H sent me a message yesterday (his birthday). He said he was sick and didn't want to pass it on, so he wouldn't be coming to see Teddy this morning (6:30am-10am as per parenting plan). He asked if I could take him to daycare or if he needed to arrange childcare.
I replied "That [censored]! Nope, it's no extra effort for me to get S ready and drop him off."
Then once I thought about it a little more... Am I suspicious for thinking he was actually going out or away for the night for his birthday, and that it was just too inconvenient for him to show up as planned? I just find it hard to believe him. He claims that S is his priority, but every action since he moved out has proven otherwise. Regardless, it's his loss, and I'm glad for the extra time I got with S this morning.
Just remember, actions speak louder than words, and believe nothing they say and only half of what you see.
And it [censored] about svcks
I will keep it in mind, cheers Jim.
After noticing some activity in our joint bank account from H, I sent an email to say “hopefully we’re on the same page with our expectations of the legal separation, but I just want to share my understanding of the process”. Basically that I thought we’d review the asset/liability spreadsheet he’d asked me to provide, negotiate, and come to an agreement in writing, before making any financial or legal changes. I added a caveat that it wasn’t my intention to go on the offensive or control the outcome, just to get some clarity. I also added that while the decision to separate was his alone, we should conduct the business of separation together. I don’t know whether this was DB correctly, but I felt it was necessary.
He responded saying he understood and it made perfect sense to have things in black and white. That he couldn’t thank me enough for putting the spreadsheet together. There were some disparities in the estimated figures I’d provided (in his opinion) and he’d adjusted accordingly. He did agree wholesale with the split of belongings I’d suggested. The figures he’d provided are (in my opinion) ridiculously inflated and require me to pay him MUCH more than my lawyer said he’s entitled to in the settlement, so I’ve made another appointment with her to review his proposal.
I was a little terse in my email response - like I said, his control over our finances is a big trigger for me. I should have talked it over with my support person to manage the anxiety before firing back an email. Oh well. I simply said I’d need time to review with the right people, and that I’d prefer to negotiate in person if he could let me know a day that suited. I also said I’d really appreciate him prioritising the removal of my legal/financial responsibility for the brand new car we purchased in January that he’s been exclusively driving since we separated. How did I do?
While the legal separation chugs along slowly over email, things in person and over message continue to mellow out. He responds quite warmly to messages about our son and thanks me for sending photos. Last night I sent him a message at 3am to say I thought I’d heard a prowler around the house and I was a bit frightened. He responded when he got up for work at 4:30am to say it was okay, was probably just the wind, he’d heard noises at his place too. He added a smiley face, which is new. I wrote back when I got up with S1.5 in the morning.
Me: It was so freaky! Door was banging, rocks crunching out the side, deck creaking. Sounded like footsteps. S wanted to say good morning [I sent a video of S]
H: Yeah woke up so many times last night. Awwwww thanks for that, he's a cutey
An hour passed and he sent another message - the first time he’s initiated friendly conversation over message since he moved out.
H: Where'd you end up deciding to go camping? [I’m taking S away with some friends next weekend]
I replied and he said “Nice! Never heard of it hahaha”
It’s SO nice to have communication that isn’t stressful or sad! This is a huge improvement even on a month ago when he would ignore or send hasty/terse messages no matter the tone of the conversation. I’ve made a big effort to be non-threatening and pleasant in my own messages, regardless of his tone or the topic. As I get more detached and let go of expectations, it becomes easier. I don’t know if this is good DB-ing, but I also make a point to thank him when he goes out his way to do housework when he comes to visit S. Smiley faces and laughing on his part is new and nice.
Sounds like you're on the right track, and doing well. It sounds like your interactions are good for the most part. My only suggestion is that you not respond right away to his texts or emails. That way, 1) you are never responding in anger, and 2) it shows that you have a life and aren't hanging out by the phone waiting for him to deign to contact you. Oh, and don't hang out by the phone waiting for him to contact you.
You will have to find someone else to text in the future, though, about strange noises around your house, so you might as well figure that out now.
Also, yes, he's being more pleasant. It makes the whole process easier if you aren't at each other's throats. Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that means things are on the mend. It probably doesn't, though I hate to bring that up. That MIGHT come, but much, much later.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Sounds like you're on the right track, and doing well. It sounds like your interactions are good for the most part. My only suggestion is that you not respond right away to his texts or emails. That way, 1) you are never responding in anger, and 2) it shows that you have a life and aren't hanging out by the phone waiting for him to deign to contact you. Oh, and don't hang out by the phone waiting for him to contact you.
You will have to find someone else to text in the future, though, about strange noises around your house, so you might as well figure that out now.
Also, yes, he's being more pleasant. It makes the whole process easier if you aren't at each other's throats. Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that means things are on the mend. It probably doesn't, though I hate to bring that up. That MIGHT come, but much, much later.
You are so right, Jim, and that's a lesson I'm still learning. Reply in haste, repent at leisure.
I'm under no illusion that he has any doubts about his decision to separate, which is fine for now.
It was H's day with S yesterday (he takes him 8-5 every second Sunday). He messaged me at 7:30am to say the hot water was out at his friend's place, he'd be 15 minutes late, and was there any chance he could shower at mine before they left for the day. I had plans to leave at 8am, but I just said that's OK, thanks for checking with me.
He arrived 20 mins late and said he was going to jump in the shower, was I OK to watch S? I just stared... Eventually I said "I'm not your babysitter, this is your time with him. I have to figure out how to shower with him on my time, so you can too". He mumbled that he thought that was the point of the message he sent.
I just walked away and left the house. I'm fed up with him blaming me when he is actually a victim of his own assumptions. If he had explicitly asked me to stick around and watch him, that would have been different (I still would have said no, though, as I am too busy GAL). It's infuriating. His communication skills are so poor, I have no idea how he manages people effectively at his job. He is so deficient in all the important ways.
I ended up having a great day. I went on a very low-key casual date, which I enjoyed, but left feeling a little sad. I don't think I'm ready to consider moving on with someone else yet. I guess that's obvious or I wouldn't be on this forum. I also painted a chalkboard wall in my house for S and made plans to build a sandpit and veggie garden in the backyard.
When H brought S home, he came inside and said the wall looked really good. He thanked me for the framed photos I gave him for his birthday. He had bought S a horrible electric four wheeler and assembled it while I played outside with S. Sidenote: he has sent S home with new clothes, books and toys the last two weekends - guilty conscience? When he finished building the bike, he asked S to say goodbye and S became upset thinking that I was leaving. I was in the middle of reassuring him when H just walked out without a word.
I am trying to be fair when I reassure S but I'm not going to lie to him either. If that makes H feel bad, so be it. He doesn't make any effort to reassure or comfort S himself, so I handle that emotional labour on my own. I just said "Mama's not leaving, this is mama's house and S's house and we are staying here. Dad doesn't live here anymore so he is leaving." I don't know if this was good DB-ing, but it felt authentic at the time.
Scout— the more I read about your H, the more he reminds me of mine. It’s quite amazing actually. The terrible communication, the assumptions, ugh. I’ve even asked myself many times how my H can possibly manage people at work! As for the way you handled things when your son became upset, I don’t know if it’s good DBing, but I do think it was good parenting. I think that young children need very concrete information to reassure them during all of this, and that’s what you gave your son. You stated nothing but true facts, and you gave him comforting information digestible for such a little one. You seem like you are handling all of this really, really well
I think the whole episode went well for you. You can accommodate his reasonable requests without being a doormat. Good for you.
As far as dating, I'm glad you enjoyed it, but if you're not ready, don't. There's no rush. Some people will tell you to "get out there!", but YOU have to be comfortable. I have to tell you though, from my experience that if you haven't moved on from your marriage, things can get very complicated, and hurtful for everyone involved.
I'm sure you are aware of this but it sounds like he's trying to ease his conscience by buying things for your son. It's too bad, because in the long run, it won't work.
Also, I'll second what HopeCA said, about it being good parenting, and handling all of this really well. Keep it up!
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
