't his priority, because it keeps happening, but I am. It's sad for S, but doesn't have any impact on me. Just thought it was curious. Later at home, he asked when we could discuss splitting our bills so he could start renting his own place. I said I needed some time to sort out my budget and we could talk the following week. He agreed and asked if I needed anything before he left. I said no thank you and he left without saying goodbye.

When H came over for his Thursday morning visit with S, I was dozing on the lounge instead of getting ready for work. I had the day off, but didn't mention it. He seemed concerned, asking if I was unwell and if I needed anything from the chemist, and would I like him to take S out of the house so I could rest? I received the offer graciously but turned it down, saying I would just catch up on sleep for an hour and then get up to run some errands. He went about his morning with S while I dozed, gently reminding S that "mama is sleeping" and redirecting him when he got noisy. Eventually I got up and was enjoying a cup of tea on the deck outside while H got S ready for daycare. They came to say goodbye and H hesitated when I asked S for a hug, saying "He'll just get upset if I give him to you." That annoyed me a little but I didn't say anything, just hugged S and wished him a great day. H took him back and left without a word. Five minutes later he came back inside. I called out "what did you forget?" and he held up his jacket as he walked past. Again, leaving without a word, so I called out "bye" and only then did he respond in kind.

I don't understand the rudeness, but nor do I don't let it affect me.

[scout12]

On a more mystical note... My friend recommended her psychic to me and I thought, what the hell, I have an open mind and at the very least I love talking about myself and my life. So I met her last week.

Whether the psychic stuff is true or not, she was very insightful and easy to talk to. She said I was strong and singular like a tall pine tree and I have great resilience in my aura. That she currently sees me riding a bike in the wrong gear, ie. expending energy without corresponding results. But there will be justice in my future. I'll also focus my energy on learning or studying in future, and she sees artwork or creativity in my life.

She told me that the breakup happened because H and I had different agendas and that there was a lot of deception in the relationship on his part, meaning I was under the assumption that we had the same motivations - family, security, stability, love, commitment - for the choices we made together, but she felt he was motivated by the trappings of success and status because his soul is not content with itself. The way she put it was he “hired” me because he admired my strength and values and wanted me to “save” him, but when I failed to make him happy, he “fired" me and moved onto the next source of happiness. This resonated strongly with me.

Might seem a bit out there, but we had a great 2 1/2 hour chat! She also pulled two runes from a bag at the end - Renewal and Fire/Knowledge. Both seemed apropos.

[scout12]

Last week we agreed to sit down sometime this week to discuss the proposed separation agreement. Then I realised there was no reason to wait and have the conversation in person, so I sent H an email on Tuesday outlining what steps I'd be taking to sort my personal finances and asking if he was happy to work on the property settlement in the background of sorting out our immediate financial issues. He said he was all for working things out ASAP and wanted the settlement done quickly so he had access to the funds. I didn't reply, knowing that I would be seeing him at my home later that afternoon while he spent time with S.

We then had the following message exchange:

H: How was camping? I have to [do something for work] on Thursday. Is it OK if I see S on Friday morning instead? Also when suits you to go through finances?

M: It was awesome, we loved it! Friday is fine. I actually just sent you an email about finances.

H: Just a heads up, I won't get to pickup S until 5pm today [he is supposed to see him 3:30-5:30pm], work is busy and there's an accident on the highway.

M: Ugh, traffic [censored]!

H: Times like this a motorbike is worth its weight in gold

M: Definitely

[The bike comment has backstory - one of the reasons he cited for leaving me was because I asked him to sell his motorbike when S was born because a) it was impractical and b) it was unsafe. He agreed on the condition he could buy a dirt bike instead (I agreed and he did). He now claims that I prevented him from fulfilling his dreams of motorsports and I forced him to give up the thing that made him happiest.]

Once I got home, H asked if I got his email and started trying to talk about finances. I said that I was happy to do so but now wasn't a good time with S running around and me trying to get dinner ready. He didn't really respect that and kept asking questions. It was almost as if he wanted me to tell him what to do and how to go about doing it. I just said, it doesn't bother me what you do or how you do it - I just need confirmation of the outcome.

H wasn't happy about child support being backdated to when he moved out, or the fact I said I wouldn't be contributing to his car loan anymore, so he had a tantrum and said he wouldn't be paying the mortgage anymore. This despite his previous agreement to pay until he found a place to rent, and his legal responsibility to do so. I just said fine, do what you want. I said the property settlement would take time and require legal processes. He said he needed the money because now he has child support, rent, bond, new furniture and other expenses to think about. As if he's the victim in this situation! I said he already has access to half our savings, not an insignificant amount either, to set himself up. I believed I missed an opportunity to validate there, but I was feeling very reactionary and defensive. Ugh.

I will be absolutely fine though. I'm still feeling really positive. I'm picking out furniture and decor now that I have access to my savings fund and can't wait to get going with all that.

[Jim1234]

Scout, a couple of things leapt out at me in your last post.

The first was that you forced him to give up the thing that made him happiest. I don't know the full story, but it sounds like revisionist history. Don't buy into it.

Don't worry about missing an opportunity to validate. It sounds like you handled yourself pretty well though out and you will have plenty of opportunities to validate. In the big picture, missing one opportunity doesn't really matter. Try not to make it a habit, and you'll be fine. What helped me when W would start complaining about things was a gentle reminder that I'm not the one who wanted this divorce.

Lastly, be very cautious about spending money now on things you don't absolutely need, because you may very well find you will need that money in the future. You can only spend that dollar once, and is updating the decor really vital? More vital than paying your lawyer?

[scout12]

Scout, a couple of things leapt out at me in your last post.

The first was that you forced him to give up the thing that made him happiest. I don't know the full story, but it sounds like revisionist history. Don't buy into it.

Don't worry about missing an opportunity to validate. It sounds like you handled yourself pretty well though out and you will have plenty of opportunities to validate. In the big picture, missing one opportunity doesn't really matter. Try not to make it a habit, and you'll be fine. What helped me when W would start complaining about things was a gentle reminder that I'm not the one who wanted this divorce.

Lastly, be very cautious about spending money now on things you don't absolutely need, because you may very well find you will need that money in the future. You can only spend that dollar once, and is updating the decor really vital? More vital than paying your lawyer?

I don't put much stock in his claims. His narrative is based in truth but blown way out of proportion.

With regards to decor, I had some new family photos done of S and I, and am getting them printed to hang up around the house. Nothing extravagant I do also have to buy furniture to replace the things that H is taking to his new place.

[scout12]

My ILs wanted to see me and S for lunch earlier this week. We talked about the custody arrangement and child support, which was probably a dumb idea on my part because I need to remember that their loyalty is to their son and not me. They questioned whether it was fair for H to backpay child support when he has still been paying the mortgage for the last three months while living elsewhere. Um, yes, both are his legal obligation.

Then they asked why H can't have S (1.5yo) overnight starting now so that he gets used to it while he's young. I understand it's different in the US, but family law in Australia strongly favours a primary care arrangement vs shared care for children under 4 based on infant mental health research. Eventually yes, we will transition to a share care arrangement, but right now I'm not willing to compromise on that. To be clear, H has 100% access - just no overnights.

I felt like they were questioning my integrity and motivations which really upset me, because I've been nothing but accommodating and fair for S's sake, when H deserves zero consideration from me. He literally abandoned his responsibilities as a father, and I feel like they are whitewashing that fact. Not only did he decline to have any involvement with dinner or bedtimes, he also refused to help with S when I was sick, and refused to help full-stop when S was sick. He also has not been able to stick to the current visitation arrangement, frequently gives up time with S in favour of work, and has never asked for additional time.

Nothing about this situation is fair, but the blame lies solely with the person who chose to destroy this family, not with me. I hate that my positivity train has been derailed but I've learned my lesson about sharing anything with them.