Guys, I just feel so done. How do you stand for someone who treats you with disrespect and disregard? He is flaunting multiple hickeys every time he comes to pick up S1.5. It makes me sick. I am more than someone’s sloppy seconds.
I will continue doing the following.
1. Get a life and avoid interaction 2. Never initiate contact unless it’s an emergency 3. Only respond to contact that requires a direct answer 4. Ignore negative contact such as baiting or accusations 5. Be polite and calm whenever we must interact
Scout I have some personal thoughts on this this morning. Not giving advise, just thoughts and maybe relation? In my sich, every time XW would make a change, go out dolled up, make plans, new perfumes, lingerie, "novelty accessories" new shoes, wardrobe, take steps to further sever M, mediation, taking over the house, the possibility of her dating other men (although no evidence, red flags) , doing things out of the norm, ignoring me other than for S2 and money, etc. It would upset me. I'd try not to show it or convey it. But had to ask myself for other than the sake of attachment, why am I allowing this to upset me? What does it mean to me? Why am I being so insecure? When you see hickeys on H's neck what goes through your mind? You are upset by this and I understand why. In your mind you still love your H. In his mind the R is over and he isn't doing any wrong. But still knows he is. (See the justification there based on feelings?) Does it affect your self worth based on his actions? Does it feel like the person and partner you thought you knew actually isn't anymore? But why is another persons choices whether good or bad being tied to our self esteem regardless of what rights and wrongs we made during our M? It feels disrespectful to us because we are in one mindset, and they are in another. It feels disrespectful because we want unity and family. But by moral and biblical code, we know what's right and what's wrong, and a lot of us do it anyway because "it feels good, it feels right, etc."
In the quagmire of all this. Its difficult to live with and change the things we regret and what we know we did wrong to push the other person away, and it gets tied to our self esteem. On the other hand, when we learn from these things and actually change them, and the other person continues to make choices not agreeable with our mindsets, morals, principles, and values, then we know there is strength in not allowing another persons decisions, actions, etc. Phase us. You want to know who is the better woman regardless of past transgressions? The one who is standing for her S1.5, standing for their marriage, and standing for her family. You are not standing for your current H's and his actions. You are standing for your principles for what you know is good and and what is right. This is about you're personal values and character and actions and not theirs. I know these things shake you as it does to all of this. But there is strength being build behold the scenes every time we are exposed to it.
I've noticed right before during and after every breakup I've gone through. The person changed significantly in their behavior before, during, and after. First some form of depression, then some form of change and pushing away that makes them unrecognizable to us, then some type of pursuit torwards another life, or with another person. These are people that once wanted and desired everything we are and had to offer, and now no longer do. So I ask the big question? Who is right for operating on principle, and who is right for operating on feelings? Which one has more longevity, happiness, and integrity attached to it? Just my thoughts.
Scout, I know for a fact they can be ‘nice guys’ or probably better, nice girls. In my work I have assisted dozens if not hundreds of women during very difficult times. A heck of a lot displayed what I now know as nice guy syndrome tendencies. It is rarely in my experience demonstrated by the men I’ve assisted, but I’ve assisted far more women.
I’m troubled by what you said about your urges. Can you talk to your family or really good friends tonight about that and talk through it? Are you ok right now?
Glad you made it to a concert! I’m going to see my favourite 90s bands in concert next year!
Ihlacs- again beautifully said mate. You sure you weren’t Confucius or Buddha in a past life? I love reading your insights
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
IHCLACS, I’m kinda speechless. What you explained was like a bolt of lightning. That concept goes a long way to helping me understand my inner turmoil. Logically, I shouldn’t want to be with someone like my H, but I feel unable to let go. Why? I’ve been beating myself up over it for weeks, thinking I’m weak and allowing my heart to overrule my head. Now I realise it’s not because I’m being a doormat, but because I am acting on principle. Something I’ve done consistently this entire time. That actually shows tremendous strength. It’s not to say I haven’t reacted emotionally at times, because I have, but that isn’t necessarily weakness either. It’s authentic. I’m teaching my son to validate and process his emotions. I cried driving home from my Halloween party tonight, so I tried to reassure him through the tears.
M: Mama is sad. It’s okay to feel sad. We all feel sad sometimes. That’s when we ask for help or a cuddle. S: Mama sad. M: Yes, but it’s okay. Do you want to hold my hand? S: Hand please. M: Love you, S. S: Love you, mama.
DS, I called my parents and they came to spend some time with me and hear me out. I’m relaxing now with a cuppa watching The Office. Thanks for caring. Ps. I saw The Chemical Brothers, love 90s music! Enjoy.
Last edited by job; 11/02/1905:34 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
