Me 31, LBS H 29, WAS Son 1.5 Together 9 years Married 3 years Left June 2019
Background: I had PPD/A from the birth of our son in Feb 2018 until May 2019. I'm free from clinical depression/anxiety now, but still have to work on anxious patterns of behaviour.
One night H said he was going out after work because he had a lot on his mind. When he got home at midnight, I asked what was wrong and he didn't want to talk, he was tired and wanted space. Incredibly anxious by this point, I pushed him hard enough that he broke down and said he didn't love me anymore, had settled for me, staying with me was the safe option, and there was no future with me. He said he hadn't been happy for years, we had nothing in common beside our son, he had too much disdain for me and couldn't stand me. He said I was controlling, angry, impossible to please, too anxious and he just wanted to go with the flow, be happy, and have his freedom.
A few days later he moved out to stay with a friend and said we would be on a break for a month while figured things out. He opted to see DS1.5 twice a week and on weekends if neither of us had other plans. This didn't exactly lead me to believe that our son was a priority for him. He also said he wanted the opportunity to sleep with other people if it came up. This angered me greatly that he would leave all the parenting responsibility on me while he went out sleeping around with whoever. I've single parented DS1.5 full time while coping with full-time work and running the household since then.
He seemed unable to articulate exactly WHY this was happening (I eventually put the pieces together, will detail below) and why he was not open to counselling or discussion. There was no evident desire on his part to work on the marriage. Any relationship question was met with "I don't know". I asked him why the break, why hadn't he just ended it given the things he'd said. He replied that he didn't want to be a quitter, had a fear of failing, couldn't commit to the decision to divorce, didn't want to let down the people who had supported us.
I asked for another two months to give us some more time to figure things out, and he agreed. He made it to six weeks post-bomb drop before he decided he was sick of living in limbo and had no reason to remain married. He told me he wouldn't do something because society expects it or because people tell him it's the right thing to do. The only thing he values is his own happiness. He wants to ride motorbikes and go karts and be a leader at work and nothing else matters.
Over the past three months, I've embraced counselling, books, courses etc to figure out exactly what I had done wrong to make him want to leave. I apologised, wrote a couple of letters, gave him small gifts, left him alone, asked if he wanted to talk, poured my heart out - most of which was ignored. I realise now this was unproductive and trying to control the outcome of the situation. I've owned my faults and continue to do so. I WAS controlling, angry, impossible to please, and too anxious. But I've made great strides towards healing these flaws. I read The Empowered Wife and The Divorce Remedy which put me on my current path.
If I'm being honest the marriage had been rocky since our son was born. But I assumed that was normal stress of having a baby, sleep deprivation, lack of sex, and me having PPD/A. My mental health was down the drain for a long time. I frequently thought about driving my car off the road or shaking the baby. He said he didn't care about the context or the circumstances and that it wasn't just the baby - I hadn't been the wife I was supposed to be and have never tried hard enough to be good enough for him.
I have never felt so hurt and sad and worthless as I have the past three months. I understand his feelings on an intellectual level. I don't understand why he has been so destructive in the way he's gone about it. His way of dealing with his feelings was to withdraw and stew over them until it was too late. Which is not a mature way to handle anything, especially not the end of a marriage. And then lash out knowing it would destroy my self worth and self esteem on the way out the door. At least that's what it felt like.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. A lot of what you are describing is very similar to what has happened with my H, and I completely relate to what you are feeling. I’m no pro at this, but there are a lot of very supportive and helpful people here. I hope I can be one of them for you!
Scout, you are not alone. You will get tons of support and advice from people on this site. The more active you are, the more support you will receive. This is a loooooong process, so settle in. Don't give up hope though.
The bad news is your marriage is really in trouble. The good news is that if you really listen to people on this site, it MIGHT be saved, but more importantly, YOU will be better off.
Good for you for self reflecting. Without understanding our own flaws, there is no hope of reconciliation.
I'll give you two pieces of advice. The first is stop contacting him, giving him small gifts, apologizing, etc. They make you look weak. You can't "nice guy" yourself back into a happy marriage. He needs space, and you have to give it to him. Others have said it better than I ever could, but in essence, you need to act like his leaving doesn't really matter to you.
The other piece of advice is you need to take care of you. GAL like crazy. Find new hobbies. Reconnect with old friends. Start going to the gym more. Get a makeover. Travel with and without S1.5. These things are important, because whether he comes back or not, they will make YOU a better person, and a better parent. TELL him it's important that he has a close relationship with S1.5, and he needs to take him half the time, so you can go ride motorbikes and go karts and sleep with other people or whatever, too. (He's living in a fantasy world thinking he'll have no responsibilities, but you need to make him realize he is responsible for your son, too.)
Ok, one more. See a lawyer, and make sure you are getting all the spousal support and child support you are entitled to. There is no reason you should suffer more financially than you already are just because he's a dick.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
The current situation: H came over last week to spend time with DS1.5 and talk about our separation. My stepdad mediated the chat and despite my resolve to be calm, I couldn't stop the hurt feelings spewing out of my mouth. It was literal word vomit while I bawled my eyes out. He stonewalled and got defensive and accusatory, saying "are we here to talk or are you just gonna attack me?" He totally deserved the dressing down he got in front of my stepdad, who he respects and admires, and I hope he felt ashamed of how he has acted.
But eventually we both mellowed out and relaxed enough to make jokes with each other. I asked him if he cared about my happiness and he said yes. I asked him what he wanted from life and he said he didn't know. I asked him if he wished it had worked out and he said yes. But despite all that, he is done. So I simply said, okay. I gave him a kiss goodbye and joked "have a nice life" and he said "wow!" and we laughed. As freaking hard as that conversation was, I feel like it unblocked us somehow. I'm focusing on self-care for my own sake and DS1.5's happiness. I've accepted that this is our reality now and all I can do is live in the moment and be my best self.
Since then, when he comes to see DS1.5, I've been able to be genuinely friendly for the first time without artifice or awkwardness. 'Take the wind from his sails' is my mantra. I won't give him more ammunition against me. All my negotiating, convincing, pleading, rationalising, and anger becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in his mind and only reinforces his conviction to end the marriage. Being a calm zen goddess gives me the chance to practice my self-improvement skills and be a better co-parent. If it addresses the complaints he had with the marriage and makes him realise what he's losing, and gives him a healthy reality check, that's a bonus.
I feel in control of my own life again, but I'm sure there will be many hiccups, bumps and potholes on this journey. At this stage, my desire is to reconcile and his desire is to separate. Do I believe both of these viewpoints are set in stone? No. I'm looking forward to learning from the wise folks of this forum on how to navigate the next steps. We cannot divorce until a year post-separation. He confided in his parents that things might be different in a year, so who knows where this might end up. I am implementing all the DB and EW skills in the meantime.
The current situation: H came over last week to spend time with DS1.5 and talk about our separation. My stepdad mediated the chat and despite my resolve to be calm, I couldn't stop the hurt feelings spewing out of my mouth. It was literal word vomit while I bawled my eyes out. He stonewalled and got defensive and accusatory, saying "are we here to talk or are you just gonna attack me?" He totally deserved the dressing down he got in front of my stepdad, who he respects and admires, and I hope he felt ashamed of how he has acted.
But eventually we both mellowed out and relaxed enough to make jokes with each other. I asked him if he cared about my happiness and he said yes. I asked him what he wanted from life and he said he didn't know. I asked him if he wished it had worked out and he said yes. But despite all that, he is done. So I simply said, okay. I gave him a kiss goodbye and joked "have a nice life" and he said "wow!" and we laughed. As freaking hard as that conversation was, I feel like it unblocked us somehow. I'm focusing on self-care for my own sake and DS1.5's happiness. I've accepted that this is our reality now and all I can do is live in the moment and be my best self.
Since then, when he comes to see DS1.5, I've been able to be genuinely friendly for the first time without artifice or awkwardness. 'Take the wind from his sails' is my mantra. I won't give him more ammunition against me. All my negotiating, convincing, pleading, rationalising, and anger becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in his mind and only reinforces his conviction to end the marriage. Being a calm zen goddess gives me the chance to practice my self-improvement skills and be a better co-parent. If it addresses the complaints he had with the marriage and makes him realise what he's losing, and gives him a healthy reality check, that's a bonus.
I feel in control of my own life again, but I'm sure there will be many hiccups, bumps and potholes on this journey. At this stage, my desire is to reconcile and his desire is to separate. Do I believe both of these viewpoints are set in stone? No. I'm looking forward to learning from the wise folks of this forum on how to navigate the next steps. We cannot divorce until a year post-separation, which is July 2020. He confided in his parents that things might be different in a year, so who knows where this might end up. I am implementing all the DB and EW skills in the meantime.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. A lot of what you are describing is very similar to what has happened with my H, and I completely relate to what you are feeling. I’m no pro at this, but there are a lot of very supportive and helpful people here. I hope I can be one of them for you!
Thank you, I have read through your thread and wish I could give you a big hug! Don't give up.
Scout, you are not alone. You will get tons of support and advice from people on this site. The more active you are, the more support you will receive. This is a loooooong process, so settle in. Don't give up hope though.
The bad news is your marriage is really in trouble. The good news is that if you really listen to people on this site, it MIGHT be saved, but more importantly, YOU will be better off.
Good for you for self reflecting. Without understanding our own flaws, there is no hope of reconciliation.
I'll give you two pieces of advice. The first is stop contacting him, giving him small gifts, apologizing, etc. They make you look weak. You can't "nice guy" yourself back into a happy marriage. He needs space, and you have to give it to him. Others have said it better than I ever could, but in essence, you need to act like his leaving doesn't really matter to you.
The other piece of advice is you need to take care of you. GAL like crazy. Find new hobbies. Reconnect with old friends. Start going to the gym more. Get a makeover. Travel with and without S1.5. These things are important, because whether he comes back or not, they will make YOU a better person, and a better parent. TELL him it's important that he has a close relationship with S1.5, and he needs to take him half the time, so you can go ride motorbikes and go karts and sleep with other people or whatever, too. (He's living in a fantasy world thinking he'll have no responsibilities, but you need to make him realize he is responsible for your son, too.)
Ok, one more. See a lawyer, and make sure you are getting all the spousal support and child support you are entitled to. There is no reason you should suffer more financially than you already are just because he's a dick.
Thanks Jim, great advice. It's taken three months of limbo, but I think I've reached a place of acceptance and detachment. I know everyone says that, though! I've said everything that needs to be said to H, he knows how I feel; so now I'm focusing on ME. I genuinely wish him the best with his next steps and accept that he needs to focus on his own happiness for now. In time he might see what he's missing, but if not, DS and I will be too busy being happy to miss him.
(Not to say I don't miss him - I do, of course. But the only acceptable way for him to come back requires him to make his own seismic changes to his life, his values, his attitude etc, and I don't really believe at this stage he's capable of that. I do have hope that this situation makes him do his own 180, but that's part of his journey and his timeline, and I have no control over that.
Day to day, I am actually really happy and content with my life. I've lost a lot of weight (the divorce diet is no joke!) and I put makeup on and dress nicely every day. Especially on the days H comes around to see DS. I'm planning a lot of house redecoration and backyard projects, taking DS on a camping trip with new friends, reconnecting with old friends, going for after-work drinks, and generally saying YES to life. Which is a big 180 from the sad, isolated hermit I let myself become!
Yes, I've consulted with a lawyer so I have legal advice in my back pocket. I have a fantastic job with a great income, so I'm confident I can support myself and DS, buy H out of the house, set up our future, and still have enough to enjoy the little things in life. Flowers, brunches, outings, etc
Scout, it seems like you've got the right idea. Generally, you want to be the woman only a fool would leave. Just be sure you are doing the things you are doing for YOU and not for him. He'll see thru that in a second.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Today is Father's Day. H came over this morning to pick up S1.5 and take him to spend the day with his family. I was dressed prettily with makeup on and ready to leave once he arrived. He came in and started tidying son's toys, then went into my room to rummage through the bathroom cupboards for aspirin. I have asked him in the past to stay out of my room but more often than not he will go in and make my bed, tidy up etc after I leave the house. I had put the daycare crafts and present from son on the table and he said thank you for the gifts. I replied they're from son. Then I tried to leave and S1.5 started screaming and clinging to me. This upset me and in my efforts to reassure son I fear I let my emotions get the better of me. I told son that mum and dad aren't spending time together anymore but we still love him. I said I wished I could come with him but I couldn't. I said I was sorry this was happening but it would get easier. Then I gave him a kiss and left. I regret being passive aggressive but seeing my baby upset triggered me. This would have been a lovely day spent with ILs in the past and now it's a source of pain for everyone involved. I'm angry that H is putting us all through this as a result of his selfishness.
