Today is Father's Day. H came over this morning to pick up S1.5 and take him to spend the day with his family. I was dressed prettily with makeup on and ready to leave once he arrived. He came in and started tidying son's toys, then went into my room to rummage through the bathroom cupboards for aspirin. I have asked him in the past to stay out of my room but more often than not he will go in and make my bed, tidy up etc after I leave the house. I had put the daycare crafts and present from son on the table and he said thank you for the gifts. I replied they're from son. Then I tried to leave and S1.5 started screaming and clinging to me. This upset me and in my efforts to reassure son I fear I let my emotions get the better of me. I told son that mum and dad aren't spending time together anymore but we still love him. I said I wished I could come with him but I couldn't. I said I was sorry this was happening but it would get easier. Then I gave him a kiss and left. I regret being passive aggressive but seeing my baby upset triggered me. This would have been a lovely day spent with ILs in the past and now it's a source of pain for everyone involved. I'm angry that H is putting us all through this as a result of his selfishness.
I was dressed prettily with makeup on and ready to leave once he arrived.
Good for you.
Originally Posted by scout12
He came in and started tidying son's toys, then went into my room to rummage through the bathroom cupboards for aspirin. I have asked him in the past to stay out of my room but more often than not he will go in and make my bed, tidy up etc after I leave the house.
Can I suggest that when he starts this behavior, you tell him straight up to get out of your room?
Originally Posted by scout12
Then I tried to leave and S1.5 started screaming and clinging to me. This upset me and in my efforts to reassure son I fear I let my emotions get the better of me. I told son that mum and dad aren't spending time together anymore but we still love him. I said I wished I could come with him but I couldn't. I said I was sorry this was happening but it would get easier. Then I gave him a kiss and left.
Kudos. I don't see how you could have handled it any better. Your S's world is rocked, too, and he's trying to exert some control over the situation, and it seems like you handled it with love and respect for your son. I suspect that after 5 minutes with H, your S was just fine, and back to being himself. [/quote]
Originally Posted by scout12
now it's a source of pain for everyone involved. I'm angry that H is putting us all through this as a result of his selfishness.
Yes it is. And it stinks. And you will get through it and be a better stronger version of you.
Just a thought... I don't know if you are participating on anyone else's threads, but the more you participate, the more help you will get.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
BTW, you might want to read some of Steve85's threads. He's going thru a rough patch right now, but he really has a good handle on DBing, and reading through his situation can provide you with some valuable insights that you could apply to your own.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I knew the first separated special occasion would be hard. Throughout the day his sister was sending photos of the kids to our family group chat. I know she was doing it to be kind because I wasn't there. It brought me to tears to be missing out on all the family fun, even though I made plans to amuse myself for the day. My friend came over and we watched The Office and made brownies. I was washing my car and sweeping the garage when H came back with S, and he immediately started helping by taking the bins out and tidying up. When we all went inside he asked me if I wanted a hug. I was caught off guard and said "why" and he just shrugged so I said "no thanks". I wonder if father's day got to him emotionally, or his guilty conscience is kicking in, but his attitude towards me has started to turn from cold and aloof to something warmer.
I think I conducted myself with dignity and generosity today despite all these strong emotions whirling around my head. I am learning to keep a handle on my anxiety and not to be so reactive. His actions don't determine my mood.
It's H's birthday this week. I organised a gift a while ago and still plan to give it to him from S and I. I had some professional photos of him riding his motorbike framed and will just leave them on the dining table for him to take home. That way there's no awkwardness or expectations around his reaction. I plan to write on the tag "For your new place" so he doesn't think I'm being emotionally manipulative. There are no strings attached to this gift. It's not romantic given it's from Son and I. I just feel it's the kind thing to do.
H sent me an email yesterday asking for a list of assets/expenses/belongings so we can take steps toward splitting everything up. He also included a list of recent purchases I made from our joint account (a bill, restaurant meals, a book) saying they weren't appropriate expenses for the joint account. This triggered my anxiety as he has a history of being financially controlling and REALLY doubled down on this while I was on maternity leave, leaving me with very little of my own money to spend on self-care which greatly contributed to my PPA/D.
Additionally, the agreement during separation was to stop tracking each other's purchases, stop moving funds to individual accounts, and have every income/expense go through the joint account. So I felt this was disingenuous and hypocritical given that he has also spent money on similar items through this account in the last three months, most recently a hotel room.
I worked through my anxious reaction by talking with my support person before responding. I ignored the accusation entirely. Replied saying "Here's the list!" and "I would love for you to just remove your income/expenses from the accounts so I can carry on without any hiccups or changing anything. Thanks!" I feel like I handled things quite well. I am really looking forward to having financial freedom from this man. It will be a relief to not have him lurking in my individual spending account anymore, especially as I do not have access to his individual spending account. That's an inequity that always bothered me.
I don't understand about the joint account. You "have every income/expense go through the joint account"? But then there are "recent purchases I made from our joint account (a bill, restaurant meals, a book) saying they weren't appropriate expenses for the joint account"?
I suggest you separate finances ASAP for two reasons.... it simplifies your life because you are no longer tied to him, and it helps H realize you're going to be fine. Also, if you haven't seen a lawyer regarding alimony and child support, you need to. Separate accounts will help with that as well.
Good for you! It sounds like you really handled your interaction well, giving him the information he wanted in an upbeat, happy manner.
Just one thought regarding the gifts.... If it is truly no strings, fine, but if you are secretly tying strings to it, it's a bad idea.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Thanks for the reply, and your previous one as well, Jim! I am definitely reading through multiple threads and do intend to participate once I feel I have something to contribute.
With regards to the joint account, it was the 'expenses' account pre-separation - groceries, fuel, bills, as well as both incomes. We each have individual accounts which were our 'spending' accounts pre-separation, into which regular deposits were made from the joint account. It's H's belief that my individual purchases should still be coming from my 'spending' account, which is not what the arrangement was post-separation - all previous financial setups were suspended. A small thing, but frustrating. I'm glad I didn't take the bait.
I'm very much looking forward to the logistical elements of the separation to be settled.
Feeling a little sad today. I've felt safe confiding in my MIL during this separation and she encouraged it because H refused to confide in her, so she asked me to help her understand the situation. I've poured my heart out to her, cried on her shoulder, she's cried to me and said how disappointed she is in her son. We've been very honest with each other. She sent me a text today saying she hoped I had a good day on Sunday (Father's Day). I fear I was a little too honest about my feelings, saying "It was a hard day unfortunately, I'm quite angry that he is causing everyone pain with his decision." She replied "Sorry you feel that way, hope things get better. Love MIL and FIL xx" After giving it some thought, I texted back "Thanks MIL. I'm sorry, I should have kept that angry thought to myself." I have to realise that H is still her son regardless of his actions and that I need to respect her feelings and boundaries.
With regards to the joint account, it was the 'expenses' account pre-separation - groceries, fuel, bills, as well as both incomes. We each have individual accounts which were our 'spending' accounts pre-separation, into which regular deposits were made from the joint account. It's H's belief that my individual purchases should still be coming from my 'spending' account, which is not what the arrangement was post-separation - all previous financial setups were suspended. A small thing, but frustrating. I'm glad I didn't take the bait.
I have to realise that H is still her son regardless of his actions and that I need to respect her feelings and boundaries.
OK that financial arrangement makes more sense.
As close as you might have been to MIL, that relationship is changing just like your marital relationship, and probably not for the best. My W and mom talked almost every day. They were very close. That all ended with the divorce. It was a surprise to W. But don't tell MIL anything that you wouldn't want getting back to H.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
