I'd love some advice. Whenever I get the urge to contact H, I type notes in my phone. I'm wondering if this one should be sent at some point.
"Hey, I've been thinking. It's your choice to be with someone else. You aren't accountable to anyone except yourself. I have no desire to challenge your decision. I respect your opinion and understand it's not easy for you. I'm sorry if my emotional reactions have seemed mean or controlling. I'll never do anything to hurt you on purpose.
I do have the choice to cut contact with you about anything other than logistics. We can coparent but I can't be friends with you as long as you're with someone else. Sorry. I love you, I'm in love with you, and I want to be your wife. For me, it is all or nothing. I know now I can be happy with or without you. If you change your mind, let me know. I hope you find your happiness, with or without me."
I have learned the hard way. Long protestations and laying everything on the table like this does not work. It pushes them further away 100%.
For me, I found this forum too late. I should have used the advice I've been given months ago - maybe things would be different. I can't tell for certain but I know I broke at least 75% of Sandi's rules in the first month after my Ws' BD.
It's good to write down how you feel and get it out of your system. But once that's done, ERASE THE NOTE so you're not tempted to send it.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Guys, I just feel so done. How do you stand for someone who treats you with disrespect and disregard? He is flaunting multiple hickeys every time he comes to pick up S1.5. It makes me sick. I am more than someone’s sloppy seconds.
I will continue doing the following.
1. Get a life and avoid interaction 2. Never initiate contact unless it’s an emergency 3. Only respond to contact that requires a direct answer 4. Ignore negative contact such as baiting or accusations 5. Be polite and calm whenever we must interact
Sorry you're down in the dumps today. I know the felling of being done. You know what I did? I read and reread and kept reading all those useful sticky links, especially Sandi's Rules, R2C's quotes etc. I also read the success stories, and restored my sense of encouragement. Keep DB'ing, GAL, time and patience. You are the lady Lighthouse!
Your points 1 - 5 sound good, but maybe 4 needs some boundary setting? Read and reread the boundaries sticky.
Remember - 'Calm'.
BTW - you're not 'sloppy seconds'. The OW is. You are the first, so how can you ever be second. Not sure where you're from, but here in Oz sloppy seconds has quite a rude connotation which I wont repeat here!!
Strength through the struggle Scout.
Cheers, DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Thanks for the encouragement. Finally getting confirmation of the OW has definitely knocked me for a six. In some ways it's nice to not be on tenterhooks anymore. It happened, I can dust myself off. I do have an issue with the way it was revealed, but it is keeping in with the callous nature of everything else he has done post-BD.
I realised I've been struggling with the false equivalence that 'being nice to H' = 'accepting/condoning what he has done'. I need to let go of the concept that he's getting away with war crimes and I'm helping him brush it under the rug. I'm nice because it's an integral part of my character, not in response to anything he has or hasn't done. This will help me be consistent in future interactions.
You bloody ripper! I'm so glad to have another Aussie here!
Originally Posted by scout12
Thanks for the encouragement.
Pleasure. I'll try to be more avaialble to help, as we'll be on the same time zone. Everyone else is asleep while we're up and about.
Originally Posted by scout12
I'm nice because it's an integral part of my character,
I think I share this trait. I struggle to reconcile it with divesting some of my NGS characteristics. I enjoy being nice to people, and I especially enjoy it with close family. I struggle with change sometimes, especially changing for my benefit. I'm good at advising others, but hopeless at taking my own advice, for my own good. Being sensitive too doesnt help. I'm still naive to people who take advantage of that, but learning.
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
I'm having such a hard time tonight. Took S1.5 to my work Halloween party and it was full of families and kids. I had a good time, but it made me realise how much I've lost or rather how much has been taken from me and my son. Honestly I've been fighting some intrusive thoughts and the urge to do anything to take the pain away.
Let me focus on something positive. Last night I left my son for the first time with my parents and went to a concert with an old friend. It was awesome. Earlier in the week, one of my employees I've been coaching through some behavioural problems said that I had inspired him to turn his life around. My friends have been there for me in an instant whenever I reach out in dire straits. And my son continues to amaze and delight me every day with his personality, his sense of humour, his empathy and compassion. I'm very lucky.
