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Ginger1 #2862751 08/25/19 07:48 PM
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you've done many things right, G. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Ginger1 #2862761 08/25/19 10:07 PM
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Hey G. First of all, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you mourning the loss of a relationship where you loved someone. It is a sad thing regardless of who he is. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable and let someone into your heart. And I would be worried if after a week you said you were good.

You are always so hard on yourself, sweetie.

So, we have discussed the ways that we are alike. Besides the people pleasing, which played a huge role in this, there is the abandonment issue.

And when something happens that taps into all of that, we reel. We start to feel all those feelings again that we thought we worked through. And we have worked through a lot of it, but, I don't think we ever truly let it all go. It has made an indelible mark on our hearts and brains.

I have come to accept that about me and I am ok with it. It is part of who I am, the things that have happened in my life that changed me forever.

That doesnt mean that I still react in the same deeply visceral way I used to. Far from it. But I do feel badly when I experience a loss or something that reminds me of those feelings and I need to work through it.

I can certainly understand that you want to share your life with someone. I know you are ok on your own....you are more than ok. And you have accomplished some incredible things...especially these last few years, as well as raising that spirited girl of yours pretty much on your own. You would be fine alone but there is nothing at all wrong with wanting to be with someone and share your life and heart and wanting that in return.

But I think you wanted it so badly that you overlooked a lot with M. There is that people pleaser thing and the abandonment thing rearing its ugly head.

It is going to keep happening until you realize your worth. I mean really and truly know it deep in your soul. Because when you do, those people pleasing actions lessen because you know that only people who deserve you and what you offer matter. Those are the people who have weight in your life. Those are the ones who are worthy of you. When you know that, you begin to see things more clearly. You see people more clearly.

And when you know who you are, you know that the people who abandoned you...was because of their issues and not yours. It was within them.

I know it is normal to go round and round in your head trying to sort this out. Trying to see if you saw signs and missed them, whether it was real or not.

The thing about that is that you will not find the answers you seek. Because you are looking for them from a person who is broken. Someone who isnt capable of giving you the answers because he doesnt know them. It is something within him.

So, take some time to mourn. Take some time for you and to find your center. Dig deep in remembering how valuable you are. Remember your blessings in life and when you are ready, let him go.

Ginger1 #2862772 08/26/19 12:44 AM
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Oh UR. Thank you for reminding me I am normal for feeling this loss. Because I do feel it and I’m sad. I do th have that visceral reaction to abandoned as I used to have, but it does sit there in my heart.

My dad left when I was in my senior year in high school to leave me with a mother who literally went off the deep end. My mom died when I was 21, then my husband left me shortly after we had our first child. Then there’s are the guys who keep leaving me. And this isn’t the first guy who told me how great I am but something wasn’t missing. And I can’t help Elon but think it has to be some something in me thats missing.

Until now. With M, I know it’s him. It’s got nothing to do with me me.he is broken, and I can’t fix him. He only knows how to deal with crazy women that are out to hurt him. He hasn’t no idea what to do with a sane one who loves him. I can’t own that at all. But I sure do I miss sh I think thought he was for the first few months, how much I thought he loved me. I’m mourning that.
But I feel like I have taken big strides but this time. The loss of someone you had no idea you were losing is painful.

But this time, the only regret I have is trying to talk myself into it being wonderful. But I knew it wasn’t bad for a little while. I Ann so proud of myself for communicating with him how I was feeling even if it mean that losing him, like I did.

I really hope there is something amazing in store for me and everything Is coming with lessons. I thought this relationship wasn’t something I earned, but it’s not too the final destination yet.

But yes, for now I’m mourning this loss. I feel it. But I do th have the urge to reach out, to talk him into thinking he made the wrong decision. I’m simply ripping the mandate off and dealing with the emotions.

Ginger1 #2862773 08/26/19 12:59 AM
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Lord, trying to type on this phone and autocorrect and my banana thumbs are making me look illiterate .

I was crying as I typed the post above too. I couldn’t see very well.

Ginger1 #2862785 08/26/19 02:09 AM
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{{{{{{{Ginger1}}}}}}}


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Ginger1 #2862822 08/26/19 12:51 PM
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G.....you have been through a lot and I am sorry but I dont think there is something missing within you. What I would suggest though is to change up the dynamic. Is there a certain of guy that you go for, a certain type, a certain emotional type? I read an article a few weeks ago that essentially said that people who come from a home where there was emotional neglect, drama, one parent missing, etc. tend to enter into bad Relationships with people that fit the same emotional patterns of availability that they were chasing as a kid. The author went on to say that people who come from these types of environments are better suited finding partners that they perceive as boring or question their levels of attraction for. Just food for though but I can see some merit in what he had to say.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Ginger1 #2862836 08/26/19 02:45 PM
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I agree with j9. There’s nothing missing with you ginger. And I do think it’s been the guys you go for.

But I do notice you seem to give a lot of guys a chance - and they were all different types - and you have been very flexible and open to different personalities and levels of attractiveness.

The common denominator that I see, (with the exception of fire fighter) is that you compromise your needs too much - and maybe you go into “I’m gonna nurture and take care of my man girlfriend type” a bit too quickly without taking time to see if they deserve that role. I think you try so hard to prove yourself to these guys, instead of letting them prove themselves to you. I think that sends a subconscious message to these guys that they don’t have to work hard and it devalues you a bit. Personally, if I was a guy - I would be smart enough to go for that. But there is a primal thinking pattern in men where they need to win you. And again, I’m not saying to play games. Just wait and see what they can do for you before you give yourself fully.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Ginger1 #2862858 08/26/19 04:58 PM
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Juju, what you wrote was so right on point. Like to the tee. I have dated a whole variety of men. I never had a type. All different situations. But in the end, most of them ended up being pretty needy men. And I absolutely go into the “I’m going to nurture and take care of man” and I do. Way too early. I need them to earn a bit of that. And M did in the beginning. Then he stopped. They don’t have to work hard to get that from me, and then I think they feel the pressure to give it back to me and I attract needy men, so they can’t give what they can get so easily.

And to speak to J. I did try very hard to get my. Others attention and love. I tried and tried with no avail. I remember one Mother’s Day I called into a radio station to have them wish her a happy mother’s day. She was in one of her sleep all day phases and wouldn’t wake up to hear it. I tried and tried with her no avail.

I need to change that up. I’m getting there on baby steps.

I had reposted something to IG that I posted a while ago. It says “ the people who left you did not know how to love you. That doesn’t mean you are unlovable , they just are not equipped to handle the extraordinary” it spoke to me.

Then I forgot that his brother still follows me. And he saw it. Hopefully he keeps that to himself.

I believe that 100% the case with M .

Oh well. Busy with back to school. D is mad at me because she didn’t get her first choice elective and I won’t call the school. I told her we always don’t get what we want and she will have to deal. She wasn’t happy with that answer.
Learning to deal with disappointment is important. Because there will be much bigger things done the pile

Ginger1 #2862861 08/26/19 05:06 PM
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That makes since G and could explain why you give and give because that is the dynamic that was created with your Mother when you were young. Now in your adulthood you feel like you have to give and give, chase and chase for in order for you to receive that love. That could be the dynamic that you have to change,,...….


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Ginger1 #2862882 08/26/19 07:16 PM
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I have to give you huge praise for your honesty Ginger. You also clearly want to do the right things. It just seems like you are way, way, way better at it from the outside looking in or when looking in the rear view. When you are in the R, you struggle to see it - or perhaps struggle to accept what you see? I very much am the same way lest you think I'm casting stones.

When I read that list from JuJu a few days ago, I thought, wow, if she is correct, how in the heck did things get this far - a year in? You've since confirmed what JuJu has seen and stated - and that's what really scares the heck out of me for you. You were seeing a future married to this guy. Had he asked, while that was not likely at least in the near term and I think you sensed that, you talked multiple times about marrying him. That's scary stuff that you were that invested and only now see how terrible that would have been. I think one of your goals is to figure out how to see and accept reality for what it is far sooner.

The D rate for second marriages, depending on who you believe and which study, is about 67% with a range of about 59 to 75% - again depending on who you believe. Let's just then agree that it's pretty much a 2 out of 3 chance getting married a second time will land you right back where you are now - two-thirds or two out of three. Of course everyone wants to think they are going to be that final 1/3 group. But if they are going to have a chance at being that 1/3 who makes it, you really have to be super careful in who you select and then do the work. Of course all you can control is you. The other person is a huge wild card.

You've since said that you were protecting M. All we have to go on is what you wrote and looking back, you clearly were in love with this guy, seeing a future and ready for marriage at some point. As you stand today, it's clear there is no way you'd likely even date M again much less consider marriage.

I think you're goals and the suggestions that have been made are all good ones. It's just so hard to do. For sure you have to start seeing your value and worth. You really should not give it away as freely. Guys have to earn it. The down side is there are not that many quality guys out there who will do the work. But to lower the bar so they can meet the threshold is not the answer - even if it means most of the guys you encounter are not going to hit it. You're bar is not set too high Ginger. The guys are too low.

I also very much agree that unless you force them to meet it, most will not. I mean why would they? If they are satisfied and happy and getting what they want out of the R, what possible motivation is there for them to change? Because it's the right thing to do? If only that were the case. Who knows why M finally pulled the plug - it may be because you were starting to ask for more. But even if that is the case, that's good and he again really did you a favor - and thank God he did!

It has to stink to now admit that what you thought and reported was a great R really was not but again it's so amazing to me that you freely do that. I really can't praise you enough for that as many would try to make excuses or worse yet, be sitting waiting for him to come back and hoping he would or at least stuck in moving forward. But it is very true, the girls that make a guy want to be a better guy are the ones that will get a better guy. I again can see much of myself in this. If allowed to not stand up, I won't. If forced, and if I really like and want the girl, I will. M may have done this in the early beginning, but it did not last long.

I wish I could tell you how to do this - I just don't know. It happens to me as well - or at least has. It's soooooo soooo soooo easy to see everything and everyone for who they are after the fact or when it's someone else and so hard when you are in the thick of it and your heart is firmly involved. Perhaps then part of the answer is not allowing your heart to get involved so quickly and so easily. Again, easier said than done when you want something so bad. Perhaps then the alternate answer is to not want it so bad?

Lot's a rambling and I think I've asked more questions than I've answered but hopefully I've given you at least a few good points.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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